Soul in a Bottle

Invention Gnome #4: “Come on big boy, you know you wanna…”

“Hmm… Does Boom-Boom want to go where other gnomes have been before?”

The horny gnomes are going to run the Secksies off the property if they keep breeding like rabbits.  Meanwhile, lazy Pilot-Gnome is growing up lazy.

“Nothin’ like the sounds of my family bumping uglies all over the front yard to relax to.”

While this is going on, in the house, I find that having an imaginary friend in the house is backfiring on me, as Bun Onion tries to prevent DD from doing ANYTHING.

“I gotta go to school in five minutes, and I’ve already missed the bus, dammit!”

Why isn’t Bun Onion getting out of the way?!

“I don’t know!  Somethin’ bout him nawt lettin’ the robot, or any of the stuffed animals come near me ‘r somethin’ STUPID.  MOVE YOU DAMN DOLL”

Doesn’t matter, she wouldn’t have even gotten out of the front door, I don’t think.

A pack of wild SIMS appeared!

What will the trainer do?

Trainer used BIRTHDAY PARTY!

It wasn’t very effective…  they refused to move from the front yard.

“Happy birthday to m… wait, ain’t yew supposed to be at work, daddy?”

“Yeah but I changed my mind halfway out the door.  I think people can put off puttin’ fires for a lil bit!”

“Aw, that’s sweet of yew to stay fur my birthday dadd-”

“Ur birthday?!  Naw man, I gotta go take a piss!  Laters!”

“It’s also our birthday, Bun Onion!  Yay!”

“Hurray!  Now I’m one step closer to DOMINATIN’ over that EVIL ROBOT”

“Yeah, I don’t wanna know really…”

“Alright, robot!  Wut’cha think of me NOW”

“Oh GOD DARRELL WOULD HAVE PROTECTED ME FROM YOU”

This is Ronda grown up, and I want to say that she’s a heavy sleeper now, but that just might be the Z’s plastered to her face.

And this is Daisy Duke, taking after her ancestor Amy Bull’s fashion sense I guess.

“I thought my sis’ Ronda invited her mama.  How come the only person that came wus dat’ Biawn’cuh woman?”

I keep inviting Edith to parties and stuff, but after the first time she ditched, I accepted it.  After about THREE times, you know something’s up.  YES, she would be afraid of Deborah, but it’s her DAUGHTER’s birthday for pete’s sake!

“Aw, that’s so cute!  The gnomes hadda ‘nother lil baby!”

“Boom-Boom no claims baby!”

“Oh Bun Onion, I’m glad yew took the time to tear urself away frum arguin’ wid’ mah dolls to meet me out by the pond!  I have somethin’ ‘portant to tell ya!”

“Sure!  Shoot!”

Yew know we’ve been friends since I wus born, right?  Well, I’m older now, I can’t be plain’ wid dolls!  I hit puberty, I need mur’ maturer friends, a boyfriend, that kinna stuff.  But I still wanna be friends wid’yew!  So, how ’bout I make yew become real, an’ yew live wid’ me ‘n my family?”

“To become real?  So that everyone can see me?  EVERYONE?  Even the… robot?  I would LOVE to become real!”

“Mmm, a soul in a bottle… Why’s it all yellow?”

“Cuz it’s been sittin’ in my back pocket fur half of mah childhood, it’s prolly old!”

“It’s prolly PISS, do I LUK like Bear Grylls to ya?!”

After drinking the piss potion, Bun Onion spent EIGHT HOURS turning into a real boy.

Thanks computer.  Try to get a real imaginary friend, get him killed in less than a day.

HAH, HIS RUN

“I’m a real boy now!  SWEET!  And luk’t that… it’s the ROBOT”

Nascar way in the back: “I since a disturbance in the force”

…This?  THIS is what you wanted to do to Nascar, Bun?!

“Yew don’t understand!  He’s the National Pillow Fightin’ Champion FIVE YEARS RUNNIN’! I will defeat ‘im fur the love of my DD!”

I don’t even…

How is work, Dale?

“I’m a one man ARMY, son!  Gonna stop sum’ fires, meet some bitches, let’em ride on my Woo Woo 4000…”

For some reason, I don’t think you take this job very seriously, Dale…

“Oh SHIT, my fire hose sprunga’ LEAK!  I can’t go put out fires like this!”

