The New Sims 4 Adventure of 2019

*Creaks out of ancient coffin covered in dust and cobwebs*

Hey kids want a sims 4 post?

Serious note, sims 4 was free for like a week MONTHS ago because I’m lazy, and guess who ended up grabbing it because what do I have to lose?

Me that’s who.

I know I said this computer was on its last legs (It’s literally being held together with tape, stickers and even hospital gauze) and any time I feel like blundering through the sims 3 it still takes 20-40 minutes to load in.  Since I never got a new computer, and never justified getting a new computer to do nothing but play sims on, sims 4, and most everything else got put on such a long backburner.  My friend Hannah told me that 4 runs so much smoother than 3 does, however, I never wanted to spend the $40 something bucks just in case.  I stopped buying games on this thing after Dragon Age Inquisition put me through a 17 FPS hell and the whole graphics card issue I had for a year.

That being said, when 4 came out free, I figured what could go wrong?  Back up 3, and if 4 doesn’t work, uninstall it and go about my life.  No monetary loss, no stress.  Right?

Sims 4 runs like a fucking DREAM.

Hannah if you are reading this, you were RIGHT.  SMOOTH AS BUTTER.

How long will it last, I cannot tell from here.  Maybe it’ll crank down like 3 did as the save files get larger and larger, maybe it’ll not.

So with that, I am playing a short test game, with a simself, to explore this game I put off for almost half a decade (Has it REALLY been that long already??) Many of you I’m sure have already experienced all this stuff 1000’s of times over probably, so things that will impress me will probably bore you.  If not, feel free to chill and gander at my trainwreck simself’s life.1There I am, in all my glory.  Black sweater as all my original simselves since 2 have donned, and some galaxy leggings and nothing else because I was wearing the EXACT SAME PANTS when I first turned on the game.  These are my pants.  THEY WERE MADE FOR ME!

The traits I picked out were creative, geek, and art lover. Her life aspiration is painting or something like it.  So few traits to pick from and so few aspirations to choose from as well is odd, but I like the sliders for CAS.

Creating my simself gave me a MASSIVE cramp in my whole arm though???? And I may have given my simself more Ass than there really is??  All controllable issues. So far this is good.2*.002 seconds in*

Sabrina: “Need a nap”

Bitch me too.3And of course who else would lead the welcome wagon other than the town’s own glorified Thot.

Bella: *Bangs on the glass like the baboon twig she is*

Jaime I think his name is: “I am uncomfortable :)”4Sabrina: “Thanks guys.  You brought HER into my yard and tainted it.  Now I got to sell the lot and start all over again.”

Karla probably: “But…. I brought a fish cake I think it is”

Bella: “I like air”5Sabrina: “I’m keeping my eye on you you nasty skank”

Bella: “What is this hoe’s problem”6Mm, that Tetris spinoff looks so exciting and fun

Sabrina: “It was Game of the Year, shows what you know”7I’m guessing my simself is really going to start this playthough pissed off at everything.

Sabrina: “Stupid Bella, in my stupid fridge now, my stupid backyard also everyone’s hang out plot, stupid river, stupid ducks, dumb Tetris 2 won’t let me pass level 45, everything sucks, grumble grumble”
8This shot was supposed to be Baby’s First Route Fail, since she can’t find her way to the grill from here, but when reviewing screenshots, I realized screenshots in 4 do not show sims thought or speech bubbles.  Which I think is really cool!  Though it kills some purpose to some screenshots I take but still.

Landgrabb: “How many centuries do you think it’ll take for this air pollution to go away?  Haha!  I feel like I’m living in a cloudy fish tank!  Hilarious!  I can’t breathe.”
9Jeffery: “Hey bb I see you like sticking forks into wieners”

Sabrina: “They’re……. hamburgers….”10Sabrina: “But mama does like her a red head.”

Already distracted I see.11Jeffery: “But alas, I am a married man, with kids and a house and all that stuff”

Sabrina: “Then why did you even bring up the wiener stabbing, you’re no fun”13The next morning the Goths were paid a visit, more or less because I cannot afford a shower right now.

Sabrina: “Scrubbing the grime off before they find me is always a fun game to play.”

Mortimer has the expression of a man that does not want to come into that bathroom.
14Mortimer: “MY WATER BILLS”

Sabrina: “Hold on, I still got soap behind my ears.”

Mortimer: “NO GET OUT NOW”15Mortimer: “If it’s any conciliation, you have some banging tits”

Sabrina: “Moments like this I wish I had a kleptomaniac trait”16The next day I FINALLY stopped being such an emotional angry shitlord, though, Mortimer remained pissed at me.

Sabrina: “Zzzz, mmm, good morning Buzz Aldrin.  Good morning, angry rich guy that saw me naked last night.”

Mortimer: “I’m getting a restraining order on you.”17Jeffery came to visit that afternoon, so Sabrina worked on a friendship.

Sims coming to visit gives me sims very sims 2 vibes.  I super rarely ever get sims 3 visitors ever.  Not without calling and begging asking.18Back at the Goth residence to shower and Bella’s already exhausting her last 2 brain cells.

Bella: “I was just trying to slice a zucchini!!”19Bella: “Husband!  I request your help!”

Mortimer: “Ugh, is the Sabrina girl bathing in the sink or something this time?”

Bella: “No, the stove is yelling at me, I need you to stop it!”20Mortimer: “Yeet”

Bella: “Mortimer??  ….Husband???”21Mortimer: “I suppose this is the end… I’m sorry my son, we must start our lives over anew without your beloved mother, rest her soul in piece.”

Alexander: “Please father, I don’t want to be the Caliente hooker’s new son”

Jeffery: “And then I said, that’s not a horse its my mother-in-law!!”

Sabrina: “Haha you’re funny man”

Inviting other sims onto other lots is also really cool.  Instead of rounding them up and hoping they don’t route fail on the way there like you did in the previous games, you just pick them from a list and they show up.22Sabrina: “Cassandra, stop being a Pouty Patty and come take a selfie with us!  It’s a good day!”

Cassandra: “Can’t you see I literally just got out of work at Burger King and need some time to mourn my beloved mother?”

Sabrina: “She literally just broke a nail calling the fire department, calm down guys.”23Jeffery: “Now I don’t mind being your friend and all but you should get your hand out from inside my shirt, it is not meant to be, Sabrina”

Sabrina: “Aw, why, why does it have to be like that…”

😦24Esmeralda: “Good morning everyone, it is I, Jeffery’s daughter with his wife Tamara, enjoying this lovely, non-adulterous morning!”

Margharita: “Ooh, that’s gonna sting a bit”

Sabrina: “Why you gotta remind me I’m alone”25A day out on the town with people I barely even know.

I’m happy to see even in the new(er) game, the fusings still happen.

Brown haired guy: “Two for one deal.  Hot.”26Sabrina: “Yeah, I’m so lit, another round for everyone!”

Margharita: “Hoe you’re so broke you can barely afford the water, go home already”

Jeffery: *Just happens to be there coincidentally*27Sabrina: “Stupid ass trash, take yourself to the trash can I’m tired of doing everything around here.”28And then she was moved to Oasis Springs for shits and giggles.

Sabrina: “I hate desert settings :)”29I thought when I moved to a new town, I’d never see the old townies again.  But, once again much like sims 2, I was surprised to see not only are the Willow Creek sims still in my sims relationships, but they were still walking by the house everyday.30Speaking of familiar townies

Jeffery: “I have nothing better to do than to walk two counties over to loiter around in front of this chick’s house.”31Sabrina: “Heeeeeyyyyy Jefferyyyy”

Jeffery: “Don’t think about it”

And yet he walked all the way over here himself, how sweet.32Sabrina: “I can’t help but notice you are still constantly following me around, even though our friendship is really weak and Bella is more of my friend than any of y’all are”

Jeffery: “Can’t help you keep showing up at the places I keep wanting to get drunk at, besides, I got to escape the wife somehow”33Sabrina: “I love that my new house comes with a free 1994 television, but I’m pretty sure the lightbulb is blown in it.”

Don’t know why the televisions have to be so dark, which is a shame, I like watching the programs that are shown on these things.34Hey look.  Jeffery’s back.

Jeffery: “Fuck you and fuck your trash can”

THANKS.35Jeffery: “Say one word about me ever being here and I’ll bodyslam you back to Twinbrook.”

Sabrina: “Haha, Jesus Christ dude eat a snickers.  What is your beef today?”36Sabrina: “I REALLY need to make friends that don’t have sticks jammed in their ass…”

Jeffery: “You’re probably the closest thing I have to a friend and it really pisses me off”37Bella: “Who did this, it’s ruining the house value”

Ask the redheaded asshole bitching me out in my living room.38Bella: “I may have pulled the only muscle in my tiny dainty waist doing this, but I will not allow this to continue!”

WOW, you aren’t completely useless, Bella!39Bella: “I saved your front yard from raccoons.  You are welcome.”

Sabrina: “Awww, Bella.  That was really considerate of you.  Thank you!”

Jeffery: “I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS SABOTAGE”40Jeffery: “DON’T. MESS. WITH. THE. TRASHCAN!!”

You REALLY need to get that crab out of your panties, Jeff.41Jeffery: “Now that the trashcan is back on it’s side, all is right in the world.  I’m happy once again.”

Hm, I don’t like you.42Bella, after once again setting the garbage can right side up: “No, this will not do, you have to actually plant the strawberries in the ground.  What caveman taught you to garden?”

Honestly??? I thought just throwing them down on the ground was going to do the trick!  Once again, Bella is helpful and actually showing me how to play the game!! (And how to actually fucking garden but I promise I’m not that dumb)43Bella: “There you go, now put the dirt OVER the berry… just like that, good!”

Sabrina: “Wow Bella, with this kind of knowledge one would think you were a farmer’s wife or something.”

Bella: “Me?  Never!  Never will I leave my Morti-bear-baby, now Pat that dirt down better than that or the water will just wash it off.”

Jeffery: “What are you doing out here instead of being in the house paying attention to me?!”44Jeffery: “Hoes be digging.”

Sabrina: “Go home already Jeff can’t you see me and my Better Best Friend are working here?”45Sabrina: “Cassandra invited me to her birthday party, and Bella may be a friend of mine, but that doesn’t give me a reason to pardon you for your attitude at all.”

Mortimer: “But… honestly… who walks into a stranger’s and bathes in their shower…”46Sabrina: “Nice party guys, the birthday girl isn’t even here and you two won’t stop pawing at each other for 2 seconds.”

Mortimer and Bella: “BLARGHGIOAHGORKLEA”

Cassandra: “That’s why I’m not even home right now”47Tamara, Jeffery’s wife, is catering the wedding, and made the cake!!  Which is cool.

Tamara: “Can’t buy this perfection for $30 in a catalog”

Sabrina: “There better not be fondant on that.  Nasty.”48Cassandra: “If my parents would quit snogging for a second, I would like to announce not only did I grow up, but I am now assistant manager at Burger King.  Thank you and good night.”

Sabrina: “No I was totally not asleep while you were getting caked.  It just happened so fast I didn’t have time to process it.”

Both happened really.49Sabrina: “Awh.  No wonder Jeffery is still with his wife.  She really does got that cake.”

Stop pouting and go home already.  We can find another guy or at least make you better friends.50Sabrina: “Mmn.  Hello again Jeffery.”

Jeffery: “Yes it is I, back for the 8th time this week I think.  Wait, don’t walk through me and just ignore me like that!”51Davon: “And that’s why Pizza Hut is better than Domino’s was to me!  Better wages, less getting mugged point blank from my delivery car window!”

Sabrina: “Yes Jeffery.  I’m over here socializing with cooler, nicer people than you.  Move on already.”

Jeffery: *Pouts in the street, How Could This Happen To Me plays on the far side of the lot*52And naturally, Sabrina gets sad and pouts for the remainder of the day, paints sad art that is hauntingly similar to something I would draw, right down to the brush type.

Sabrina: “At least the spider is happy…”53Sabrina: “Ok pout fest is over.  Hey Cassandra, how is adult life?”

Cassandra: “I’M STILL DRESSED IN MY HIGH SCHOOL UNIFORM ALL THE TIME SO THE LIQUOR STORE WON’T TAKE MY ID SERIOUSLY”

Sabrina: “Yall got to stop coming to my house angry, I’m not your therapist”54Cassandra: “You know maybe we’d be less pissy all the time if you’d do some house decorating.  How can you stand looking at this unrendered looking, uninspired, basic bitch layout all the time?”

Sabrina: “Oh wow, you’re right.  Let me patch that up a bit real quickly.”55Sabrina: “There we go, a bachelorette pad fit for a starving artist.  What do you think of it now, Cassandra?”

Cassandra: “…”56Cassandra: *Takes her breaking point out on my trash can*

I’m going to take that as a maybe.
57Jeffery: “WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO STAND UP”

I’m starting to think he thinks he lives here.58Sabrina makes one last attempt to make more friends in town, but thinks she’s landed in a swinger’s club by accident.  Or a nursing home.

Sabrina: “Alright you old bastard, better watch that hand before I shank it right off.”

Lilly: “Oooh feisty.  I like you.”
59Lilly: “How about you and I head back to my room and we pop these old hips back into place?”

