SHUT THE HELL UP ADRIANE YOU AREN’T GOING TO DIE. YOU HAVEN’T DIED YET, YOU AREN’T GOING TO NOW.
“HAH, that lady got eaten by uh plant. If it were me, I’d done take a shawtgun to it if it were in my yard.”
The first rule of cun’try livin’: “It’s a wonder of nature, let’s shoot it!”
“Ambur! Baby! Yew’ve been gone all night! Where’ve yew been?! I done got worried ’bout yew and everythang!”
“Oh Dodge! I went in labur’ out in the woods, so I had to walk to the hospitul! Yew don’t have’ta get off the couch, don’t worry, I got it all by mahself… ass…”
“Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Wait, today wus tuesday?! Really? Shit, where’ve I been fur the past three days?!”
Last chapter, Amber went into labor and our couple’s first baby is born! Meet Lonnie Secksie named after, who other than, the imbred banjo kid from Deliverance. I had to. That movie horrified me for life as a child.
Lonnie is an insane, evil baby. I thought I finally had all the evil sims out of the house for once (RIP Jared) and I still have an insane evil brat on this lot, IT’S CALLED LUCY
“Oh gud! I lived to see my gran’babies! I’m the happiest gran’paw in the world!”
“Gud, glad yew like bein’ a gran’paw, ‘cuz ur bunkin’ with Lonnie! Hope ya don’t mind sleepin’ in wut we now call the nurs’ry!”
In other news:
This is BETTER than a simbot! Better than two! And I lie, I don’t know, I haven’t gotten a simbot yet…
“Well I’ll be damn’! Dodge got us a porta-potty! Gud, ‘cuz that wifea’ his has been hoggin’ the bathroom all mawnin’-wait, why the fuck is there purple gas comin’ outta it?! Who’s the last person who used this thing?!”
*two hours later*
“WUT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Who put all those hippies in the porta-potty?! And damn, I didn’t know I helped Jimi Hendrix write Purple Haze…”
Well, I can kinda suspect where you might have gotten an idea for that.
Since the wedding, there have been several instances where Amber drempt about liking football. I wonder why.
Also, for the record, her gardening still sucks.
“I think I’m doing really gud fur my lil’ garden! What ‘cha think, lil’ tin can man?”
“I think yall need to get to helpin’ me get out of dis walkin’ position! Fuck! I’ve been walkin’ in place fo’ five generations now! Wus dat, a century?!”
More or less.
Sadly, tomato can gnome isn’t the only gnome stuck. These little bastards where released onto the lot when Dodge was a teenager, only to reappear here on the undeletable foundation for the first time ever. Maybe they’re the reason I can’t fucking get rid of it.
There are also three other regular gnomes frozen around in the yard. See if you can find them all in this chapter. Trust me, they’re there.
“Dad said somethin’ ’bout the porta-potty bein’ brokun, but I don’t see nothin’ really wrong with it, just needs some cleanin’ out in heer…”
*three hours later*
“WUT THE FUCK?! WHO THE HELL WHERE THOSE PEOPLE AND WHY WERE THEY IN MY PORTA-POTTY?!”
You guys DO know it’s not a porta potty, right?
“THEY THOUGHT I WAS A WITCH!”
It’s a time machine.
“THEY SET MY PLUNGER ON FIRE!”
“WAH I stink WAH I lonely WAH I tired and won’t sleep WAH the floor hygienator makes me nauseous dispite the fact that babies can’t throw up DISPITE the fact that I’m a baby”
“Oh thank gawd yew came in to take care of Lonnie wen ya did! I thought that boy’d never shut up!”
“Dad? Yew were just standin’ there for ’bout ten minutes! Yew could have taken care of Lonnie by urself!”
“I swore I’d never touch a baby after I was done raisin’ yew!”
“Dad, Sinbad raised me.”
“And I miss Sinbad.”
“Lookit’ wut I brought my baby fur bein’ born! He’ll love them!”
Those look awfully girly for a little boy, don’t you think?
“Yeah, well TAKE THE HINT *points at locked wishes*”
“Hello! I bet you all missed me! It’s me, your beloved Social Bunny, here to make you feel better about being schizophrenics and help you get over the fact that you will live alone for the remainder of your life in your sims 2 shack house!!”
“Screw you, Social bunny, I’M the most beloved sims 2 character that they missed! It’s me, Rapidash!”
“You aren’t in sims-”
“SHUT THE HELL UP RAPIDASH USED FIRE SPIN AND IT WAS EFFECTIVE BWA HAHAH”
“Pfft noobs, ain’t got nothin’ on me!”
Where’s your music box?
“It got buried with Luanne, I really don’t know.”
“Welcome, my dear fans ‘n viewurs. Welcome to wut may very be the last episode of ‘Fishin’ wit’ Jed’. Today, I can just feel it, but I think I’m close to catchin’ my final purfect fish. And that will be my final lesson to yall: catchin’ a fish that ain’t really a fish.”
“Ah! Speak of the devil! I already cawght it on the line! Talk ’bout easy fishin! Damn!”
“An check it out! The robot fish! The result of gov’ment conspir’sy and science tamperin’ with the intella’gent design! Hopefully it won’t explode wen I shrink it fur the fish bowl.”
“And with that, I put my fishin’ rod away in my butt fur the final time. I hope yall enjoyed this broadcast of ‘Fishin’ wit’ Jed.”
