Island Paradise 4: Seaweed and Krakens

177And so, the vacation turned into its last few weeks, before Wren’s family would return home.  Wulfric finally fought his shark and secured his status as the loser parent with his daughter.  Wren was helping her sister Raven raise her resort’s star status, and Merlot and Syrah weren’t having any luck with the mermaid hunt.  Just a herd of loser vampires.

178Syrah: “Don’t be such a wet blanket, dude!  I’m just trying to make waffles for breakfast, why you gotta be so damn loud?”

Syrah, you probably should leave that to someone else.

179Triton: *Twerks on the sharks face*

Shark: “And you see why I bit your fishtail off all those years ago.”

Triton: “Cruel, but just payback.”

180Triton: “Now I must return home, for that weirdo kid has returned, and wants my body.”

No one wants the lame normal human body you have, Triton.

181Gnome: “A whole new world for me to adventure in!  I can’t wait to block other sims way down here, glitch and go invisible, and get stuck right outside of the border of this lot!”

But he is a cutie mcpootie though.

182Syrah: “Wow!  You look even less like a fish man than Triton does!  I almost mistook you for a drowning babe!  But anyway, them breasts.”

Maya: “Yeah, the currents make them very bouncy and very hard to swim with.  The lack of tail doesn’t help either.”

183Merlot: “Where did that “mermaid” vanish off to, Syrah?!”

Syrah: “I don’t know, bra, but I do know where that SHARK CAME FROM”

Shark: “Have you defaulted or recently been involved in a foreclosure?”

Merlot: “OH NO!”

184Merlot: “SYRAH, PLEASE CALL A SEA AMBULANCE”

Syrah: “Wow, I’m really tired of all these sharks attacking you, bra.”

Merlot: “OH, YOU’RE TIRED OF THE SHARK ATTACKS, I’M SO SORRY

185Merlot: “After a harrowing encounter with that darn shark, it’s so nice to just chill and say hello to the clams.  Hello clams.”

Kraken: “Meine freund!  Ich habe ein neues Schachspiel!  Komm, spiel mit mir!”

Merlot: “What the-”

186Merlot: “SYRAH!  TELL MY FATHER AND SISTER I LOVE THEM!  AND TELL MY MOTHER SHE ALWAYS DID A DECENT JOB CUTTING MY HAIR, I JUST NEVER APPRECIATED HER ENOUGH FOR IT”

187Raven: “YES!  Four stars!  Now we are finally getting the recognition we deserve!  I’m gonna go get snacks!”

You probably should go get a janitor crew while you’re at it.  Been letting the place go while I was gone.

188Merlot: “I sure hope no freaky giant octopus and sharks are in this place.”

Syrah: “I don’t think so.  The sea grass seems to be too thick for them to squeeze through.  I think you’re safe here, dude.”

189Salty: “They think they’re safe, but I’m STEAMING MAD”

At the fact that your name is Salty or at the fact that you not only don’t have a tail, but you don’t have any feet either?

190Salty: “Hah!  For that, I have eaten your precious children.”

Merlot: “I wanted to be a merman, but not like this.”

How about you idiots don’t reset inside of each other, ok?!

191Merlot: “Is this the mermaid you were talking about earlier?  Damn, Syrah.  You weren’t kidding about the boobies.”

Syrah: “I know, bra!  Lookit’ them bob!”

Maya: “Do you two have to be so inappropriate?!”

192Syrah: “ALRIGHT, this bullshit resetting stuff has GOT to stop!  I just want to look around a sea cave, not sign waivers and fees to the resetting gods just to get through a hole in a rock!”

Merlot: “If I have to wait to depressurize one more time over this bullcrap, my brain is going to pop.”

Maya: “Maybe I should pay a visit to the land witch, Ursola, and see if I can trade anything for a fish tail.  I don’t have a voice to pay her in, but maybe she takes payments in breasts.”

193Shark: “I’m so glad I found you two again!  So have either of you thought about it, and found a good co-signer with credit you are getting on board with???”

Syrah: “WHAT?!  WHY ME, MERLOT’S THE ONE YOU WANT, GO GET HIM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

194Merlot: “I’m glad we finally got to talk face-to-face again since I once met you and you vanished on me a billion weeks ago, Mia.”

Mia: “Yeah, I do that.  But it’s nice to befriend you slowly over a cellphone.  Modern technology is all we need for friendships really!  That, and your dad’s hot ass helps too.”

Syrah: *dying*

195Mia: “Here you go, some of that dank kush.”

Merlot: “I have growing concerns about this actually.”

196Merlot: “Uh, excuse you Mia, this is just a pickle.”

Mia: “No way, man!  This is magic seaweed, it’s guarenteed to turn you into a merman, and you can join the oceans with us forever!  Or you can give it to your dad, and let him join me.  That’ll be hot too.”

196Meanwhile, Syrah actually managed to win against the shark, first one to do too!

Syrah: “Please, I do this twice a week while surfing.  Shark punching is my breakfast, dude!”

197Syrah: “Let’s celebrate the shark’s ass whoopin with a little party up in my place!  Woo!”

Merlot: “Maybe later.  Right now I’m cherishing the last few moments I have as a mortal man!  Hopefully, this seaweed will turn me into a mermaid, and not a water vampire like everyone else.”

Syrah: “Everyone else but Maya.  Who, by the way, followed us onto the boathouse somehow.  Don’t let her in, or she’ll sink the boat.  You know, old sailor superstition.”

198Maya: “Wow, rude.  I’m not sinking anyone’s boat, I just want to read this human tome about talking llamas and wizard chickens.  Do I really have to do it out here in the dark?”

Merlot: *Too busy having a bubble bath*

Door: *Suffocating, how did*

199THANK GOD, new mermaids are ACTUALLY mermaids!  Look!  Fish legs!  I had no idea your inner fish was a goldfish, Merlot!

Merlot: “Yeah, I was hoping for barracuda or deathfish, or even robot fish, but goldfish?  This is almost embarrassing.”

200Merlot: “I found a red Sharpie upstairs and colored my scales with it, I hope you don’t mind.  But I finally feel like the fish I always wanted to be!”

Syrah: “Dude, you wanted to be a merman since two weeks ago.  You sure this is gonna fly by with you’re folks?”

Merlot: “Dude, they probably won’t even notice!  Now that I’m a merman, I can be free from their opinion!  I feel like I’m me for the first time in forever!”

Syrah: “Coolio then, bra.  Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep oogling Maya’s chest from the window then until she gives up on trying to read.”

201Raven: “You know.  I’m really happy for everything you’ve helped me with, Wren.  The resort is so cool now, we have a cool pool, bar, boarding, everything’s clean, and we’ve attracted a lot of hotties.”

Wren: “It is nice out here now.  The sand is cleaner and the food is better.  I’m glad to be of service.”

Raven: “I hear your husband finally came back from his little island he found, and your son finally showed up.  He’s in the pool trying out his “sea legs” he said.  You should go pay them a visit.”

202Wren: “Hey son.  How’s the water today?”

Merlot: “It’s nice, mom! Just being a fish now, that’s all.”

Wren: “Sounds cool.  Later, son!”

Merlot: “Uh, ok.”

203Marlon: “Very slow day, today actually.  The only highlight I have today at the beach is that I realized other sims could move their boathouses too.  That one parked right there in the middle of the bay where all the heavy boat traffic goes through.  What a pack of assholes.”

204Wren: “Oh, welcome to the pack, new bartender!  How’s the new job holding up?!”

Greg: “I’d rather be wearing a Mickie D work uniform right now, ma’am.”

Wren: “It’ll grow on you, it’s a good look, and I’m so wasted right now to see nothing else but an actual pink rabbit serving me drinks!”

Greg: “Sigh…”

205Merlot: “This is so great!  I’m finally so happy with my life!  No longer will I be just simple Merlot!  I’m now Merlot the Marlin, the new king of the ocean!  Wow, actually that name sounded so much better in concept.”

206Merlot: “Hello, unresting soul.  I am here to put aside your suffering and help you pass onto the other side.”

Cara: “Wha-I’M NOT SUFFERING!  I drowned in a shower, not at sea, can’t I actually have some fun and do some activities without people thinking this is where I suffered my loss?!  Get the hell out of here, kid!”

207Syrah: “I have released my cousin into the wilds of the ocean and separated him from his family forever.  I have done my good deed for the week.  I deserve this relaxation.”

208Merlot: “I’d go and say goodbye to my family, but apparently all is lost now.  I guess Syrah forgot to turn off the stove again, so so much for returning there.  Goodbye family, may I see you along the shores of where ever you travel!”

209And so, Merlot headed for his new home in the sea, to find adventure, and new life amongst his people.  You know, until the curfew police manage to set a fishing hook in his ear or something and haul him back home.

210Meanwhile, the No Seasons finally topped out as the best resort in the whole town!

211While it cost them more money to run the place than to actually make from it, Raven and Marlon were happy with their new and improved business.

212To celebrate their new success as business moguls, they bought a new island, and treated Wren, Wulfric, and Chianti to a night on their new land.

213Raven: “Camping is a wonderful getaway idea.  Nothing but returning to nature, beautiful landscapes, and packing the hot tub to take with us was a great idea.”

Wren: “The sand here sticks together so much better than the resort sand!  I’m going to have so much fun on the new island, Raven!”

214Marlon: “Yeah, and with your sister turning in for the evening, I’m about to have so much fun in the hot tub with you, Raven!”

Raven: “Oh you dog!”

Wren: “I’m still RIGHT here, you guys.”

215Syrah: “Well if this isn’t just thriller.  Thanks mom, I really wanted to see you servicing dad’s “boogie board” in the hot tub.”

Marlon: “Ok, so maybe the hot tub humping isn’t such a good idea right now.”

216Syrah: “Gonna try to forget about that scene this afternoon, and cook this squid over the fire, which looks a lot like a salmon steak, but I’m not arguin’.”

Marlon: “Hey, Chianti, where’s your father?  He was supposed to meet us here hours ago for the celebration.”

Chianti: “He started ranting about obtaining the whole island nation.  Something that the science facility told him that they wanted him to collect scales from all the minnows in the world.  So I left him in the swan boat again and came on here.”

217Wulfric: “Why does Chi have to be so hard on me and my goals??  I can catch the minnows, and she’s just being difficult.  Sigh, I hate this boat.  And it’s stupid swan face.  Sigh… Great, now I can hear Germany’s national anthem being played from somewhere…”

219Wulfric: “Great, and now the boat is taking on water.  Could this day get any worse?”

Kraken: *Really loud Deutschlandlied*

218Wren: “That’s what you get for dragging our daughter along on your hair brained, dangerous ideas, Wulfric!  You know better than to anger a powerful witch and summoner such as your wife!  Ugh.  When will you ever learn…”

Kraken: *Please rise for your national anthem*

220Wulfric: “OH GOD, WHAT DO I DO?!  I’M NEVER GOING TO GET THE DEPOSIT BACK ON THAT BOAT!”

221Wulfric: “SYRAH?!  SYRAH IS THAT YOU?!  QUICK, THROW ME A ROPE QUICK, I NEED TO BE DRAGGED BACK TO SHORE, I NEED TO MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS!”

222Syrah: “Sorry Uncle Wolf, this board isn’t meant for two!  Later, bra!”

Wulfric: “SYRAH GET BACK HERE AND HELP YOUR UNCLE, I DON’T SWIM WELL!  SYRAH, COME ON NOW!”

223And so, Syrah flew away into the night sky, leaving his uncle to get his toes nibbled off.  Some say they were nibbled by the very minnows he was trying to catch, others say it was Mia Azul.  But in the end, they all had a good vacation in Isla Paradiso.

***

Let’s take some time to have some afterthoughts on Island Paradise.  Or skip to the end if you don’t want to read a block.  First off, it’s a really pretty EP.  The visuals are great and there is a good amount of cool new stuff in this game.  Resorts impressed me the most, and the town is beautiful to look at.  There’s always a new place to look at in this town, and I’ve barely scratched the surface touring it myself.  New activities are fun, and the boats work like a charm and go through water more fluidly than I expected.  I was afraid the land-to-sea transitions between sims, boats, and boathouses were going to be laggy and I am surprised that they work wonderfully well.

That being said, there are a lot more downsides to this EP than I wanted.  A lot of people tell me Isla Paradiso is laggy and bugged, and doesn’t last as long as other towns.  That’s troubling to hear, since so many things, like the Kraken and the scuba diving, seem to be virtually exclusive to this town.  I didn’t have any problems out of the usual when I played, but I only played here for a short time personally.  I hear that the problem can come from the Scott’s family’s boathouse not being docked correctly at the start of the game, so it’s recommended to deal with that problem upon the game’s start, but I haven’t tested that out myself so if you want to send a legacy family here, be precautious.