Sabrina: “I am very scared”60Sabrina: “I have returned from the creepy nursing home to announce that I don’t think there’s another sim in this town that I find more interesting than you.”

Jeffery: “That’s both sweet and sad at the same time!”61And then they woohooed just like that because Sabrina isn’t about wasting any time.

She may not be any good at building friendships, but building romances was EASY as shit (at least with Jeffery here it is)62That is totally not the face of a man that is putting his marriage in jeopardy.

Jeffery: “The ProJared scandal has taught me NOTHING”63Sabrina: “Life doesn’t seem so bad after all.  Especially when these flowers are paying my bills.”

Dulce: “That and you getting laid.  I can smell it on you.”

How about you don’t creep in my garden?  Crazy old lady??
64Jayme: “Everyone in town knows it.”

Sabrina: “Everyone in town ain’t know shit.  WHY are you in my bathroom with me anyway, random?!”65Jayme: “Oh no.  EVERYONE knows.  The whole town walks by your bedroom window, remember?  We heard everything.”

Sabrina: “You’re about to hear the dirtside of my garden if you don’t get out of my bathroom.”66Sabrina: “Ugh, the irony is killing me.  Playing this computer simulation of myself struggling to keep up a suffering romantic life alive while I suffer in relationships… this is tearing me up right now.”

Hey shut the hell up will you and stop making this so meta67Jeffery didn’t come by the house for almost two days after the woohoo (FUCKING WOW YOU KNOW?? Men.) so we head to the local park and fish in the desert’s only uh, pond

Sabrina: “Can’t wait to catch the biggest fish in this puddle from that rock over there, yessir”68By the way??? Stud???

Matthias: “I’m just trying to catch dinner please.”69Sabrina: “Hi I’m Sabrina”

Matthias: “God I don’t care”

Sabrina: “Glad to know there are some cutey mcpooties in this town after all, this way if things don’t go well for me and Jeffery, I stand a chance of having a backup!”

Matthias: “Ugh”70Sabrina: “Oh wow.  Speak of the devil himself, he actually appeared.  How do you think he’s going to handle me being pregnant, which I forgot to mention I am”

Matthia: “God you are such a thot”72Matthias: “I hope he never accepts you ever again, and for the record, I REFUSE to be your backup so you better waddle your chunk ass off this lot afterward and never interact with me ever again.”

Lovely.  Matthias is hostile and has the evil trait.  Nvm then, go die in the forgotten sim obscurity then, damn.73Sabrina: “Oh well, moment of truth.  This is where we learn if Jeffery is going to be loyal, or at the very least, helpful to the situation.  Hey Jeffery!!”

Jeffery: “Hm?”

Sabrina: “I got news for you!!  I’m pregnant!”74Jeffery: “Hngngngnnnnnggfff noooo…..”

Sabrina: “Hm…. that is not the face of a happy man.”

The game said he gained friendship from it, but this is not the expression of someone that is thrilled learning about this.75Jeffery: “I’m BEGGING you please tell me its not mine”

Sabrina: “What is WRONG with you Jeffery, you really think there’s any other way I’m EVER going to be able to even find another guy with standards as low and shitty as yours”

Matthias: “Should I…. even still be here…”77Oh, now he’s MAD.  Ladies and gentlemen, father, husband, and baby daddy of the year right here.76Sabrina: “You know what hoe, two can play that game, Matthias has done nothing but be an asshole in the 3 minutes I’ve known him so I’m pretty pissed to hell off too.”

Matthias: “I’ve done my civic duty :3”78Jeffery left almost instantly, and at the same time his wife came to the lot.  Something I haven’t been able to show is that every time Jeffery shows up on a public lot, he will instantly dip if Tamara shows up as well.  Coincidental?  Maybe.  Makes me wonder why exactly he constantly has to come to my simself’s house in a poor mood if he’s avoiding her in public like this.79Anyway, piss on Jeffery though.  The next day or so Sabrina stayed at home nursing a piss poor mood and the day I figured she’d drop the kid, Bella was called over for Baby Watch Duty.  Since someone has to care about Sabrina when the kid comes, el sobbing.

Sabrina: “snore”

Bella: “Huh, oops, I guess that wasn’t the correct download file.  I swear these sites with their 10 “Download Here” links are so confusing.”80Oh wow.  Jeffery showed up during Baby Watch anyway.  After three days of whining about it you finally cooled your shit, Jeff?

Jeffery: *Pouts*

Bella: “Why did it ask me to pay another $350 to unlock the computer??  I already sent it once!  Oh well, good thing Mortimer is made out of money or I’d just have to buy a new computer.”81Sabrina: “You’re actually being sweet on me, Jeff?”

Jeffery: “I have come to terms with it, and I’ll help with the kid or whatever.  I just ask you not to name it something dumb like Wichita or Blastoise.”

Sabrina: “We’ll see.”

She’s easy to apologize to.82Cassandra: “Well so much for that.  So Jeffery and mom both vamoosed on you on Baby Watch huh?  Fine.  I’m here.  Don’t expect me to get all excited for you or whatever when the baby arrives, or even to know what labor even looks like.”

Sabrina: “Ok that’s fine…. Matter of fact, I’m in labor now!”

Cassandra: “Uh huh.  Good for you.”83Sabrina: *Passes the fuck OUT*

Cassandra: “Is this what labor looks like?  I was expecting more suffering, screaming and blood, but it looks like the most boring event in the world.”84Sabrina: “Ok enough of that, out you little shit everyone is tired of waiting, including me”

Cassandra: “Give me a second and I’ll upload this to your facebook…. “gone in labor….#mommyhood”…. four emojis of a baby bottle and one of a clown face…. and sent.”85Sabrina: “And she’s here!  I feel the joy of motherhood and all that!!”

Cassandra: “Good.  My Baby Watch is over.  By the way, the computer needs $400 or something to unlock again.  I figured only my mom would have downloaded something from that hideous alien pornographic site but seeing it on your computer too?  For shame.”86Sabrina:  “I’m going to name you Eden, which is my middle name, which I think would make a nice first name, that and I did promise Jeffery I wouldn’t name you Blastoise.

Cassandra: “Bye.  Going home now.”

She was SO supportive.87Jeffery: “OH NO, THE BABY ITS COMING”

Jeff my dude, its already here.  It was born 12 hours ago.

Jeffery: “I HAVEN’T HAD A BABY IN YEARS, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FIRST??!”88First thing he does is turn on Sports Entertainment, DAD OF THE YEAR.89Sabrina: “I have been practicing my art, what do you think of my…. risque series?”

Jeffery: “OH BABY MY PANTS ARE ALREADY OFF”90Cassandra: “Hey I think I left my retainer here yesterday so I came by to look for it”

Eden: *Is in the process of being traumatized*91Cassandra: “Giggity”

Now I really miss when you had to let sims into your house from 3.  This is encroaching on my personal privacy, Cassandra.92So much so that it has my scandalous simself with Jeffery frozen in fear in the bed.

Sabrina: “Actually, get a crowbar”

Ok, just frozen then.
93Cassandra: “Oh baby.  I know what it’s like to be traumatized as a child.  My mother is Bella Goth.  Like, can you imagine”

Sabrina: “We are going to starve in here”94Cassandra: “Hey you guys.  Your baby needs a diaper change and I ain’t about that life.  Need y’all to stop porking and develop a since of responsibility.”

Sabrina: “And I need you to LEAVE so I can put some PANTS on or I’m NOT coming out from under this cover!!”95Fuck it.  Reset it is then.

Sabrina: “I’m glad that cheat still works.”

Cassandra: “For what its worth, you’re hot without the pants”

Sabrina: “I don’t want to be friends with you no more”96Alright.  Time for some parental care and love.

Sabrina: *Crushes Eden with massive log thighs*

Just as the Sims Gods intended.97As horrible as these two tend to act sometimes.  I do find them very cute together (you know, how that Jeffery isn’t a raging asshole 90% of the time)98Jeffery: “My dear?  What in the fresh hell is this over my head?”

Sabrina: “Why is the sign you have been moved into my house permanently!  You live here now since someone has to watch the baby while I’m off to work in the day!”

Jeffery: “Well that’s not even going to fly because we BOTH have the SAME job and will both be gone in the day.”

Well that’s a wrench in the plan.99Upon moving in Jeffery’s son started visiting the family, presumably in an effort to find out why his dad up and dumped his family like what the hell, Jeff

Emmitt: *Actually has an eye thing where his eyes do NOT stay open and here he is struggling with looking at his dad* “Daddy why”

Jeffery: “For whatever the reason is son know you are the man of the house now, take care of your mother and sister and all that jazz”101Jeffery: “Anyway, it’s baby birthday”

Sabrina: “Congratulations baby, I can’t wait to ship you off to middle school so suddenly, aw they grow up so fast”103Sike, she’s a toddler now.

I knew they used to grow up from baby to child instantly, and I know that pissed off enough people for them to add toddlers to the game, but knowing EA, I’m surprised to find out they aren’t in like some sort of pay-to-play CC pack or whatever.  Either way, this makes me happy.  And baby Eden is CUTE!!

OH.  And we moved towns again.  Whatever.104Sabrina: “Building this house from scratch was fun and easy and being able to expand like this makes me feel like I’m ready to expand on my family as well.”105And so there was a little more honk honk tug tug in order to break in the new bedroom, which by the way, it interested me that you can hang art on windows now.
106More intresting is the amount of nearby townies to not only interact with, but will interact with others and interact with their surroundings.  In 3, 9 times out of 10 if a sim is in a public area, my game is so clogged that they can’t do much more than piss themselves and struggle for three hours to just turn around and go home.  To see sims, to see KIDS, out and playing, interacting, and not getting notifications of every child in town lagging so hard that they skipped school every day (by choking up the only door to the school building) it just does my heart some wonders.107Tamara: “Thank you for hiring me for your birthday party today!  I Tamara, wife of missing man Jeffery Dennison, am here to cater to your party for whoever is your birthday boy today!”

Sabrina: “Awkward.”108Sabrina: “Before we get onto the birthday celebrations, I got a surprise for you my darling Jeffy!”

Jeffery: “Oh god don’t tell me what I think you’re going to tell me again…”

Sabrina: “I’m preggers!!”109Jeffery: “You have GOT to stop doing this to me!!”

Sabrina: “Haha, get used to it bitch this is your life from now on”

Would it kill the father of my children to at least fake being happy for me a little harder??110Jeffery: “Going to ignore my estranged wife lost in the kitchen, plus why am I suddenly so old now”

Sabrina: “It’s such a shame, I can’t believe you’re already on your last stage of life…”111Sabrina: “Oh the fuck well” *Blows on the loudest fucking instrument she could have pulled out of her butt really Maxis, a vuvuzela?  Why would you do this to me*112Interrupting the unimportant birthday because of a REVELATION

Toddlers can FEED THEMSELVES

ON CHAIRS

I AM LIVING FOR THIS113ANYWAY.  Jeffery old.

Not much gonna change for him, just old now.114Jeffery: “That’s right baby all the plumbing still works just fine, wanna go test out the old cork and screw with me?”

Sabrina: “I suddenly actually despise my party outfit”

Tamara: “JEFFERY??!  So THIS is where you have been this entire time?!  You bastard, I literally just finished paying off your tombstone and everything!!”115Tamara: “And you’ve been CHEATING ON ME THIS WHOLE TIME!! YOU DOG!! YOU FUCKING GREMLIN!!”

Jeffery: “These tiddies tho”

Sabrina: “Ugh sudden motion sickness don’t do that”
116Tamara: “Actually, that is kind of hot”
117Tamara: “Ooh girl gonna get her some, I wish I was getting some”

Not sure how I feel about this instant mood change, I wasn’t expecting her to jump on a pregnant woman but at least don’t get aroused by it either…118Eden: “Nasty.  Disgusting.  None of you are free of sin.”

Jeffery: “The ass is worth it”119Tamara: “Oh well.  I ain’t even mad.  Matter of fact, I’m going to treat them to my favorite snack of all time out of good will.  The secret ingredient is Clorox.”121Moving along to leaving the baby at home alone to get engaged in the park.  LOVE I don’t need a baby sitter for this!  Work yeah.  Daytrips, pfft, who the fuck cares leave the kid in the yard it’ll be fine

Jeffery: “You actually love me?!  Wow!  I will!”122Jeffery: “It’s so large!  That is the largest Fruit Gusher I have ever seen in my life!!”

Sabrina: “Yeah well you should have seen it’s Mother Gusher.  That thing was enormous.  I had to kill it to harvest its young to forge that ring, but being haunted by its ghost for the rest of my life will be worth it for you.”

Gusher Ghost: “I will avennnnngeeeee my childdddddd”123Getting engaged wore Jeffery tf out and he came home and instantly took a nap nap in a chair.

Eden: “NOOOO!  SOB, DADDY’S DEAD!”
124No, but it looks like he soon will be…

Tamara: *Distant Jaws theme*125Tamara: “Actually I just came to sob, I can’t believe you’ve officially divorced me for your mistress, how can you do this to me, how can you do this to our KIDS!!”

