The Gay Redneck

“Ok so, we ain’t havin’ any of the glitchy freezes and none of the Edit Town and CAS problems no more… can I go back to lookin’ like I DON’T have a pencil wedged in mah butt?”

I don’t know, Cletus.  The game runs so much quickly now that you are all freaky and blocky.

“PLEASE.  I can’t make friends lookin’ like I ain’t got no skull!”

Fine.  Just let me get through Tater’s graduation because that’s going to be the laggiest event coming up.  Then we will go back to prettiness the best this computer can do.

 

“Yay!  I’ve always wanted a horse made out of laffy taffy!”

Lynyrd’s birthday snuck up on me (like I was going to get the horse a cake anyway).

And in other news, Pat got the family a squirrel.  AWWW.

His name is Buck II.  Named after Buck from the second generation, who was named after a squirrel in the first place.

I don’t remember why I took this photo.

No, wait, now I do.  Pat got a hotdog, put it on the table, and then sat in the wrong chair.  I’ve seen sims do this before plenty of times, but damn Pat.

“Can someone help me eat, please?”

You aren’t THAT old, Pat.

“Oh hello thar, cutie pie… why don’t cha come over heer ‘n give mama some sugah.”

“*Uninterested*”

That chick reminds me mildly of Amber and Jerry Lee ._.

“Yes Tater… One day I will have you *perv face*”

“I’ve changed mah mind, I don’t wanna go home wid’ yew, Ethan.”

Yeah, I think we are staying away from this one for a while.

HAHA, DALE!  Nice saddle!  I really think you’ve completely lost what little of a “gangsta” image you were trying to uphold.

“No!  I swear, it’s the Bella’s saddle!  I wus jus’ borrorin’ it fur the horse!”

No Dale, I don’t even think Bella would have a saddle.  I think she has a thing for riding bareback anyway.

If it seems like I’m bouncing around a lot this chapter, it’s because I am XD

This is probably my favorite family in this whole town.  The two old hicks in the center of town who won’t sell the old shack.

I think they are due for a beautiful Secksie friendship.

“Yew ain’t onna’ dem gove’nent men, are yew?”

“Wutta lovely lil’ hawse yall gawt heer!  Jus’ like the hawse we had in Sunset, jus’ wid more rattlers’ in the foundation!  Dis place is so cozy ‘n comfy, don’t yew agree Mr. Tomato?”

“…Whur’s mah wife, she’s gawt the shawtgun…”

The Curleys should have glitchy/modded old people babies because they are the right kind of people the Secksies will like and we need more of these 😀

Bella hasn’t really done anything since she came here, she’s pretty much become a kitchen wife and stayed out of my way.  Just like she should.

“But you’re going to let me go out and achieve my dreams right?!  A big time independent woman with her own paycheck?  Boss of her own company?  Come on, don’t turn me into a house wife!  Hand wife!  Handjob?!”

Maybe she really does need to go back to her alien hunting hobby.

Ok, who thought it was a good idea to let the robot wash the dog?!

“Ok, I ain’t all bulgy eyed this time cuz the graphics are bad, I’m all scared cuz I’d rather be bathin’ with the toaster right now.”

That poor animal.

“So I saw a flyur’ that ur havin’ a neighborhood ‘doption at ur hawse, ‘n I was wondrin’, yall gawt any lil’ kittens ‘r somethin’?”

“Naw, alls we gawt is this foal we found in ole’ Shadur ‘n Freebird’s pen.  Would yew want her?”

“Man, I donno… we kinda already have one horse we can’t take care of ‘n I wus kinda savin’ up fur a kitty…”

“This lil’ foal’s name is naturally Bella.”

“…I’m sold.”

So yeah, I bought another horse solely on the fact that her name was Bella.  I’m going to be one of these animal hoarding sim players, aren’t I?

Aw look, whore Bella  is interacting with horse Bella!

“Now that’s kinda rude, isn’t it horsey?  You aren’t a whore at all!”

…

“Alright Bear, now ur brother had gone and added another animal to the family we can hardly take care of, so you definitely can’t be addin’ no new family members to the hawse fur a while… what the HELL are you doin’?!”

Tallahassee: “What the CRAP, Bear?!  THIS is how you imagined I’d look as a real person?!”

“Hee hee, now look’it us!  We’re color complementary 😀  aren’t we so cool?!”

“…NO!”

“Hello family!  I’m the newest member of the household now!”

“DAMMIT BEAR!  Wut did Nascar JUS’ git outta his mouth ’bout addin’ more creatures in the hawse?!  I hope yew know it’s gonna be ur responsibility to take care of and feed this clown and keep him from sheddin’ on the furniture!”

“I’m so sorry papa.  I promise this will be the only one, and I will, I swear :(”

AW, what a cute stray puppy!

“I just wanna find someone to love me and hug me and give me a nice, warm home…”

BEAR GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND LOVE HIM

“HELL NAW NEW DOG, this is MAH hawse.  Yew here me?!  MINE *evil bulgy eyed glare-down*”

“But… I just wanted somewhere to live…”

“Dammit Cletus, shoo.  You’re being a bad dog right now.”

