And so, the vacation turned into its last few weeks, before Wren’s family would return home. Wulfric finally fought his shark and secured his status as the loser parent with his daughter. Wren was helping her sister Raven raise her resort’s star status, and Merlot and Syrah weren’t having any luck with the mermaid hunt. Just a herd of loser vampires.
Syrah, you probably should leave that to someone else.
Shark: “And you see why I bit your fishtail off all those years ago.”
Triton: “Cruel, but just payback.”
No one wants the lame normal human body you have, Triton.
But he is a cutie mcpootie though.
Maya: “Yeah, the currents make them very bouncy and very hard to swim with. The lack of tail doesn’t help either.”
Syrah: “I don’t know, bra, but I do know where that SHARK CAME FROM”
Shark: “Have you defaulted or recently been involved in a foreclosure?”
Merlot: “OH NO!”
Syrah: “Wow, I’m really tired of all these sharks attacking you, bra.”
Merlot: “OH, YOU’RE TIRED OF THE SHARK ATTACKS, I’M SO SORRY”
Kraken: “Meine freund! Ich habe ein neues Schachspiel! Komm, spiel mit mir!”
Merlot: “What the-”
You probably should go get a janitor crew while you’re at it. Been letting the place go while I was gone.
Syrah: “I don’t think so. The sea grass seems to be too thick for them to squeeze through. I think you’re safe here, dude.”
At the fact that your name is Salty or at the fact that you not only don’t have a tail, but you don’t have any feet either?
Merlot: “I wanted to be a merman, but not like this.”
How about you idiots don’t reset inside of each other, ok?!
Syrah: “I know, bra! Lookit’ them bob!”
Maya: “Do you two have to be so inappropriate?!”
Merlot: “If I have to wait to depressurize one more time over this bullcrap, my brain is going to pop.”
Maya: “Maybe I should pay a visit to the land witch, Ursola, and see if I can trade anything for a fish tail. I don’t have a voice to pay her in, but maybe she takes payments in breasts.”
Syrah: “WHAT?! WHY ME, MERLOT’S THE ONE YOU WANT, GO GET HIM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”
Mia: “Yeah, I do that. But it’s nice to befriend you slowly over a cellphone. Modern technology is all we need for friendships really! That, and your dad’s hot ass helps too.”
Merlot: “I have growing concerns about this actually.”
Mia: “No way, man! This is magic seaweed, it’s guarenteed to turn you into a merman, and you can join the oceans with us forever! Or you can give it to your dad, and let him join me. That’ll be hot too.”
Syrah: “Please, I do this twice a week while surfing. Shark punching is my breakfast, dude!”
Merlot: “Maybe later. Right now I’m cherishing the last few moments I have as a mortal man! Hopefully, this seaweed will turn me into a mermaid, and not a water vampire like everyone else.”
Syrah: “Everyone else but Maya. Who, by the way, followed us onto the boathouse somehow. Don’t let her in, or she’ll sink the boat. You know, old sailor superstition.”
Merlot: *Too busy having a bubble bath*
Door: *Suffocating, how did*
Merlot: “Yeah, I was hoping for barracuda or deathfish, or even robot fish, but goldfish? This is almost embarrassing.”
Syrah: “Dude, you wanted to be a merman since two weeks ago. You sure this is gonna fly by with you’re folks?”
Merlot: “Dude, they probably won’t even notice! Now that I’m a merman, I can be free from their opinion! I feel like I’m me for the first time in forever!”
Syrah: “Coolio then, bra. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep oogling Maya’s chest from the window then until she gives up on trying to read.”
Raven: “You know. I’m really happy for everything you’ve helped me with, Wren. The resort is so cool now, we have a cool pool, bar, boarding, everything’s clean, and we’ve attracted a lot of hotties.”
Wren: “It is nice out here now. The sand is cleaner and the food is better. I’m glad to be of service.”
Raven: “I hear your husband finally came back from his little island he found, and your son finally showed up. He’s in the pool trying out his “sea legs” he said. You should go pay them a visit.”
Merlot: “It’s nice, mom! Just being a fish now, that’s all.”
Wren: “Sounds cool. Later, son!”
Merlot: “Uh, ok.”
Marlon: “Very slow day, today actually. The only highlight I have today at the beach is that I realized other sims could move their boathouses too. That one parked right there in the middle of the bay where all the heavy boat traffic goes through. What a pack of assholes.”
Greg: “I’d rather be wearing a Mickie D work uniform right now, ma’am.”
Wren: “It’ll grow on you, it’s a good look, and I’m so wasted right now to see nothing else but an actual pink rabbit serving me drinks!”
Merlot: “This is so great! I’m finally so happy with my life! No longer will I be just simple Merlot! I’m now Merlot the Marlin, the new king of the ocean! Wow, actually that name sounded so much better in concept.”