Jeffery: “Oh shit, I didn’t mean to break your heart like this honest…”126Eden: “I’m going to do my best to sneak out and escape in case she goes feral and rips his face off”127Jeffery: “Oh um, have you met my newest kid?  It’s cute and should take the pain away from the heartbreak you are currently experiencing”

Eden: “Sniff, my daddy is a punk ass snitch”

Tamara: “Oh you think showing off your affair kid is going to make me feel better, Jeffery, you are so stupid”128Eden: “Pwease Miss Tamawa, don’t kill my daddy. He has the bwain of a pea and can give you an alimony check if he’s alive rather than dead.”

Tamara: “Oh fine.  You’re not wrong on that, kid.  Oh well, good luck paying rent after I destroy him in court then I guess.”129And so, for the next few days, Jeffery finally experienced an emotion other than piss-ass or horny for once in his life, and lamented the loss of his ex wife.130.1Esmerelda: “And you see Eden, that is now me and you are sisters, all while our dad is a cheating, whoring scumbag.”

Jeffery: “You don’t have to say it like that, that’s so cruel…”130.2Esmerelda: “Keep walking, you old ass stain.”

Eden: “Gasp, she’s so amazing!  I’m so happy to have her as my role model”131.1I was really hoping play time with Eden was going to be cute.  Though I should have figured Jeffery would screw this up somehow.

Eden: “Weee!  Swing me around faster, daddy!”

Jeffery: “Daddy is swinging as fast as his broken body is allowing him to…”131.2Sabrina: “Well it’s time for both of us to go to work!  So glad 4 brought back the proper nanny services that 2 had because I’m telling you those sims 3 teenagers were a sack of crap and a half.”

Zane: *Really unhappy to be here and not like in Borderlands 3*

Jeffery: “Eden, this is your new babysitter!  Be a good baby and remember the litter box is in the corner of the bathroom if you need it.  Be good for Mr. Zane!”131.3Zane: *Gets to work instantly like a proper nanny do*

Eden: “I don’t like the Borderlands series though…”131.4Zane: “But 3 is going to be so much fun!  We’re going to have a buff siren chick and guns with LEGS”

Eden: “YAY!  Guns with legs!  I love Borderlands 3 then!”131.5Eden then proceeded to break Zane’s arms off as well.

Eden: “What can I say.  They don’t call me the Bonebreaker for nothing.”131.6Zane: “Oh.  Wow.  They actually cut off the power to their house.  These hoes better scratch up the dough to pay me with before I leave.”

Tamara really did take every penny Jeffery had (actually they just broke because I have no money management skills)
131.7Sabrina: “I’m actually home a little early because the baby is about to drop like a boulder out of my thighs.  Please, enjoy some snacks and prepare to witness the miracle of birth.”

Zane: “Say what now”131.8Sabrina: “Hello baby Ellis!  You’re named so much because since Eden is my middle name, and I can’t think of anything else, so you’re getting my brother’s middle name.  Also it gives Jeffery the fact that all his children keep the fact that their names all start with E so that’s also cool.”

Eden: “The frump just happened.”

Zane: “Your first traumatization!  Congratulations!  That usually doesn’t happen until you’re like 5 I think”131.9Jeffery: “OH GOD!! LABOR!! ZANE CALL AN AMBULANCE”

Zane: “Does he do this often?”

Eden: “Wait until he realizes that I’m a toddler, his mind is going to be blown”

To be fair, the only one that’s in any set of panic when my simself is in labor has been Jeffery, even though he’s always so damn late.
131.99Updated the house to accumulate the newest newborn (all I really did for the baby was add a crib) and honestly, I have NO idea how I raised the whole house except for the hallway.  I can’t figure out how to fix it, but to be honest it looks good so I left it alone.

Can’t wait for someone to trip coming out one of those doors and busting their lip on a railing though.131Eden: *Actually has fucking toddler ANIMATIONS AND INTERACTIONS WITH THE LOWER LEDGE OF THE PLATFORM*

I am

FUCKING

LIVING FOR THIS132Jeffery: “Let us celebrate the fact that it no longer takes us 3 hours to step off a platform, finally allowing this slow ass computer to create more creative building constructs with some homemade spaghetti!!”

Sabrina: “Thanks.  My least favorite pasta.”

Eden: *Actually FED HERSELF AOGWJAGLDAJFDAS*133I think this is where I will stop the chapter for now.  I still have more to share from this game that I will post another day (Hopefully not the like, 3-4 months it took me to write this one but maybe I’ll stop having bad things happen to me for a while)

I’ll share a couple things I like and dislike about the sims 4 though.  First, I LOVE the loading times and smoothness.  I already touched on that but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

The townies seem fun and like 2 the game crafts them randomly and actually seems to mix the genes, a massive upgrade from 3 where I had to end up manually editing all those face one fucks on my own after the mods I got to do it for me failed me.

Not only single sims but whole families.  Jeffery’s (original) family?  I thought they were Maxis made.  Looked at the wiki for more information on them and they don’t exist apparently.  The game made that whole red-headed family itself.  I think that’s so well done.

BABY INTERACTIONS.  JUST. So much BETTER.

Traveling to lots?  I’m 75% positive and 25% negative.  Loading times are a PLUS even compared to sims 2.  I can leave the kids at home of course, but I can invite ANYONE that I know, and they will show up, no route fails, no waiting in a car, no shit, just there with me.  Those are real homies.  I miss cars though. Probably my only downfall to be honest.  I liked driving.  I liked hitting other sims and their cars

Cons now.

This being the base game, I guess I’m finding that I’m hitting a wall a lot, with not much content to experiment with, though at the same time I’m probably not hitting everything.  Maybe one day I’ll invest in an expansion.

I’m so spoiled having so much in my towns thanks to 3 and even 2.  There’s very few lots in these towns and even the one town with absolutely nothing in it, and I know it’s for the player to build up from scrap, but I like some in-depth environment.  Some townies with back stories, and some areas that tie into the lore of the town.  You can’t just plop the Goths into a town and call it a day.  3 had so much, and 4 has… Bella.  I know there’s Secret lots in these 4 towns, but after all I’d have to do to get to them?  It’s not the same.

I’m done writing a word wall now.

Does this mean a legacy is in the works?

Not right now.  Maybe one day but I got 2 sims 3 legacies I can’t seem to finish and lets not even talk about the sims 2 legacy that’s still on hiatus I swear it’s still a think

So for now, until next time, happy simming.

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 4 Comments

Anyone Seen Starla?

Hello, I hope everyone has had a good Thanksgiving and a good time since my last post in general, heh

I’m just popping in to see if anyone has heard from Starla, from The Creeper Legacy? You know this masterpiece that I drew massive inspiration on?

I was following her on Twitter for a while and today I had realized I hadn’t seen her post in a while, and when I went to snoop I think she deleted?  I’m usually a person who usually lets people do their own thing, delete if they feel like and all, but she had been having a really hard time for a while with life things during the last few weeks or months she posted, so I’m just a bit worried…

If anyone knows, idk maybe just let her know I was thinking about her?  I was hoping she was alright…

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 4 Comments

Island Paradise 4: Seaweed and Krakens

177And so, the vacation turned into its last few weeks, before Wren’s family would return home.  Wulfric finally fought his shark and secured his status as the loser parent with his daughter.  Wren was helping her sister Raven raise her resort’s star status, and Merlot and Syrah weren’t having any luck with the mermaid hunt.  Just a herd of loser vampires.

178Syrah: “Don’t be such a wet blanket, dude!  I’m just trying to make waffles for breakfast, why you gotta be so damn loud?”

Syrah, you probably should leave that to someone else.

179Triton: *Twerks on the sharks face*

Shark: “And you see why I bit your fishtail off all those years ago.”

Triton: “Cruel, but just payback.”

180Triton: “Now I must return home, for that weirdo kid has returned, and wants my body.”

No one wants the lame normal human body you have, Triton.

181Gnome: “A whole new world for me to adventure in!  I can’t wait to block other sims way down here, glitch and go invisible, and get stuck right outside of the border of this lot!”

But he is a cutie mcpootie though.

182Syrah: “Wow!  You look even less like a fish man than Triton does!  I almost mistook you for a drowning babe!  But anyway, them breasts.”

Maya: “Yeah, the currents make them very bouncy and very hard to swim with.  The lack of tail doesn’t help either.”

183Merlot: “Where did that “mermaid” vanish off to, Syrah?!”

Syrah: “I don’t know, bra, but I do know where that SHARK CAME FROM”

Shark: “Have you defaulted or recently been involved in a foreclosure?”

Merlot: “OH NO!”

184Merlot: “SYRAH, PLEASE CALL A SEA AMBULANCE”

Syrah: “Wow, I’m really tired of all these sharks attacking you, bra.”

Merlot: “OH, YOU’RE TIRED OF THE SHARK ATTACKS, I’M SO SORRY

185Merlot: “After a harrowing encounter with that darn shark, it’s so nice to just chill and say hello to the clams.  Hello clams.”

Kraken: “Meine freund!  Ich habe ein neues Schachspiel!  Komm, spiel mit mir!”

Merlot: “What the-”

186Merlot: “SYRAH!  TELL MY FATHER AND SISTER I LOVE THEM!  AND TELL MY MOTHER SHE ALWAYS DID A DECENT JOB CUTTING MY HAIR, I JUST NEVER APPRECIATED HER ENOUGH FOR IT”

187Raven: “YES!  Four stars!  Now we are finally getting the recognition we deserve!  I’m gonna go get snacks!”

You probably should go get a janitor crew while you’re at it.  Been letting the place go while I was gone.

188Merlot: “I sure hope no freaky giant octopus and sharks are in this place.”

Syrah: “I don’t think so.  The sea grass seems to be too thick for them to squeeze through.  I think you’re safe here, dude.”

189Salty: “They think they’re safe, but I’m STEAMING MAD”

At the fact that your name is Salty or at the fact that you not only don’t have a tail, but you don’t have any feet either?

190Salty: “Hah!  For that, I have eaten your precious children.”

Merlot: “I wanted to be a merman, but not like this.”

How about you idiots don’t reset inside of each other, ok?!

191Merlot: “Is this the mermaid you were talking about earlier?  Damn, Syrah.  You weren’t kidding about the boobies.”

Syrah: “I know, bra!  Lookit’ them bob!”

Maya: “Do you two have to be so inappropriate?!”

192Syrah: “ALRIGHT, this bullshit resetting stuff has GOT to stop!  I just want to look around a sea cave, not sign waivers and fees to the resetting gods just to get through a hole in a rock!”

Merlot: “If I have to wait to depressurize one more time over this bullcrap, my brain is going to pop.”

Maya: “Maybe I should pay a visit to the land witch, Ursola, and see if I can trade anything for a fish tail.  I don’t have a voice to pay her in, but maybe she takes payments in breasts.”

193Shark: “I’m so glad I found you two again!  So have either of you thought about it, and found a good co-signer with credit you are getting on board with???”

Syrah: “WHAT?!  WHY ME, MERLOT’S THE ONE YOU WANT, GO GET HIM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

194Merlot: “I’m glad we finally got to talk face-to-face again since I once met you and you vanished on me a billion weeks ago, Mia.”

Mia: “Yeah, I do that.  But it’s nice to befriend you slowly over a cellphone.  Modern technology is all we need for friendships really!  That, and your dad’s hot ass helps too.”

Syrah: *dying*

195Mia: “Here you go, some of that dank kush.”

Merlot: “I have growing concerns about this actually.”

196Merlot: “Uh, excuse you Mia, this is just a pickle.”

Mia: “No way, man!  This is magic seaweed, it’s guarenteed to turn you into a merman, and you can join the oceans with us forever!  Or you can give it to your dad, and let him join me.  That’ll be hot too.”

196Meanwhile, Syrah actually managed to win against the shark, first one to do too!

Syrah: “Please, I do this twice a week while surfing.  Shark punching is my breakfast, dude!”

197Syrah: “Let’s celebrate the shark’s ass whoopin with a little party up in my place!  Woo!”

Merlot: “Maybe later.  Right now I’m cherishing the last few moments I have as a mortal man!  Hopefully, this seaweed will turn me into a mermaid, and not a water vampire like everyone else.”

Syrah: “Everyone else but Maya.  Who, by the way, followed us onto the boathouse somehow.  Don’t let her in, or she’ll sink the boat.  You know, old sailor superstition.”

198Maya: “Wow, rude.  I’m not sinking anyone’s boat, I just want to read this human tome about talking llamas and wizard chickens.  Do I really have to do it out here in the dark?”

Merlot: *Too busy having a bubble bath*

Door: *Suffocating, how did*

199THANK GOD, new mermaids are ACTUALLY mermaids!  Look!  Fish legs!  I had no idea your inner fish was a goldfish, Merlot!

Merlot: “Yeah, I was hoping for barracuda or deathfish, or even robot fish, but goldfish?  This is almost embarrassing.”

200Merlot: “I found a red Sharpie upstairs and colored my scales with it, I hope you don’t mind.  But I finally feel like the fish I always wanted to be!”

Syrah: “Dude, you wanted to be a merman since two weeks ago.  You sure this is gonna fly by with you’re folks?”

