You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This

Let’s see, last chapter Dodge and Amber got married and moved into their new house trailer, awaiting the day I’ll rebuild an actual house when Dodge hits his LTW.  I guess it might be cheating in a way, I call it cutting corners.

Before we go to the actual Secksie legacy lot, I’d like to catch you up on the rest of this sleepy little town of Twinbrook real quick.

First off, my simself, because I myself have never seen my simself hit the elder stage.  In both games, 2 and 3, I’ve always for some reason kill myself off before getting old.  Always by drowning I’ve recently noticed.  I’m starting to see a creepy pattern…

Iiiick. Old Sabrina is in dire need of a facelift.

I don’t think I mentioned it, but simself’s baby daddy had moved in around the time that Jeramy grew up, and just right after Dodge’s and Amber’s wedding, I noticed that I was wondering around town boohooing over a broken heart.  Further investigation showed that Pete died, probably either because he didn’t want to help raise a new child or depressed that he was really close to the elder stage too.  I must have rubbed off on him.

Here’s another thing that makes me sad.  This chick is Reina’s daughter, you know, man-girl CHASE BAYLESS’ granddaughter.

LOOK AT THIS SMOKING FOX.

I don’t get it.  And you can tell she’s a Bayless, look at her eyes!  I just… ugh!

Now let’s talk about people who are more important, the other Secksie families.

Chevy and Myles moved into a one room shack out in the middle of the swamp and got busy awfully quick.

Jed went to go give condolences to the only daughter he was even friends with, and Myles spared no expense on chewing his ass out over nothing.

“WHO LET YEW IN HEER OLD MAN?!  WE AIN’T A CHARITY CASE!”

“Wut the fuck are yew talkin’ ’bout, boy?!  I’m Chevy’s father!”

Didn’t mention that Myles is mean spirited and hot headed.

“Boy, I swear to gawd if ur talkin’ to my baby gurl the way ur talkin’ to me, I’ll have a gud mind to stick a fish hook in your penis!”

“BRING IT YEW OLD COOT”

“Boys, boys!  Stop that!  Dad, I’m sorry ’bout that, Myles had a few befur yew got heer.  He’s nawt always like this!  And don’t worry, he knows better than to talk to me in that tone.  I kick his ass from time to time.”

“Well yew better do baby gurl.  That husband of urs needs to know his place.”

“So, that’s my wife’s paw, huh?  Hmmm.”

“Yo dude, lemme borrow a couple hundred dollars.”

“Fur wut?!”

“Yew know, baby stuff like’uh crib and formula and stuff.”

“Sure!”

Yeah, and he’s a mooch.  Valuable husband material, isn’t he?  And dispite disliking him, Jed handed over money TWICE, taking him out of the red with Myles.

ALSO note that a crib was never bought.  Bet that money was spent on stuff like Coronas and shit.

Then again, I’d turn to the bottle too if my dad had a massive sex change and life style too.

Meanwhile, Chevy’s little sister also moved into a house with her hubby, but not in a shack like Chevy’s forced to live in.

Harley and Jeramy are kicking it back in the Racket’s old mansion.  Damn.

So Jeramy.  You know I’m your mother right?  Gonna take care of your aging frail mother?

No?

Berkliegh, who no one has heard from really since she moved out, finally got her some action.  I knew there was something strange about that girl.

And she didn’t even pick a good one, she had to get her an old dying woman too.

NOTE that I’ve also been spelling her name wrong throughout the whole legacy.  ALSO NOTE that her last name is still Racket.  I was just to distracted to actually go change it.  FUCK YOU SHARK.  I changed it back to Seckie at least with Jed.

Speaking of dating old Curious members, Spring had a mixed baby with what was probably the 100 year old Notzo.  Look.  Freaking blonde genes too.  Where the fuck is it coming from?!

“Get the fuck out of our house.”

Ok, I’m leaving, damn.

And finally, speaking of Buck’s decendents, Adriane, who attended the wedding, was supposed to leave right after for work or whatever.  Instead, she wondered into the house when it was done, walked onto the porch, and NEVER MOVED AGAIN.  And moveobjects doesn’t fix the problem as it usually does, probably because she wasn’t supposed to be there (and at the time, I didn’t think about resetting her).

“I’m gonna call Rachel and tell her wut a lovely weddin’ it wus last night!”

Good, and tell her that Dodge is no longer interested in her nor will ever see her again.  Skank.

