Showtime Time Part I: The Mime, The Singer, And The Magician

Guess what I got a few days ago!  Go on, guess!

And don’t look at the title, that’s cheating.  You all looked at the title first, didn’t you?  You are all cheaters.

Well, as usual when it comes to new EPs and me, even though this EP has been out for a while, I chose to test it with my little tester sims instead of blindly throwing the Secksies into the new stuff and accidentally killing Dolly with a falling stage light or something.

Like last time, I will use Lee’s kids, Youtube and Facebook, who, after their fathers went on a sixth honeymoon, were forced to move in with their estranged uncle Azazel in Starlight Shores after Lee and VJ just decided to not leave Tahiti never returned home.

Broke, homeless, and pitiful, the boys arrived at their uncle’s house, a teeny trailer on the outskirts of town.

“Hm.  Uncle Azazel really let this place go.”

“What are you talking about, stupid!?  It looks exactly the same from when we left it last Christmas.”

“Hey, Uncle Azy!  We’re home!”

“GOOD.  Because my last roommate is getting on my last damn nerve!  You!  Get the hell out of my house Kyle, you fart molesting monkey weenie!  You’ve used up all my hair gel for the last time!”

“Yep, same ole’ crazy Uncle Azy.”

“Oh boys, you’ve met Kyle, my magician assistant, the last time you were here for Thanksgiving, remember?  He’s a fart molester, I swear!”

“Mmhmm, Uncle Azy.  Well I suppose me and you, Facebook, are going to have to take turns sharing the couch at night, right?”

“Bitch please.  After I move Monty into my couch I dare you to even try to touch it.”

Speaking of magicians and their assistants, Azazel makes his living in the new magician profession.

Actually, he performs the same tricks the local hobos perform down the street, only difference is that Azazel is cleaner and pays taxes for his cardboard house.

That being said, he’s worse at his tricks than the hobos are I think.

“But I swear I watered these!  I mean, plants can drink thrown out booze, right?”

“Wow, Uncle Azy is bombing horribly as usual, eh?”

“Yeah… maybe we should go over there and support him, don’t you think, Facebook?”

“And let other people know that we are related to him, no way!”

“Hey boys.  Wanna play 52 Pickup?! *flits cards everywhere*”

“You suck, Uncle Azy.”

“Yeah, it’s really just 14 Pickup.  I had a magic rabbit, but it choked to death on the other 38 cards.”

 “Ok, I’m going to try my flower trick again.  I swear if I keep trying, I’ll eventually get flowers that did survive the Jagermeister.”

“Haha!  You’re really TERRIBLE at this, Uncle Azy!”

“Come on now, Facebook.  Don’t hurt his feelings, he’s really trying you know.”

“Ta da!  Finally!  Got it right for once!”

“Good for you, Uncle Azy!”

Burglar: “BOO!  Your uncle is bad and you should feel bad!”

“HEY.  That’s my family you talkin’ bout, bro!  I can insult him all I want!  He’s MY uncle!  If YOU insult him, I’ll kick you in the balls!”

“WOO!  Kick his ass, brother!”

“Boys, BOYS!  Don’t do this here, I’m trying to put on a show right now!”

“Yeah Facebook!  Rip his legs off and feed them to him!”

“Now THAT’S a show right there!”

“STOP IT!  You are ruining my street performance!  I hate you all!”

“Yeah that’s right!  Crawl away and call for your mommy!  She won’t be able to pull your inhaler OR your leg braces out of your ass!”

“Well, with the amount of money Uncle isn’t making and Facebook’s incoming assault charges, it looks like me and him are going to have to get jobs now.”

So I sent the boys to go find computers to get jobs.

And by jobs, I mean Facebook cancelled my orders four times and kept going back to play golf.

“This is the best damn thing I’ve ever done.”

You make me sad.

“And now, for my final trick of the evening… I’m going to scare my worthless nephew for ruining my show!”

“Uncle Azy, I can see you right there.  You aren’t tricking me, I’m not that stupid.”

“Pantsius Poopaloticus! RAGHOAKLGSDJFKLAFLE”

“Oh DAMN, Uncle Azy!  I DID poop myself!  How?!  What magic is this?! :O”

Meanwhile, Youtube started his own career, as a singer on the street corner.  And surprisingly, he’s good.  A damn good singer.  So good in fact, that I wasn’t expecting it.  And since I wasn’t expecting it, it kinda scared me at first.  I watched most of his performance from the lot across the street ._.

“Why look, Uncle Azy!  Real, actual talent!  I think we should thank Youtube for allowing us to eat tonight!”

“Both of you boys can sleep in the yard tonight.”

“Look Uncle!  Do you know what that man is giving Youtube!  That’s money!  Say it with me… mooooonnneeeyyy.  Youtube is getting a tip!  Can you say that?  Tiiiiip.”

“DON’T COME HOME TONIGHT, YOUTUBE.  YOU DAMN UPSHOWER.”

