Tom Barton’s: Zombie Fiance – A Supernatural Tale Part III

Guys, I think I might be dying.  No I’m not.  I tried to though, slipped off the side of a mountain this weekend.  Then got a bad nasty cold.  My brother has the flu but I seriously doubt that’s what it is.

Wait, who cares?!

Last chapter of Supernatural playthrough

Which is a little long

AND THEN SECKSIES

Days and days and hours passed, and while we really truely didn’t mind staying here, the summer just felt endless.  The little plot I took over from the previous occupants was blossoming into a full grown secret garden, and for one person, it had started getting a little much for me.  I soon found myself spending all my time taking care of my plants while waiting on my sister to figure out how to turn me into a fairy.

It was about 12:30 at night during the first full moon when the weirdest thing happened…

“Bonehilda?  Why are you out here tonight?”

“They’re coming…”

“Who?”

At the time, Wren was asleep upstairs, or had turned herself into a toad for the night, and across town, Eider was… I don’t know what he’s doing here.  Apparently, he was on his way home from a werewolf hunt, but he might just have a spine injury here.  

Then again, he gets his flexibility from Uncle Facebook, I’m sure.

Strangely enough, since Eider became a werewolf, he’s been more tolerant of Bonehilda than anyone expected.  I don’t know if it’s because of the werewolfism, since I only see him around her in that form, or if he’s grown up and gotten over it, but sometimes they actually hang out and get crunk together.

“I will forewarn you, Bonehilda… sometimes when you sleep, your leg bones look strangely appetizing   I’m serious.  If you don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with my teeth wrapped around your ankle, I recommend you locking your box up good and tight from now on.”

Ok then…

Anyway, back to the night of the full moon.  I was telling all my little tomato buddies about how cool it was going to be to fart fairy dust every four minutes, when lo and behold, a fairy popped out of the earth in front of me!

Well, I thought it was a fairy at first…

“Holy shit, Eddie and Herman!  Is that what I think it is?!”

Eddie: “A zombie?”

Herman: “Lunch?”

“It’s Tinkerbell!”

“You’re wings!  They are so delicate and beautiful!  They smell like decay… but that must mean you must be some sort of fairy of the earth?!  GASP!  You must be here to bless my garden!  Are you going to bestow your good will on my flowers, Mr. Fairy?!”

“OMNOMNOMNOMBLUUUUURGGHHHH”

“That… I don’t think that’s bestowing a blessing…  why would you eat that, I spent so much time on that plant!  You are a terrible being!”

“And yet, your wings… I adore them so much!  How contradicting.”

“Ok, I can accept you eating my plants… but only because you are a fairy.

This bitch better get lost before I break out the power hose.”

“But in all seriousness.  HOW COULD YOU EAT MY LOVELY WOLFBANE PLANT MR. DEAD FAIRY, WHY”

*Wolfbane induced intoxicated confusion*

“Oh yeah, now it’s my time to shine at last!”

“What, playing catch with the clumsy and whiney Eider boy again?”

“Shut up, Herman.”

*A painful and stomach-rupturing blow to the torso*

“Even though he killed my plant, doesn’t mean you can go and splatter him all over the yard Eddie.  Jeez.  Besides, I don’t want to clean up fairy-zombie gore.”

*Ded*

*Drinks honey that has been in Raven’s back pocket since chapter one*

“Oh.  Where am I?  Dammit, have I been taking LSD again?  Please tell me I didn’t strip naked and try running away from giant spiders in the middle of the street again.”

“No but you have been eating my plants.  Speaking of which.  You owe me for my wolfbane.  That and you should go get your stomach pumped or something.  *grumble* Damn drug zombies.”

“Gah, I don’t need the blessing of that dumb fairy idiot.  I can bring my own plant back from the dead.  I’m just that awesome.  Dammit, why can’t I be a fairy already?!”

“All byyyy myyyy seellllfff… don’t want to be… alll byyyy myyyy seeeelllllllffff…..”

“It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care… it’s five ‘o clock somewhere~”

We, and my garden, survived the night, and we went back to the normal: The drunken bone maid and vampire death pouting about being ignored by her.

Convinced THAT my idiot sister sucked at the task I had given her, I went looking for my own method of becoming the being I drempt of being.

“Please Ms.  Fairy, I long to become one of you!  If I best friend you right now, you think you could use your fairy magic to make me one of your people?”

“I really don’t think so.  I mean, I don’t see why I can’t, but I think I’ll pass.”

Apparently, fairies are the only being that can’t turn other people into their same life state, unlike vampires, werewolves, etc.  To my knowledge anyway.  And fairies can just be dicks, I soon realized this real fast.