The town’s mermaids were a disappointment.  Maya, Triton, Mia, and Salty should consider themselves embarrassed to even say they were mermaids.  Apparently it was some sort of recent patch that messed them up?  Get on your shit, EA.  I tried to fix them myself (apparently I could do so through a loophole in testingcheats (?)) but every attempt to tamper with them crashed my game out.  They didn’t really have a time to shine as their own sims, and that’s upsetting.

Underwater worlds are wonderful.  I love everything about scuba diving, except it seems to take really long to build skill in it, and exploring caves for the first time reset everyone in the water onto the shore.  Every cave does it the first time I do so.  As I have said before, I hate having to “pop the cave’s cherry” just to use it without resetting.

I’m torn on the lifeguarding career.  I didn’t get far enough in it to notice anything changing, and as strange and morbid as it sounds, I wish more sims would come and drown while Marlon was on duty.  Some days no one showed up to be saved at all, and sometimes assholes would show up, get stuck in this “will I, won’t I” scenario, just to leave, and with the weird schedule, it could be days before Marlon would save anyone.

In conclusion, this is a great EP, but not the best, and not my favorite.  With its problems, it seems like it would give even the best gaming computers some hard time.  The content it comes with makes it worth it, if you are willing to put up with the bugs, and risk long term investment in staying in Isla Paradiso, at least until someone at EA bothers to solve the problems.

224So I guess this is it.  I’ll go back to the Pokemon and ISBI legacies for now, and it looks like you can go back to watching the resort, Darin Dick.

Darin Dick: “Wonderful!  Does this mean that I can now have my old uniform back?”

Of course not, why ruin a good thing?

 

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 4 Comments

Island Paradise 3: Islands and Lifeguards

118Yvette I think: “Help!  I don’t even know how to swim!  How horribly ironic, since I live on a small island-centered nation!”

Marlon: “Alright Miss!  Just give me a ten minute period to take my shirt off, and then a half hour to come get you!  You’re safe in my hands!”

119Guillermo: “Help!  Why does none of us know how to swim?!”

Marlon: “Their ignorance is really exhausting.”

120Marlon: “Move to Kansas.  You will be safe there, ma’am.”

Yvette: “You are my hero :3”

121Guillermo: “Wait, you’re gonna come help me too, right?!  Right?!”

There’s a “first come, first drown” basis, Guillermo.

122Yvette: “I am forever in your dept.”

Marlon: “Don’t you mean, debt?”

Yvette: “No, I want to to go shopping, there’s a sale at the Sears Department.”

Guillermo: *A loud instrumental of My Heart Will Go on*

123Yvette: “Now that I have been saved from drowning, my superpowers finally kicked in!  Behold, I can walk on water.  Turns out I didn’t need you after all.”

Marlon: “Alright, now that that’s done, what was I going to do now?  Did I need to go to the store before I went home?”

Guillermo: *♪ EVERY NIGHT IN MY DREAMS ♪*

124Marlon: “It’s cool bro, I have a spare floatie.  I’m a well prepared lifeguard.”

Guillermo: “You came back for me, Jack!”

Marlon: “It’s Marlon, but it’s ok, I’ll ignore that.”

125Syrah and Merlot had to go to school for once, since they were failing, and there’s no way they could return home with F’s.  It gave me an opportunity to check out some of the townies this town has to offer.

126Other than the little girl with the violent skin condition, they were alright.  There were also just 5 of them to show up, so whatever.

127Triton: “Oh no, its that kid again.  Can’t we merfolk just get a break from those eccentric mermaid hunters?”

Can you BE any LESS of a mermaid, Triton?!

Triton: “One of these days, I WILL earn my tail and be a pure merman.  I just have to murder enough selkies when I enroll into the army and fight in the Great 1000 Year Selkie-Merfolk Territory War.”

128Triton: “♪ Come with me,  and you’ll be, in a world of pure imagination 

Syrah: “Maybe I shouldn’t follow the creepy busted merman singing Willy Wonka.”

You think??

129Wulfric: “See any sharks, Chi?  I’m kinda hoping to fight a dogshark or a nurse shark, something easy, you know.”

Chianti: “I would rather you NOT even fight a shark, dad.  Much less let your young daughter help you find one to fight with.”

Wulfric: “Sigh, now there you go, sounding like your mother.  Where’s your sense of adventure, Chi?”

130Syrah: “Now that’s what I’m talking about!  Nothing like some deep sea booty!”

Triton: “Thanks”

Syrah: “NOT YOURS”

131Syrah: “What?!  I can’t see a thing!  There’s nothin’ but bubbles in here?  Aw, what a waste.”

And so Syrah didn’t think anything was in the chest and went to find Merlot.

132Syrah: “DUDE.  Don’t move.  And close your eyes, it can’t see you if you can’t see it!”

Merlot: “Too late!  It saw me!  It tried to force a loan onto me!  I don’t know what to do, Syrah, help!”

133Syrah: “Quick!  There’s an underwater cavern over here, we can bum out in it until the shark goes away!”

I’m sure that cave isn’t much safer, though.

Kraken: “Hallo, meine freunde!  Schönen tag, lolololol!”

134Wulfric: “I shouldn’t have accused Chi of not working hard enough to find a shark.  She ran off and left me out here!  She also took the good boat, and people are driving by and laughing at me…”

136Meanwhile, Merlot and Syrah seem to have no trouble finding the sharks themselves.

Octopus: “One day I’m going to be a great magician, since I’ve already mastered the ability to levitate myself.”

Shark: “I’ll go to every one of your shows to support you, buddy!”

137Shark: “Howdy!  Might I interest you in $5000, with no down payment, and a fixed %8.3 interest for 3 years?!”

Merlot: “SYRAH, IT’S BACK, IT’S FOUND ME”

138Syrah: *Fart propels himself away from the danger*

Merlot: “KING TRITON PLEASE COME SAVE ME”

139Shark: “FINE THEN.  I’ll find someone that actually does need my money.  Later, loser.”

Merlot: “NOPE, THIS ISN’T WORTH THE HUNT FOR MERMAIDS.”

140The shark attack was so brutal, that Merlot reset himself back to the house, and didn’t bother going back for Syrah.

Wren: “What do you MEAN you were attacked by a shark, Merlot?!  Do you KNOW how much magic is costs me to keep reviving you whenever you do stupid things and get killed?!”

Merlot: “You don’t have to remind me every time that happens, mom…”

141Chianti: “Dad, it’s just a rock in the middle of the ocean.  Is it really worth probably losing an arm or a leg to a shark?”

Wulfric: “Of course!  And besides, there’s one right there!  This will be a piece of cake!”

142

Wulfric: “Alright, remember, dangle the raw chicken on the hook right until the shark gets up next to me, then yank it out of the water, and in the shark’s confusion, I punch it in the face, and we all go back to the science facility, happy as can be!”

Chianti: “I’m not fishing with a chicken, dad.”

Wulfric: “Fine, just stay in the boat until I get back.”

143Mia: “Well hello, handsome.  Care to join me in a little underwater rendezvous?”

Wulfric: “Sorry, my wife has forbidden me from interacting with vampires.”

Mia: “WHAT, but I’m not-”

144Shark: “Friend!  I am here!  Let’s go over the options I have with my fixed and cheap rates?”

Wulfric: “Get your hands off my junk, Mia!  Shark!  SHARK!  I must go punch it!”

145Wulfric: “Where’d he go?!  Dammit, and I was so close!  Curses, why do they have to dissolve into nothingness whenever I look at them?!”

146Wulfric: “There’s no way I’m ever going to fight a shark, I just can’t get close enough to one!”

Just reach over and smack the black thing swimming past you, you blind bat.

Wulfric: “Where did Chi go with the boat?”

147Chianti gave up waiting on her dad from doing stupid stuff, so she went to hang out with her mother at the resort.

Chianti: “This is so much fun mom!  Thanks for the slide!”

Wren: “Anything to keep you happy and busy while your mother sneaks drinks from behind the bar.”

148Raven: “It looks like I’m not allowed in this room after all.”

It’s YOUR resort, Raven!

149Darin Dick: “Yeah but I’m in here.  I live here.  It’s the only place I can hide from all the embarrassment.”

If you’re here, then who’s running the lobby, Darin Dick?!

150Shark: *Cartwheels in to view*

Wulfric: “THERE YOU ARE, YOU SLIPPERY DEVIL.  Prepare for the Wulfric Whooping!”

151Wulfric: “Oops, I was going to whoop you, not ride you, this is weird.”

Shark: “You’re telling me…”

152Wulfric: “Never would I think I would be petting a shark.  You are so sweet, so docile… why do they call you such brutal killers?  All the monsters of the world that kill you for your fins and prejudices are horrid, and must be stopped! Save the Sharks 2014.

Wait, I still have to fight you for the island though.  HOLD STILL!”

153Wulfric: “Hyah!  Yah!  Take this and that!”

Shark: “WHOA BRUH, I’M OUTTIE”

154Shark: “LEONARD!  Did you see THAT?!  That freakshow human just started swinging at me for nothing!  He’s just flipping out, beating up the water!”

Leonard: “Damn man!  I’m sorry you keep attracting weirdos like that.”

155Shark: “Look at him.  Is that some sort of weird violent mating ritual, because I’m not interested!”

Leonard: “I don’t know, but you shouldn’t twist yourself around so hard just to look at that idiot.  You have enough chiropractor bills as it is.”

156Leonard: “I think I know what he’s doing!  It’s that damn science facility that pays people in islands to fight sharks.  Monsters.  Jackson had to fight a person for that reason the other week, now that I think about it.”

Shark: “Wow, what kind of science requires that?”

157Shark: “Hey, bro!  Stop that!”

Wulfric: “Huh??”

Leonard: “Look, I’ll send a note to the science facility that says that you managed to beat my pal up after all.  In return, don’t come back down here embarrassing yourself like that.”

Wulfric: “Um… thank you I suppose…”

158Marlon: “Wulfric!  There you are!  Chianti told me you were off fighting sharks so I came after you to get you!  Do you know how dangerous that is?!”

Wulfric: “It’s ok, because I’m safe, brother!”

159Wulfric: “I cut this deal with a swordfish, I got a message to the science facility and I’m going to get my very own island after all this!”

Marlon: “Have you been taking any drugs the locals gave you, bro?”

160Wulfric: “There you are, Chi!  Thanks for staying behind and helping your old dad.  That really meant a lot!”

Chianti: “I didn’t want to rock around in an old boat while my dad made chum out of himself!  I hung out with mom instead.  She taught me how to use magic to help turn this resort around!  Check it out!  I just upgraded this bungalow to the highest it can go!  This resort’s going to be booming soon!”

Marlon: “SWEET!  Is there anyway you could have added a washing machine to this place too?  I bet that would be useful as well.”

161Wulfric: “You see that I did manage to beat a shark, and you didn’t believe that I could do it, Chi!  You should never doubt your old man like that!”

162Chianti: “Well EXCUSE me for being scared that my dad would get himself killed like an idiot!”

Wulfric: “Oh, Chi.  I know, sweetie.  But believe in your old man, I can do anything because I’m dad, remember?”

Chianti: “You can do anything because mom’s a necromancer, remember?”

163Wulfric: “Tell you what, when we get the map from city hall, we’ll go get that island, together, and we’ll split it down the middle, half for you, and half for daddy!  I love you, sweetie.”

Chianti: “Yeah. Ok.  I love you too, dad.”

164Marlon: “That kind of boat parking is infringing at least 14 code violations.”

I believe the type of parking someone does can tell a lot about that person.  In this case, it’s a whole family.

165Christopher: “Your mother just walked back into the ocean and started drowning.”

Omar: “Haha, too bad she doesn’t know how to walk on water like you do, dad!”

Christopher: “That’s true, and teaching you is starting to look a little impossible.”

166Marlon: “But I just got here.  And they just gave me a new survey chair on my new beach!”

That really shouldn’t be your first concern to someone drowning, Marlon.

167Christopher: “You guys keep an eye on your mother, and tell me when she goes under, I’m going to catch some sun while we’re out here.”

Rosemarie: *Wants to come up with a smartass remark about divorce papers, but is choking on salt water*

Marlon: “It’s alright, I’m on my way, lady.”

168Rosemarie: “Thank you so much, beautiful handsome stranger!  I owe you my life, and I owe you my soul” *holds onto Marlon’s hand*

Marlon: “I appreciate it, lady.  But we are both married to other people.”

169Rosemarie: “Alright, now that we are back, come resuscitate me.  And feel free to get handsy with me if you want.  Right here in front of my husband, oh yeah, this’ll get him good and upset, like he deserves.”

170 Christopher: “Actually this is gonna be hot, I’m actually gonna roll over and watch this, oh yeah baby, some beach entertainment.”

Rosemarie: “Sigh…”

Marlon: “Maybe it’s not too late for me to go to school and get a degree in art history like I wanted.”

171Wulfric: “Alright, Chi!  Wake up, we are here!  We’ve found our own little island and I have named it the Chifric Island One!”

Chianti: “This… this is the island?  It’s nice and all, but is this it, dad?”