Cara: “Wha-I’M NOT SUFFERING! I drowned in a shower, not at sea, can’t I actually have some fun and do some activities without people thinking this is where I suffered my loss?! Get the hell out of here, kid!”
Merlot: “I’d go and say goodbye to my family, but apparently all is lost now. I guess Syrah forgot to turn off the stove again, so so much for returning there. Goodbye family, may I see you along the shores of where ever you travel!”
And so, Merlot headed for his new home in the sea, to find adventure, and new life amongst his people. You know, until the curfew police manage to set a fishing hook in his ear or something and haul him back home.
Wren: “The sand here sticks together so much better than the resort sand! I’m going to have so much fun on the new island, Raven!”
Raven: “Oh you dog!”
Wren: “I’m still RIGHT here, you guys.”
Marlon: “Ok, so maybe the hot tub humping isn’t such a good idea right now.”
Marlon: “Hey, Chianti, where’s your father? He was supposed to meet us here hours ago for the celebration.”
Chianti: “He started ranting about obtaining the whole island nation. Something that the science facility told him that they wanted him to collect scales from all the minnows in the world. So I left him in the swan boat again and came on here.”
Wulfric: “Why does Chi have to be so hard on me and my goals?? I can catch the minnows, and she’s just being difficult. Sigh, I hate this boat. And it’s stupid swan face. Sigh… Great, now I can hear Germany’s national anthem being played from somewhere…”
Kraken: *Really loud Deutschlandlied*
Wren: “That’s what you get for dragging our daughter along on your hair brained, dangerous ideas, Wulfric! You know better than to anger a powerful witch and summoner such as your wife! Ugh. When will you ever learn…”
Kraken: *Please rise for your national anthem*
Wulfric: “SYRAH GET BACK HERE AND HELP YOUR UNCLE, I DON’T SWIM WELL! SYRAH, COME ON NOW!”
And so, Syrah flew away into the night sky, leaving his uncle to get his toes nibbled off. Some say they were nibbled by the very minnows he was trying to catch, others say it was Mia Azul. But in the end, they all had a good vacation in Isla Paradiso.
Let’s take some time to have some afterthoughts on Island Paradise. Or skip to the end if you don’t want to read a block. First off, it’s a really pretty EP. The visuals are great and there is a good amount of cool new stuff in this game. Resorts impressed me the most, and the town is beautiful to look at. There’s always a new place to look at in this town, and I’ve barely scratched the surface touring it myself. New activities are fun, and the boats work like a charm and go through water more fluidly than I expected. I was afraid the land-to-sea transitions between sims, boats, and boathouses were going to be laggy and I am surprised that they work wonderfully well.
That being said, there are a lot more downsides to this EP than I wanted. A lot of people tell me Isla Paradiso is laggy and bugged, and doesn’t last as long as other towns. That’s troubling to hear, since so many things, like the Kraken and the scuba diving, seem to be virtually exclusive to this town. I didn’t have any problems out of the usual when I played, but I only played here for a short time personally. I hear that the problem can come from the Scott’s family’s boathouse not being docked correctly at the start of the game, so it’s recommended to deal with that problem upon the game’s start, but I haven’t tested that out myself so if you want to send a legacy family here, be precautious.
The town’s mermaids were a disappointment. Maya, Triton, Mia, and Salty should consider themselves embarrassed to even say they were mermaids. Apparently it was some sort of recent patch that messed them up? Get on your shit, EA. I tried to fix them myself (apparently I could do so through a loophole in testingcheats (?)) but every attempt to tamper with them crashed my game out. They didn’t really have a time to shine as their own sims, and that’s upsetting.
Underwater worlds are wonderful. I love everything about scuba diving, except it seems to take really long to build skill in it, and exploring caves for the first time reset everyone in the water onto the shore. Every cave does it the first time I do so. As I have said before, I hate having to “pop the cave’s cherry” just to use it without resetting.
I’m torn on the lifeguarding career. I didn’t get far enough in it to notice anything changing, and as strange and morbid as it sounds, I wish more sims would come and drown while Marlon was on duty. Some days no one showed up to be saved at all, and sometimes assholes would show up, get stuck in this “will I, won’t I” scenario, just to leave, and with the weird schedule, it could be days before Marlon would save anyone.
In conclusion, this is a great EP, but not the best, and not my favorite. With its problems, it seems like it would give even the best gaming computers some hard time. The content it comes with makes it worth it, if you are willing to put up with the bugs, and risk long term investment in staying in Isla Paradiso, at least until someone at EA bothers to solve the problems.
Darin Dick: “Wonderful! Does this mean that I can now have my old uniform back?”
Of course not, why ruin a good thing?