Speaking of werewolves, Eider was quickly gaining his own posse, and some nights they’d go out and go on the prowl.  You know, for things like butterflies and shiny rocks.  Because werewolf logic.

They also spend a lot of time doing things like this too?  Because, still

Werewolf logic

“I dare say, Sir Eider, it is surely a grand night for a midnight brunch, do you agree?”

“I do, Sir Dwayne, this moon is simply grandeur! If I only had a top hat and monacle, why this outing would surely be the bee’s knees!”

“I have a top hat… but I forgot it when I left the house today…”

“And that’s why you are sitting by yourself at the moment, Pappy.”

Well if it isn’t the zombie bitch from the last full moon…

“Looking for love in all the wrong places~”

What is it with everyone singing lately?

“Eider, you better step back from her.  She’s a zombie and I hear they are kinda dangerous, man :\”

But of course, with Eider’s strange new found courage, the zombie didn’t scare him during their first encounter.

“Braiiiiiiiins….”

“Awww, is ickie wittle zombie hun’gee?! Aw, that’s so cute~”

“RAWWWWWR”

“Aww, rawr!  Ha ha, you are too damn funny, zombie!”

However, about an hour later, his group disbanded for being out after 3 in the morning (werewolf logic) and soon Eider realized he was left on the lot.  By himself.  With the zombie still there.

“Braaaiiiiiiiinsss…..”

“Oh shit!  OH SHIT!  ZOMBIE!  ZOMBIE CAN EAT MY BRAINS NOW!  SOMEONE HELP, BACK ME UP!  OH GOD NO AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“GAAAAAHHHRR… screechy sound hurt zombie head!  Stop!”

“GAAHAWEOAGHALKFDHAISHITMYPANTSHELPJFIOAWHGDLADFAAAHHHHHH”

Apparently the screaming and crying is what saved Eider’s life that night, and everyone on the block got up the next day with unexplained migraines and sensitivity to sound…

“A-HA!  I finally maxed alchemy and discovered the recipe for a fairy potion!  Jeez, can it be any more complicated… ok, to the quicky mart alchemy store!”

“Greetings!  I have come hoping that you were in stock of a few items I need for a potion.  Of course the last time I checked you don’t sell fish, and I was either going to have to learn how to use a fishing rod or spend a lot of time converting things until I got the right item… but you wouldn’t happen to have red toadstools, sunstone, and a fairy damsel, would you?”

“Are you trying to make a fairy potion?  If you’d like I actually have one of those in stock now, you know.”

“Sigh… of course you would have one here now…”

“Come oooooon… you know you want the caaaake…”

“Herman, don’t you think your way of fixing this problem is a little… barbaric?”

“Caaaaaake…”

“What?  They’re dead, I’m hungry, what seems to be the problem here?”

“I just vouch for a more humane option, you know…”

“BLECK!  Tastes like rot and LSD!  Screw this, I’ll have my people-sushi fresh, thank you very much!”

“Yay, now I can do my thing!”

“You are oddly too happy about this, Eddie.”

“GAH, where are all these zombies coming from!  I’m only one pea shooter, I can’t take care of more than one at a time!  I need some back up!”

“Hmmm…”

“Hey mister!  Want some cake?!”

“Thanks, but I’m so tired of eating plant stuffs… Seriously, I need brains.”

Bonehilda: “Hmm, what’s this, cake in the backyard?!”

“Why, I would love some yummy cake!”

*ded*

Needless to say, poor Herman had to spit Bonehilda out.  She had no meat on her, and had a high alcohol content.  I have no idea how much she had to drink to try to eat cake from Herman that night anyway.

“So, is this IT, Wren?  The potion that will make me a fairy?”

“I’m positive!  Unless I was ripped off by that cashier again.  There’s a 30% chance it might just be rat poison.  I’ll go get Death to stand by just in case.”

“I feel a tingly… I think this is it!”

“Yay!  This is already too cool!  My inner fairy must be a blue butterfly pixie or something! I love this!”

“So guys, what do you think?!  Isn’t this the coolest thing or what?”

“I think it looks awesome, especially now that you bleached your wings to a lighter color!”

“I agree with Eddie, that Screen-Of-Death blue was a little much on my non-existent corneas.”

“Hey sis, I helped you out and all, so, would you mind of I bummed just a little bit of fairy dust from you?  Please!  It will help with my study of witchcraft and magic if you do!”

“Hmmm, ok fine.  But don’t blow it all at one time.  You do not want to know how I make this stuff.”

“Aw, sweet sister!  I promise I won’t waste any of it.  Or at the moment, use any of it, as I don’t think I know what to do with this stuff yet!”