172Chianti: “There’s no treasure, there’s nothing fancy, and there’s just this one little hut!  And it’s all splintery and smells like cat pee!  Was this really worth fighting a shark over, dad?!”

173Wulfric: “Oh yes it was, Chi!  Because now I get to go fishing in an untouched land!  The fish here are going to be amazing!”

Chianti: “How untouched is a place with a house on it, dad?”

174Wulfric: “Look!  It’s a tragic clownfish!  Nature’s dumbest clown.”

Chianti: “DAD YOU COULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT IN THE TOWN STREAM.”

Wulfric: “Yes, but look at it’s coloring, Chi!  It’s slightly more orange than the in-town clownfish.  You really should have a better eye for treasure fish like this!”

175Wulfric: “Hey, is that the boat house that Syrah and your brother took off in?  What’s it doing way out here?”

Chianti: “OBVIOUSLY they made it all the way out here, dad, without FIGHTING A SHARK!”

176Wulfric: “I can’t believe she did it again!  You’d think she’d take the cute little swan boat instead of the sailboat…”

Next time: More broken mermaid related things!  More islands!  More Darin Dick!  Actually less Darin Dick.

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 1 Comment

Island Paradise 2: Sharks and Vampires

A couple of days into their stay on Isla Paradiso, Wren and her family were settling in nicely.  Wren tended to chase off all of Raven’s customers at the No Seasons resort, while Merlot and Syrah were trying to get along out on the boat house.  Wulfric was determined to get some fishing in, much to the dislike of his daughter Chianti, who was stuck babysitting him in the meanwhile.
55Chianti: “So I left him on the beach and went to teach myself to surf.  I know I’m already 100 times better than my slacker idiot brother.”

This is true, as Merlot won’t stay on a windsurf board to save his life.

56Marlon, Raven’s lifeguard hubbie, tends to spend his time on empty beaches, awaiting anyone who wanders into the water after eating a hoagie five minutes earlier.

Christopher: “CJ PARKER PLEASE SAVE ME”

Marlon: “Just stand up, sir!  The water is only knee deep in this bay!  Sir, just… oh just wait then, I’m coming in.”

57Christopher: “You’re not Pamela Anderson.”

Marlon: “Don’t you have a wife and two children?!”

58Christopher: “You saved me from drowning in the kiddie pool and I walked onto this beach by myself, but I think I sucked in too much water with my lungs and you have to suck the water out with your mouth, k thx”

Marlon: “This isn’t what Lifeguard School prepared me for…”

59Raven: “Wren, what do you think of our resort right now?  What do you think we can do to make it a little better?”

Wren: “Clean up a bit.  Add some cool shit.  These sand burrs are about to kill me.”

Raven: “Do you think you and your magic can help me out around here a little bit?”

Wren: “Mmmm.  Fine.”

60Wren: “There.  I summoned a swimming pool.  Now you have to support your end of the deal and take care of it and hire new workers to do so.”

Raven: “This is really nice, I do thank you for it.  But let’s see… what else can we do to make this place more appealing?”

61Raven: “I’ve been thinking Darin Dick.  Your uniform is cool and all around here, but I’m making wardrobe changes.”

Darin Dick: “What kind of changes ma’am?  Oh, and I prefer to just be called Darin.  You really don’t have to say my whole name…”

62Darin Dick: “Ma’am?!  This isn’t what I was hired for!”

Raven: “Nonsense, you were hired to bring in customers, and this is going to drive them in in droves!  People love rabbits, Darin Dick!  Aw, don’t pout at me like that, everyone working here has to wear this too!”

63Martin: “Did you know I went to an Ivy league school?  Sigh, I was going to be a physics engineer.”

Wren: “Well, you certainly broke the physics, that’s for sure.”

64Raven: “-And when she gets out to check, man door hand hook car door.”

Darin Dick: “I think I should really be back inside working, Mrs. Sw0rd.”

Raven: “You came out here on your own, really who’s fault is that, Darin Dick.”

65Meanwhile, Merlot, who had decided to go snorkeling all day instead of hanging with his cousin, realized that it was getting late, and he was getting cold.  So he put his regular clothes back on, and apparently continued to do the snorkel.

Merlot: “Glub”

66Syrah: “Bra, there you are!  Come on, it’s gettin’ late and we need to seek shelter back at the boathouse.  The fuzz is gonna start skimmin the ocean for kids breaking curfew, and they use harpoons…”

Merlot: “Sigh, I suppose I have to…”

Syrah: “Yeah you have to!  Have you ever been hit by one of them things?!  Come here, look at my leg, I’ll show you a scar…”

67Merlot: “Syrah, I do have to thank you for taking me out here today.  Well, not for the windsurfing thing.  That’s pretty silly considering there’s no waves out here, or wind…”

Syrah: “What are physics”

Merlot: “But I did enjoy the snorkeling.  There’s just something about the ocean that I really like.  Is there any way you can take me scuba diving tomorrow?”

68Syrah: “I don’t, uh, really like scuba divin’, bra.  I like the wind in my hair, the feel of the waves under my feet, not fish shit in my mouth, yanno…”

69Merlot: “Aw come on.  I think it’ll be nice.  Aren’t you supposed to show me around and help me do things here in these islands?  I’d like to see the coral reefs, check out underwater caves, and meet a mermaid!”

70Syrah: *Vomits*

Merlot: “OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE!  My dream isn’t THAT disturbing!”

71Merlot’s father had a hard time touring through the town.  Given any time when no one would watch his every move, he’d pull his fishing rod out of his butt and go to town.

Wulfric: “Wow, Masao really did have tadpoles.  This is the largest damn frog I’ve ever hooked in the eye…”

Frog: “Hello my baby hello my honey hello my ragtime gal”

72Wren preferred the resort after all she ended up doing for it, and didn’t bother staying the nights at her sister’s house.

Wren: “I did a damn good job on this swimming pool, why would I go to that straw hut my sister calls a house!”

Raven: “…I’m sitting right here you know.”

73Merlot: “-Remember, to breath in through your mouth and keep your neck up, or you’ll get water in your snorkel.  I realized that after about 25 minutes of drowning through mine.”

Syrah: “Yeah, and I look like a dork doing this.  If one more person stops by in a boat because I look like an oversized drowning butterfly, I’m gonna knock you in the head.”

So Merlot convinced Syrah to take him out on a scuba tour the following morning.

74Raven: “You know, we’ve had these rooms forever, but I’ve never bothered to see what’s inside of them.  Let’s see what my customers get to deal with!”

75Raven: “Nice.  A piece of paper for a pillow, and a false door painted on the back wall.  I see nothing wrong with this at all!”

No wonder there are no guests.

76Marlon: “Well, I think there’s something in this room that could make it a little more spicy… me and you, Rave ;)”

Wren: “What, NO.  My sister is in the next room overDON’T COME INTO MY ROOM WITH THAT… “THING” OUT, OMG RAVEN”

77And with that, Raven and Marlon had even less customers than they did before… something like negative 3.

78Wulfric: “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE THIS THING, THIS IS TORTURE, I CAN’T FEEL MY SOLES”

Marlon: “Oh just get out of my way!  Let me show you how a pro does it, Wulfric!”

79Marlon: “See?  Completely pro.”

Wulfric: “Dumbass, you turned the thing off.”

80Syrah: “And we call this the Floatin’ Rock, because the water’s so glassy that it looks like you can steer your ride right under the mountain!  Haha!  Don’t actually do it though, this is dad’s boat.”

81Merlot: “Oops”

Syrah: “DUDE, I TOLD YOU DON’T TRY TO DRIVE UNDER THE MOUNTAIN, HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO PLOW THREE FEET INTO THE SAND?!”

82Merlot: “Excuse me, lady!  My cousin’s taking me to a diving spot he knows, and I just want to get there as quick as possible.”

Woman: “You estúpido, boy”

83*Plows right through the foundation*

Merlot: “IT’S AN EMERGENCY”

Woman: “HEY LOCO, MI CASA AIN’T THE WALKING TRAIL”

84Syrah: “Yo bra, all you had to do was follow me up on the sidewalk”

Merlot: “JUST GET ME A CHISEL AND HAMMER BEFORE THIS WOMAN CALLS THE COPS”

85Syrah: “Before we do this, why do you even want to meet a mermaid, Mer?  They’re just smelly fish people that totally give surfer’s hard raps ‘n stuff.”

Merlot: “Because… I think it would be cool to learn more about them, maybe even become one, you see.  My mother’s a witch, and my little sister’s a budding witch, and being the normal one in the family kinda sucks.  Not counting dad.  Anyway, you wouldn’t know since you’re a fairy and all…”

Syrah: “I’m gonna run out of air and drown here while you’re dronin’ dude.  Just get your gear on and let’s go.”

86Syrah: “Now don’t get too far away from me, bra.  It’s easy to get sucked up in some wack current, and I’m not chasin’ after your fish chasin’ ass.”

Merlot: “Woowwww…..”

87Merlot: “This is AMAZING, Syrah!  Look at all of this!”

Syrah: “Yeah, it’s pretty pretty down here I suppose.”

88Merlot: “It’s so colorful!  I could get used to this, Syrah!  All the life down here is so exhilarating!”

89Merlot: “Look!  Upside down, backwards swimming fish!”

Syrah: “Yeah I wouldn’t touch them if I were you-”

90Merlot: “And, aw, a shark eating sand, how cute.”

Syrah: “Yeah, uh, DEFINITELY don’t touch that.”

91Merlot: “What?  What happened?  Why did you make us go back up?!”

Syrah: “You HAD to go near the dirt eating shark, didn’t you?!  You don’t go near a shark, bra!  Now come on, it’s late, let’s go back to the boat that you BEACHED, and go home for the day.”

Merlot: “AWWW.  Fine.”

92Merlot: “Come on, I think the boat was on this island in this direction.”

Syrah: “Yeah it is… wait, DON’T”

93Syrah and Merlot called it a night, however, on the other side of town, Wulfric snapped his line on a parking meter while fishing in town.  He got a fine.  Upset, he went to a large in-town resort just because they had a sushi bar.

Chianti: “There you are, dad.  I saw the van parked outside, and mom’s mad because you’re here and not at the No Seasons.”

Wulfric: “Oh yeah, I forgot your mother could read minds.  Well, maybe if my brother’s resort had a sushi bar, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

94Chianti: “You’ll have to take it up with mom.  Can I get a bite to eat while I’m here though?”

Wulfric: “Sorry, I don’t think so.  I don’t think it matters that you’re my kid or not, you aren’t signed into the hotel so they won’t let you.  And you can’t sign in yourself, because you’re just a kid so…”

Chianti: “So… you can’t sign me in yourself dad?  WOW cool thanks, I’m sure mom’s gonna love to hear that.”

95Chianti: “It’s ok, I used to be able to spawn apples, back during testing, when I was actually older, and actually a boy when we were home in Starlight.  So good news, I won’t starve to death.”

Wulfric: “Wow, a heated pool and everything!  A shame, all these joys the resort won’t let you experience, Chi.”

96Wulfric: “You have to do this for me, please lady!  She’s my daughter, I mean, is there anything I can do?”

Lobbyist: “It’s out of our hands, sir, she didn’t come in with you so no she can’t do anything.  Here, to make up for any confusion we’ve given you, have some brochures about hidden islands that we keep up here for stupid tourists, I MEAN, adventure seekers.”

Chianti: “They won’t even let me touch their food bar.  I just wanted a veggie roll, you know, is that too hard to ask.”

Wulfric: “Chianti!  New plan, we are going island hunting!  Let’s go!”

Chianti: “Wait, what?”

97Wulfric: “Let’s go!  We are going to find our own island, where we can do whatever we want on it!  We don’t need this resort, when we have our own resources now!”

Chianti: “It would be a lot easier if you remember that we have our own resort, dad.  Dad??”

98Chianti: “WOW, he drove off and left me, what a father.”

99Wulfric: “Please, Wise Woman of the Hill.  Tell me all you know about the mysterious Island in the Mist.”

Margarita: “How did you get into my house?!  It’s four in the morning, I’ve called the cops and they are already here!”

100Meanwhile, at the resort:

Marlon: “Should you really be playing in sand outside of the 3-in-1 bathroom?!  That’s nasty, Wren!  It’s leaking for shit’s sake.”

101Raven: “The resort is going swimmingly, I feel we are going to get a customer any day now.  But what can we do to really make this place stand out from the hunky junk resorts in town…”

102And so Wren did some touch ups and landscaping on the parameter.  The No Seasons got it’s very own balanced rock tower, a behemoth of 7-ton boulders stacked precariously four stories high!  Surely that’s safe.

103Raven: “I thank you, Wren, for helping me spoof up the place!  I knew inviting you this year was going to save the family resort!  Now you can go home now :D”

Wren: “What??”

104Darin Dick: “This really isn’t in my job description.  I really should have taken that offer up with La Coasta Verde.  I hear they only have to wear a shirt and shorts for their job…”

Wren: “Just stop your belly aching and start working on the west wall.  We’re building a fort unlike anyone has ever seen!”

