Birthdays and Other Junk

Time for another Southern Prettacy chapter, because I have them all backed up, and nothing to do.  Do I really have that little of a life?  The answer is yes, so we return to the Secksie family, who just had their second child, Buck, and Leroy and Amy are starting to feel the financial pressure.

“Now you wait in this here lobby until mommy get’s off work, you hear me Buck?  Mommy really needs to focus on her dream of bein’ famous in the fashion world, and like, get enough cash to pay off the washing machine.”

“Oh shit, that bitch is back.  And she brought a stupid little brat with her.  I swear, if that thing starts crying and stinking in my salon, I’m going to use it as tattoo practice!”

I don’t think Amy has many fans.  Then again, most of her work isn’t favorable among the masses.

“No no no, Jeffrey!  I can’t believe you grew up in that hideous track jacket and those Hilfiger jeans.  They don’t go together at ALL!”

“What?  I like this outfit!  It accentuates my ass!”

“I have a lot of work to do.”

“What did you do to me?  I look absolutely miserable!”

“It’s all the rage in the big cities!  And with that hairstyle, you were totally asking for it!”

“You will be sued.  After I slit my wrists to ease the pain from this horrible makeover.”

No one likes Amy’s makeovers.  Except for one guy.

“I love this eye shadow! Heeeey~”

But still, Amy didn’t get enough money to cover the bills that were in dire need of payment, and the next day, the dreaded announcement appeared on my screen, and there was only one thing I could do to evade it…

“Amy?  Whur’s all the furniture?  And the fridge?  Did I blow up everything in my sleep again?”

“No dear, I took all our belongings and hid them in the woods behind us.  The repo people are on their way to rip us off, so take a baby and pretend you aren’t home.”

There are several things I love about the sims 3, and the warning that the repo man is on their way before they get there is one of them.  You get the warning, and it gives you time to hide all your stuff in the family inventory before they arrive!  I beat the system!  HAHA!

“No!  Please STOP!  Don’t run me over, I’m just a child!”

“This is what you GET for trying to cast a spell on me with your demonic wiccan paper circles on my front porch!  Haha, DIE demon child!”

For fuck’s sake lady, she’s just doing her job!

“Like I’M supposed to do?!”

Touche.

“How can a family have absolutely nothing?  They don’t even have a fridge or a crib for those poor children!  Should I call social services?”

You do that and I’ll stick your body parts in an oil drum and sink it in the ocean.

“Holy hell, they even stripped their yard of all their trees and bushes!  What are they doing to all their belongings and money, using it on meth?”

Not in this dumpy trailer, no.

After that little incident, the house went back to normal, and people started arriving at the house, which means only one thing:

“That I’m just so dashingly gud lookin’.”

“What a fucking moron.”

“Haha!  That guy thinks he has friends.”

Um, no Leroy, and get away from my camera before your face breaks it.  It means that Luanne has her birthday coming up, and we finally get to see some more of what this little girl really looks like!

Amy had to get back out of bed, all miserable and stuff, because Leroy still can’t figure out how to raise his daughter.

“Haha, the cake is stupid, it make fire, but don’t explode.”

“What did I do in life to deserve this?  I could be, like, living with Sinbad in my million dollar mansion from my fashion franchises, but I’m stuck in this hick hell…”

“Haha, your cake failed, I’m going to be a cute, stinking, crying toddler for a bit longer!”

“Go to hell, Luanne.  You too, Sinbad, get off my fashion table.”

“Kiss my ass, no.”

So yeah, the cake didn’t even work for Amy.  Luckily, Luanne was going to grow up in two hours anyway, so I didn’t have to wait too long to see the kid.

“Hurby durr”

So she inherited her father’s massive overbite and punctured her bottom lip and will now be called the Beaver in school, until kids start hitting puberty and use ‘beaver’ in another sense.  She’s going to hate her childhood.

She got the trait ambitious, which is going to mix really well with her neuroticism.  Let’s just add Grumpy to the list and call it a class act.

She did inherit her mother’s blue haircolor, either that or her mother thought that it was a good idea to put dye on a five year old.  Not the first time I would see it.

“Mommy?  The bafroom is filfy and the sink is brokun’.”

“Not during mommy’s peepee time, dear.”

“Oh, wait… wait…WAIT!  OH MY GAW!  I have a DAUGHTER!  I just thought I was raising a bald pet monkey all this time!”

“Um, well, not right now mom, I’m really stinky right now.”