It didn’t matter, Cletus successfully scared the stray off by sitting between him and Bear until Bear couldn’t interact with the dog, and he wondered off.

But at least Lynyrd and Bella get along.  Look at them, they are playing together!

… Well they were.

“YOU!  I have NO idea who you are or what you are doing in my house, but you’re grounded here and I don’t want to hear any lip about it!  Go to my son’s room and think about what you could have done to piss me off!”

“… Does this mean you love me? :D”

“GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN”

Ah great, Pat let Buck go loose in the house.  Poor little squirrel.  I hope Bella doesn’t turn around and see it because I can see her screaming and trying to hit it with a mop.  Then I’ll let someone hit her with their FOOT

FINALLY, Tater birthday, I’m so proud of him.  Now we can really get down to focusing on making generation nin-

*GAME CRASH FUN*

:O what a SURPRISE.

*Replay but without the stink or any clothes*

“I’m so proud of you son.  You’ve inherited my chest carpet.  That’s mah boy righ’ thur.  Now if only Bear’d get some hair, ur brothur’s ’bout as slick ‘n hairless as a baby whale…”

Tater got animal lover as his last trait, and I can’t remember his LTW.  I’m going to have to start righting this shit down or something… I just know it’s not Pets related.

“I don’t know why this family thinks I’m a clown!  I’m a normal kid, with hopes and wishes just like them!  Why don’t they like me or respect me?!”

That.  That right there, Tallahassee.  This is why no one takes you seriously.

Haha, he looks like a running carrot.

Tater’s graduation, bla bla bla, hey look!  Other Secksie family members came to show their support!

“I’m not here because of the Tater boy!  I’m not even sure why I’m here really!”

I think she’s just mad because she and Fat Mortimer have been on the rocks lately.

“Aw, she likes me!”

Really Ronda?  I know you are pissed off at the world right now, but it doesn’t give you a good reason to put Rochelle in a headlock.

As you can see, Rochelle is having a pretty bad day too, since she probably just woke up over night with the mom haircut.

“Hey, at least I can say I look better than Starla.  She’s bald again.”

AND THEN COMES THE RETURN OF THE SECKSIE’S INCESTUAL URGES

Really Pat?!  Of ALL people, you’d think you wouldn’t want to find out if you and your sister are “a match made in heaven”.

Tater: “My graduation went great, despite the fact that no one else graduated… guys?  Anyone listenin’?

“I’m so proud of you son.  Graduatin’ ‘n becomin’ a man ‘n takin’ over ur family’s legacy.  I know yew don’t really care ‘n all, but I wish ur lil’ sistur were heer to see yew do this.  She really did love her big brothur yew know.  ‘N now I jus’ can’t wait to see what woman ur gonna pick to make babies with!”

“But papa, don’t yew remember I’m gay?”

“Well yeah, but how ‘xactly yew think ur gonna carry out makin’ babies like that?  Rednecks don’t ‘xactly have alotta’ gay people, you know…”

“Papa, please don’t tell me ur a homophobe now.  I’ve gotten in mah head that yew were fine with this!”

“Oh son, I ain’t no homur’phobe.  I love the Simpsons!”

“No papa, homophobe.  Gay basher ‘n all.  Luk papa, I know the south ain’t ever really been fulla’ people that particur’ly like people like me, but of all people, I didn’t think yew were gonna be THAT kinda redneck…”

“Oh no son!  Of course I’m not!  After Great Uncle Warren had a heart ‘ttack followin’ his comin’ out, I don’t think any of us would’a looked down on yew fur datin’ Luther, because you were happy wid who yew were ‘n happy wid the boy.  If I didn’t want yew happy wid’em, I wouldn’t let yew be with him when yew were, right?  ‘N mah son’s happiness is more important than a dark lil’ redneck stereotype.”

“True I guess, but why the sudden change now?”

“Its more of a “creation” thing.  As yew see Tater, we REALLY are only a few hun’drd years old.  Ever since our creation… in Twinbrook… it’s always been a man ‘n a woman that makes babies.  ‘N since everyone’s all out fur Bear nawt takin’ over Leroy’s line fur wutever reason, ur the one that has to find some chick, ‘n take ur stick ‘n… *graphic demonstration with hands*”

“Oh dear gawd papa…”

“I know ur gay ‘n all son, but yew really need babies.  Don’t yew want babies?”

“I do papa, but we have mods now!  Technology papa!  I can have a husband ‘n we can have kids now!  This ain’t the stone ages anymore, the family legacy won’t die out now ‘cuz of biology.”

“Mods, huh?  Call me old fashioned, but I don’t trust this new age technilogical doo diddies ‘n the smart phones and the eyepods… ain’t mods the reason we ’bout died out on more than one occasion anyway?  That can’t be very safe!”

“Papa, the mods have been pretty decent since Generatshun’s ‘n yeah it’s threatened us several times since Pets, but I think we got this now.  If Sabrina will stop fiddlin’ with all the other shit ‘n stop messin’ round in every folder she’s gawt no business messin’ in, I think we’re gonna git by this lil’ generation fine!”