105Darin Dick: “Heeey, what do you know!?  This is actually really fun!”

This is the face of a man who has temporarily forgot suffering.

106But the fruits of their efforts payed off, and soon, they got a few customers to stay at the No Seasons!

107Wren: “Maybe I should have taken off my stockings before running across this thing! Fire is creeping up my legs!”

108Wulfric: “Alright, I’ve done everything Margarita told me to do, and the science building kinda made fun of me.  They told me to go walk on some hot coals.”

Chianti: “Well I guess that means they’re telling you to get lost, dad.  Come on, we can just take you fishing at a mountain stream or somethi-”

Wulfric: “No, it means that I have to go walk on hot coals!  It’s to prove that I am tough enough to find the mystery island!  That’s the only thing it could possibly mean!”

109Chianti: “Dad, you seriously aren’t going to hurt yourself for an island map, are you?!”

Wulfric: “I’m not going to hurt myself, Chi!  There’s a science to this and it’s going to keep me perfectly safe.”

110Wulfric: “See?  Not a challenge at all anymore since I did this yesterday morning!”

Chianti: “Yeah, you really learned from Uncle Marlon.  Learned how to turn the coals down, that is.”

111Wulfric: “Yep, I survived the coals and I’m back!  So do I get that map now? … What’s that?  You want me to fight a shark now?  Well… I suppose if I have no choice then I have no choice.”

Chianti: “DAD”

112Merlot: “Do you see any mermaids yet, Syrah?”

Syrah: “Shark!  SHARK!”

Merlot: “That Racket guy?  He’s a mermaid now?”

113Syrah: *Makes magical fairy pee all over himself* “Actually it’s just regular pee, I just hope the shark doesn’t smell the fear in it…”

Merlot: “Hey, a cave!  I bet there are tons of mermaids hanging out here!”

114*POP*

Merlot: “WHAT?!  WHAT HAPPENED?!  Why did we reset on the beach?!”

Valerie: “The question is why did everyone reset on the beach?  Even this mermaid got booted from the water.”

115Syrah: “Wait!  This dude’s a mermaid?!  Where’s his fins?!  He don’t have any scales!”

Merlot: “Obviously you need to be educated, ma’am.  That’s a vampire if I’ve ever saw one.”

Triton: “Nope, I’m the king of the sea, King Triton King, at your service!  I’m the leader of this town’s band of mermaids!! *Skinny little skin-legs being all… people legs FUCKING A*

116Merlot: “You make one stupid looking fish man, but the pleasure is all mine, Mr. King!”

Triton: “Thank… you.”

Syrah: “Haha, he’s the dumbest looking mermaid I’ve ever seen!”

Valerie: “That’s very unkind, young man.”

117Syrah: “And he’s so little!  What do you see in this poser anyway, baby?!”

Triton: “Hey!  The water is just cold!  Tell him, Valerie!”

Valerie: “I’m not getting into this.”

NEXT TIME: Will Triton return to the sea as the majestic man-fish or is he just some vampire poser in swim trucks?  Are all my mermaids like this?  Will Wulfric have to go through fighting a shark or will he realize that the science facility is just making excuses to get rid of him?  Find out next time on TOTAL DRAMA ISLAN-on wait.

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 3 Comments

Island Paradise: Surf and Sailing

Hello once again everyone!!

I know I haven’t updated lately, but you know what I haven’t done even longer than that?  I haven’t gotten a new EP in a while, in over a year actually!  I have been thinking about getting one for a while, and I finally think I have settled on a good one: I’m going to try Island Paradise!

I know it’s not the newest, and you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, “Sabrina, that EP is so 2013, everyone has it and Into the Future is where it’s at right now!”  And to that I say, “Well… yeah but… mermaids.”

So without further ado, we turn it over to our test family before we turn it over to our legacy families, as we journey through Isla Paradiso.

1Everything here is so beautiful and clean looking, unaware of the filthy data I’m about to shove through it.  So exotic you can almost smell the warm sunshine and feel the salt on your face.

After our last EP test, Wren and Raven adapted to lives as a fairy and a witch.  They grew up and eventually met and married their husbands, Marlon and Wulfric, brothers born to Liam O’Dourke and Cycl0n3 Sw0rd.  Raven and Marlon moved to Isla Paradiso soon after marriage, and adapted to island life.  Wren and Wulfric stayed in Starlight Shores, and had two children, a young witch daughter and a normal son.  Eider, the girls’ younger cousin, would go on and start a multi-billion dollar industry in anti-zombie warfare and government exploitation, and would later become the first werewolf on a space station in deep space.

Every year for the summer, Wren and Wulfric take the family to Eider’s mass estate for holiday, but this year is different…

2A rented van putters through one of the islands of Isla Paradiso.  They don’t know which island it is, or if it’s even the right one.  A group of stupid teenagers stole all their baggage at the airport, including the map and cellphones.  They have been driving in circles for hours and are starting to get a little scared that they are in Farcry 3 instead of the calm and placid sims EP they are supposed to be in.

3Merlot: “Why again can’t we go see Uncle Eider this year?”

Wulfric: “For the eighth time, son.  Eider has got to stay in deep space this year to deal with the oncoming Reaper threat.  We are going to spend sometime with Uncle Marlon, Aunt Raven, and Syrah.  You guys haven’t been here in five years, and it would be nice to actually have a traditional summer vacation on earth.”

Chianti: “I don’t exactly recall this place, father.  Why on earth would we go to some remote “pirate sanctuary” for a vacation anyway?”

Wulfric: “That’s something you’ll have to ask your mother.”

4Wren: “It’s nothing like the Pirates of the Caribbean that you saw on the flight here, my little witchling.  It’s a good resort archipelago that does good, and mostly legal, business with mainland tourists.  Trust me, it’s not some pirate sanctuary, unlike that cheap hunk of rock, Barnacle Bay.”

Chianti: “I still don’t think this is going to be a good holiday.  Too many trees around, harboring wild beasts and guerrilla fighters, and all this humidity is making me stick to my seat!”

Wren: “No sweetie, I can promise, that’s just this cheap rental van.  I’ve kinda been sinking through this fake leather since I sat in this thing.”

5Wulfric: “Welp!  We’re here!  I see there place hasn’t changed a bit since we were last here.  Go figure my lazy brother wouldn’t fix this place up proper.”

Wren: “Not everyone can afford to live in a spacecraft or a hover manor, dear!  Please behave with your brother this month, ok?”

6Merlot: “I would also like to thank you two for picking out the best rental van your money could buy, mom!  After my PSVita fell through the hole that is the missing floorboard, I at least had the busted exhaust fumes to dope me up for entertainment!  Fantastic trip already!”

Wren: “It was the last four door vehicle they had on lot, son.  And if you keep being a smartass with me this summer, I am not turned off from the idea of putting a sleeping curse on my own son for the rest of the month.”

7Raven: “Wreeeeen!  There you are, we’ve been expecting you for hours!  We also expected you to come up from the other way, since it’s only ten minutes from the airport from the far end of the street here.”

Wren: “I, eh, we went on a scenery trip first.  Hadn’t been here for a while, just looked around.  Don’t worry about it anymore, we’re here now, Raven!  How have you been, sister?”

8Raven: “How have you been doin’ mah sister from another mister!”

Wren: “Ah yes, but we were from the same mister, Raven.  Our father was the same, as is our mother, we are all children of our Earth, and our father is the embrace of the Universe.”

Raven: “Why do you always have to get technical and weird with me, Wren?”

9Wren: “You remember my daughter, Chianti, right Raven?  I know you haven’t seen her since she was a baby, but she’s also a witch, and she’s very smart.”

Chianti: “Hello, Aunt Raven, sister from another Father of Time and Mother of our Gaia, first rule of Fight Club is that we do not mention Fight Club to other people.”

Raven: “Um.”

Wren: “I told you not to try to shaka bra to Aunt Rave-oh forget it.  Just go upstairs and unpack your suitcase.”

10Marlon: “I’m glad to see you made it okay, bro.  I’m also glad to see you made it here alright too, Merlot!  You remember your ole’ Uncle Marlon right?”

Merlot: “Yeah, Uncle Marlon I remember you, blablablabla, now that I’ve said hey, can I go get my Xbox out of the car, dad?”

Wulfric: “I told you I didn’t even want you to pack that thing!  Just, no, Merlot.  You are here to spend time with your family, and you aren’t leaving me here alone with your Uncle Marlon.”

Marlon: “Don’t worry, Merlot.  I’m sure Syrah is around here somewhere, and you two can hang out.  He’s been looking forward to your visit all week.”

11Marlot: “Oh please don’t let Syrah actually be here today…”

Wulfric: “Ignore him, I’m going to have a talk with him later about being a rude little prick anyway.  Let’s talk about what’s really important here today, brother.  Your island is still a top-of-the-notch fishing destination, correct?”

Marlot: “Well, we did have a massive oil spill two years ago that destroyed a majority of our coral reefs, but we’ve managed to hold on to about 10% of our species and their population.”

Wulfric: “Magnificent!  I’ll get my fishing rods out of the van!”

12Raven: “Since you were last here, we’ve managed to purchase our own boat house as our secondary home!  We recently got the engine fixed through, so sometime later, we’d love to take you out for a ride on it.”

Chianti: “You really don’t expect me to roll down this cliff to get to that thing, do you?”

Raven: “Oh no, you don’t have to worry about that.  The boys are going to go down and check it out.  I’m taking you to our little resort me and your Uncle Marlon run in the meanwhile!”

13Wulfric: “You really should put a railing and some stairs down to this place, Marlon.  I don’t like falling off ledges like that.”

Marlon: “Ah, some dirt in your mouth builds character, bro.  Anyway, this is our boat house, we spend more time in the main house, but you guys are welcome to stay here during your visit.  Look around, make yourselves at home, I have to go to work now though.  People around going to save themselves from drowning around here, haha!”

14Marlot: “Why is it so loud in here?!  Wait… oh no.”

15Syrah: “Merlot!  How’s it hangin’, bra?!”

Merlot: “Ugh.  Hey Syrah.”

Syrah: “I’m so stoked you’re here, man!  This is gonna be one bitchin’ summer already, I can feel it!”

16Meanwhile across town, the girls arrived at Raven’s and Marlon’s resort that they purchased with the insurance money Raven got when her mother was killed in a freak pizza delivery accident.  They called it the No Seasons, because Four Seasons was already taken, but mostly because of the absence of a certain weather related EP.

Raven: “Hey Darin!  How’s business been going today?”

Darin: “Well we almost got a customer!  Someone actually walked by the resort, and I tried to entice him in by running out and crying, holding onto his leg and screaming ‘please don’t go, we need business!’  I think it went well, he only kicked me in the face once and didn’t run away as fast as the last guy!”

Raven: “That’s fantastic!  We are going to get this place off the ground in no time with that kind of upbeat optimism!”

Wren: “How do you even pay anyone?!”

17Wren: “Well, you do have a lovely spot on the island!  The water is nice and warm, and with a little better upkeep, you can have this place bustling in no ti-”

Raven: “WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A DING DANGLY MINUTE!  What was our desk clerk’s name again, I just fracking noticed it!”

Wren: “What”

18Darin Dick: “Yes, everyone has to point out my name tag.  Now that I think about it, maybe that’s what’s driving everyone away.  I wouldn’t want to take a hotel room from someone named Darin Dick.”

You poor man.

19Raven: “I see you still haven’t discovered the usefulness of a razor, sister.”

Wren: “There’s nothing wrong with embracing the naturalness of the body you were given.  Embrace it, and thank the mother earth everyday for this natural coat of winter protection.”

Raven: “It’s the middle of fracking July, Wren.”

20Wulfric: “Alright, young man.  I have to lay some ground rules down.  We are on vacation, so no electronics, no video games, no computers.  You have to spend time with your family, and spend some time with Syrah.”

Merlot: “This is bull hockey.  I didn’t even sign up for this junk.”

21Syrah: “Don’t freak, Uncle Wolf.  Me ‘n Merlot’s gonna have a banging good time!  I’m gonna show him around the island, introduce him to some of my beach bunny buddies, and he’s gonna have a bossin’ good time!”

Wulfric: “See, Syrah’s gonna be with you.  You are going to be fine with him.  Now, I’m going to go fishing, and you two have a good time.  Stay out of trouble, and don’t get lost, because the locals don’t speak english around here and probably can’t help you.”

Merlot: “Dad, no one speaks english.  We only know simlish in these countries.”

Wulfric: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”

23Wulfric, the ever amateur fisher that he is, apparently believes that the best way to attract his quarry is to violently splash around on the beach and scare them all off.

Wulfric: “Actually no, I’m thrashing around, attracting the attention of the curious fish, making them think one of their friends are hurt.  They will arrive with med-packs, and then BAM, instant fish hook.”

How does he not have his own fishing show on the hunting channel.

