The Stepfather

So the Secksies are no longer living in a four room trailer.  After the wedding and the birth of Virginia’s child, a house was quickly built (in about 10 slow, and antagonizing, hours…)

But this is the new Seckie residence, no longer with foundation, because IF ANOTHER DAMN SIM GETS STUCK UNDER THE FOUNDATION I WILL CHUNK THIS COMPUTER OUT INTO TRAFFIC

Now, who wants the grande tour?

This is the first room next to the carport, a little sun room…

And from there they will enter the breakfast room, where NONE of them eat because it’s too far away from the refrigerator D:<

Next to the breakfast room is, of course, the kitchen, and from there sims can go into the dinner room, which is originally a room just for show, but what was I really expecting from these people…

The living room…

Above the sun room is Amber and Dodge’s room and bathroom…

And finally there is Darrell and Virginia’s bedroom, complete with TWISTER BEDSHEETS, HELL YEAH

With the colors all jumbled up to avoid copyrights?

And then there’s the back porch, carport, bathrooms, like you people really want to see all that D:

I’M IMPATIENT AND MOVING ON

“I really enjoy this hawse, it reminds me of our old burntout cabin on the hill wen I wus a lil’ gurl!

Now on to more urgent matturs.  Why is he still walkin’ ’round without pants on?”

DAMMIT, ok, I’m fixing it right now!

OH

And guess what I forgot while building the house…

“Um, don’t I git a nurs’ry?”

DAMMIT!

“So yeah, that ole’ horse figgure’ in the back of this place?  I burnt that horny thing to the ground yesturday!”

*From inside the restroom door* “Can yew please leave?!  I’m widda’ CLIENT in heer!  Don’t make me file a restrainin’ order on yew like I did with ur son!”

“But our stories are kinda similar!  So yeah, there I was pickin’ out scrap wen that horse came outta no where and rammed me to the ground…”

Dodge isn’t the only one talking to himself either.

“Boy, how can yew ignore me, a client?  I have an appointment wid that ex gay guy who does perms!  Boy?  BOY!”

Stop trying, Amber.  He’s only going to hear what he wants <_<

Besides, when the crap have you ever worn a perm?!

So anyway, it was on this particular day, Darrell just happened to be at the bar, no real reason, I’m sure.  He was mixing drinks and downing them as fast as he could when look at who walks in…

“Alright, bout time this bar gotta bartendur!”

“Wut?  Naw, nah, I’m notta bartendur, just helpin’ myself really…”

“Oh ok, then I’ll join ya, man.  Mind if I have a seat right heer?”

“Yes, yes I do, these, these’r my dr-these’r my… drinks ya-yew heer?!  *smashes them all* Yeah, yeah these’r mine…”

“Dude, I think yew’ve had enuff already…”

“Wait, I think, I think I recuh’nize yew, yew were that lil’ blonde kid that wuz, uh, at Vurginyuh’s burthday party, ain’t ya?”

“Ha ha, yep that’s me!”

“Hah Vurginyuh’.  And I’ll nevur furget that day either, man.  I felt up my first boob that day, and it wus so awesum!  Vurginyuh’ wus practic’ly givin’ out free gropes that day!  I bet yew got sum boob too, didn’t ya?  I mean, yew had tuh feel her up!”

“Well technically, I guess yew could say I have, since I’m her husband n’ all that…”

“Oh… dude well… hm, this is awkward…”

“Nooo… don’t worry ’bout it, it’s just, tch, I didn’t… I didn’t even want to git married!  I was forced into this!  Just ’cause she had my baby!  I don’t even remembur’ doin’… yew know… that… wid’ her!  Yeah, we were in my bed, but we played Twistur!  TWISTUR!  Why can’t anyone believe me?!”

“Well, uh, that is a really farfetched excuse…”

“Dude!  I even showed them a foto I took of the game!  Heer, look at it urself!”

“Dayum!  Yew weren’t lyin’!  And she’s fuckin’ flexibul as hell, ain’t she?!”