Youtube: *pout*

Azazel went home and stewed in his anger in his new hot tub that he really didn’t have the money for.

I wasn’t expecting hot tubs to come in Showtime.  Damn.  A few more things and features and I don’t think I’ll need Late Night.

“Whoa, Facebook.  What happened to you?  Did you make out with an art palette or something?”

“No dumbass, I registered to become a street mime.  I was finally pulled of the golf course long enough to get a job.  Me and Monty can pull our weight around here too, you know.”

And Facebook is the cutest mime I have ever seen.  And that whole sentence is an oxymoron.

“Hmm…”

“I really think no one agrees with that statement.”

No, you just went to a shitty place to play for tips, Facebook.

“Hey kid!  How often do you see a street performer?  I’m cool!  Look, I’m trapped in a box!”

“I thought mimes aren’t supposed to talk.”

“I’m a special breed of mime.  I was born with vocal cords and an unlimited amount of coolness.  Tip me! :D”

“Well I still think you are pretty damn lame, mister.”

“I am NOT lame!  I’m awesome!  Get your scrawny little butt back here and give me a damn dollar!”

“Behold ladies and… ladies.  I will now perform a new trick for you all!  I will pull a small antelope out of my butt!”

“You will not, you really do suck as a magician, Azazel?”

“And how the hell would you know that?!”

“I’m the proprietor here, I’ve seen every single one of your dinky little shows in this park since you’ve started, Azazel.”

“So what, you live here or something?”

Youtube does a lot of sing-a-grams.  I call them his monkey jobs though.  Pretty much because he reminds me of a dancing monkey when he does them.

I don’t think he likes them either.

“After a long day of embarrassing myself in front of lonely housewives and teenage school girls with too much money, it’s good to just come to the park and relax by the pond…”

“Well you came to the wrong pond boy, because this is MY turf, punk!”

“You want me to kick your stick ass, boy?!”

“Aw, this horse likes me :3”

And I like that horse too.  That is a NICE wild horse.  So I MC’ed him into the family and named him Firenze.

“Why, for a proprietor park hobo, I think you are absolutely adorable!  Here are some flowers, which I think match your beautiful, delicate little eyeballs.”

“Why thank you, Azazel!  But you and I both know it’s just because I’m letting you perform a gig in my park…”

Medusa chick: “Hmmm… I could use a hairbrush :I”

Firenze’s photobombing butt is photobombing.

“Can I also try out for my own gig?!”

“Oh dear lord, no… a mime.  Fine, sure.  Go for it, show me what you can do.”

“OMNOMNOMNOM hair.”

“NO FIRENZE!  Don’t eat my hair!  I’m trying to do an audition here!”

“Hee hee.  That’s actually funny!  A mime getting eaten by a horse.”

And that’s how Facebook got his gig.

To celebrate Azazel’s first gig he would do the next day at the park, the boys all went out for karaoke and drinks.

“We are fam-i-ly!”

“I hate this prick as much as he hates me!”

“FACEBOOK.”

“Both of you are humiliating me.  If anyone asks, I didn’t come with you two. Sigh.  Where’s a bartender when I need one?!”

In Late Night, with all the other bartenders.

“Every night they fall like dominoes~”

“How he does it only heaven knows~”

“All the other men turn gay where ever he goes-”

“YOUTUBE GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT”

“Sorry ._o”

“Pretending those losers still don’t exist, yep yep”

It’s ok Azazel.  Facebook can’t sing and Youtube’s magical voice still scares me.

“Shut the hell up, Kyle!  This is my first real gig and I am NOT going to flunk out tonight!  I’m going to be awesome, I’m going to be famous, and I’m going to have you thrown out on your ass by the time I move out to live in my four story mansion!”

I don’t know, I think he should really listen to his assistant…

“Hello ladies and gentlemen!  Who’s ready for a world of mystery and wonder!  I, Azy the Crazy, magician extraordinaire, and my perverted assistant, Kyle, will show you a new world of magic, wonder, and powers beyond your wildest dreams…”

“…Wait, please tell me this isn’t all that’s coming out tonight?!”

“I’m afraid so, Uncle Azy…

“WOOO!  Go Uncle Azy!  Knock us dead!  Or knock yourself dead!  You know, more likely to happen.”

“Fine… My first trick, I’m going to pull a coin out of Kyle’s ear.  Oooooh….”

“BOOOOOO.  My poop doesn’t have this much corn in it!”

You know you are having a bad show with a horse thinks you suck.

“And now, BEHOLD!  My magic flower trick… no… NO!  Not the drunk flowers!  Their dead!”

“Just like all my dreams”

“Ooh, I hear your heartbeat sir!  I really like you :V”

Please don’t headbutt Azazel’s only other audience member, Firenze.

“HAIR!  Omnomnomnomnom.”

That horse sure loves some damn hair.

Well, that’s all I’m doing for this first part.  Next time, the boys hopefully get better and more promotions or something, and more Showtime stuff!

Now go outside or something.