24Chianti: “Mom ended up sending me out with dad to keep an eye on him.  Apparently he tends to get into trouble when he’s alone.”

Ghost: “I once got into trouble here a few years ago.  Now I suffer forever for it.”

Chianti: “What, go away ghost, what are you even doing out here?  What do you think this is, Moonlight Falls?!  Jeesh.”

25Wulfric: “You didn’t have to snap at him, you know, sweetheart.”

Chianti: “Hush it, dad.  I’m doing my yoga now.  I can’t keep my magical chakras in check if you and some blubbering dead guy keep chattering in my ear.”

Ghost: *Is outie*

26Syrah: “You’re gonna love this, bro.  The boat house actually leaves port, in we’re gonna go all out today!  I’m gonna show you some choice surfin’ spots, and tomorrow, we’re getting up and chasing waves!”

Merlot: “Yeaaaah… about that.  Do you think you should be moving your parent’s house boat out of port and all?  I don’t think you should be taking this thing anywhere.”

Syrah: “Don’t sweat it, dude!  I’ve been driving this thing around since I was 10!  You don’t even need a license or anything to take this baby out.  Who needs a car really when ya got this babe!”

27Merlot: “That’s cool and all, but maybe you shouldn’t take up the whole bay with this thing?  I mean, we got a speedboat coming in on us really fast…”

Syrah: “Once again, don’t sweat it!  She’s got plenty of breathin’ room starboard side, she can squeeze on by just fine.”

28Merlot: “Oh GOD!  SHE’S GOING TO SMASH INTO THAT BOAT HOUSE!  SYRAH DO SOMETHING”

Syrah: “DUDE!  Calm your tits!  She’s still got plenty of space to get on b-LET GO OF THE STEERING WHEEL THERE’S NOTHIN’ WE’RE GONNA DO”

29Merlot: “SHE SPUN OUT!  SHE’S TAKING ON WATER!  CALL THE COASTGUARD, THROW A LIFERAFT!”

Syrah: “You’re dad was right.  You really are a dweeb, Merlot.”

30Merlot: “OMYGAD OMYGAD oh man ok, she righted herself, she’s going on around, I just, I need a paper bag to breath in.”

Syrah: “You really don’t know anything about boating, do ya, Mer?  Here’s the dealio, go take a sip of dad’s rum he’s got chillin’ at the bar, and sit and chillax for a bit on the deck, I’ll call you when we reach the other side of the island, mmk?”

31Merlot: “Want me to pour you one too?  I’m making my very own special mix: hard cider with cherry Koolaid mix!”

Syrah: “Being as I don’t need to beach this house, I think I’m going to pass, but have fun with that, bro.”

32Meanwhile, the sisters continue to hang out at the beach and get better acquainted.  They also learn at how bad the resort’s condition has degraded.

33Masao: “Wow what a loser.  Obviously a tourist, HEY LADY, COOL PEOPLE DON’T WALK AROUND WITH A LIFE VEST ON, SHOW SOME TIT”

Honey: “Silly inland dweller, got a pair of monkey feet to go with them gorilla legs?  Hahaha!”

Wren: “Looks like someone’s messing with the wrong gorilla girl.”

Don’t Wren, they’re customers.

34Honey: “What did you do to me?!  I’m with child!  If I find out you messed with my soon to be fetus I’m going to give this resort such a low score…”

Masao: “How low can you go though, right dear HAHAHA, please don’t kill us D:”

Wren: “Chidus Typhinius, make these losers amphibious!”

And so, the resort lost what little score they had, thanks to Wren.

35Syrah: “Hmmm, this area is new to me, I think it’s called Virmire, and I wonder what killer cool crabs we’re gonna run into out here!”

Meanwhile, Syrah let his adventurous streak get the better of him, and instead of going to port before nightfall, he got a little distracted offshore…

36Merlot: *Sobs* “Stupid fancy vacation, stupid *HIC* tropical islands, stupid Syrah, stupid *HIC* everything!  And stupid hot dogs!  Why can’t you actually cook right?!”

Maybe because the grill isn’t on?  Merlot go to sleep, you’re drunk.

37Wulfric: “Four minnows and a tuna into this, I think I’m finally starting to understand fishing!  Especially now that I mastered the art of standing on the water, I will soon be this ocean’s biggest predator!”

Chianti: “Dad, it’s been 7 hours.  I JUST wanted to go parasailing!”

38Their first night drifted on in Isla Paradiso.  Raven and Wren stayed the night at No Seasons, and Chianti gave up and went back to the house, leaving her father to be weird on the beach.  Crime ran rampant that night, resulting in all the coast guard boats to be stolen in an inside job.

Bernardo: “But crime will not prevail, for justice never sleeps!  We will continue to serve our town, boats or no boats!”

And no laws of physics either.

39Merlot: “Zzzzmmmph, ugh, my head hurts.  Where am I… this isn’t my bedroom… oh that’s right, the boat house.  Mmmpf, really, where am I though?”

40Merlot: “Syrah?!  SYRAH?!  Where are you?!  Where are WE?!  I can’t see a thing out here!”

41Syrah: “Toot toot, we’ve reached our destination, bro!  The perfect spot for the perfect surf!  Who’s ready to catch some gnarly waves?!”

Merlot: “SYRAH!  Where ARE we?!  We can’t see a thing out here, do you even know where we ARE?!”

Syrah: “Well, last night after you started throwing raw hot dogs into the ocean, and drunkenly insulting the fish, you passed out and I decided to take a tour around a really cool island I found.  And so, we are HERE!”

42To be fair, I don’t really know why they are out here either.

This is NOT really where I told you to go, guys!

43Merlot: “Syrah, please!  We have to go back!  We are going to get into so much trouble for taking this thing out in the middle of open ocean like this!  Can’t we just forget about all this and I’ll just let you play Jet Ski Racing on my GBA!”

Syrah: “I will agree, it’s not as windy as I thought it’d be.  Which is a real bummer, so maybe the surf isn’t killer like I thought…”

Merlot: “I could care LESS about the surf, Syrah!  I just want to get this thing back to land before our parents notice we’re gone!”

44Syrah: “Mer, please, don’t have a cow.  I’ve done this a buncha times, my parents don’t mind, and I’m sure you’re parents are gonna be cool with this!  Besides, we still see the northern coasts from here, so we’re all good!  Now get your doggers on and let’s go hit some surf!”

45Merlot: “I don’t want to surf though!  Just take me on shore, you can just leave me there, and go surfing all you want, I just want to go home and sleep until this vacation is over.”

Syrah: “Dude, you really are being a bummer right now.  Look, a couple of waves with me, and I’ll take ya back to the beach.  Fair enough?  Fair enough.”

46Merlot: “Don’t IGNORE me and jump in the ocean when I’m talking to you!  SYRAH!  You’re going to get me killed out here!”

Syrah: “That’s junk, bro!  The water is safe, and you’re safe with me, just jump in!”

47Pictured above: Not safe.

Merlot: *Pretty damn dead*

Syrah: *Pretty dead too, didn’t think that through at all, did ya, Syrah*

48Syrah: “Just lean into the wind, and let the board do the rest!  When I’m done with you, you’re gonna be the most natural damn newbie in the waters!”

Merlot: *Grips through the sail, tearing it probably* “I’m not all to sure about this, Syrah…”

49Meanwhile, Marlon has quite possibly one of the slowest jobs out there.

Marlon: “I guess for such a remote island town, everyone here’s pretty good at swimming, you know?”

50Marlon: “That, and no one is really here today.”

Are you sure you went to the right beach, Marlon?

51Syrah: “Where’d he go?  Don’t tell me Mer already wiped out.  Dude!  Where’d you go?!”

52Merlot: “Glub glub glub!”

Syrah: “Seriously?!  You gave up on surfing, bro?  BRO, surfing is life!”

Merlot: “GLUB GLUB!”

Syrah: “FINE.  You don’t have to surf, be a kook, see if I care.  Just snorkle around until I get back, I’M actually going to go out and enjoy this calm… boring water.  Lates.”

53Merlot: “Thought he’d never leave.  That windsurfing mess was killing my knees.  At least in the water it’s nice and calm.  I really like this.  This is really… peaceful.”

54Honey: “I have this really poor suspicion that something is wrong with this resort, Masao.  Like there’s something in the water or the beds have sand fleas… I don’t know, but that witch bitch is giving me the chills.”

Masao: “Well we did make fun of her all last night, so I’m sure she’s just angry.  Let her be weird dear, and help me finish this burger.  These flies aren’t going to finish it all off for me.  Mmmm, flies…”

Next time: Will Syrah and Merlot learn to get along while out in the open water?  Will Wren stop scaring off Raven’s customers at the resort?  Will Darin Dick stop scaring customers off at the resort?  Will Honey and Masao have tadpoles?  Find out next time, whenever that’ll be!

 

 

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 7 Comments

The Triple Legacy Spooktacular Part 1

Check it out, long time no see, on this blog anyway.  I haven’t updated in 100 years!! (10 months) This is not a legacy update, per se, but instead, it’s a Halloween special, just like I had a couple years back!  I thought that thing needed a sequel, as all good things need sequels!  Lots and lots of sequels.  Sequels make the best movies.

This three part special will involve all my legacies up to date, and took almost two years planning (but only 4 days of actual work, heh, lame) None the less, sit back and I hope you enjoy this 3 part special that was almost 2spooky for theaters!

1It takes place on a small, isolate stretch fall off in the hills.  Probably near Moonlight Falls.  Nowhere near Midnight Hollow because that would be too damn nice.

2“I think everything’s set for this party.  Maybe it won’t be as much of a failure like it was the last time.  Honestly.  Who drives a Dodge through a living room?  Barbarians.”

3“Ick, the guests should be arriving soon.  No crazies at this party this year, and nothing too important for them to destroy.  Not a hair out of place, everything in it’s proper location, though I will say this corset is crushing my left boob.”

4“Oh what if I put out too many pumpkins?  This is too many damn pumpkins.  Is this why I don’t hold parties on a regular basis?”

“Yo, is this the Halloween Beach party?!  You’re Sabrina, right?”

5“Ah, and you must be Gengar!  How is the Rainbowcy going?”

“Well, Shane’s actually a hard man to track down and spend time with.”

“Fantastic!  I think your costume is really nice!  Skeletons are always in fashion!”

6“It wasn’t my first outfit of choice actually!  I had something else in mind, something much cooler!  But when I tried to get it, shit went down!  I think that damn outfit may have even caused all of Hidden Springs to want to disappear right off the map!  “Missing expansion pack data” my ass!  That’s the last time I order something off Ebay with less than 95% recommendation.”

“I am sorry to hear that.  Please enjoy the party though!”

7“I swear if you lead me into the wrong person’s yard again and get us cussed out, I’m going to leave you here when I go back to Hidden Springs.  I’ll even ship your stupid little wife and kid here to stay with you.  Or I may just bake them into a pie, I don’t care which.”

“I promise!  The GPS has got it this time, I know we are at the right place this go around!”

“Ah, you two must be here for my party!”

8“You’re Sabrina?  Cool.  This party doesn’t cost me anything right?  Because I’m not paying anyway.  We’ve come all this way for a free party, you hear?”

“I’m sure the party is free, Jealousy.  It would have listed a price or something on the invitations if it weren’t, you know?”

“Shut the hell up, Happiness.  What I don’t get is why have a party out here in the middle of an abandoned beach on short term.  Explain that to me, simself woman, because it would be just as easy to have one in my backyard.”

9“Trust me, the beach is the safest place.  No houses to burn down, nothing to break, and no one is around to question what we are doing here.  Isolation is good.  I know it’s no Isla Paradiso like you probably want, but it does the job.”

“Fine, I’ll buy that.  It’s the only thing I’m buying.  That buffet table better have a mini bar.  This fucking dress is chaffing my armpit.”

10“By the way, I think someone’s glitching out on their way to your party, or someone got over excited with the body paint.”

11“Bear?  Is that you?!  I don’t think I’ve seen a toy soldier outfit as dedicated as yours is!”

“Huh?  We’ll I try ‘ta be a lil’ professional, I guess yew can say…”

12“I saw that much green from down the street and I had a horrible flashback to when your mother was at the last party.  Never have I ever seen so much green worn on such a skank before.  But there’s no way you’re anything like Bella, ha ha ha!  Well I wouldn’t really mind if you wore a little something that was a little revealing, if you don’t mind me saying…”

13“Ah, yew ain’t gotta worry about that.  I think my niece has the “revealing” part down fur us.”

“You gotta be kidding me.”

14“Playboy bunny in the house!  Haha!  Sorry, this outfit wus a lil’ las’ minute, I found it in a trunk of great grandmam’s titled “Bella’s Fun-fits”, an’ I swear, I wore more clothin’ that one time I went streakin’ through my school’s cafeteria in nothin’ but ‘uh napkin than wut I’m wearin’ now!  But ya’ll gotta admit, I’m a damn fine chunka cheese in this git-up!”