“Hey, but at least settin’ up that screen fur the football game was a great idea, right?!  How ’bout them Steelers?!”

Please leave.

“I love the security in this town.  The cops are on top of everything, everything is safe and calm, and we don’t have to worry about criminals breakin’ into our houses and stuff-”

“IMHERETOSTEALYOUANDRAPEYOURPOSSESSIONS”

“OH JESUS CHRIST NO”

“Naw, jk, marry me Tamara”

“What?!  R-REALLY, JARED?!  Why so sudden?!”

“Because babe, I’ve had it locked in my wish panel for years now, I just… never got the courage to ask ya babe!”

“Oh Jared!  I thought you said you never wanted to get married!  W-what brought about this change in heart?!”

“Because babe, I got a funny feeling, the moment that your lips touched mine

Something shot right through meee, my heart skipped a beat in tiiiiimmmmee…”

“LOL, Toby Keith.”

“Aw, JARED!  This is just so SWEET!  I love it when you sing to me…”

“And I just love yew.  But yew kinda got to get ur stomach off the strings and ur boobs out of my face, I can’t concentrate or finish my serenade to yew.”

Meanwhile, back at the house, Amber popped into her maternity outfit and rubbed her tummyOH MY GOD GENERATION FIVE

It was then I noticed how stickly skinny Amber is.  I’m so used to Luanne and Melissa’s… meaty figures in a sense?

“Hey Dodge!  I just proposed to my lovely Tamara ’bout an hour ago, and we’re gettin’ married tomarra’ at the crack of dawn.  Yew down with that?”

“Married?  As in rings!  Look!  I’m wearin’ my ring!  I’m married!  Riiiiing…”

“Well howdy there!  This is ‘Fishin’ wit’ Jed’, and if ur curious ’bout where Jed went, just to assure yew, I’m Jed.  Just recently got older, yew know, nature waits fur no man!”

“Today, I’m gonna teach yall how to long distance fish!  Yall see that spot waaaaay ovur thur?!”

“Where the pipes come outta the rocks and that small group of fish jumpin’ out of the water?  Yeah, check out that hot spot fur fishin’!  The thang is, yall see those rocks on the side of the river?  Well, they’re blockin’ the way frum the road, and no fishin’ can get done!  Wutta yew supposed to do in this situat’shun?”

“Yew fish frum a spot waaaaaay down river!  ‘Nother choice fishin’ spot is all the way across the lake, in people’s backyards.  Don’t worry, they don’t complain!  And when ur fishin’ in places like this, don’t worry.  Yeah, I’m fishin’ against the river’s flow, but the cork is trained to stay right where it’s thrown, so it won’t come back unless I getta fish on the line!  Hey, can anyone even heer me from all the way ovur thur?  Hey?

Someone git that id’jit cameraboy back heer.”

“And wen yall get a tug on the line, yank back as usual and BOOM, instant lunch fur ur lil family.”

“I come back frum a long day of shootin’ fur my show, and Adriane is still on our porch?”

“Luk Jed, I’m tryina call a taxi!”

You are not, you keep calling Rachel over and over again for god knows what.

“I dare say my gud man!  I’d lika’ take a spot at ur wares if you don’t mind!”

“I’m sorry, but we don’t serve ur kind in heer anymore!  Didn’t you read the sign on ur way in heer?”

“Wut?  But… I’m not really british, I was just playin’ with accents!”

“No!  I’m talkin’ bout yew Secksies!  After that episode with that Sinbad fellow and aftur Chevy stole half the cars in the parkin’ lot, yall ain’t welcome back in heer!”

Those assholes didn’t have anything good to sell anyway.

“Hey!  I’m hungry!  Can yall at least throw me a chicken leg out heer or something?!”

Stop bitching about it and go home and feed yourself!!

“MELISSA!  Oh baby!  I missed yew so much!  I can’t believe yew came back finally!  Come to me, my dear Melissa!”

“Wut!?  No!  Git off me yew old pervert!  Rape!  RAPE!”

Huh?  You don’t remember your husband?  Damn.  No matter what Jed did, Melissa wanted nothing to do with him.  As if she didn’t remember him or whatever.  Well, this IS Melissa we are talking about.

Slightly dissappointed, Jed spent the remainder of the night trying to coax a raccoon out of the swampgrass.

Ok, he’s really releasing fish into the pond, but I can’t really tell.