Merlot: “Dude, they probably won’t even notice!  Now that I’m a merman, I can be free from their opinion!  I feel like I’m me for the first time in forever!”

Syrah: “Coolio then, bra.  Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep oogling Maya’s chest from the window then until she gives up on trying to read.”

201Raven: “You know.  I’m really happy for everything you’ve helped me with, Wren.  The resort is so cool now, we have a cool pool, bar, boarding, everything’s clean, and we’ve attracted a lot of hotties.”

Wren: “It is nice out here now.  The sand is cleaner and the food is better.  I’m glad to be of service.”

Raven: “I hear your husband finally came back from his little island he found, and your son finally showed up.  He’s in the pool trying out his “sea legs” he said.  You should go pay them a visit.”

202Wren: “Hey son.  How’s the water today?”

Merlot: “It’s nice, mom! Just being a fish now, that’s all.”

Wren: “Sounds cool.  Later, son!”

Merlot: “Uh, ok.”

203Marlon: “Very slow day, today actually.  The only highlight I have today at the beach is that I realized other sims could move their boathouses too.  That one parked right there in the middle of the bay where all the heavy boat traffic goes through.  What a pack of assholes.”

204Wren: “Oh, welcome to the pack, new bartender!  How’s the new job holding up?!”

Greg: “I’d rather be wearing a Mickie D work uniform right now, ma’am.”

Wren: “It’ll grow on you, it’s a good look, and I’m so wasted right now to see nothing else but an actual pink rabbit serving me drinks!”

Greg: “Sigh…”

205Merlot: “This is so great!  I’m finally so happy with my life!  No longer will I be just simple Merlot!  I’m now Merlot the Marlin, the new king of the ocean!  Wow, actually that name sounded so much better in concept.”

206Merlot: “Hello, unresting soul.  I am here to put aside your suffering and help you pass onto the other side.”

Cara: “Wha-I’M NOT SUFFERING!  I drowned in a shower, not at sea, can’t I actually have some fun and do some activities without people thinking this is where I suffered my loss?!  Get the hell out of here, kid!”

207Syrah: “I have released my cousin into the wilds of the ocean and separated him from his family forever.  I have done my good deed for the week.  I deserve this relaxation.”

208Merlot: “I’d go and say goodbye to my family, but apparently all is lost now.  I guess Syrah forgot to turn off the stove again, so so much for returning there.  Goodbye family, may I see you along the shores of where ever you travel!”

209And so, Merlot headed for his new home in the sea, to find adventure, and new life amongst his people.  You know, until the curfew police manage to set a fishing hook in his ear or something and haul him back home.

210Meanwhile, the No Seasons finally topped out as the best resort in the whole town!

211While it cost them more money to run the place than to actually make from it, Raven and Marlon were happy with their new and improved business.

212To celebrate their new success as business moguls, they bought a new island, and treated Wren, Wulfric, and Chianti to a night on their new land.

213Raven: “Camping is a wonderful getaway idea.  Nothing but returning to nature, beautiful landscapes, and packing the hot tub to take with us was a great idea.”

Wren: “The sand here sticks together so much better than the resort sand!  I’m going to have so much fun on the new island, Raven!”

214Marlon: “Yeah, and with your sister turning in for the evening, I’m about to have so much fun in the hot tub with you, Raven!”

Raven: “Oh you dog!”

Wren: “I’m still RIGHT here, you guys.”

215Syrah: “Well if this isn’t just thriller.  Thanks mom, I really wanted to see you servicing dad’s “boogie board” in the hot tub.”

Marlon: “Ok, so maybe the hot tub humping isn’t such a good idea right now.”

216Syrah: “Gonna try to forget about that scene this afternoon, and cook this squid over the fire, which looks a lot like a salmon steak, but I’m not arguin’.”

Marlon: “Hey, Chianti, where’s your father?  He was supposed to meet us here hours ago for the celebration.”

Chianti: “He started ranting about obtaining the whole island nation.  Something that the science facility told him that they wanted him to collect scales from all the minnows in the world.  So I left him in the swan boat again and came on here.”

217Wulfric: “Why does Chi have to be so hard on me and my goals??  I can catch the minnows, and she’s just being difficult.  Sigh, I hate this boat.  And it’s stupid swan face.  Sigh… Great, now I can hear Germany’s national anthem being played from somewhere…”

219Wulfric: “Great, and now the boat is taking on water.  Could this day get any worse?”

Kraken: *Really loud Deutschlandlied*

218Wren: “That’s what you get for dragging our daughter along on your hair brained, dangerous ideas, Wulfric!  You know better than to anger a powerful witch and summoner such as your wife!  Ugh.  When will you ever learn…”

Kraken: *Please rise for your national anthem*

220Wulfric: “OH GOD, WHAT DO I DO?!  I’M NEVER GOING TO GET THE DEPOSIT BACK ON THAT BOAT!”

221Wulfric: “SYRAH?!  SYRAH IS THAT YOU?!  QUICK, THROW ME A ROPE QUICK, I NEED TO BE DRAGGED BACK TO SHORE, I NEED TO MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS!”

222Syrah: “Sorry Uncle Wolf, this board isn’t meant for two!  Later, bra!”

Wulfric: “SYRAH GET BACK HERE AND HELP YOUR UNCLE, I DON’T SWIM WELL!  SYRAH, COME ON NOW!”

223And so, Syrah flew away into the night sky, leaving his uncle to get his toes nibbled off.  Some say they were nibbled by the very minnows he was trying to catch, others say it was Mia Azul.  But in the end, they all had a good vacation in Isla Paradiso.

***

Let’s take some time to have some afterthoughts on Island Paradise.  Or skip to the end if you don’t want to read a block.  First off, it’s a really pretty EP.  The visuals are great and there is a good amount of cool new stuff in this game.  Resorts impressed me the most, and the town is beautiful to look at.  There’s always a new place to look at in this town, and I’ve barely scratched the surface touring it myself.  New activities are fun, and the boats work like a charm and go through water more fluidly than I expected.  I was afraid the land-to-sea transitions between sims, boats, and boathouses were going to be laggy and I am surprised that they work wonderfully well.

That being said, there are a lot more downsides to this EP than I wanted.  A lot of people tell me Isla Paradiso is laggy and bugged, and doesn’t last as long as other towns.  That’s troubling to hear, since so many things, like the Kraken and the scuba diving, seem to be virtually exclusive to this town.  I didn’t have any problems out of the usual when I played, but I only played here for a short time personally.  I hear that the problem can come from the Scott’s family’s boathouse not being docked correctly at the start of the game, so it’s recommended to deal with that problem upon the game’s start, but I haven’t tested that out myself so if you want to send a legacy family here, be precautious.

The town’s mermaids were a disappointment.  Maya, Triton, Mia, and Salty should consider themselves embarrassed to even say they were mermaids.  Apparently it was some sort of recent patch that messed them up?  Get on your shit, EA.  I tried to fix them myself (apparently I could do so through a loophole in testingcheats (?)) but every attempt to tamper with them crashed my game out.  They didn’t really have a time to shine as their own sims, and that’s upsetting.

Underwater worlds are wonderful.  I love everything about scuba diving, except it seems to take really long to build skill in it, and exploring caves for the first time reset everyone in the water onto the shore.  Every cave does it the first time I do so.  As I have said before, I hate having to “pop the cave’s cherry” just to use it without resetting.

I’m torn on the lifeguarding career.  I didn’t get far enough in it to notice anything changing, and as strange and morbid as it sounds, I wish more sims would come and drown while Marlon was on duty.  Some days no one showed up to be saved at all, and sometimes assholes would show up, get stuck in this “will I, won’t I” scenario, just to leave, and with the weird schedule, it could be days before Marlon would save anyone.

In conclusion, this is a great EP, but not the best, and not my favorite.  With its problems, it seems like it would give even the best gaming computers some hard time.  The content it comes with makes it worth it, if you are willing to put up with the bugs, and risk long term investment in staying in Isla Paradiso, at least until someone at EA bothers to solve the problems.

224So I guess this is it.  I’ll go back to the Pokemon and ISBI legacies for now, and it looks like you can go back to watching the resort, Darin Dick.

Darin Dick: “Wonderful!  Does this mean that I can now have my old uniform back?”

Of course not, why ruin a good thing?

 

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 4 Comments

Island Paradise 3: Islands and Lifeguards

118Yvette I think: “Help!  I don’t even know how to swim!  How horribly ironic, since I live on a small island-centered nation!”

Marlon: “Alright Miss!  Just give me a ten minute period to take my shirt off, and then a half hour to come get you!  You’re safe in my hands!”

119Guillermo: “Help!  Why does none of us know how to swim?!”

Marlon: “Their ignorance is really exhausting.”

120Marlon: “Move to Kansas.  You will be safe there, ma’am.”

Yvette: “You are my hero :3”

121Guillermo: “Wait, you’re gonna come help me too, right?!  Right?!”

There’s a “first come, first drown” basis, Guillermo.

122Yvette: “I am forever in your dept.”

Marlon: “Don’t you mean, debt?”

Yvette: “No, I want to to go shopping, there’s a sale at the Sears Department.”

Guillermo: *A loud instrumental of My Heart Will Go on*

123Yvette: “Now that I have been saved from drowning, my superpowers finally kicked in!  Behold, I can walk on water.  Turns out I didn’t need you after all.”

Marlon: “Alright, now that that’s done, what was I going to do now?  Did I need to go to the store before I went home?”

Guillermo: *♪ EVERY NIGHT IN MY DREAMS ♪*

124Marlon: “It’s cool bro, I have a spare floatie.  I’m a well prepared lifeguard.”

Guillermo: “You came back for me, Jack!”

Marlon: “It’s Marlon, but it’s ok, I’ll ignore that.”

125Syrah and Merlot had to go to school for once, since they were failing, and there’s no way they could return home with F’s.  It gave me an opportunity to check out some of the townies this town has to offer.

126Other than the little girl with the violent skin condition, they were alright.  There were also just 5 of them to show up, so whatever.

127Triton: “Oh no, its that kid again.  Can’t we merfolk just get a break from those eccentric mermaid hunters?”

Can you BE any LESS of a mermaid, Triton?!

Triton: “One of these days, I WILL earn my tail and be a pure merman.  I just have to murder enough selkies when I enroll into the army and fight in the Great 1000 Year Selkie-Merfolk Territory War.”

128Triton: “♪ Come with me,  and you’ll be, in a world of pure imagination 

Syrah: “Maybe I shouldn’t follow the creepy busted merman singing Willy Wonka.”

You think??

129Wulfric: “See any sharks, Chi?  I’m kinda hoping to fight a dogshark or a nurse shark, something easy, you know.”

Chianti: “I would rather you NOT even fight a shark, dad.  Much less let your young daughter help you find one to fight with.”

Wulfric: “Sigh, now there you go, sounding like your mother.  Where’s your sense of adventure, Chi?”

130Syrah: “Now that’s what I’m talking about!  Nothing like some deep sea booty!”

Triton: “Thanks”

Syrah: “NOT YOURS”

131Syrah: “What?!  I can’t see a thing!  There’s nothin’ but bubbles in here?  Aw, what a waste.”

And so Syrah didn’t think anything was in the chest and went to find Merlot.

132Syrah: “DUDE.  Don’t move.  And close your eyes, it can’t see you if you can’t see it!”

Merlot: “Too late!  It saw me!  It tried to force a loan onto me!  I don’t know what to do, Syrah, help!”

133Syrah: “Quick!  There’s an underwater cavern over here, we can bum out in it until the shark goes away!”

I’m sure that cave isn’t much safer, though.

Kraken: “Hallo, meine freunde!  Schönen tag, lolololol!”

134Wulfric: “I shouldn’t have accused Chi of not working hard enough to find a shark.  She ran off and left me out here!  She also took the good boat, and people are driving by and laughing at me…”

136Meanwhile, Merlot and Syrah seem to have no trouble finding the sharks themselves.

Octopus: “One day I’m going to be a great magician, since I’ve already mastered the ability to levitate myself.”

Shark: “I’ll go to every one of your shows to support you, buddy!”

137Shark: “Howdy!  Might I interest you in $5000, with no down payment, and a fixed %8.3 interest for 3 years?!”

Merlot: “SYRAH, IT’S BACK, IT’S FOUND ME”

138Syrah: *Fart propels himself away from the danger*

Merlot: “KING TRITON PLEASE COME SAVE ME”

139Shark: “FINE THEN.  I’ll find someone that actually does need my money.  Later, loser.”

Merlot: “NOPE, THIS ISN’T WORTH THE HUNT FOR MERMAIDS.”

140The shark attack was so brutal, that Merlot reset himself back to the house, and didn’t bother going back for Syrah.

Wren: “What do you MEAN you were attacked by a shark, Merlot?!  Do you KNOW how much magic is costs me to keep reviving you whenever you do stupid things and get killed?!”

Merlot: “You don’t have to remind me every time that happens, mom…”

141Chianti: “Dad, it’s just a rock in the middle of the ocean.  Is it really worth probably losing an arm or a leg to a shark?”

Wulfric: “Of course!  And besides, there’s one right there!  This will be a piece of cake!”