“I know right!  She won that game too.  But still, no one believes me just ‘cuz of all the lil’ woohoo hearts that were in my bed and the lack of a Twistur sheet.”

I wonder why, Darrell.

“This is a fairly recent foto ain’t it?”

“Yeah.  It was taken the night aftur my burthday this past friday, actually.”

“Friday?  HAH, that wasn’t too long aftur I grew up myself!  I even saw Vurginyuh on my birthday earlier that night…”

Sheldon: “Yeah, I had just finished growin’ up n’ I went ovur there to see her and told her I grew up and she luked at me like I killed her puppy ‘r somethin’.  I guess she’s nawt into chest hair ‘r somethin?”

“Then she said, ‘I’m bored, let’s go play a game like tag r’ I could be the Packurs and you could be the clone army of the republic, n’ I’ll kick ur ass’, but I wanted to play Doctur… yew know wut I mean?!  She said that it was a great idea, and we went inside.”

“I wus the doctur n’ she was a nurse, and it wasn’t long befur I got down her bra.  They were squishy and even more awesum than I remembur!”

“Of course her parents came bargin’ in our lil ‘examinatshun’ room’ right wen everything was all hot n’ heavy, and they started screamin’ at me to git off their dawghtur ‘r wutever.”

“Last thing I really remembur wus her fathur screamin, ‘why him, he set fire to that herd of cattle wen he was 14, bla bla, I’m gonna have a heart attack, bla bla’.  Ugh, yew do a few bad things n’ the town holds it ovur ur head fur the rest of ur life, I swear.”

“Then he grabs an old chainsaw frum undur his bed and I ran across the street n’ hid in their neighburs bushes until he finally called off his hunt fur me.”

“So yeah, isn’t that strange?!  The night everyone thought yew woohooed her yew didn’t, but I did, and she ended up havin’ ur baby anyway!”

“…”

“…”

“OH GOD, I sat down at a bad time, didn’t I?!  I can smell the tension from HERE”

“So w-wait, yew DID woohoo Vurginyuh that night?!”

“Sure as hell did!  Best twenny’ seconds of my life right there.”

“But… that means I’M nawt the fathur of Dixie!  I didn’t have to git forced into this marriage, ‘cuz I’m not RESPONSIBUL!  YEW ARE!  UR the fathur of Dixie!”

“Sigh, I guess that makes sense…”

“But hey, yew go runnin’ ur mouth ’bout that n’ I’ll scattur ur brains all ovur the parkin’ lot out there!”

“But… it’s UR baby!”

“Yew think I’m gonna take responsibility?!  I ain’t ready fur no kids, I ain’t gonna be a fathur!”

“Sheldon!  That’s ur baby we’re talkin’ bout!  Wut the fuck’s wrong wid ye-”

“HEY.  I’m fuckin’ surious.  Start spreadin’ this ’round and I’ll really do it man.  I’m the guy that set fire to the whole town’s stock of cows, remembur?!  Just cuz I cleaned up in juvie, don’t mean I won’t relapse!

…I will do it.”

“…I uh… uh… I gotta go see a man bout a horse now… b-bye…”

“Mmk!  Was nice talkin’ to ya man!  Hope ya come back some time to hang out, this was fun!”

“Wut a strange fat guy!  Oh well, at least he left his liquor heer wid’ me!”

“Oops, sorry, was ’bout to leave this behind!”

“Dammit.”

Meanwhile, Lonnie was apparently having some… um… baby mama trauma of his own.

“So baby, I know ya sed ya loved me n’ all, but I kinda gotta move out soon, and, I really don’t want to do this, but… babe, I gotta break up with ya.”

So… heartbreaking?

“Wut?!  No!  NO!  Don’t, don’t spring that shit on me yew bitch!  I already told yew once, the microwave ain’t my kid!  I don’t HAVE to stay heer and help yew take care of that lil mutt, yew hear me woman?!”