15“You’re a chunk of something, that’s for damn sure.”

“It’s alright, if I stand over here ‘n stare inna’ space long enough, I can almost block out what my niece is sayin’.”

16“This is YOUR fault, Youtube!  If this damn computer would have that damn Seasons expansion installed, we could have a decent Spooky day celebration and a decent fall seasons than this half ass holiday rendition!”

“How the hell is that MY fault, Facebook?!  We just test the EPs, we don’t actually have anything do to with how they get on here!”

“Like hell you do!  You’re the computer nerd in the family, so why haven’t you gotten that fixed already?”

17“What the hell is going on over here with you two?!”

“Facebook is saying your party sucks wienie.”

“I did not say anything of the sort.  Stop twisting my words, Youtube, you douche sack.  I said that this party sucks balls, and those are two different parts of the body.”

18“Mmhmm.  So what are you two supposed to be?”

“Well I am Link, hero of time, savior of Hyrule and the Princess Zelda!  And I think my brother is supposed to be some sort of gay cowboy.”

“Aw come on!  You know exactly what I’m supposed to be!  I’m a member of the scouting legion from Attack on Titan!  Remember, I at least got you to watch the show with me!”

“Yeah, I wasn’t watching it, when you had it on.  I was too busy touching myself to Zelda nudes on my smartphone while you were playing that stuff.”

“What?!  DUDE!  I was RIGHT there!”

19“The party doesn’t start until I pop every single one of these balloons!  Bwahaha!  There had better be some good rupees hidden in these things!”

“For someone who seems really keen on being Link for Halloween, nice sandals.”

“It’s a beach party you green asshole!  Link can be environmentally stylish too!”

20*Proceeds to wipe boogers on the balloons*

“Aw, cut that out you nasty freak!  Balloons aren’t cheap!”

“If anything, you go wipe that mess on Happiness, like the hunk of garbage that he is!”

“Heeyy…”

21“Aw, crap, my paint’s starting to crack off!  I don’t need this stuff to peel off so quickly, I have to go the rest of the night with this stuff on!”

“Well I’m fairly certain it will stay on a little better if you don’t bend your elbow at such an unnatural angle.  Just a tidbit that might be helpful, you know.”

22“Yo, are we going to shoot these fireworks off or not?  Because I got to say, if we don’t, I’m probably going to steal at least one of them.  Or all of them.  They don’t look like they are worth a lot.  So I want them.”

“I’m not sure what to respond with for that.”

23“Ah, sure we can, um… light these things… I don’t really like fireworks, I don’t really like loud flashy things at all really, um…” *Sets dress hem on fire*

24“Uaaah!  Out of my way!  And you!  Go wash your hands already!”

“Fine!  I’m cleaning my hands off now”

“Wiping them on your pants doesn’t count, you dumbass.”

25“Tell me when it’s over!  UGH!  Tell me when the loud noises are over!”

“DOES THIS MEAN THE FIREWORKS ARE GOING TO BE BAD?!”

“I think they are just regular fireworks, you green twit.  Calm your shit.”

26“I thought they were supposed to be little pumpkin fireworks.  I don’t know what that’s supposed to be.”

“Maybe it’s an albino pumpkin.”

“Probably.”

27“Now that that nightmare is over, let’s get down to the fun part, shall we!  Everyone line up!  We are going to take a trip through the Spooky House!  Everyone on board?!”

“I guess.  It’s not a Halloween without a haunted house tour after all.”

28“Welcome to the Old Moonlight Falls Mausoleum.  It was built in 1788, but abandoned soon after, because they say it was built on cursed land.  Legend goes that the bodies here were not laid to rest properly, and at night, when you walk the beach, you can still hear their cries for a proper resting place.”

29Now we are getting somewhere!  This is the party I was hoping this party would be!”

“Actually I’m uncomfortable with this.  If this place is really that old, how safe is this going to be?”

“Don’t be a lameass, Bear.”

30“Trust me, you are with me, and I can reassure you that this is the safest place in the county!  This mausoleum was built with a sturdy, multilevel basement, with indestructible steel walls.  This place is absolutely perfect.”

31“Once we get inside, you will all see what horrors await you.  I will seal you all up, nice and tight, and that’s when the real fun begins for me.”

32“For all of us, I mean!  Of course, you know, hahaha!”

33“If you can call it fun for you…”

“Huh?  What was that?”

“Nothing Happiness…”

34“Wait, something’s a little odd about this…”

“Come on, Happiness.  You’re thinking too hard.”

“I guess.”

35“Well, where’s the horror?  All I see is an empty doorway and some stairs.”

“You have to be patient, Jealousy…”

36“The horror is down the bottom of the stairs.  Follow me.”

37“Oh shit, son.  I donno’ bout you guys, but that stairwell looks dark as sin.  This is nawtta’ gud idea at all.”

“You gonna be ok, Bear?  You aren’t scared of ghosts are you?”

“Him?  Scared of ghosts?  I donno’ bout yew, genie boy, but if there’s one thing mah Unca’ Bear ain’t scared of, it’s some ghosts.  That’s fur damn sure.”

38“Well, I’m not waiting around for you pansies to make up your minds on whether or not you’re going through this haunted house or not.  I’m getting my damn money’s worth if it’s the last thing I do at this stupid party.”

“We didn’t spend money at this party, for the last time, Jealousy.”

“Can’t you shut the hell up for one minute, Happiness?”

39“Alright, we all made it down here.  That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“I don’t know guys.  This doesn’t look like a mausoleum to me.  More like an old busted warehouse?”

40“Yeah, this has storage building written all over it.”

“No Happiness, this is more of some sort of bomb shelter.  But who would build a bomb shelter on a beach?”

“Perhaps a bit of both?  Maybe all three?  A mausoleum-bunker-warehouse doesn’t sound that bad of an idea for a business, maybe!”

41“It’s old, it’s grimy, and this sea air is making my underwear moist!  This was the lamest haunted house tour I’ve ever been on!  Nice try Sabrina, but it wasn’t a nice try!  Try not to be so lame next year, why don’t you?!”

42Why… I’ll be sure to tell Sabrina that the next time I see her…

“WHOA, that creeped me the fuck out.  Hah… ha ha.  That was a good one Sabrina.  Don’t do that again.”

“Facebook, let go of my arm.  It was just some weird trick she did with her voice, that was all!  But why do I feel like there’s ice running down my spine all of a sudden…”

43

You brainless peons really are more pathetic than you look, really.  I don’t even see why Sabrina even bothers to pay so much attention to you fucks.  Honestly, I’ve never wasted so much time to deal with a bunch of people who waste so much time.

“What are you even talking about?  That was quite hurtful, you know.  You don’t have to talk to us like that.”

“Happiness is right, that was a little out of line.  If you are trying to scare us, it’s not really working.  Now come on, Sabrina.  Let’s do this haunted house thing or let’s go home, ok?”

44

Haven’t you idiots figured it out, by now?!  I’m not Sabrina, I never was!

“Yeah yeah.  If you aren’t her, then who are you, “Oh, Mysterious One”?”

45If you are so curious, allow me to show you who I really am!”

“Whoa this is a pretty good effect actually.”

46Fool!  This is no effect!  Behold, I am your bringer of Death…

47“For it is I!”

“I?”

“Yes, I.”

TO BE CONTINUED ON THE FISBI.

Posted in Non Prettacy Extra | 18 Comments

The Last Huzzah

Hello everyone!  Christmas is coming up and with that I present my gift to you all: the end of The Southern Prettacy!  Twenty two months, 132 chapters, thousands of photos, countless glitches and several reinstalls to get to this point… the best looking sims I could do at the end of ten generations from Leroy.

At least I got this finished before the end of the world tomorrow.  And with that, here is our  Secksie family for the last time in this legacy.

Starting off with Skehrer and her wife Sidney, who’s son you got to meet last chapter.  This chapter, they start down the long road of divorce, and by the time the legacy ended, I had no idea where either of them were.  They kinda just up and vanished.  Some say that they were both eaten by the monster in the abandoned mine shaft out of town, some say the fighting between the two got a little rough, some say they got impatient for Seasons, tried swimming in the river and it didn’t end well.

Only in Twinbrook can a woman marry his son.  Rochelle and Garett finally took that step in their lives…

Maybe they won’t breed, considering five minutes into their marriage, they started fighting in public places.

Sacha is having a Lenny baby, but we won’t be around long enough to see it, because we are turning over to the Secksie house now.

“HUFGH COURFH I DOUFH DIFF considering I’m a ghost and can just go through things, what is this”

“Yew ready fur some hardcore rock ‘n roll?!”

“At four in the mawnin’?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Let’s fuck sum shit up.”

Ice cream truck: “Hey guys!  I heard you singing and thought I could chime in!  I’d love to join your group guys!  I can play “Little Teapot” while you rock out to Aerosmith, it will be great!  Guys?  Guys?  Anyone want ice cream?”

Their neighbors must love them.

“I’m so happy to have a friend in you, cowplant.  It’s like you understand me so much better than anyone else in this house.”

“I understand you because I probably know what you taste like.  You seem to take so much after your mother.”

If they could be, these two would be BFFs.

And then the adults went on a free vacation, leaving all the kids alone!  What will the kids do now with the parents at bay?

They did ABSOLUTELY nothing of importance, other than Eagle getting lucky with someone’s trashcan.

“Oh baby…”

Ok, maybe not, moving on

The very first night, they threw a teen party in the front yard…

And the party wasn’t even on for three minutes when someone called the cops D:

“Dammit, I thought the neighborhood loved us…”

I’m sure they loved your collaboration with the singing ice cream truck at four in the morning too.

“Yo guys, I know yall jus’ gawt here, but yall gotta go, quick!  Someone ratted on us!  Run!  Jump in the bushes!  Hide behind the ole’ moonshine still in the woods, I don’t care, just scat!”

“Damn, that’s a bummer, we just got here!”

“Run!!”

“Alright guys, play it cool… fur all he knows, we’re by ourselves, jus’ chillin’ ‘n havin’ our own lil’ karaoke git down-”

“Boooooo, Beau!  You’re ideas to not get us in trouble SUCK”

“Dude, SHUT UP, I know this is gonna work…”

“Whoa, howdy there, officer!  Did ya come on by to hear me sarenade my family wid’ mah smooth barrytone vocals?”

“Oh HB ‘n Eagle!  I think he’s gonna pull it off… he’s gonna convince the cop that we aren’t up to no gud!”

“Oh!  The voice of an angel!  I never thought I would hear such a lovely sound in my lifetime!  You are a true prodigy son!”

“Heh heh, guys… I gawt this in the bag…”

“Sorry guys!  I JUST got here!  To your party!  This is where we are holding the teen party right?!  Any reason there is a cop here at the teen party?  Stripper, right?”

“Beau… I think we should run now.”

“What did I just hear her say about a teen party?!  What kind of shenanigans are you kids up to?!  You are in so much trouble young man, and I’m going to go call your parents right now about this situation!”

“Well, I would have gotten away wid’ it too, if it weren’t fur mah meddlin’ super-great grandmama!”

“And with that, super-great grandmother is out!  Peace, losers!”

“We are gonna go to jail… we’re sooooo gonna go to jail!”

“Hush, HB.  I know I’m nawt goin’ to jail.  But if anyone asks though, I’m nawt in the bathtub drain.”

The adults all came back, and instantly Bear went off on the kids at fault.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU SING ‘DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE’ TO THE COP, I COULD STILL BE IN TAHITI RIGHT NOW”

“Dammit, Unca’ Bear, if you are going to ground me, don’t express your love of Cher every time you do so.”

“And yew!  Ur the youngest, but yew should know better than to let ur idiot big brother let yew party with older kids like that!”

“Sorry Unca’ Bear!  No need to barge in on me while I’m trying to use the bathroom though, I git it!”

“AND YOU!  Well I know ya couldn’t have been partying wid’em kids, they think ur too much of a dork to hang out with, so ur off the hook.”

“Um… I don’t know how to feel ’bout that…”

Meanwhile, Dolly on parenting:

“UR GROUNDED UNTIL UR 43, AIN’T NO PARTYIN’ GOIN’ ON IN MAH LIL’ HOUSE YA LIL’ HEATHEN”

“But… I wasn’t involved at all, mom!”

The one kid that was asleep and had nothing to do with the party, Dolly jumped on the second she got out of bed.  Way to be an awesome mom, Dolly.

“In case, yew haven’t noticed, MOTHER, I’M the best child in this HOUSE!  I do nothin’ wrong!  How DARE yew even think ’bout accusin’ me of bullshit like this!”

“I’ll beat ur lil’ ass fur bringin’ that language in mah house!”

“BRING IT”

“Daddy, my feet stink.”

“Do some laundry some damn time, Eagle.”

“Mama? Hey, yeah, they are taking good care of me.  I still have a roof over my head, clothes on my… actually, do you think you can bring me a new wardrobe real quick?”