142

Wulfric: “Alright, remember, dangle the raw chicken on the hook right until the shark gets up next to me, then yank it out of the water, and in the shark’s confusion, I punch it in the face, and we all go back to the science facility, happy as can be!”

Chianti: “I’m not fishing with a chicken, dad.”

Wulfric: “Fine, just stay in the boat until I get back.”

143Mia: “Well hello, handsome.  Care to join me in a little underwater rendezvous?”

Wulfric: “Sorry, my wife has forbidden me from interacting with vampires.”

Mia: “WHAT, but I’m not-”

144Shark: “Friend!  I am here!  Let’s go over the options I have with my fixed and cheap rates?”

Wulfric: “Get your hands off my junk, Mia!  Shark!  SHARK!  I must go punch it!”

145Wulfric: “Where’d he go?!  Dammit, and I was so close!  Curses, why do they have to dissolve into nothingness whenever I look at them?!”

146Wulfric: “There’s no way I’m ever going to fight a shark, I just can’t get close enough to one!”

Just reach over and smack the black thing swimming past you, you blind bat.

Wulfric: “Where did Chi go with the boat?”

147Chianti gave up waiting on her dad from doing stupid stuff, so she went to hang out with her mother at the resort.

Chianti: “This is so much fun mom!  Thanks for the slide!”

Wren: “Anything to keep you happy and busy while your mother sneaks drinks from behind the bar.”

148Raven: “It looks like I’m not allowed in this room after all.”

It’s YOUR resort, Raven!

149Darin Dick: “Yeah but I’m in here.  I live here.  It’s the only place I can hide from all the embarrassment.”

If you’re here, then who’s running the lobby, Darin Dick?!

150Shark: *Cartwheels in to view*

Wulfric: “THERE YOU ARE, YOU SLIPPERY DEVIL.  Prepare for the Wulfric Whooping!”

151Wulfric: “Oops, I was going to whoop you, not ride you, this is weird.”

Shark: “You’re telling me…”

152Wulfric: “Never would I think I would be petting a shark.  You are so sweet, so docile… why do they call you such brutal killers?  All the monsters of the world that kill you for your fins and prejudices are horrid, and must be stopped! Save the Sharks 2014.

Wait, I still have to fight you for the island though.  HOLD STILL!”

153Wulfric: “Hyah!  Yah!  Take this and that!”

Shark: “WHOA BRUH, I’M OUTTIE”

154Shark: “LEONARD!  Did you see THAT?!  That freakshow human just started swinging at me for nothing!  He’s just flipping out, beating up the water!”

Leonard: “Damn man!  I’m sorry you keep attracting weirdos like that.”

155Shark: “Look at him.  Is that some sort of weird violent mating ritual, because I’m not interested!”

Leonard: “I don’t know, but you shouldn’t twist yourself around so hard just to look at that idiot.  You have enough chiropractor bills as it is.”

156Leonard: “I think I know what he’s doing!  It’s that damn science facility that pays people in islands to fight sharks.  Monsters.  Jackson had to fight a person for that reason the other week, now that I think about it.”

Shark: “Wow, what kind of science requires that?”

157Shark: “Hey, bro!  Stop that!”

Wulfric: “Huh??”

Leonard: “Look, I’ll send a note to the science facility that says that you managed to beat my pal up after all.  In return, don’t come back down here embarrassing yourself like that.”

Wulfric: “Um… thank you I suppose…”

158Marlon: “Wulfric!  There you are!  Chianti told me you were off fighting sharks so I came after you to get you!  Do you know how dangerous that is?!”

Wulfric: “It’s ok, because I’m safe, brother!”

159Wulfric: “I cut this deal with a swordfish, I got a message to the science facility and I’m going to get my very own island after all this!”

Marlon: “Have you been taking any drugs the locals gave you, bro?”

160Wulfric: “There you are, Chi!  Thanks for staying behind and helping your old dad.  That really meant a lot!”

Chianti: “I didn’t want to rock around in an old boat while my dad made chum out of himself!  I hung out with mom instead.  She taught me how to use magic to help turn this resort around!  Check it out!  I just upgraded this bungalow to the highest it can go!  This resort’s going to be booming soon!”

Marlon: “SWEET!  Is there anyway you could have added a washing machine to this place too?  I bet that would be useful as well.”

161Wulfric: “You see that I did manage to beat a shark, and you didn’t believe that I could do it, Chi!  You should never doubt your old man like that!”

162Chianti: “Well EXCUSE me for being scared that my dad would get himself killed like an idiot!”

Wulfric: “Oh, Chi.  I know, sweetie.  But believe in your old man, I can do anything because I’m dad, remember?”

Chianti: “You can do anything because mom’s a necromancer, remember?”

163Wulfric: “Tell you what, when we get the map from city hall, we’ll go get that island, together, and we’ll split it down the middle, half for you, and half for daddy!  I love you, sweetie.”

Chianti: “Yeah. Ok.  I love you too, dad.”

164Marlon: “That kind of boat parking is infringing at least 14 code violations.”

I believe the type of parking someone does can tell a lot about that person.  In this case, it’s a whole family.

165Christopher: “Your mother just walked back into the ocean and started drowning.”

Omar: “Haha, too bad she doesn’t know how to walk on water like you do, dad!”

Christopher: “That’s true, and teaching you is starting to look a little impossible.”

166Marlon: “But I just got here.  And they just gave me a new survey chair on my new beach!”

That really shouldn’t be your first concern to someone drowning, Marlon.

167Christopher: “You guys keep an eye on your mother, and tell me when she goes under, I’m going to catch some sun while we’re out here.”

Rosemarie: *Wants to come up with a smartass remark about divorce papers, but is choking on salt water*

Marlon: “It’s alright, I’m on my way, lady.”

168Rosemarie: “Thank you so much, beautiful handsome stranger!  I owe you my life, and I owe you my soul” *holds onto Marlon’s hand*

Marlon: “I appreciate it, lady.  But we are both married to other people.”

169Rosemarie: “Alright, now that we are back, come resuscitate me.  And feel free to get handsy with me if you want.  Right here in front of my husband, oh yeah, this’ll get him good and upset, like he deserves.”

170 Christopher: “Actually this is gonna be hot, I’m actually gonna roll over and watch this, oh yeah baby, some beach entertainment.”

Rosemarie: “Sigh…”

Marlon: “Maybe it’s not too late for me to go to school and get a degree in art history like I wanted.”

171Wulfric: “Alright, Chi!  Wake up, we are here!  We’ve found our own little island and I have named it the Chifric Island One!”

Chianti: “This… this is the island?  It’s nice and all, but is this it, dad?”

172Chianti: “There’s no treasure, there’s nothing fancy, and there’s just this one little hut!  And it’s all splintery and smells like cat pee!  Was this really worth fighting a shark over, dad?!”

173Wulfric: “Oh yes it was, Chi!  Because now I get to go fishing in an untouched land!  The fish here are going to be amazing!”

Chianti: “How untouched is a place with a house on it, dad?”

174Wulfric: “Look!  It’s a tragic clownfish!  Nature’s dumbest clown.”

Chianti: “DAD YOU COULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT IN THE TOWN STREAM.”

Wulfric: “Yes, but look at it’s coloring, Chi!  It’s slightly more orange than the in-town clownfish.  You really should have a better eye for treasure fish like this!”

175Wulfric: “Hey, is that the boat house that Syrah and your brother took off in?  What’s it doing way out here?”

Chianti: “OBVIOUSLY they made it all the way out here, dad, without FIGHTING A SHARK!”

176Wulfric: “I can’t believe she did it again!  You’d think she’d take the cute little swan boat instead of the sailboat…”

Next time: More broken mermaid related things!  More islands!  More Darin Dick!  Actually less Darin Dick.

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 1 Comment

Island Paradise 2: Sharks and Vampires

A couple of days into their stay on Isla Paradiso, Wren and her family were settling in nicely.  Wren tended to chase off all of Raven’s customers at the No Seasons resort, while Merlot and Syrah were trying to get along out on the boat house.  Wulfric was determined to get some fishing in, much to the dislike of his daughter Chianti, who was stuck babysitting him in the meanwhile.
55Chianti: “So I left him on the beach and went to teach myself to surf.  I know I’m already 100 times better than my slacker idiot brother.”

This is true, as Merlot won’t stay on a windsurf board to save his life.

56Marlon, Raven’s lifeguard hubbie, tends to spend his time on empty beaches, awaiting anyone who wanders into the water after eating a hoagie five minutes earlier.

Christopher: “CJ PARKER PLEASE SAVE ME”

Marlon: “Just stand up, sir!  The water is only knee deep in this bay!  Sir, just… oh just wait then, I’m coming in.”

57Christopher: “You’re not Pamela Anderson.”

Marlon: “Don’t you have a wife and two children?!”

58Christopher: “You saved me from drowning in the kiddie pool and I walked onto this beach by myself, but I think I sucked in too much water with my lungs and you have to suck the water out with your mouth, k thx”

Marlon: “This isn’t what Lifeguard School prepared me for…”

59Raven: “Wren, what do you think of our resort right now?  What do you think we can do to make it a little better?”

Wren: “Clean up a bit.  Add some cool shit.  These sand burrs are about to kill me.”

Raven: “Do you think you and your magic can help me out around here a little bit?”

Wren: “Mmmm.  Fine.”

60Wren: “There.  I summoned a swimming pool.  Now you have to support your end of the deal and take care of it and hire new workers to do so.”

Raven: “This is really nice, I do thank you for it.  But let’s see… what else can we do to make this place more appealing?”

61Raven: “I’ve been thinking Darin Dick.  Your uniform is cool and all around here, but I’m making wardrobe changes.”

Darin Dick: “What kind of changes ma’am?  Oh, and I prefer to just be called Darin.  You really don’t have to say my whole name…”

62Darin Dick: “Ma’am?!  This isn’t what I was hired for!”

Raven: “Nonsense, you were hired to bring in customers, and this is going to drive them in in droves!  People love rabbits, Darin Dick!  Aw, don’t pout at me like that, everyone working here has to wear this too!”

63Martin: “Did you know I went to an Ivy league school?  Sigh, I was going to be a physics engineer.”

Wren: “Well, you certainly broke the physics, that’s for sure.”

64Raven: “-And when she gets out to check, man door hand hook car door.”

Darin Dick: “I think I should really be back inside working, Mrs. Sw0rd.”

Raven: “You came out here on your own, really who’s fault is that, Darin Dick.”

65Meanwhile, Merlot, who had decided to go snorkeling all day instead of hanging with his cousin, realized that it was getting late, and he was getting cold.  So he put his regular clothes back on, and apparently continued to do the snorkel.

Merlot: “Glub”

66Syrah: “Bra, there you are!  Come on, it’s gettin’ late and we need to seek shelter back at the boathouse.  The fuzz is gonna start skimmin the ocean for kids breaking curfew, and they use harpoons…”

Merlot: “Sigh, I suppose I have to…”

Syrah: “Yeah you have to!  Have you ever been hit by one of them things?!  Come here, look at my leg, I’ll show you a scar…”

67Merlot: “Syrah, I do have to thank you for taking me out here today.  Well, not for the windsurfing thing.  That’s pretty silly considering there’s no waves out here, or wind…”

Syrah: “What are physics”

Merlot: “But I did enjoy the snorkeling.  There’s just something about the ocean that I really like.  Is there any way you can take me scuba diving tomorrow?”

68Syrah: “I don’t, uh, really like scuba divin’, bra.  I like the wind in my hair, the feel of the waves under my feet, not fish shit in my mouth, yanno…”

69Merlot: “Aw come on.  I think it’ll be nice.  Aren’t you supposed to show me around and help me do things here in these islands?  I’d like to see the coral reefs, check out underwater caves, and meet a mermaid!”

70Syrah: *Vomits*

Merlot: “OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE!  My dream isn’t THAT disturbing!”

71Merlot’s father had a hard time touring through the town.  Given any time when no one would watch his every move, he’d pull his fishing rod out of his butt and go to town.

Wulfric: “Wow, Masao really did have tadpoles.  This is the largest damn frog I’ve ever hooked in the eye…”

Frog: “Hello my baby hello my honey hello my ragtime gal”

72Wren preferred the resort after all she ended up doing for it, and didn’t bother staying the nights at her sister’s house.

Wren: “I did a damn good job on this swimming pool, why would I go to that straw hut my sister calls a house!”

Raven: “…I’m sitting right here you know.”

73Merlot: “-Remember, to breath in through your mouth and keep your neck up, or you’ll get water in your snorkel.  I realized that after about 25 minutes of drowning through mine.”

Syrah: “Yeah, and I look like a dork doing this.  If one more person stops by in a boat because I look like an oversized drowning butterfly, I’m gonna knock you in the head.”

So Merlot convinced Syrah to take him out on a scuba tour the following morning.

74Raven: “You know, we’ve had these rooms forever, but I’ve never bothered to see what’s inside of them.  Let’s see what my customers get to deal with!”

75Raven: “Nice.  A piece of paper for a pillow, and a false door painted on the back wall.  I see nothing wrong with this at all!”

No wonder there are no guests.