“I’m just… tired, yall know? I’ve been wanting to retire for ages now, and I wanna get some relaxin’ time in befure I meet my Melissa. I donno, I might come back every now and then, do a commercial for tackle or somethin’. I donno.”
“*grumble mumble* I’m too old fur this shit *mumble*”
With the final fish came the completion of Jed’s LTW. Finally, 13 fish littered throughout the house. Meet:
Samuel Adams the tuna, Heineken the rainbow trout, Budweiser the red herring, Keg the alley catfish, Tequila the clownfish…
Smirnoff the jellyfish, Budlight the goldfish, Corona the shark, Jagermeister the minnow, Keith Stone the siamese catfish, Coors the salmon…
Pacu the piranha, named after my own piranha, RIP you fatass bastard…
And the final addition to Jed’s hoard of fish, Moonshine the robot fish.
I also have Four Loko the deathfish. I don’t think there are any perfect death fish, but I wanted one anyway.
I SEE A TYPO
“What is this place? Why has father taken me to such a barbaric residence?”
I sure hope bringing home children through the time machine isn’t a norm because WHAT
Meet Heidi, Dodge’s child from who the fuck knows when or where, but she’s a snob, I remember that much about her.
“Oh my luv, wut’s that ur wearin’? It’s so purdy…”
“I call it Ode the Toliet dear. ‘Cuz that’s purdy much wut it is.”
“Might I ask who this hideous wench is and why is she on our property?”
Just ignore her Heidi, like I do you.
“Can yall git out right quick? I’d like to take my routine shower in heer.”
“Oh fur fuck sake. Mom? Can you get this fire ghost outta heer? I’m really workin’ on somethin’ really important heer and this asshole keeps comin’ in and chasin’ me out fur my emergency shower!”
“Sure can dear!”
“HEY GHOST MAN! Let’s go check out that snake skin print bed in the backyard *pat pat rub*”
I don’t… that’s… well… it chased Leroy out of the garage… that’s all that matters… I guess…
“OMG SUM’ONE SHIT IN THE TUB”
I guess that could explain it, I mean, is it even humanly possible to even BE that dirty?!
THANK GOD, I THOUGHT IT WASN’T EVER GOING TO HAPPEN
Hmm, she reminds me of something…
Yep, that’s it.
And I don’t know why, MAYBE ADRIANE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING LEFT THE YARD.
“Lol hi Adriane.”
“Yo, I’m here to pick up the dead chick, any final words or any grievances you want to talk about?”
“No, just get that damn dead hooker out of my yard and off my porch already! DAMN! Why the hell did it take two years fur that bitch to starve to death and die?!”
As you can tell, no one cared nor came to grieve for Adriane. As a matter of fact, Amber seems downright peeved with Adriane’s grave in her way.”
AND THEN, AT THE VERY SAME TIME ADRIANE DIED:
“I thought I was never going to get off of that prison in the Lunar colony! I guess I should keep a low profile or something… Amber and Dodge! I’m your SON FROM THE FUTURE!!”
Oh god. I blame them for trying for a baby in the time machine. I figured it was going to be like woohooing in an elevator or something. I was trying for a baby! Not a senior citizen older than his own father!
“Lol, wut’s going on?”
“Oh nothing just stabbing a dead hooker in the head with a scythe, you?”
“Well, my name is Warren! I’m sure you don’t care about my traits, I sure don’t! I’m from Saturn! On Saturn, we don’t have death, we just recycle our souls into new bodies and continue living!”
“Well uh… we don’t have that here. I just harvest them.”
“OH GOOD, that sounds like a fun new experience! I wonder wut you do with them? I can’t wait to find out!”
Uh, I’m guessing dead hooker pee. It showed up about the same time as Adriane’s ghost disappeared. I guess she had to ruin the porch one last time before finally leaving.
“Oh Saturn we don’t pee! Our bladders were replaced by robotic waste treatment blocks! I’ve never seen pee before!”
You’re in the Secksie’s world now. Oh the things you will learn.
“On Saturn we don’t have tv’s! We have holographic people that come in when we want them to to actually do stuff for us. Mostly woohoo.”
“Please git out, we ain’t interested in no bible salesmen.”
“Great, another bloke has made residence here. I should have stayed back in my own time and married the son of the chimney sweep, have a son named Leroy like he wanted, but no I had to follow my father into that portable outhouse.”
“This luks like a safe surrender sight!”
NO JED, I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO BRING LONNIE ANYWAY.
“He’ll be fine, the Jess ghosts will luk aftur their gram’baby, right?”
“My mom did that to me once at the park :D”
Merissa, hah, my daughter says the silliest things!
“Oh Jed! I have wonderful news fur yew my love! I’m pregnant again!”
I really think that if sims could cry over the news of a new baby, Dodge would really do it. I know I would.
“That’s, uh wonderful, baby! But uh, hell, we already have three kids heer we gotta take care of, two of them we’re still changin’ diapers fur!”
“WHY WON’T THIS DIGITAL HOLOBOX SCAN MY BRAINWAVES AND GIVE ME WUT I WANT?!”
“Namely that one, Ambur!”
Yay, baby number
four I guess it counts as two, is on it’s way! Excited? I AM!
“Who keeps shittin’ in the tub?!”
My guess, Dodge. He is a mechanic and a slob after all.