“CHILD SUPPORT?!  Where the fuck’s this comin’ from, huh?!  I ain’t payin child support to no child that ain’t mine!  I KNOW ’bout that lil romp yew an that STOVE ‘r havin’ behind my back!  Yeah, that’s RIGHT!  I KNOW!  Yew cheatin’ whore!  How could I NAWT know, the WHOLE DAMN KITCHEN KNEW!”

“Don’t yew DARE call ME that!  That’s IT, CHOKE ON UR LIES! THEY’RE ALL LIES!”

I don’t know if someone should call for domestic abuse or hospital.  Because I kinda want to say the fridge won this.

“Hm?  Yall didn’t see that, just crap between me n’ the missus.”

After that, Lonnie moved out, leaving the fridge behind of course.  He didn’t move in with his human girlfriend, seeing as she’s cheating on him with his cousin Guinevere D:<

“Don’t worry lil Dixie, grampapa’s heer, n’ ur daddy should be comin’ home any minute now…”

“Dodge!  Dodge, I’m so glad I found yew, I have somethin’ important to tell yew!  It’s ’bout Dixie!  I’m not the fathur Dodge, I really ain’t!  Ya see, I ran into that Sheldun’ guy-”

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YEW BEEN BOY?!  Yew ain’t gone out there to go git a job to support ur wife n’ baby, I know because I can smell LIQUOR on ur breath!  LIQUOR!  Hell, yew ain’t even 21 yet!  Do I HAVE ‘ta call ur mothur and bring HER into this to tell yew to act right?!”

“Dodge!  Please, just listen to me!  I know, I’ve been drinkin’ I was at the bar though-”

“THE BAR!  THE BAR DARR’LL?!  Yew are NAWT gonna become like that fuckin’ Shark guy, YEW HEAR ME?!  I EVER catch yew at the bar again, I’ll skin yew alive!  Yew have a WIFE AND CHILD yew need to be taken care of, and NAWT GETTIN’ DRUNK!”

“But Dodge!  Please listen to me-”

“NO!  Heer, take ur child and take care of her!  I’ve been watchin’ her all day, and she’s UR responsibility!  LEARN THAT!”

“But… she’s nawt mine!  Why don’t no one listen to me…”

“Stop fightin’ it n’ accept that ur a parent.”

“…I, sigh, Dixie’s nice n’ all, but… she’s nawt mine…”

“… Ya know, she’s nawt really all that bad of a lil baby…  Kinda cute actually.

Yew know wut, fuck it, it might be the alchohol talkin’ right now…”

“But dammit, ur my only friend in the world right now anyway (she really is, the loser) dammit, yew ain’t of my blood, but ur my dawghtur, ain’t ya?  Ur my kid!  Screw that cow killur, I don’t care if he’s ur birth fathur, yew don’t need him in ur life!  Hell, tomarrow I’m gonna go adopt yew at the court hawse, n’ yew’ll have my name!”

Actually, Darrell, you are going to the courthouse to change all your names back to Secksie.  Virginia, Dixie, and Darrell are all Adairs right now, and that won’t fly with me.

“Aww, no fair…”

“How’d yew like that lil gurl?!  Yew gonna be a daddy’s gurl, ain’t cha?  Ain’t cha!”

“DARR’LL PUT THE BABY DOWN OH GAWD UR KILLIN’ HER!”

And since then, Darr’ll doesn’t remember because he was drunk off his ass that night, but Dixie carried a face scar for the rest of her life from when her father severed her face off with the ceiling light.

“Yeah, ya know wut, just give me the baby, I’ll take care of her, I don’t trust yew.”

So, in a heartwarming chain of events, Darrell adopted Dixie as his actual child and accepted being forced into a marriage to a woman he loved anyway.  And for a few days, there was some peace in the Secksie household.

“Yo Jed!  I heard that you have a great grandchild now!  You happy?”

“I’m a great grandparent?!  I’m so EXCITED!  This is one of the happiest days in my lif-uh death!  I’m so thrilled!  EEEEEEE!”

“Oh god he hasn’t done that girly squeal in a while…”