76Marlon: “Well, I think there’s something in this room that could make it a little more spicy… me and you, Rave ;)”

Wren: “What, NO.  My sister is in the next room overDON’T COME INTO MY ROOM WITH THAT… “THING” OUT, OMG RAVEN”

77And with that, Raven and Marlon had even less customers than they did before… something like negative 3.

78Wulfric: “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE THIS THING, THIS IS TORTURE, I CAN’T FEEL MY SOLES”

Marlon: “Oh just get out of my way!  Let me show you how a pro does it, Wulfric!”

79Marlon: “See?  Completely pro.”

Wulfric: “Dumbass, you turned the thing off.”

80Syrah: “And we call this the Floatin’ Rock, because the water’s so glassy that it looks like you can steer your ride right under the mountain!  Haha!  Don’t actually do it though, this is dad’s boat.”

81Merlot: “Oops”

Syrah: “DUDE, I TOLD YOU DON’T TRY TO DRIVE UNDER THE MOUNTAIN, HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO PLOW THREE FEET INTO THE SAND?!”

82Merlot: “Excuse me, lady!  My cousin’s taking me to a diving spot he knows, and I just want to get there as quick as possible.”

Woman: “You estúpido, boy”

83*Plows right through the foundation*

Merlot: “IT’S AN EMERGENCY”

Woman: “HEY LOCO, MI CASA AIN’T THE WALKING TRAIL”

84Syrah: “Yo bra, all you had to do was follow me up on the sidewalk”

Merlot: “JUST GET ME A CHISEL AND HAMMER BEFORE THIS WOMAN CALLS THE COPS”

85Syrah: “Before we do this, why do you even want to meet a mermaid, Mer?  They’re just smelly fish people that totally give surfer’s hard raps ‘n stuff.”

Merlot: “Because… I think it would be cool to learn more about them, maybe even become one, you see.  My mother’s a witch, and my little sister’s a budding witch, and being the normal one in the family kinda sucks.  Not counting dad.  Anyway, you wouldn’t know since you’re a fairy and all…”

Syrah: “I’m gonna run out of air and drown here while you’re dronin’ dude.  Just get your gear on and let’s go.”

86Syrah: “Now don’t get too far away from me, bra.  It’s easy to get sucked up in some wack current, and I’m not chasin’ after your fish chasin’ ass.”

Merlot: “Woowwww…..”

87Merlot: “This is AMAZING, Syrah!  Look at all of this!”

Syrah: “Yeah, it’s pretty pretty down here I suppose.”

88Merlot: “It’s so colorful!  I could get used to this, Syrah!  All the life down here is so exhilarating!”

89Merlot: “Look!  Upside down, backwards swimming fish!”

Syrah: “Yeah I wouldn’t touch them if I were you-”

90Merlot: “And, aw, a shark eating sand, how cute.”

Syrah: “Yeah, uh, DEFINITELY don’t touch that.”

91Merlot: “What?  What happened?  Why did you make us go back up?!”

Syrah: “You HAD to go near the dirt eating shark, didn’t you?!  You don’t go near a shark, bra!  Now come on, it’s late, let’s go back to the boat that you BEACHED, and go home for the day.”

Merlot: “AWWW.  Fine.”

92Merlot: “Come on, I think the boat was on this island in this direction.”

Syrah: “Yeah it is… wait, DON’T”

93Syrah and Merlot called it a night, however, on the other side of town, Wulfric snapped his line on a parking meter while fishing in town.  He got a fine.  Upset, he went to a large in-town resort just because they had a sushi bar.

Chianti: “There you are, dad.  I saw the van parked outside, and mom’s mad because you’re here and not at the No Seasons.”

Wulfric: “Oh yeah, I forgot your mother could read minds.  Well, maybe if my brother’s resort had a sushi bar, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

94Chianti: “You’ll have to take it up with mom.  Can I get a bite to eat while I’m here though?”

Wulfric: “Sorry, I don’t think so.  I don’t think it matters that you’re my kid or not, you aren’t signed into the hotel so they won’t let you.  And you can’t sign in yourself, because you’re just a kid so…”

Chianti: “So… you can’t sign me in yourself dad?  WOW cool thanks, I’m sure mom’s gonna love to hear that.”

95Chianti: “It’s ok, I used to be able to spawn apples, back during testing, when I was actually older, and actually a boy when we were home in Starlight.  So good news, I won’t starve to death.”

Wulfric: “Wow, a heated pool and everything!  A shame, all these joys the resort won’t let you experience, Chi.”

96Wulfric: “You have to do this for me, please lady!  She’s my daughter, I mean, is there anything I can do?”

Lobbyist: “It’s out of our hands, sir, she didn’t come in with you so no she can’t do anything.  Here, to make up for any confusion we’ve given you, have some brochures about hidden islands that we keep up here for stupid tourists, I MEAN, adventure seekers.”

Chianti: “They won’t even let me touch their food bar.  I just wanted a veggie roll, you know, is that too hard to ask.”

Wulfric: “Chianti!  New plan, we are going island hunting!  Let’s go!”

Chianti: “Wait, what?”

97Wulfric: “Let’s go!  We are going to find our own island, where we can do whatever we want on it!  We don’t need this resort, when we have our own resources now!”

Chianti: “It would be a lot easier if you remember that we have our own resort, dad.  Dad??”

98Chianti: “WOW, he drove off and left me, what a father.”

99Wulfric: “Please, Wise Woman of the Hill.  Tell me all you know about the mysterious Island in the Mist.”

Margarita: “How did you get into my house?!  It’s four in the morning, I’ve called the cops and they are already here!”

100Meanwhile, at the resort:

Marlon: “Should you really be playing in sand outside of the 3-in-1 bathroom?!  That’s nasty, Wren!  It’s leaking for shit’s sake.”

101Raven: “The resort is going swimmingly, I feel we are going to get a customer any day now.  But what can we do to really make this place stand out from the hunky junk resorts in town…”

102And so Wren did some touch ups and landscaping on the parameter.  The No Seasons got it’s very own balanced rock tower, a behemoth of 7-ton boulders stacked precariously four stories high!  Surely that’s safe.

103Raven: “I thank you, Wren, for helping me spoof up the place!  I knew inviting you this year was going to save the family resort!  Now you can go home now :D”

Wren: “What??”

104Darin Dick: “This really isn’t in my job description.  I really should have taken that offer up with La Coasta Verde.  I hear they only have to wear a shirt and shorts for their job…”

Wren: “Just stop your belly aching and start working on the west wall.  We’re building a fort unlike anyone has ever seen!”

105Darin Dick: “Heeey, what do you know!?  This is actually really fun!”

This is the face of a man who has temporarily forgot suffering.

106But the fruits of their efforts payed off, and soon, they got a few customers to stay at the No Seasons!

107Wren: “Maybe I should have taken off my stockings before running across this thing! Fire is creeping up my legs!”

108Wulfric: “Alright, I’ve done everything Margarita told me to do, and the science building kinda made fun of me.  They told me to go walk on some hot coals.”

Chianti: “Well I guess that means they’re telling you to get lost, dad.  Come on, we can just take you fishing at a mountain stream or somethi-”

Wulfric: “No, it means that I have to go walk on hot coals!  It’s to prove that I am tough enough to find the mystery island!  That’s the only thing it could possibly mean!”

109Chianti: “Dad, you seriously aren’t going to hurt yourself for an island map, are you?!”

Wulfric: “I’m not going to hurt myself, Chi!  There’s a science to this and it’s going to keep me perfectly safe.”

110Wulfric: “See?  Not a challenge at all anymore since I did this yesterday morning!”

Chianti: “Yeah, you really learned from Uncle Marlon.  Learned how to turn the coals down, that is.”

111Wulfric: “Yep, I survived the coals and I’m back!  So do I get that map now? … What’s that?  You want me to fight a shark now?  Well… I suppose if I have no choice then I have no choice.”

Chianti: “DAD”

112Merlot: “Do you see any mermaids yet, Syrah?”

Syrah: “Shark!  SHARK!”

Merlot: “That Racket guy?  He’s a mermaid now?”

113Syrah: *Makes magical fairy pee all over himself* “Actually it’s just regular pee, I just hope the shark doesn’t smell the fear in it…”

Merlot: “Hey, a cave!  I bet there are tons of mermaids hanging out here!”

114*POP*

Merlot: “WHAT?!  WHAT HAPPENED?!  Why did we reset on the beach?!”

Valerie: “The question is why did everyone reset on the beach?  Even this mermaid got booted from the water.”

115Syrah: “Wait!  This dude’s a mermaid?!  Where’s his fins?!  He don’t have any scales!”

Merlot: “Obviously you need to be educated, ma’am.  That’s a vampire if I’ve ever saw one.”

Triton: “Nope, I’m the king of the sea, King Triton King, at your service!  I’m the leader of this town’s band of mermaids!! *Skinny little skin-legs being all… people legs FUCKING A*

116Merlot: “You make one stupid looking fish man, but the pleasure is all mine, Mr. King!”

Triton: “Thank… you.”

Syrah: “Haha, he’s the dumbest looking mermaid I’ve ever seen!”

Valerie: “That’s very unkind, young man.”

117Syrah: “And he’s so little!  What do you see in this poser anyway, baby?!”

Triton: “Hey!  The water is just cold!  Tell him, Valerie!”

Valerie: “I’m not getting into this.”

NEXT TIME: Will Triton return to the sea as the majestic man-fish or is he just some vampire poser in swim trucks?  Are all my mermaids like this?  Will Wulfric have to go through fighting a shark or will he realize that the science facility is just making excuses to get rid of him?  Find out next time on TOTAL DRAMA ISLAN-on wait.

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 3 Comments

Island Paradise: Surf and Sailing

Hello once again everyone!!

I know I haven’t updated lately, but you know what I haven’t done even longer than that?  I haven’t gotten a new EP in a while, in over a year actually!  I have been thinking about getting one for a while, and I finally think I have settled on a good one: I’m going to try Island Paradise!

I know it’s not the newest, and you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, “Sabrina, that EP is so 2013, everyone has it and Into the Future is where it’s at right now!”  And to that I say, “Well… yeah but… mermaids.”

So without further ado, we turn it over to our test family before we turn it over to our legacy families, as we journey through Isla Paradiso.

1Everything here is so beautiful and clean looking, unaware of the filthy data I’m about to shove through it.  So exotic you can almost smell the warm sunshine and feel the salt on your face.

After our last EP test, Wren and Raven adapted to lives as a fairy and a witch.  They grew up and eventually met and married their husbands, Marlon and Wulfric, brothers born to Liam O’Dourke and Cycl0n3 Sw0rd.  Raven and Marlon moved to Isla Paradiso soon after marriage, and adapted to island life.  Wren and Wulfric stayed in Starlight Shores, and had two children, a young witch daughter and a normal son.  Eider, the girls’ younger cousin, would go on and start a multi-billion dollar industry in anti-zombie warfare and government exploitation, and would later become the first werewolf on a space station in deep space.

Every year for the summer, Wren and Wulfric take the family to Eider’s mass estate for holiday, but this year is different…

2A rented van putters through one of the islands of Isla Paradiso.  They don’t know which island it is, or if it’s even the right one.  A group of stupid teenagers stole all their baggage at the airport, including the map and cellphones.  They have been driving in circles for hours and are starting to get a little scared that they are in Farcry 3 instead of the calm and placid sims EP they are supposed to be in.

3Merlot: “Why again can’t we go see Uncle Eider this year?”

Wulfric: “For the eighth time, son.  Eider has got to stay in deep space this year to deal with the oncoming Reaper threat.  We are going to spend sometime with Uncle Marlon, Aunt Raven, and Syrah.  You guys haven’t been here in five years, and it would be nice to actually have a traditional summer vacation on earth.”

Chianti: “I don’t exactly recall this place, father.  Why on earth would we go to some remote “pirate sanctuary” for a vacation anyway?”

Wulfric: “That’s something you’ll have to ask your mother.”

4Wren: “It’s nothing like the Pirates of the Caribbean that you saw on the flight here, my little witchling.  It’s a good resort archipelago that does good, and mostly legal, business with mainland tourists.  Trust me, it’s not some pirate sanctuary, unlike that cheap hunk of rock, Barnacle Bay.”

Chianti: “I still don’t think this is going to be a good holiday.  Too many trees around, harboring wild beasts and guerrilla fighters, and all this humidity is making me stick to my seat!”

Wren: “No sweetie, I can promise, that’s just this cheap rental van.  I’ve kinda been sinking through this fake leather since I sat in this thing.”

5Wulfric: “Welp!  We’re here!  I see there place hasn’t changed a bit since we were last here.  Go figure my lazy brother wouldn’t fix this place up proper.”

Wren: “Not everyone can afford to live in a spacecraft or a hover manor, dear!  Please behave with your brother this month, ok?”

6Merlot: “I would also like to thank you two for picking out the best rental van your money could buy, mom!  After my PSVita fell through the hole that is the missing floorboard, I at least had the busted exhaust fumes to dope me up for entertainment!  Fantastic trip already!”

Wren: “It was the last four door vehicle they had on lot, son.  And if you keep being a smartass with me this summer, I am not turned off from the idea of putting a sleeping curse on my own son for the rest of the month.”