So then I decided to play my first prank on my sister.

“Hey look Wren!  Thought bubbles!”

“Well darn.  Pesky little photo ruiners!”

“Heh heh heh…”

“I mean, why would I even be thinking of artwork at a time like this?!  I’m not even artistic!”

“Whoa, did it just drop below freezing or is it just me?!  Raven!”

“Hahaha, that was quite hilarious!”

“Heh heh heh, alright, you want to play like that?  Now it’s my turn…”

“Wait, I was just playing a cute little prank!  You’re magic can really hurt me!”

“Hm.  You look weird morbidly obese, Raven.”

*Says nothing because frozen solid*

“Aw, well aren’t you just a sweet little thing as a fairy Raven?!  That’s so cute!”

“Hm, Barnabas?  What’s cute?”

“Oh wait, you are there?  Then who’s this little… BONEHILDA!  Get the bug swatter again, the pixies are back in the house again!”

“So I hear you are a big shot witch in town!  Well I’m a master alchemist and pretty badass myself!  We should do battle and have a match sometime or something!”

“I agree, let’s go!”

This isn’t what I had in mind when you agreed to do battle guys.

“Wait, rock defeats paper right?  I’m confused.”

“Bah, me too.”

“No one mind me back here guys, just making martinis and not trying to pretend I’m Cornelia Goth in any way… stalking her and wanting to be her… have some of that sweet sweet Gunther sauce… mmm…”

“I say, I DO believe that the scissors beat rock!  You have humiliated me in public, you harlot *slap slap*”

Because that’s the way you make friends, Wren.

And then Wren drove her home for the evening.  Witches.  They are just weird.

“Can you two fairies go socialize not in front of the television here?  I’m trying to watch Oprah.”

Once Barnabas took me with him to a friend’s house, where my only other fairy acquaintance apparently lived.  It was nice to talk to someone who was like me.

“My word, have I ever told you how rediculously hot you are when you suck the blood and marrow out of my armbones, babe?”

“I get that a lot.”

“But seriously.  Can you get your little friend to stop pranking my roommate?  If this shit get out of hand I will sue your sexy ass for damages.”

“Raven, stop… oh your head’s on fire now.  I think that’s good enough.”

“Oh wait… my baby senses are tingling… is there a baby nearby?”

“Yeah, I told the little crap to wash dishes an hour ago, eh, it hasn’t even moved from where I dropped it last night.  Go figure.”

“Oh a BABY!  I will love it and snuggle it and be there forever for it…”

“Uh, WEIRD?  Really Barnabas, I think it’s about time you left anyhow…”

Go figure even in this game Barnabas is still a baby freak.

“Um, Mr. Collins?”

“Yes Wren?”

“I think you are supposed to leave that lady’s baby here…”

“Oh… you sure?”

YES we are SURE, Barnabas.

Over the course of the last few weeks, there was just so many sparkles and colors in the house, that it just drove us insane.

It drove me insane, anyway.

*Hefty projectile vomit burp*

“Haha, I am the best prankster in the world!”

Wren: “Really?  You only achieve getting covered in vomit and fire each time, you know.”

“Thanks for reminding me, Wren.”

“Death, I have a question.  Why is it whenever you get moody and broody, you have to force us all to starve as well?”

“Because Quote the Raven, Refridgerator.”

“Why does Mr. Collins let you live here again?”

As I figured, after becoming a fairy, I gained skills that made me connect so much more with my plants.  I could make them bloom and weed themselves!  It was fabulous!  Which was great, because gardening them manually was getting a little much, even for me.  

That being said, I didn’t just use all my powers for flowers…

“Haley?  Is that you?  I’d love to talk about why you are angry at me for having to dump your baby out on your front lawn when I left the other night but I kinda got a bigger problem trying to find out why my toilet that is coincidentally covered in fairy dust is broken…”

“Did someone say BROKEN TOILET”

“Yeah I really got to go now, Haley.  Bonehilda just murdered me with the door.  Laters.”

“Well I’ll be damned.  The toilet just exploded all over me, Barnabas.”

“Damn.  And I took one of my famous morning poops in it just a bit ago.  And here I thought that was the problem the whole time.”

“Oh, that wasn’t the problem… but I bet you I know what the problem was!”

“Oh Bonehilda, you have something hanging out of your nose… Bonehilda?”

“Not right now, I must go and plan my revenge!!”

*Sobs and drip-dries in the corner*

Revenge indeed.

“Ah, my new ride is just fabulous!  So much faster and powerful than the old standard broom!  Barnabas’ gift to me is just awesome!”

Eh?

Is… is that a Dyson?