You’d have a new wardrobe already if you did some laundry, guys.  Just saying.

“Not possible!  The teddy bears prevent me from doin’ some loads!  Oh woe is me.”

You are all morons and I don’t even know why I bothered to put up with the washing machine for you guys again.

“*SNIFF SNIFF*  Mmm, this load smells jus’ like Rocky Mount’n oysters.  Ma’er fact, this whole room smells like Rocky Mount’n oysters now!”

“Hee hee… bull nuts.”

Meanwhile, Opal was finally able to make unmeltable ice sculptures, so I started her on making some for the kids of the final generation!

Not so bad so far, dispite the fact that it looks like Fancy’s is lactating something gross, Eagle’s is drooling, and Egret is stuck with this mouth-opened surprised look on her face.  A for effort, I suppose.

“Ah, finally.  You got around to giving me my old jeans and a fresh new Harley shirt.  About time.”

“Yes yes, we all know yew look gud now, man.  Alright though, from the top: If I could turn back time~

“Dammit, Bear!  I’m so fucking sick of your obsession with Cher!  Play some Hollywood Undead for once, shit!”

I just never took away the karaoke machine, they liked it too much, so I left it in the yard.

There was a field trip to the graveyard, and of course, the two ghost children should be right at home.

“Is there a karaoke machine?”

“Probably.”

“Then I will feel right at home!”  Woot!”

HB somehow managed to make it to the graveyard, but seemed to have told the rest of the school group to screw that, and ended up fishing for the remainder of the trip.

“I love fishin!  Never fished a day in my life!  I have notta’ damn skill!  I ain’t catchin’ a damn thing… well crap.”

I’ll give her an A for effort too.

“Ta da, ur MOTHER is here to join yew in sum gud ole’ mama-baby bondin’!”

“Um… I sho’ hope yew didn’t come all the way up to the graveyard… like that.”

“Hmm, I see some feet up in the sky!  Well I’ll be!”

OH GOD WHAT IS THIS

“You taste nothing like Eagle!  That’s disgusting!  Take yo’ nasty lil’ ho self somewhere else with that stank flavor.”

“Freedom!  Oh thank gawd, I REALLY can’t afford to die without mah pants on!”

You can’t afford to die on the grounds that you are my only non-Dolly clone, Fancy!

SPEAKING OF WITHOUT PANTS

TAYLOR

WHAT THE FLYING RABBIT FUCK

I JUST PUT YOUR NORMAL CLOTHES BACK ON YOU, YOU IDIOT

“Well… I’m a fashion expert!  I just thought that I just needed a new look!”

“Is my papa insane or something, Unca’ Bear?”

“I think we was kicked by a horse as a child, Beau.  It’s best you not really ask though.”

“What the crap is this?!  BOOTY SHORTS?!  WHY BOOTY SHORTS?!”

HOW ABOUT YOU DON’T SCREW AROUND WITH THE OUTFIT I GIVE YOU AND STOP TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FOR NO REASON, DAMMIT TAYLOR

YOU DESERVE THIS

“I’m going to cry!”

“Holy frog fart on a stump, Batman!”

“Mah daddy’s booty shorts are even shorter than mine!”

“Honey, you go to your room.”

“Guys, I hate to have to interrupt you on the Cooking Hour, but I gotta ‘portant announcement.”

“Is it about Fancy stuck in the bathtub?”

“Is it about the massive amounts of money I just rolled in considering I haven’t done a day of work in several weeks for some reason?  They just won’t call me back to do any more jobs anymore…”

I WONDER WHY, TAYLOR

“No, it’s not about Fancy, or my father’s inability to know how to use pants…”

“It’s my birthday, and it’s tomorrow.  Seeing as it’s the end of the legacy, and I made it to adulthood just fine, we are still gonna go through ‘n grow us all up at during one last blowout family party like we planned, right?”

“I dunno ’bout all that, but if he don’t move in front of the screen, I’m gonna deck that boy in his jaw.”

“You go on and do that dear.  I’d like to know a new recipe other than the pancakes that we have a gazillion of in this house.”

Then they went out and partied for some reason instead.

“Ain’t no party like a garbage can party because a garbage can party don’t stop!”

“Well, unless tetanus or rabies gets involved.”

“True.”

“Oh honey, I wish you’d stop all that poutin’, I think you look just fine in them booty shorts.”

“You think everything I do is fine, Dolly.”

“Well it’s true!  Why would ya complain ’bout that anyway, ya loser.  I’m offerin’ yew woohoo.”

“Well… ok.”

The last of the ice sculptures were finally finished courtesy of Opal, this time with Honey Boo’s heart ripped clean out of her chest, and Beau’s statue is possessed with a murderous glare in it’s eyes.

And here they all are, our little generation 10 before the big party bash.

I am going to miss this legacy when it’s all over.

“I think we’ve come a long way over the years, don’t ya think so, Bear?”

“Actually, I’m really curious ’bout wut ever happened to Sam.  He kinda fell off the face of the Earth, didn’t he…”

“This is the perfect place to have our last hurrah for my kids…”

“Yeah dad, but does Cher have to be playin’?”

“Bear donated the audio set, I couldn’t help what we were stuck with, guys.”

“Heh… we still have that glitched up statue, don’t we?”

“We sure as hell do, Honey Boo.”

“Anyway, you are missing school for this party, Honey!  Don’t you DARE SCREW THIS PARTY UP FOR ME!”

“What the crap daddy, yew don’t gotta be such a massive ass about that at the last second!”

Taylor yelled at the other kids too, go figure, but then Fancy proceeded to go everywhere like this.

“Yellin’ at me on our birthday shindig, who does he think he is?!”

Yes Fancy.  Let’s end the legacy on an angry note, shall we…

“Humph!  I’m angry too.  I don’t like gettin’ told off at all!”

“Dammit HB, don’t copy me when I do something.  Ur such a damn copy cat.”

“Imitat’shun is the best form of flattury, Fancy.”

“Shut up, Beau.”

“Alright guys, this is it!  Let’s try to go out with a big bang, shall we?!”

“Yew gawt it!”

“I’ll try!”

And most of the living family is here to watch the sending off!  What a great family.

Even if two of them took their fucking time to find the door to the building.

“HAW HAW!  Mah sister’s stuck in the foundation!  She’s gonna miss all the cake!”

“Well we wouldn’t if yew’d get ur ass over here, find a crowbar, and get me outta this mess!”

Nascar, I’m excited!  You’ve been with the family longer than anyone else so far, what do you think so far?!

“Stop biding time and just cake them already!  Am I immortal or something?!  I’ve been here too long, I HATE THIS”

We love you too, Nascar.

Here is our Fancy-

Beau: “But I’m the oldest-”

And she is officially, in my opinion, the best I could do.  I think she’s cute!  Hurray for the success of the legacy!  Where’s my confetti?

Her final status is that she is a good, brave but unlucky girl, she hates the outdoors and she’s a snob.  She wants to be a gold digger as her lifetime wish.

“Which is absolutely great!  Where’s Clark, he’s loaded ‘n old, right?”

Honey Boo went second-

Beau: “But I’m still the oldest!”

She’s also good, but a klepto, she’s an easily impressed angler, and lastly, she’s a born saleswoman, hopefully more like her great great grandmother Deborah and not her great grandmother Bella.

“I also want to live in the lap of luxury, and whatta’ ya know!  It’s instantly fufilled!  Why’d ya wanna be a gold diggin’ ho Fancy when we gawt all the money we could ever want!”

Not counting the worth of the house and the Museum property, the Secksies have over 400k in the bank.  Not bad considering half of them didn’t have jobs half of the time.

And finally-

Beau: “About time!”

We have Beau, who’s, ALSO now a born salesman (jeez), who’s a workaholic (personally sounds like a great combination though), who’s also frugal (pretty good match as well, and he’s a clumsy athlete (beaten off the path I suppose but that’s ok).  He, of course, wants to be a Rock GOD Star as you all already know.

And of course, I can’t leave out my little precious Egret and Eagle in the celebrations.  They of course aren’t officially legacy children, but they are officially in my heart.  Even Eagle, sure.

“My little girl is all grown up!  And now my age!  That’s… no, that’s not really all that cool, she’s gonna to start datin’ soon!  I don’t want to think ’bout havin’ to chase off men my OWN AGE from my daughter!  OH GOD”

“Dad, stop freakin’ out over there, ur gonna wet urself again.”

And our little Egret is Over emotional, unlucky, clumsy, she’s a couch potato and a dog person.  Her LTW is to be a zoologist as well.

“My birthday time, Yaaaay!”

Eagle is unflirty like daddy, never nude, heavy sleeper, easily impressed, good sense of humor, and that will make him a great Star News Anchor for his LTW.

“Ok, I’m really getting tired of all these birthdays.  It’s time for cake.”

“Yew said it, grandma.”

“Yeah.  Seriously.  Eagle, get the hell out of the way.”

“Yeah purple kid!  We want cake.”

“Aw, now I’m sad, guys.”

Here are these two as fleshies as well.  I should have done it as they aged but I forgot to do so at the time.  I love them both all the same.

And there you have it everyone!  Our final little Leroy decendants, the best I got at the end of this long line.

“What’s next for us, guys?”

“I have no clue Beau.  I suppose we sit back and wait for our next adventure, I suppose.”

“Well I donno ’bout yew guys, but I’m gonna go git Clark, a marriage ring, a bathtub ‘n a toaster next.  That’s my next adventure.”

“Oh lawd, Fancy.”

“ALL ABOARD THE S.S. FINAL WORDS!  NEXT DESTINATION: TO OUR NEXT JOURNEY AND BEYOND!  And hurry the hell up, I got a date with my son at 8 and I don’t want to miss that!”

Thanks… for that Rochelle.  I’m just going to pretend that last part didn’t ever happen, anyway.

Because of the Secksie’s and Co. influence on young 80s Twinbrook, time was different for our little townies and they grew up different than how we know them today.

Sinbad, after seeing his mother run off and abandon him with his little brother for a simself woman, realized that maybe the bad boy image wasn’t all that it was wrapped up to be, and grew up to be a successfull businessman.  He owns 80% of Twinbrook and is a role model to his peers.

“What can I say, bitches love the Christian Grey get-up.”

Ok, maybe I jumped the gun when I said he left the bad-boy image.

Goodwin, who’s father was heartbroken when Sidney left as well, moved out and lives in a swamp house, and it didn’t influence Goodwin too well either.  He now lives in the dump as a hobo, and is constantly yelling at people who come and touch on his little “chair family”.

Without Goodwin to knock her up and leave her a single mother living with her parents, Jenni went out to fulfill her dream of becoming a Brittany Spears impersonator at parties and clubs!

It really didn’t go very well for her actually… she’s currently also a “born saleswoman” like the great Bella Bachelor, and is also the owner of 6 cats that also hate her.

Gwayne however, also vouched for stardom, after her baby daddy knocked up my simself’s daughter and she realized what a loser Skeet was.  Without him holding her back, she found fame and glory, moved to Hollywood, and is now the next Audrey Hepburn.  But she remembered where she came from and runs the Scholarship for Swamp Babies Foundation, where they raise hundreds of thousands of dollars for kids every year.

Lucy never had any Sinbad babies, but she kept her house when her father moved out to chase around simself women, and she became a construction worker on works such as the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Parthenon, and two of the three Great Pyramids of Giza.

However, when the city council of Twinbrook declared that she couldn’t build those replicas in her backyard without a permit, she was forced to tear them down and is currently the second largest morbidly obese person in America.  Her current dream is to eat the largest and gain that person’s power and glory.

Shark Racket became Marsha Vanderguile, thanks to her sister Lolly’s new hobby of back ally surgeries that she was able to put in the area behind their small little house.

“Marsha thinks that Lolly should sit like a more proper lady when watching Days of our Lives.”

“Shut the hell up, Marsha.”

And last but not least, our little Amy Bull, who after experiencing the Secksie family first hand, realized that she never wanted to grow up and be anything like that, so she took up the hobby of classical piano and is now a refined pianist known around the world.  She became elegant and aristocratic and moved out of Twinbrook the first opportunity she got.

When that happened, Leroy never got to meet Amy when he moved into Twinbrook eventually, and then, the legacy never happened.

Congradulations, you read a legacy that doesn’t exist!  And yet it does!

20080321033750!ExplosionYou may now exit the ride from the left and right exits, our lobby has other legacies you may go read and enjoy, including my other three projects, the Slobacy, the Pokemon Rainbowcy and the Fallen ISBI, because I’ll still be around, I’ll still be writing, so you have a good Christmas, a great Doomsday, and a fabulous rest of 2012!

Posted in Generation 9 | 48 Comments

The Little Mermaid Fight Club

You know why I love wordpress?  Because I finally finished uploading these final pictures for the last chapters weeks ago, and I’ve always put the pictures together in a chapter one by one.  Every single one, and that’s at least 5000 pictures.