“Alright son, do it ur way.  But if my grandkids come outta ur husband wid’ three eyes ‘n a butt arm, I’m nawt gonna tell yew I told yew so!”

“I’m glad ur so understandin’.”

***

Now that we are done breaking the fourth wall just a bit, it’s time to get down and find Tater a man!

I’ve decided that since we are so close to the end of the legacy, I want the sexiest, prettiest man this town has to offer!  Because if I have another Mt. Dew happen, I’ll cry.

Remember the man that VJ said last chapter was tall, dark, and handsome?

*cough*

“Naw man, that’s just mah bitch throwin’ up on the sidewalk… jus’ ignore her man, I’m sure it’s somethin’ she ate!”

“Yo man I gotta go, there’s this crazy-ass white boy starin’ me down with these hungry eyes… it’s creepin’ me out all to shit, man!  I gotta go, just have my money later ‘r somethin’!”

“Ahem.  THE HELL YOU LOOKIN’ AT?”

“*Suddenly loses intrest*”

Actually I really like Zac.  He’s a really cool looking sim, but he gives me the impression of a male Lucy.  And he’s dating a hooker right now, so we’ll leave him be.

And there are a LOT of middle aged guys in this town.  I’d feel uncomfortable giving Tater to a middle aged sugar daddy with him being right out of high school.

“You have the right to remain SEXY”

NO

“Howdy, my lil’ brother followed the lil’ gurl that lives heer home wid’ her, ‘n I saw that there were men in this hawse… I jus’ came to see wut’s goin’ on…”

Amber Reincarnation: “Please read mah mind Tater, pay attention to me, oh why won’t he even look in my direction…”

“Meh…”

“What do you mean, meh?!  I got two bitches that think I’m a stud!”

“When one of those bitches is the cat lady Hetty, I don’t think yew qualify as stud…”

“Sooo… now that my brother’s finally stormed off, you wanna accept my flowers and flirts?”

“Go away Tater’s brother, can’t you see I’m tryina’ drown out my sorrows and loneliness heer?”

Behold, Appaloosa’s population of teenage boys, Mr. Cruz “my face implodes in on itself when I become a young adult” Martingale, and Mr. Ethan “Tater stalker” Parrot.

“Well fine then, my face didn’t want to live in a trailer anyway!”

“Well, MY face does *continues to make the dorkiest facial expressions*”

“Ew, ur lil wife just peed all ovur ur nice polished floor.  Now, if yew were to be wid’ ME, I promise nawt to pee as much as she did.”

“…It’s four in the morning, how did you even get in?”

._. I don’t remember the guy that sold Tater the horse to look as old as he does.

“Do yew wanna lil’ baby horse, lady?  I can’t seem to figgur’ out why they keep showin’ up in Shadur’s and Freebird’s pens…”

“Ever thought about putting them in separate pens? O_o”

The lady he was with was real cute though.  Hailey something.  She was adorable and young.  If only she was a guy…

“They didn’t leave us no damn cake, Bella!  Wut kinda useless owners do we have?!”

“This makes me so sad and hungry :(”

“MY SINUSES”

Ok, this poor dog needs his eyelids back.  I promised him better graphics after graduation so I guess I better get to it.

“Thank…. you.”

The usual slowness is a decent trade.

While I’m not having a lot of luck man hunting, there are a lot of cute chicks in this town (except the Curious family reject on the right.  She had to walk into the photo, didn’t she?!).  This townie in the middle that’s working in the salon really caught my eye though.

Look at her!  CUUUUTE.  Tater, you might have to marry a girl after all :O

“TATER.  I stuck my phone number, home address and blood type in your locker a hundred times when you were in school with me!  Why haven’t you contacted me yet?!”

“OH.  Ethan.  I um, uh… *stabs with book*”

Don’t get me wrong.  Ethan is an ok looking fellow.  But if this is the best the town has, I could have stayed in Sunset (That’s a lie, that town killed itself.)

“What are you talking about?!  My mom thinks I’m handsome!  *derps out*”

“Yeah… I am NAWT datin’ my high school stalker.”

It’s ok Tater.  I’m not making you.

“Oh yeah… they’re gonna get it ON, aren’t they?!”

“Dammit you two!  I’m a happily married woman now!”

So in conclusion, Appaloosa Plains DOES have a lot of cute sims… but it’s mostly just the women.  If you want a cute wife, then yes, this is a good town to come too.  If you want a cute husband, you have slim pickings.

I’ve been scoping around this town all week just looking at the same old middle aged codgers and cowboys.  And I can’t see Tater with any of these fools.

So I was talking to Klaxonly from boolprop the other day and she told me about a sim from Hidden Springs, which I still don’t have because I got Pets instead.

She sent him to me and OMG BABYFACE

“This isn’t the pizza parlor”

A little pizza boy from HS and he’s got a mullet?  He might just be asking for some redneckification…

“I have no idea where I’m at but if you want a pizza it’ll be $30.”

Yeah.  I may be done looking through Appaloosa.