What the piss were you doing in the bathroom at work the whole time before this?!

“Who’s the new nerd on the bus?”

“Oh, I donno, tee hee!  But ain’t he the cutest thang?!”

Personally, I’m glad Bun Onion, at least, changed his blonde hair.  I still have no idea what the crap that was about.

“Speakin’ of nerds, isn’t there ‘nother sister of mine that’s supposed to be on the bus?!”

Oh, she skipped, Ronda went through a mood swing.

“Take THAT you texturally-retarded flamingo!  That’ll teach yew fur nawt bein’ up to date wid’ everythang else!”

“Hey!  Yew must be Biawn’ca!  That means ur mah aunt!”

“Hmm, I don’t beliee’ dat.”

“Hm, I wonder wut book I’ll read today… I’ve read every single book in dis hawse, since I don’t go outside anymore, at least nawt wid’ that woman out there wantin’ to kill me ‘n all…”

“HELLO THERE…  MOTHUR.”

Ronda’s grumpiness must have triggered her to fight with Edith (so much for reuniting her with her estranged mother) and of all things for Ronda to argue about…

“HOW could yew GIVE ME UP?!  Yew gave me to the WORST man in the world, and I will NEVER furgive yew fur that!”

“Wut are yew talkin’ about?!  Fo-Twenny is a great fathur, I’m sure!”

“Yew ID’JIT!  I’ve been sleepin’ n the YARD fur SIX YEARS!  Yew still think he’s a gud father NOW?!”

“I’m sorry, please, don’t attack me!”

“And all this time, yew wouldn’t even git in contact wid’em!  Fur all yew know, I wus DEAD!  Yew couldn’t even come to my parties, yew wouldn’t even accept my invites to anything, an’ now I’m so angry, I wanna beat up someone, but I can’t beat yew up because I’m still too YOUNG!  It makes me wonder who was the worst parent, him ‘r YEW!”

“Wut was that bout?”

“I have NO idea, Biawnca!  Lil gurl came in, yelled ’bout bein’ mah kid, ‘n ran back out again!”

“Does this mean I’m really an aunt?”

“Beats me.”

After that little episode with Edith, Ronda ran around town for a bit and finally met her siblings at school.

“Holy shit that guy’s suit is GAWDY!”

“Can yall guys shut the hell up over thur!  I’m talkin’ to my gurl Bella on the phone ’bout BABIES!  JEEZ!”

“Oh Bun.  I think his suit makes ‘im luk adorable!”

Says the girl wearing the bubble tights.

“Am I the only nurmal’ one in this hawsehold?”

I like to think so.

“Yew really think mah suit’s adorable, DD?”

“Yew bet Bun… so sexy!”

“Oh DD…”

“Yew two ain’t a cute couple!”

Now, that’s not nice, Pat.

“Well they ain’t!  Now me an’ Bella, now THAT’s a cute couple right thur!  Ma’ur fact, I’m gonna go see my gurl RIGHT NOW!”

“OH NO, WE ARE GETTING ROBBED BY THE GARDENER!!”

“Um, no sir, it’s me Pat!  Yew know, Bella’s boyfrien’!”

“I jus’ came ovur to talk to yew ’bout her fur a ma’ur fact!  Mistur Bach’lur sir, I wanted to ask yew bout ur dawghter’s hand in marriage!  Now, I know that we’s still purdy young, we won’t get married fur a few years now, but I jus’ wanna be that boy that gits ur blessin, sir!”

“… I don’t think so boy.”

“If ur worried bout me bein’ able to provide fur her sir, that ain’t no problem!  I gawt my life all planned out fur us, we live in a nice two story hawse widda white picket fence, git a pair of bloodhounds ‘n have five lil sons…”

“I said NO, boy.  I am not letting you marry my daughter.”

“… But, why?  I love her :(”

“Boy, I don’t think you understand.  My daugher is BELLA.  She’s out of your league and out of the question.  My daughter is the best of perfect breeding and with her intelligence, she will make something of herself.”

Yeah right, best of the best, my ass.