Now they just recently came out with an update on wordpress where I can insert multiple pictures, or whole chapters, up at one time.

jhygfcvgjThank you WordPress.  You do this on purpose.

I know there were easier options I could have done, but I’m hardheaded, stubborn, and so I probably deserved that.  Moving on anyway.

Prepare yourself, because this chapter has an ass-ton of notification shots.  It’s going to be that kinda chapter.

“Golly bum, I sure do luv me sum great grammbabiers.  They jus’ pawp’ on outta my grandson’s baby mama like no tomorruh.  Lookit’ dere, ‘nother one jus’ popped outta the wood work!  I wonder where in our lineage that blawnde’ hair came from…”

“Oh, I’m nawt wunna’ yall… I’m jus’ here to do homework… that’s all…”

While we were visiting the Bayless’ house, Max Racket was also here.  And apparently because of that, the game wanted to tell me Max’s life story for the week…

Sugar dumped her bad boy bf apparently and is now back to doing old codgers.  This time it’s Max, who I didn’t even remember or not if he left his original wife.

If he hasn’t, it isn’t stopping him from having babies with other women, namely Clark’s once again ex wife.  I mean, I don’t blame her, especially since all her ex does is chase little girls around at the park now.  Creeper.

Anyhow, this notification popped up right after Sugar announced she was with Max, so he thinks he’s some big player.

THEN RIGHT AFTER, Kat announced that she in turn was sleeping with Marshall…

WHO THEN in turn announced that he was still sleeping with Cherish, whom he had JUST divorced that morning.

I swear, it’s like a human centipede of humping.

And then, back at the head of this centi-orgy, Max added another woman to his collection, this time it’s Elissa, while they were talking in the Bayless kitchen about how Elissa’s baby daddy just died.

“I’m so heartbroken!  I have one of his babies and he died before he could change his will to say all his possessions were to go to me and our son!  Now Gwayne owns everything, and I didn’t even get the good china!”

“It’s ok, there there, Elissa.  I will be your friend… (friend with benefits, hehe… *”I’m nailing Elissa” notification*)”

This doesn’t count, Max.

“Well.  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR SLEEPING WITH A HICK IN A SHACK!  DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’M NOT SAVING YOU FROM THIS DUMP, MY MANOR IS MY MANOR!”

“Oh sob, Pappy would never flip and freak out on me like this!  He’d just take a couple of beers to the porch and sit outside until I was done crying!  Not yell at me like that!”

Can you tell how much of a ladies man Max is?

In midst of all that confusion, HB somehow made off with Sinbad’s… uh, bunny statue.

I suppose it’s just as well.  He really doesn’t need it.

“Aww, yew gonna carve an ole’ ice scuplture of lil’ ole me?  Ain’t that sweet.”

“Yep, just stand still right quick and I will capture your very essence…”

“Ta da!  I am done!  I would like to call this one The Bitch with the Massive Chip on her Shoulder.

“I really jus’ wanna kick you outta the household, Opal.”

“I’m sorreh, Sugah.  Yew can’t jus’ wash the dishes in the tub today.”

“Oh, why nawt?”

“It’s filthy as hell.  The kids went swamp-stompin’ and I haven’t had time to clean it out yet.”

“Oh ok then.”

Route failure at it’s finest.

Good thing ghosts don’t really have that problem.

“Saw faster, my love!  I… can no longer feel my legs… I think this is the end for me, Opal.  Goodbye my love…”

“Dammit, Bear.  Get out of my ice block and go make dinner already.”

“Yes dear.”

And now, for Egret’s birthday.

She is now quiet pretty too 🙂

HB ON THE OTHER HAND

“I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT”

Go AWAY, HB.

“Oh NO!  I’m leakin’!  This is terrible!  It must be because I hit puberty!”

“Naw, you’re jus’ wettin’ urself.  Secksie tradition.  It jus’ proves ur a Secksie through ‘n through.  Now go take a bath.”

“Well, butter my butt ‘n call me a buscuit!”

“Wut.”

“Ain’t yew jus’ blossumin’ into a purdy young lady, Fancy!  Makes me feel better that my ex wife left fur every other man in town!”

“I’m sure there’s a reason for that, Clark.”

“Wutt’re we doin’ here today guys?  A ghost story?  I wanna get in on this!”

“Um, Eagle.  No.  NO, Eagle!  DAMMIT”

“EAGLE GET UR ASS OFF OUTTA MY FACE”

He just wants to fit in, Egret.

“-N’ that wus my ghost story, ’bout how mah beloved papa is no longer wid us… *sniff*”

“Yo HB, ur story was shit!  Yew couldn’t tell a gud ghost story if it jumped up ‘n bit you on the… NO CLARK, I DO NAWT WANNA PLAY HAND GAMES WITH YOU BEHIND A PARK BENCH”

“But… I play the best rounds of patty cake :(”

“But grandpa died… how can yew be so heartless, Fancy…”

“How can yew be such a baby, GAW”

The family love, it’s here :3

“Oh yeah, gonna sit and talk to someone and actually get a friend for once!”

“Sigh… I knew I should have just stayed home and had babies all day.”

I’m surprised she decided to sit there the whole time.  She didn’t talk to Eagle, but she didn’t leave.  How nice.

“I didn’t bring any money wid’ us guys.  And I AIN’T washin dem’ nasty-ass dishes.  I had jus’ got my cuticles did.”

“Sigh, I’ll take care of the bill.  Again.”

Back at home, Ken is hanging out tonight, once again trying to “be” the art.

“Look, I’m NOT going to ‘carve’ you out of the ice like I did for Bear.  You can move on now, buster.”

“Aw…”

“I hope you do a gud job on my statue, honey!  Here is my hero pose!”

*SHATTER*

“DAMMIT”

“Honey, wut’s tha’ matter?”

“I broke your statue all over the place!  I just can’t do anything right!  Sob!”

“Aw, don’t cry dear.  You will do one again next time, and it will be better and bigger than that one!  I think you are a great artist!”

“Sniff, thanks dear.”

So supportive, I love these two.

“Da da da, dadada!  Who’s ready fur sum’ gud ole’ PROOOOOOOOM?!”

“Oh jeez.”

I have to admit, proms are still the highlight of my teen sim experience.

“It’s nawt fair…  I don’t wanna be the only one that doesn’t go to prom…”

Sorry, kid.  That’s what you get for being born late.  Maybe you will get your own prom when you are a teen.  Probably not.

“Do we really gotta wait on them two to come to the prom?  They are makin’ us late!”

“Yeah, Fancy.  Mama ‘n daddy said we can’t leave them behind jus’ to get to prom before the punch is spiked.”

“Yeah, but they float around sooo slowly… why can’t all the other ghosts figure out how to walk around normally like Unca’ Bear?”

“Humph, jus’ cuz’ I can’t go to prom, doesn’t mean I’m nawt going to prom… I’ll jus’ stay out here all night long and watch through the window.”

That’s fine, Honey Boo.  What do you see?

“Oh lawd, a whole bunch of crap.  Hm, now I’m glad I missed out on this mess…”

Prepare yourself, here comes a shitstorm of notifications.  (And they are all bad quality because as soon as prom started, my dog hopped up on the computer and messed up the video size somehow):

The prom started innocently enough…  The usual denied dance from a crush, poor Fancy…

“I know as HELL you ain’t talkin’ to my crush, Fancy!”

“GIT YO STANKIN’ HANDS OFF OF ME BOY!  I’M TELLIN DADDY”

“FUCK YEW GUYS, THAT’S MAH MAN!  YALL’ BETTER BACK THAT SHIT OFF”

What the crap is the theme for this prom, Fight Club?

“Now while they are all fighting amongst themselves, this is my chance!  Come to me OH DAMMIT”

Eagle just fails in his own way.

“Prolly’ cuz all I can see is through a watery filter… kinda sucks being made outta water, you know?”

“OH LAWD, GRAMMAWMAW BELLA WAS RIGHT”

Yep, I’m really starting to think the theme is Fight Club.  A Little Mermaid Fight Club theme or something.

Do I need anymore proof for it?

“UGUUH, THE THEME IS INCREDIBLE FROM THIS HEADLOCK I AM IN”

“I DON’T CARE IF I’M STILL STUCK IN A DOGPILE, YEW AIN’T WEARIN’ ANOTHER TRANSPARENT PURPLE TUX, ASSHOLE”

“-But not peace at this prom, I’ll tell yew wut BITCH GIT OVER HERE, I’M GONNA LAY YOU OUT”

This is starting to become the most entertaining prom I’ve ever been part of.

Chemistry?

Wait

NO GUYS

NOT YOU TWO TOO

SHIT

YOU GUYS ARE COUSINS YOU WERE RAISED TOGETHER

“We were all bathed together too”

GAEAJFDIOAKGHLDKLAS

“BITCH, EAGLE IS MAH MAN, YEW AIN’T GAWT NO DATE”

JEEZ, GUYS.

Alright we get it, Eagle.  The theme is a Disney crab’s signature song.  You don’t have to be in awe of it every time someone punches you in the face.

“Too bad Eagle destroyed the seaworld themed backdrop early on, now we’re stuck wid’ the usual moon ‘n stars themed one :\”

“It’s alright, Beau, I already bodyslammed his ass on the dancefloor fur that mess.”

That they did.

“Alright, the idea is to be dainty and delicate, toss the football with elegance and grace, jus’ like this!”

“Am I doing it right now, Bear?”

“NO, YEW STUPID FUCKER!  I SAID DAINTY, NOT GIRLY!  GIT UR SHIT TOGETHER *pelt*”

“Owie, mommy :(”

At least they are bonding.

Alright, time is now here, for HB’s teen birthday.  A party was kinda had.

“Damn, this is one ugly trashy dump.  Who’d ever wanna come to live in a place like this?”

“Ooh, awkward.”

“‘Bout as awkward as her outfit too, Unca’ Bear.”

“I’m so happy to have made it this far!  I thought yew didn’t like me all that much!  It’s nice to make it to mah… *counts candles on the cake* third year birthday!”

I see the educational system isn’t wasted on you, dear.

Not too bad Dolly, I MEAN Honey Boo.  Anyway, she’s now an angler.

“We should all jus’ gown’head ‘n getta’ pontoon!”

Please, HB.  I’m too broke to even get the new Seasons EP.  You can’t even afford a floatie for the river at the moment, HAR HAR.

And for now, I am wrapping up this chapter.  This is the second to the last one guys, and we’re going to start with some of the last of the simself updates…

Dusty shames me, can’t find a quality man, and is now donating genes into the Bayless pool.  It’s ok Dusty, you weren’t ever my favorite anyway.

UGH, finally.  Now these two can stop being gross and date people outside their nuclear family for once…

OH, it’s going to be one of those “back-to-back-I-can’t-make-up-my-damn-mind” notifications.

“I couldn’t break up with her for long, I just find her so lovely.  And she’s also my ride home.  Also, she has my Xbox.”

You never should have happened, Garett.

Also, Skeet is now competing with Max for biggest manwhore in Twinbrook.  I think Skeet might be winning though, because he actually has no concept of contraception.

“Don’t be silly, let’s Free Willy!”

Moving along.

And what wouldn’t be a good notification update without some more incest?  There’s always room for more.

This time we have cousins in the Secksie lineage.  Make us proud you two.

Oh Ashley.  Not Clark.  Anyone but Clark.

You poor woman.

Well I suppose it was only a matter of time, they do have a kid between the two of them-

00“I KNOW WE JUST GOT MARRIED BUT SCREW THIS ‘HO, SERIOUSLY”

“MARRIAGE BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE, AND I CAN SEE WHY”

Guys, you were only married for five seconds…

And last but not least, the simself kids from this generation.  Surprisingly, there weren’t as many as I thought there were, either that or kids are going missing again.  Maybe that’s just a “thing” Twinbrook citizens like to do…

TrevorTrevor was Sidney and Skehrer’s lady baby, and he was more or less abandoned with his big bro Sinbad when the women kinda disappeared off the face of the earth after they got married.

“I’m kinda sad, I suppose.”

NoahElissa’s baby with Pappy kinda dissappointed me.  He’s mama’s boy, not a damn trace of Pappy in Noah at all.

“Well I don’t wanna be able to fly around town on Dumbo ears, thank you very much.”

Good for you.

Lyndsey KrissyHannah’s simself’s two kids with Phoenix Prudence, Lyndsey and Krissy.  Both very nice.

“Phoenix and Pansy who?”

My thought’s exactly.

BenitoAnd the last kid is Hannah’s simself’s, Benito is her only with DeAndre, another kid who’s mother doesn’t live with them, lord knows where she wondered off to.

“Oh Benito, daddy’s stuck in the door again.  Go get the socket wrench.”

“Sigh, dammit.  Now I know why mama left us.”

Well, next chapter

IS LAST CHAPTER

IT’S ALL THE PHOTOS I HAVE LEFT

I MADE IT GUYS

WE ARE ALMOST THERE

I’M MORE EXCITED THAN I SHOULD BE

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