Well, can’t argue with that, now can I?  It was a good movie.

I can’t express how much I loved being a fairy, guys!  I don’t usually dress all girly or anything either, but this was the equivalent of being a Disney princess to me!

“Hey Death, hold still right quick!  I’m going to cast a spell on you!”

“A what?!  No, please!  I don’t want to be a toad!  Warts look terrible on my non-skin!”

“No silly, I’m trying to help you out with your unlucky love life!  Behold, I have cast a charm on you that will cause the next person you talk to to fall in love with you!  Go for it man, there’s no stopping you now!”

“I’ll stop him if he doesn’t stop leaving those nasty plasma juice boxes all over my clean martini bar >:\”

“Bonehilda?  Bonehilda?!  Bonehilda!  Well shit.  So much for that!  Now that I have this charm on me, I can’t EVEN talk to her now.  Way to waste my life, Wren.”

Wren: *skips off in a trail of fairy dust*

Because of Wren’s charm, Death had to watch who he had to talk to within the 24 hours before the spell broke since he couldn’t even talk to the bone maid.  Too bad that didn’t work out…

“Death, I just want you to know that the rent is up man, and I really don’t have the cash to take over your part this month, so you really need to fork up this week, or get a better job, because this might be bad on our credit record, ok?!”

“MMMPH!”

Yeah, I know, go figure.

“You know… that wasn’t half bad.  I liked that a lot!  Not exactly an alien abduction, but still exhilarating as fuck!  Call me sometime, Death.”

“No, this isn’t how I wanted it to go down!  No, Bonehilda, WAIT!  Come back!  This isn’t what you think that was!”

“Did you even test that spell before you used it on poor Death, Wren?”

“I tested it on Raven.”

“Should we avoid her for 24 hours then?”

“Most definetely.”

*THREE HOURS LATER*

“Damn, Eider.  You’re hot, I’m hot, we should get together sometime, hm?”

“DAMMIT, WREN, I FORGOT!  HELP!  HELP ME!”

Ugh, that was a horrible few days right there.  I needed 4 months of psychiatric help and Eider needed 7 months of therapy after that.

The day right before we were supposed to return home to Starlight Shores, I was in my little fairy house near my garden, Wren was breaking everything in the house trying to upgrade it for Barnabas out of “good will” and Eider was taking a break from marking his territory on all the trees in the neighborhood, when we heard a strange noise coming from the backyard, followed by a scream, and moo, and then a burp.

“Let me guess, Herman.  You aren’t throwing this one back up?”

“Nope, I’m going to keep this one down even if it makes me nauseous as hell.  I know the bones are probably not good for my digestive tract, but I haven’t actually successfully gotten one all summer!”

“Let me guess.  Is it that bone chick?”

Sigh, sure as hell was.

“Dammit Bonehilda, why’d you actually have to go and… actually I don’t really care *doesn’t get a sad death moodlet at all*”

“Hee hee.  Eddie, go ahead and cut another node in the tree, but circle this one.  I actually managed to kill one of my victims :D”

“Bonehilda?  Really?  This… this is actually really good for me!  This time you can’t escape me!  I finally have you where I want you, you can now GO ON A DATE WITH ME!  😀  YES!  First, we will go on a romantic hay ride, crash the hay cart, reap the souls involved, and then I know a great malt shop in downtown Hades…”

“FINE!  YES, I WILL GO ON A DATE WITH YOU IF THAT WILL SHUT YOU UP ALREADY, DEATH!  Damn!  Just… let’s go on and go and get this over with!”

” 😀 😀 😀 Later bitches!”

“Ok, goodbye death.  It was a good summer with you, I guess.”

“Wow, so much horror in the past five minutes that even the hardied werewolf Eider couldn’t take it.”

“I know, he passed out so hard, I don’t even think he noticed the briars he passed out in.  He’ll never tangle that out of his underwear successfully when he wakes up either.”

Sadly, we didn’t get Bonehilda’s tombstone.  Neither did the cemetery.  I guess that was Death’s way of saying we couldn’t take her back from him this time.  However, the underworld seemed unsettled by the whole situation.  ‘Dismissing Bonehilda’ was still ‘possible’ but it never could actually happen.  And the jingle that played whenever a ghost would appear on the lot would play every few hours for no apparent reason, along with a random zombie appearing on lot on an average of one every 3 hours no matter what time of the day it was. It was a weird final day in Moonlight Falls, for sure.

But our trip soon came to an end afterwards, and Barnabas braved the morning sun to see us off.

“Well, later Raven.  I enjoyed you hanging out, playing in the garden, and breaking all the toilets in my house.  And Eider, it was cool man.  I’m glad we got to spend time with each other when we did.”