Meanwhile, Bella stood in the corner while they talked and did what Bella does best.

“TEE HEE, CAR RHYMES WITH HAIR”

“You see, my Bella deserves a life like this.”

What, an untextured door and chandelier?

“Bella needs her life filled with wealth and security.  That’s more than some little hick bred mountain boy like you can provide for her.”

“And this is why she’s arranged to marry the Mortimer boy and live the rest of her wonderful days in comfort.  A little piece of cornbread like you can’t have my Bella’s hand in marriage!”

“B-but Mistur Bach’lur sir!  I can take care of Bella jus’ like yew want!  Bella can have anythin’ she wants wid me!  Hell, mah family is worth more than the Goths at this point anyway!  Bella will be in safe hands if she’s married into mah family!”

“Married in YOUR family?!  I DON’T THINK SO!  You aren’t anything except a little illegitimate of an illegitimate of Dina Caliente!  My Bella doesn’t need that scum in her blood!”

“How DARE yew talk bout mah mama like that!  Mah mama is a fine woman that did wut she could to take care of her two kids by herself!  Yew ain’t in NO position to talk bout her like this!”

“Oh, just take your little imbred self out of my house before you mess up our carpet!”

“THIS AIN’T OVER MISTUR BACH’LUR!  Bella WILL be mine!”

Meanwhile I find the other three teens starving to death back at the school.

“Well wut’cha expect, Pat took the car an’ stranded us heer!”

“Oh, I’m bout to scare that stupid shirt righ’off yew, Bun!”

“Oh, I’d like to see yew try, Ronda, I can see yew right THERE yew know.”

“IMGONNARIPURSTITCHESOUT”

“OH GAWD NO, DD SHE’S THREATENIN MY STITCHIN!”

*is ignored*

“Hey, ain’t yew Bella’s brothur?  Wut’re yew doin’ in my front yard this late at night?”

“I heard that you were at my house this afternoon talking about marrying my sister!  I’m here to mess up your face GOOD BOY”

“Oh BRING IT PUNK”

“Now boys, now ain’t a time to fight…”

“But papa, yew used to say that there’s always a time fur a fight!”

“NAWT WHILE MY FIRE HOSE IS LEAKIN'”

“Well don’t you people just put duct tape on that stuff or somethin-oh.”

“Dammit dad.”

“You know what Dallas? I actually like this house!”

“Wanna stand in the yard ‘n never leave again?!”

“YEAH! :D”

I’m tired of having to reset these dumb fucks D:<

Then, I just happened to scroll over in Dale’s room and find that Deborah back in his bed again ._.

It didn’t take that long for them to reconcile, did it?!

Even though I see mothers getting mad over being told to sleep with their own children because they don’t know them that well, he and Deborah barely remember each other!

Still, it’s kind of sad that he still has a poor relationship with Deborah, but it’s still better than the ones with his own sisters.  Then again, who the hell likes Danica and TJ

His relationship with Pat?  Well, that’s just a given.

“Ugh, your parents are back to sleeping with each other again?!”

“Can yew NAWT hear it urself, Pipaw?!”

“Well that’s just sickening.”

Nascar: “WUS GOING ON IN HEER GUYS”

The next afternoon, however, Deborah crawled into Virginia’s bed, just to crawl back out and celebrate her birthday.

“Yay fur me!”

Hopefully, when she grows up, her leg will snap back in place.

“Mah hair deflated D:”

Yes, Deborah is just now becoming an adult.  SCREW THEIR LIFE STAGES RESETTING CONSTANTLY

Despite being told no by her father, Pat invited Bella to the park for his birthday, where they made out for about 90% of the time, much to the rest of the guest’s disgust.

Genny and Sabrina: Why did we even bother coming to the park today?!”

And then birthday.  There won’t be an heir poll because I think we are all unanimous on Pat winning this generation anyway, and if you think otherwise WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU I respect your opinion, DD and Ronda were nice, but still THIS IS PAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU CRAZY

Next time, Pat grows up, but to end the chapter, here is Dale sucking as a firefighter.

“Hello?  Oh hey gurl!  Naw naw, I ain’t doin’ anything right now!  Just gotta put outta fire but I gawt time to talk to yew.”