7Raven: “Wreeeeen!  There you are, we’ve been expecting you for hours!  We also expected you to come up from the other way, since it’s only ten minutes from the airport from the far end of the street here.”

Wren: “I, eh, we went on a scenery trip first.  Hadn’t been here for a while, just looked around.  Don’t worry about it anymore, we’re here now, Raven!  How have you been, sister?”

8Raven: “How have you been doin’ mah sister from another mister!”

Wren: “Ah yes, but we were from the same mister, Raven.  Our father was the same, as is our mother, we are all children of our Earth, and our father is the embrace of the Universe.”

Raven: “Why do you always have to get technical and weird with me, Wren?”

9Wren: “You remember my daughter, Chianti, right Raven?  I know you haven’t seen her since she was a baby, but she’s also a witch, and she’s very smart.”

Chianti: “Hello, Aunt Raven, sister from another Father of Time and Mother of our Gaia, first rule of Fight Club is that we do not mention Fight Club to other people.”

Raven: “Um.”

Wren: “I told you not to try to shaka bra to Aunt Rave-oh forget it.  Just go upstairs and unpack your suitcase.”

10Marlon: “I’m glad to see you made it okay, bro.  I’m also glad to see you made it here alright too, Merlot!  You remember your ole’ Uncle Marlon right?”

Merlot: “Yeah, Uncle Marlon I remember you, blablablabla, now that I’ve said hey, can I go get my Xbox out of the car, dad?”

Wulfric: “I told you I didn’t even want you to pack that thing!  Just, no, Merlot.  You are here to spend time with your family, and you aren’t leaving me here alone with your Uncle Marlon.”

Marlon: “Don’t worry, Merlot.  I’m sure Syrah is around here somewhere, and you two can hang out.  He’s been looking forward to your visit all week.”

11Marlot: “Oh please don’t let Syrah actually be here today…”

Wulfric: “Ignore him, I’m going to have a talk with him later about being a rude little prick anyway.  Let’s talk about what’s really important here today, brother.  Your island is still a top-of-the-notch fishing destination, correct?”

Marlot: “Well, we did have a massive oil spill two years ago that destroyed a majority of our coral reefs, but we’ve managed to hold on to about 10% of our species and their population.”

Wulfric: “Magnificent!  I’ll get my fishing rods out of the van!”

12Raven: “Since you were last here, we’ve managed to purchase our own boat house as our secondary home!  We recently got the engine fixed through, so sometime later, we’d love to take you out for a ride on it.”

Chianti: “You really don’t expect me to roll down this cliff to get to that thing, do you?”

Raven: “Oh no, you don’t have to worry about that.  The boys are going to go down and check it out.  I’m taking you to our little resort me and your Uncle Marlon run in the meanwhile!”

13Wulfric: “You really should put a railing and some stairs down to this place, Marlon.  I don’t like falling off ledges like that.”

Marlon: “Ah, some dirt in your mouth builds character, bro.  Anyway, this is our boat house, we spend more time in the main house, but you guys are welcome to stay here during your visit.  Look around, make yourselves at home, I have to go to work now though.  People around going to save themselves from drowning around here, haha!”

14Marlot: “Why is it so loud in here?!  Wait… oh no.”

15Syrah: “Merlot!  How’s it hangin’, bra?!”

Merlot: “Ugh.  Hey Syrah.”

Syrah: “I’m so stoked you’re here, man!  This is gonna be one bitchin’ summer already, I can feel it!”

16Meanwhile across town, the girls arrived at Raven’s and Marlon’s resort that they purchased with the insurance money Raven got when her mother was killed in a freak pizza delivery accident.  They called it the No Seasons, because Four Seasons was already taken, but mostly because of the absence of a certain weather related EP.

Raven: “Hey Darin!  How’s business been going today?”

Darin: “Well we almost got a customer!  Someone actually walked by the resort, and I tried to entice him in by running out and crying, holding onto his leg and screaming ‘please don’t go, we need business!’  I think it went well, he only kicked me in the face once and didn’t run away as fast as the last guy!”

Raven: “That’s fantastic!  We are going to get this place off the ground in no time with that kind of upbeat optimism!”

Wren: “How do you even pay anyone?!”

17Wren: “Well, you do have a lovely spot on the island!  The water is nice and warm, and with a little better upkeep, you can have this place bustling in no ti-”

Raven: “WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A DING DANGLY MINUTE!  What was our desk clerk’s name again, I just fracking noticed it!”

Wren: “What”

18Darin Dick: “Yes, everyone has to point out my name tag.  Now that I think about it, maybe that’s what’s driving everyone away.  I wouldn’t want to take a hotel room from someone named Darin Dick.”

You poor man.

19Raven: “I see you still haven’t discovered the usefulness of a razor, sister.”

Wren: “There’s nothing wrong with embracing the naturalness of the body you were given.  Embrace it, and thank the mother earth everyday for this natural coat of winter protection.”

Raven: “It’s the middle of fracking July, Wren.”

20Wulfric: “Alright, young man.  I have to lay some ground rules down.  We are on vacation, so no electronics, no video games, no computers.  You have to spend time with your family, and spend some time with Syrah.”

Merlot: “This is bull hockey.  I didn’t even sign up for this junk.”

21Syrah: “Don’t freak, Uncle Wolf.  Me ‘n Merlot’s gonna have a banging good time!  I’m gonna show him around the island, introduce him to some of my beach bunny buddies, and he’s gonna have a bossin’ good time!”

Wulfric: “See, Syrah’s gonna be with you.  You are going to be fine with him.  Now, I’m going to go fishing, and you two have a good time.  Stay out of trouble, and don’t get lost, because the locals don’t speak english around here and probably can’t help you.”

Merlot: “Dad, no one speaks english.  We only know simlish in these countries.”

Wulfric: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”

23Wulfric, the ever amateur fisher that he is, apparently believes that the best way to attract his quarry is to violently splash around on the beach and scare them all off.

Wulfric: “Actually no, I’m thrashing around, attracting the attention of the curious fish, making them think one of their friends are hurt.  They will arrive with med-packs, and then BAM, instant fish hook.”

How does he not have his own fishing show on the hunting channel.

24Chianti: “Mom ended up sending me out with dad to keep an eye on him.  Apparently he tends to get into trouble when he’s alone.”

Ghost: “I once got into trouble here a few years ago.  Now I suffer forever for it.”

Chianti: “What, go away ghost, what are you even doing out here?  What do you think this is, Moonlight Falls?!  Jeesh.”

25Wulfric: “You didn’t have to snap at him, you know, sweetheart.”

Chianti: “Hush it, dad.  I’m doing my yoga now.  I can’t keep my magical chakras in check if you and some blubbering dead guy keep chattering in my ear.”

Ghost: *Is outie*

26Syrah: “You’re gonna love this, bro.  The boat house actually leaves port, in we’re gonna go all out today!  I’m gonna show you some choice surfin’ spots, and tomorrow, we’re getting up and chasing waves!”

Merlot: “Yeaaaah… about that.  Do you think you should be moving your parent’s house boat out of port and all?  I don’t think you should be taking this thing anywhere.”

Syrah: “Don’t sweat it, dude!  I’ve been driving this thing around since I was 10!  You don’t even need a license or anything to take this baby out.  Who needs a car really when ya got this babe!”

27Merlot: “That’s cool and all, but maybe you shouldn’t take up the whole bay with this thing?  I mean, we got a speedboat coming in on us really fast…”

Syrah: “Once again, don’t sweat it!  She’s got plenty of breathin’ room starboard side, she can squeeze on by just fine.”

28Merlot: “Oh GOD!  SHE’S GOING TO SMASH INTO THAT BOAT HOUSE!  SYRAH DO SOMETHING”

Syrah: “DUDE!  Calm your tits!  She’s still got plenty of space to get on b-LET GO OF THE STEERING WHEEL THERE’S NOTHIN’ WE’RE GONNA DO”

29Merlot: “SHE SPUN OUT!  SHE’S TAKING ON WATER!  CALL THE COASTGUARD, THROW A LIFERAFT!”

Syrah: “You’re dad was right.  You really are a dweeb, Merlot.”

30Merlot: “OMYGAD OMYGAD oh man ok, she righted herself, she’s going on around, I just, I need a paper bag to breath in.”

Syrah: “You really don’t know anything about boating, do ya, Mer?  Here’s the dealio, go take a sip of dad’s rum he’s got chillin’ at the bar, and sit and chillax for a bit on the deck, I’ll call you when we reach the other side of the island, mmk?”

31Merlot: “Want me to pour you one too?  I’m making my very own special mix: hard cider with cherry Koolaid mix!”

Syrah: “Being as I don’t need to beach this house, I think I’m going to pass, but have fun with that, bro.”

32Meanwhile, the sisters continue to hang out at the beach and get better acquainted.  They also learn at how bad the resort’s condition has degraded.

33Masao: “Wow what a loser.  Obviously a tourist, HEY LADY, COOL PEOPLE DON’T WALK AROUND WITH A LIFE VEST ON, SHOW SOME TIT”

Honey: “Silly inland dweller, got a pair of monkey feet to go with them gorilla legs?  Hahaha!”

Wren: “Looks like someone’s messing with the wrong gorilla girl.”

Don’t Wren, they’re customers.

34Honey: “What did you do to me?!  I’m with child!  If I find out you messed with my soon to be fetus I’m going to give this resort such a low score…”

Masao: “How low can you go though, right dear HAHAHA, please don’t kill us D:”

Wren: “Chidus Typhinius, make these losers amphibious!”

And so, the resort lost what little score they had, thanks to Wren.

35Syrah: “Hmmm, this area is new to me, I think it’s called Virmire, and I wonder what killer cool crabs we’re gonna run into out here!”

Meanwhile, Syrah let his adventurous streak get the better of him, and instead of going to port before nightfall, he got a little distracted offshore…

36Merlot: *Sobs* “Stupid fancy vacation, stupid *HIC* tropical islands, stupid Syrah, stupid *HIC* everything!  And stupid hot dogs!  Why can’t you actually cook right?!”

Maybe because the grill isn’t on?  Merlot go to sleep, you’re drunk.

37Wulfric: “Four minnows and a tuna into this, I think I’m finally starting to understand fishing!  Especially now that I mastered the art of standing on the water, I will soon be this ocean’s biggest predator!”

Chianti: “Dad, it’s been 7 hours.  I JUST wanted to go parasailing!”

38Their first night drifted on in Isla Paradiso.  Raven and Wren stayed the night at No Seasons, and Chianti gave up and went back to the house, leaving her father to be weird on the beach.  Crime ran rampant that night, resulting in all the coast guard boats to be stolen in an inside job.

Bernardo: “But crime will not prevail, for justice never sleeps!  We will continue to serve our town, boats or no boats!”

And no laws of physics either.

39Merlot: “Zzzzmmmph, ugh, my head hurts.  Where am I… this isn’t my bedroom… oh that’s right, the boat house.  Mmmpf, really, where am I though?”

40Merlot: “Syrah?!  SYRAH?!  Where are you?!  Where are WE?!  I can’t see a thing out here!”

41Syrah: “Toot toot, we’ve reached our destination, bro!  The perfect spot for the perfect surf!  Who’s ready to catch some gnarly waves?!”

Merlot: “SYRAH!  Where ARE we?!  We can’t see a thing out here, do you even know where we ARE?!”

Syrah: “Well, last night after you started throwing raw hot dogs into the ocean, and drunkenly insulting the fish, you passed out and I decided to take a tour around a really cool island I found.  And so, we are HERE!”

42To be fair, I don’t really know why they are out here either.

This is NOT really where I told you to go, guys!

43Merlot: “Syrah, please!  We have to go back!  We are going to get into so much trouble for taking this thing out in the middle of open ocean like this!  Can’t we just forget about all this and I’ll just let you play Jet Ski Racing on my GBA!”

Syrah: “I will agree, it’s not as windy as I thought it’d be.  Which is a real bummer, so maybe the surf isn’t killer like I thought…”

Merlot: “I could care LESS about the surf, Syrah!  I just want to get this thing back to land before our parents notice we’re gone!”

44Syrah: “Mer, please, don’t have a cow.  I’ve done this a buncha times, my parents don’t mind, and I’m sure you’re parents are gonna be cool with this!  Besides, we still see the northern coasts from here, so we’re all good!  Now get your doggers on and let’s go hit some surf!”

45Merlot: “I don’t want to surf though!  Just take me on shore, you can just leave me there, and go surfing all you want, I just want to go home and sleep until this vacation is over.”

Syrah: “Dude, you really are being a bummer right now.  Look, a couple of waves with me, and I’ll take ya back to the beach.  Fair enough?  Fair enough.”

46Merlot: “Don’t IGNORE me and jump in the ocean when I’m talking to you!  SYRAH!  You’re going to get me killed out here!”

Syrah: “That’s junk, bro!  The water is safe, and you’re safe with me, just jump in!”

47Pictured above: Not safe.

Merlot: *Pretty damn dead*

Syrah: *Pretty dead too, didn’t think that through at all, did ya, Syrah*

48Syrah: “Just lean into the wind, and let the board do the rest!  When I’m done with you, you’re gonna be the most natural damn newbie in the waters!”