“Oh, can I come back next summer?  I really did have a blast here, and I really did make a lot of friends, and I do love this place!  Please, with a cherry on top?!”

“You sure can!  I would love for you guys to spend another summer here!”

Of course we never went back.  We are lazy teenagers, what do you expect?

“Well, we are about to go, and I haven’t seen a hide or hair of Wren.  Do you know what’s taking her so long to get ready, Barnabas?”

“I don’t know, Raven.  I think she’s either still getting her stuff together or she might still be in the backyard.  I saw her earlier messing around there a little while ago.  You can go check there if you want to.”

“Wren?  What are you doing, the taxi will be here any minute now.”

“Just a few more minutes.  The whole reason I wanted to be a witch… I’m about to do something I’ve wanted to do for ages now.”

“What… what is that?  Is that a urn?  Is that HER urn?!  Don’t tell me… did you steal that from the mausoleum back home, Wren?!”

“I took this urn YEARS ago, Raven!  I HAD to!  I have been haunted by it for years…”

“But I need her back here with us!  I want Uncle Azazel back, Raven…”

“Bringing Aunt Jesse back from the dead isn’t going to bring Azazel back, you know this right?”

“You don’t know that, Raven!”

“Uguuuuuugh….”

“Wren?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I peed myself.”

“Seriously, Wren.  Aunt Jesse is a zombie now.  You really think Azazel is going to come home now because of this?”

“I don’t know.  I wanted it to.  I really miss him so much, Raven.  He was my favorite person in the world…”

“I know, but do you think Azazel wanted his wife like this?  She’s rotting, Wren.”

“Maybe.  Who knows.  Azazel was crazy as a loon anyway.”

“Yeah.  But this doesn’t mean he’s coming home.  Wren, we don’t know where he is, we haven’t heard from him in several years.  His zombie wife here won’t make him come home.”

“*sniff* I guess not.”

“This isn’t Jesse.  Jesse is about to tear what’s left of my garden up.  She’s eating plants now.  If she was the real living Jesse, then maybe.  Uncle Azy will come home maybe then. But please Wren.  Stop beating yourself like this trying to get our Uncle to come back and let’s go home.  It’s the only thing we can do, dear.”

“…Ok.”

So that’s where we left our Aunt, eating my dying garden and returned home to Starlight.  Had I known sooner that Wren was that torn up about her missing uncle that that was the reason she turned to witchcraft, maybe I could have been there for her?  I don’t know.

But I do know one thing.

BEING A FAIRY IS FUCKING AWESOME!  

LATER BITCHES!

//End Tape

Of course, after that was done, I made the peashooter attack Jesse just to see if that would cure her of zombism, just like the other zombies.

HAH, guess what, it does XD

“Ooh, where am I?  I felt like I’ve been asleep for a hundred years!  I had the strangest dreams that I was trapped in a jar and buried in the ground for so long…”

“Well welcome back, Mrs. Rotter :D”

And so was that.

This brings us to the end of this EP playthrough, about time.  A few words of afterthought, great EP, I’ll admit, I was a little anxious to play through it because I thought that there would be so much stuff in this EP that I would get overwhelmed.  In a way, that’s true, there is so much more stuff in this add-on than let’s say, Generations or Ambitions.  Probably another EP with stuff in it that I only began to scratch the surface of.  So many things to do!  And yet, there are just three or so new patterns available in this one.  I found that funny.

Anyway, moving on, now that that is said and done, next chapter we will go back to starting generation 10.  I WAS going to do a Holloween special again this year like I did last year, but Supernatural seems to be plenty Holloween themed for the month, and I don’t want to take that much time away from the Seckies.  Also, I haven’t had time this year to work on one or even plan on out.

“WHAT?!  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!  I spent ALL YEAR plotting out what I wanted to do this year!”

Sorry dear.  Maybe next Holloween or something?

“You can’t be fucking serious!  These dogs are expensive as BALLS to rent, dammit!”

Ugh, sorry D: seriously, I was looking forward to a special for the best holiday of the year since July, but it just got away from me.

BUT I will share with you a little holloween surprise, ok?  For the record, don’t go expecting any fairies and magic from this EP in the Secksie legacy.

BECAUSE THAT LEGACY IS OFFICIALLY DONE! 😀

Has been for a couple of months now actually, how awesome is that?!  It’s just a matter of posting the last small batch of chapters out now.  So starting from next Thursday for every Thursday until it ends, there will be a new chapter out.  Now it’s on a schedule, how cool is that?

BWAHAHAHA

HAPPY HOLLOWEEN EVERYONE