“Hey, didn’t I used to work heer or somethin’?”

“Yeah, we decided to all go out and watch a movie and stuff-”

“OMG THAT IS SO SAD UNCLE JARED WHY?!”

WHAT?!  WHY?!  HE WAS ONLY 91!  I thought vegetarians were supposed to live longer!  THAT WASN’T LONGER!  DAMMIT AND I HAD HIS LITTLE WEDDING ALL PLANNED OUT FOR TOMARROW TOO.

“NO!  Uncle JARED!  Who’s gonna paint all our portraits now?!”

“Oh, that’s so depressing!  I tried to kiss him once!”

“What’s the mattur with yall guys?”

“Uncle Jared!  Yew just died!  And, and ur weddin’ tomarrow!  It’s ruined!”

“Well… I guess it was just my time I guess then boy…”

“But, sniff, but wut ’bout Tamara?!  She’ll never know wut’ll happen to yew!  Wut are we supposed to tell her?!”

“Just… just tell her… wut we had… it just wasn’t destined to leave the dance floor.  Dancin’ was as far as it goes… she’ll know wut I mean.”

“WAH!  But Uncle Jared!  I don’t even know where Tamara lives!  She’ll never find out!!”

“…OH GOD UR RIGHT”

“PLEASE DEATH!  GIVE ME ONE MORE DAY!  HELL, ALL I NEED IS AN HOUR!  PLEASE, TAMARA WILL NEVER KNOW I DIED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GREEN HORNET!”

“Nope, you’ve had decades to tell her how you feel, you have to go NOW.  I have a long list of things I want to you autograph for me, Mr. Secksie!  Do you know how long I’ve waited to get the leader of the Road Killers?!  Let’s go!”

And with that, our beloved Jared died before ever finally getting his wish to marry his Tamara, and everyone in the Secksie family grieved for a long time.

The following morning, I was going to send someone to her house to see how she was holding up, but the house now stands empty, with no evidence that Tamara was even there.

A little investigation led me to find that she moved in with the only friend she even had in this town, one of the only two gay guys in Twinbrook (both dating each other, duh), some old guy named Bimble.

“So yeah, he never showed up to marry me, yew know.  Just… left me heartbroken on my porch, didn’t call, nothing.  I just… don’t got anywhere to turn so can I like *lip quiver* stay with yew fur a while?”

“Stay with me as long as you want, Tamara.”

“It’s just… *sniff*… he should have never kissed me if he never ment it…”

I’m so sorry Tamara.  I really am.  Tamara died the following day, still heartbroken and miserable.

But of course, there are some people that aren’t saddened over the death of Jared.

TAKE LUCY RIGHT HERE

Already moved in on his bed and everything

“I really like this comfurtur!  Snake skin is so sexy!”

GTFO JARED’S BED!

Later on, Amber decided that she wanted to work on her gardening skill, I guess after moving a bunch of Jed’s old seeds into her inventory.  So I sent her pregnant ass into the woods as far as I could send her looking for the best seeds with Jed’s collector helping butterfly thing.

She went as far as the edge of Twinbrook, pretty much getting lost as she most possibly could.

There, she spent a good HOUR just grieving over the death of Jared…

Then she went bug hunting and found a bunch of beetles.

“Come back heer yew lil mu’fuckur!  I’m gonna put yew in a stew tonight!”

“Aww, ur a purdy color, aren’t cha?  I think I’ll keep yew and name you Jeff Fawxwurthy!”

Aw, look at how honored Jeff is that you named a bug after him.

“Oh, wut was that?  That HURT!  Oh no, wut do I do, wut do I do?!”

Ok calm down!  You are in the middle of the woods!  This is no time to panic!  THIS IS NO TIME TO PANIC!!

“I’m not in the middle of the woods, I’m lookin’ fur seeds in the beachside park now!”

Oh ok, good then.  You are in civilization.  For a second I thought we were going to have to have the baby in some bushes or something.

Well, aren’t you going to call a taxi?

“Pfft, I didn’t bring any cash on me!  I can just hike it to the hospital frum heer!”

Well, aren’t you just a modern day mountain girl.  If it were me, I’d have to die before someone made me walk to a hospital in labor.

So what is the baby going to look like?!  Well, a baby of course.  But is it a girl or a boy?  Find out next time!

And yeah, Jed.  All over the porch.  Stop gossiping about it and get out there and mop that mess up!