Merlot: *Grips through the sail, tearing it probably* “I’m not all to sure about this, Syrah…”

49Meanwhile, Marlon has quite possibly one of the slowest jobs out there.

Marlon: “I guess for such a remote island town, everyone here’s pretty good at swimming, you know?”

50Marlon: “That, and no one is really here today.”

Are you sure you went to the right beach, Marlon?

51Syrah: “Where’d he go?  Don’t tell me Mer already wiped out.  Dude!  Where’d you go?!”

52Merlot: “Glub glub glub!”

Syrah: “Seriously?!  You gave up on surfing, bro?  BRO, surfing is life!”

Merlot: “GLUB GLUB!”

Syrah: “FINE.  You don’t have to surf, be a kook, see if I care.  Just snorkle around until I get back, I’M actually going to go out and enjoy this calm… boring water.  Lates.”

53Merlot: “Thought he’d never leave.  That windsurfing mess was killing my knees.  At least in the water it’s nice and calm.  I really like this.  This is really… peaceful.”

54Honey: “I have this really poor suspicion that something is wrong with this resort, Masao.  Like there’s something in the water or the beds have sand fleas… I don’t know, but that witch bitch is giving me the chills.”

Masao: “Well we did make fun of her all last night, so I’m sure she’s just angry.  Let her be weird dear, and help me finish this burger.  These flies aren’t going to finish it all off for me.  Mmmm, flies…”

Next time: Will Syrah and Merlot learn to get along while out in the open water?  Will Wren stop scaring off Raven’s customers at the resort?  Will Darin Dick stop scaring customers off at the resort?  Will Honey and Masao have tadpoles?  Find out next time, whenever that’ll be!

 

 

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 7 Comments

The Triple Legacy Spooktacular Part 1

Check it out, long time no see, on this blog anyway.  I haven’t updated in 100 years!! (10 months) This is not a legacy update, per se, but instead, it’s a Halloween special, just like I had a couple years back!  I thought that thing needed a sequel, as all good things need sequels!  Lots and lots of sequels.  Sequels make the best movies.

This three part special will involve all my legacies up to date, and took almost two years planning (but only 4 days of actual work, heh, lame) None the less, sit back and I hope you enjoy this 3 part special that was almost 2spooky for theaters!

1It takes place on a small, isolate stretch fall off in the hills.  Probably near Moonlight Falls.  Nowhere near Midnight Hollow because that would be too damn nice.

2“I think everything’s set for this party.  Maybe it won’t be as much of a failure like it was the last time.  Honestly.  Who drives a Dodge through a living room?  Barbarians.”

3“Ick, the guests should be arriving soon.  No crazies at this party this year, and nothing too important for them to destroy.  Not a hair out of place, everything in it’s proper location, though I will say this corset is crushing my left boob.”

4“Oh what if I put out too many pumpkins?  This is too many damn pumpkins.  Is this why I don’t hold parties on a regular basis?”

“Yo, is this the Halloween Beach party?!  You’re Sabrina, right?”

5“Ah, and you must be Gengar!  How is the Rainbowcy going?”

“Well, Shane’s actually a hard man to track down and spend time with.”

“Fantastic!  I think your costume is really nice!  Skeletons are always in fashion!”

6“It wasn’t my first outfit of choice actually!  I had something else in mind, something much cooler!  But when I tried to get it, shit went down!  I think that damn outfit may have even caused all of Hidden Springs to want to disappear right off the map!  “Missing expansion pack data” my ass!  That’s the last time I order something off Ebay with less than 95% recommendation.”

“I am sorry to hear that.  Please enjoy the party though!”

7“I swear if you lead me into the wrong person’s yard again and get us cussed out, I’m going to leave you here when I go back to Hidden Springs.  I’ll even ship your stupid little wife and kid here to stay with you.  Or I may just bake them into a pie, I don’t care which.”

“I promise!  The GPS has got it this time, I know we are at the right place this go around!”

“Ah, you two must be here for my party!”

8“You’re Sabrina?  Cool.  This party doesn’t cost me anything right?  Because I’m not paying anyway.  We’ve come all this way for a free party, you hear?”

“I’m sure the party is free, Jealousy.  It would have listed a price or something on the invitations if it weren’t, you know?”

“Shut the hell up, Happiness.  What I don’t get is why have a party out here in the middle of an abandoned beach on short term.  Explain that to me, simself woman, because it would be just as easy to have one in my backyard.”

9“Trust me, the beach is the safest place.  No houses to burn down, nothing to break, and no one is around to question what we are doing here.  Isolation is good.  I know it’s no Isla Paradiso like you probably want, but it does the job.”

“Fine, I’ll buy that.  It’s the only thing I’m buying.  That buffet table better have a mini bar.  This fucking dress is chaffing my armpit.”

10“By the way, I think someone’s glitching out on their way to your party, or someone got over excited with the body paint.”

11“Bear?  Is that you?!  I don’t think I’ve seen a toy soldier outfit as dedicated as yours is!”

“Huh?  We’ll I try ‘ta be a lil’ professional, I guess yew can say…”

12“I saw that much green from down the street and I had a horrible flashback to when your mother was at the last party.  Never have I ever seen so much green worn on such a skank before.  But there’s no way you’re anything like Bella, ha ha ha!  Well I wouldn’t really mind if you wore a little something that was a little revealing, if you don’t mind me saying…”

13“Ah, yew ain’t gotta worry about that.  I think my niece has the “revealing” part down fur us.”

“You gotta be kidding me.”

14“Playboy bunny in the house!  Haha!  Sorry, this outfit wus a lil’ las’ minute, I found it in a trunk of great grandmam’s titled “Bella’s Fun-fits”, an’ I swear, I wore more clothin’ that one time I went streakin’ through my school’s cafeteria in nothin’ but ‘uh napkin than wut I’m wearin’ now!  But ya’ll gotta admit, I’m a damn fine chunka cheese in this git-up!”

15“You’re a chunk of something, that’s for damn sure.”

“It’s alright, if I stand over here ‘n stare inna’ space long enough, I can almost block out what my niece is sayin’.”

16“This is YOUR fault, Youtube!  If this damn computer would have that damn Seasons expansion installed, we could have a decent Spooky day celebration and a decent fall seasons than this half ass holiday rendition!”

“How the hell is that MY fault, Facebook?!  We just test the EPs, we don’t actually have anything do to with how they get on here!”

“Like hell you do!  You’re the computer nerd in the family, so why haven’t you gotten that fixed already?”

17“What the hell is going on over here with you two?!”

“Facebook is saying your party sucks wienie.”

“I did not say anything of the sort.  Stop twisting my words, Youtube, you douche sack.  I said that this party sucks balls, and those are two different parts of the body.”

18“Mmhmm.  So what are you two supposed to be?”

“Well I am Link, hero of time, savior of Hyrule and the Princess Zelda!  And I think my brother is supposed to be some sort of gay cowboy.”

“Aw come on!  You know exactly what I’m supposed to be!  I’m a member of the scouting legion from Attack on Titan!  Remember, I at least got you to watch the show with me!”

“Yeah, I wasn’t watching it, when you had it on.  I was too busy touching myself to Zelda nudes on my smartphone while you were playing that stuff.”

“What?!  DUDE!  I was RIGHT there!”

19“The party doesn’t start until I pop every single one of these balloons!  Bwahaha!  There had better be some good rupees hidden in these things!”

“For someone who seems really keen on being Link for Halloween, nice sandals.”

“It’s a beach party you green asshole!  Link can be environmentally stylish too!”

20*Proceeds to wipe boogers on the balloons*

“Aw, cut that out you nasty freak!  Balloons aren’t cheap!”

“If anything, you go wipe that mess on Happiness, like the hunk of garbage that he is!”

“Heeyy…”

21“Aw, crap, my paint’s starting to crack off!  I don’t need this stuff to peel off so quickly, I have to go the rest of the night with this stuff on!”

“Well I’m fairly certain it will stay on a little better if you don’t bend your elbow at such an unnatural angle.  Just a tidbit that might be helpful, you know.”

22“Yo, are we going to shoot these fireworks off or not?  Because I got to say, if we don’t, I’m probably going to steal at least one of them.  Or all of them.  They don’t look like they are worth a lot.  So I want them.”

“I’m not sure what to respond with for that.”

23“Ah, sure we can, um… light these things… I don’t really like fireworks, I don’t really like loud flashy things at all really, um…” *Sets dress hem on fire*

24“Uaaah!  Out of my way!  And you!  Go wash your hands already!”

“Fine!  I’m cleaning my hands off now”

“Wiping them on your pants doesn’t count, you dumbass.”

25“Tell me when it’s over!  UGH!  Tell me when the loud noises are over!”

“DOES THIS MEAN THE FIREWORKS ARE GOING TO BE BAD?!”

“I think they are just regular fireworks, you green twit.  Calm your shit.”

26“I thought they were supposed to be little pumpkin fireworks.  I don’t know what that’s supposed to be.”

“Maybe it’s an albino pumpkin.”

“Probably.”

27“Now that that nightmare is over, let’s get down to the fun part, shall we!  Everyone line up!  We are going to take a trip through the Spooky House!  Everyone on board?!”

“I guess.  It’s not a Halloween without a haunted house tour after all.”

28“Welcome to the Old Moonlight Falls Mausoleum.  It was built in 1788, but abandoned soon after, because they say it was built on cursed land.  Legend goes that the bodies here were not laid to rest properly, and at night, when you walk the beach, you can still hear their cries for a proper resting place.”

29Now we are getting somewhere!  This is the party I was hoping this party would be!”

“Actually I’m uncomfortable with this.  If this place is really that old, how safe is this going to be?”

“Don’t be a lameass, Bear.”

30“Trust me, you are with me, and I can reassure you that this is the safest place in the county!  This mausoleum was built with a sturdy, multilevel basement, with indestructible steel walls.  This place is absolutely perfect.”

31“Once we get inside, you will all see what horrors await you.  I will seal you all up, nice and tight, and that’s when the real fun begins for me.”

32“For all of us, I mean!  Of course, you know, hahaha!”

33“If you can call it fun for you…”

“Huh?  What was that?”

“Nothing Happiness…”

34“Wait, something’s a little odd about this…”

“Come on, Happiness.  You’re thinking too hard.”

“I guess.”

35“Well, where’s the horror?  All I see is an empty doorway and some stairs.”

“You have to be patient, Jealousy…”

36“The horror is down the bottom of the stairs.  Follow me.”

37“Oh shit, son.  I donno’ bout you guys, but that stairwell looks dark as sin.  This is nawtta’ gud idea at all.”

“You gonna be ok, Bear?  You aren’t scared of ghosts are you?”

“Him?  Scared of ghosts?  I donno’ bout yew, genie boy, but if there’s one thing mah Unca’ Bear ain’t scared of, it’s some ghosts.  That’s fur damn sure.”

38“Well, I’m not waiting around for you pansies to make up your minds on whether or not you’re going through this haunted house or not.  I’m getting my damn money’s worth if it’s the last thing I do at this stupid party.”

“We didn’t spend money at this party, for the last time, Jealousy.”

“Can’t you shut the hell up for one minute, Happiness?”

39“Alright, we all made it down here.  That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“I don’t know guys.  This doesn’t look like a mausoleum to me.  More like an old busted warehouse?”

40“Yeah, this has storage building written all over it.”

“No Happiness, this is more of some sort of bomb shelter.  But who would build a bomb shelter on a beach?”

“Perhaps a bit of both?  Maybe all three?  A mausoleum-bunker-warehouse doesn’t sound that bad of an idea for a business, maybe!”

41“It’s old, it’s grimy, and this sea air is making my underwear moist!  This was the lamest haunted house tour I’ve ever been on!  Nice try Sabrina, but it wasn’t a nice try!  Try not to be so lame next year, why don’t you?!”

42Why… I’ll be sure to tell Sabrina that the next time I see her…

“WHOA, that creeped me the fuck out.  Hah… ha ha.  That was a good one Sabrina.  Don’t do that again.”

“Facebook, let go of my arm.  It was just some weird trick she did with her voice, that was all!  But why do I feel like there’s ice running down my spine all of a sudden…”

43

You brainless peons really are more pathetic than you look, really.  I don’t even see why Sabrina even bothers to pay so much attention to you fucks.  Honestly, I’ve never wasted so much time to deal with a bunch of people who waste so much time.

“What are you even talking about?  That was quite hurtful, you know.  You don’t have to talk to us like that.”

“Happiness is right, that was a little out of line.  If you are trying to scare us, it’s not really working.  Now come on, Sabrina.  Let’s do this haunted house thing or let’s go home, ok?”

44

Haven’t you idiots figured it out, by now?!  I’m not Sabrina, I never was!

“Yeah yeah.  If you aren’t her, then who are you, “Oh, Mysterious One”?”

45If you are so curious, allow me to show you who I really am!”

“Whoa this is a pretty good effect actually.”

46Fool!  This is no effect!  Behold, I am your bringer of Death…

47“For it is I!”

“I?”

“Yes, I.”

TO BE CONTINUED ON THE FISBI.

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