“I have a daughter! I can braid your hair and put you in dresses, and introduce you to eye shadow…”

“Finally!  We only have to worry about one child sleeping in the crib tonight, and not on the floor again!  This is a great day for us Leroy!”

“Nuh UH! My son is NOT going to sleep in a crib that’s pink!  I done gone bought him his own nice little green crib, so he ain’t sleepin’ in this!  He’ll grow up thinking it’s ok to play wit’ barbies and wearin’ dresses and kissing other boys!”

“He will NOT.  And if we are going to get him his own crib, then we should sell this one and try to get some money for it.”

“Huh-uh, nope.  I already have plans for this sum’ bitch.  So I recommend you stop feeding junior right now and follow me out the house or better yet, off the lot right quick.”

Leroy!  This family really needs money right now, and you are going to go and blow up a good crib you could have sold instead!  That’s not smart at all, you dumbass!

“It may not be smart, but it sure is fun!  And afterward, may I blow up the door after I destroy the crib?  I just busted a bunch of holes in it anyway.”

“No more pink crib!  WOOO!  Boom!  He he he, thar goes that stupid thing, along with the fridge and the ceiling light.”

So yes, Leroy wasted a good bit of cash just because he wanted to blow up some more stuff.  He almost looks cute doing this.  Almost.

“You are an asshole dad.  A major asshole.”

Amy then celebrated the scorching of their crappy carpet by making the family pancakes.

But what’s that in the center of the pancakes anyway?  A sprig of mint?  Lettuce?  Boogers?

I’ve lost my appetite.

Anyway, Amy had to go back to work, and get back to introducing hookers and confused teens to cobalt blue number 9.

Luanne had to go find something to do while Amy and her little brother went to the salon for eight hours, so she was told to go to town and find something to do until later.

“Wut’s goin’ on here?”

“We are protesting the pollutants that the city put in our septic tanks and are dumpin’ in our river!  It’s causin’ our citizens to turn invisible, loose all their renderin’, and causes our skulls to go soft, and we end up impalin’ ourselves in the head with our protest signs!  Down with pollutants!”

“Oh wow!  Thif’ is so excitin’!  I want to join the cause! Down wif pollutants!”

“Do whatever you can to help us little girl! Boycott quick meals!  Wet yourself more!  Kick the baby!  Ba dazie!”

“But first, I’m curious about wut’ dis city hall thing is.  I’ll be wight back.”

Meanwhile, back at the house, Buck became a toddler on his own, because the family is now too poor to afford even a cake.

I can already tell that he’s going to take a lot after his father.  DO NOT WANT.

I want PRETTY babies!  Uggos like you do not belong in this perfect redneck world I am creating!  Back in your mother’s vagina you go now.

“I’m back!  I took a tour of the city hall, and I was fafinated!”

“Did you get them to stop the pollution that is ravaging the town’s natural beauty?”

“What?  Hell naw, I was too focused on the history of that place!  Pol’tics are fascinatin’, and the republican party and the decline of the southern way of life, and Prefident Bush and Reagan are the greatest!  I realized somefing while I was in there!

I’m going to be the next pres’dent of da United States of ‘Merica!”

“Oh, and they told me to tell you to get off the government property, because they are going to release the hounds on you in a little while.”

Back at the house, the only sink broke, and laziness sets in.  The house is turning into a big mess.

Now all we need is a couple of coonhounds in the corner and the smell of steamed tomatoes *gag, vomit*

Anyway, like I said, they are poor.  Luanne got a bed, but she has to sleep outside for a while.  But that’s ok.  A little camping out on the porch for a couple, years, cough, builds character.

Meanwhile her parents celebrate their birthdays from Young Adult to Adult.

“Yay!  I get caek?!”

No.  You will be the same, we are poor, and it’s not worth it anyway.

“But what about me?  I’m the founder!  I want my own cake!”

No.  You wouldn’t know how to blow it out anyway, you couldn’t do it for your own daughter.

But for Leroy’s birthday, I tried to work on his lifetime wish some more.  I sent him back over to his only romantic interest at the moment, Jenni.

By the way, meet her daughter she had with Goodwin, Florence.  She’s already a teenager.  What the hell!?

It didn’t take the Secksies THAT damn long to have two children!  But Florence is already in high school!  I really need to get off my ass and get moving on this legacy.  The town is moving on without the Secksies!

“Why won’t you be my girl, Jenni?  We have a 100% relationship and you don’t have a girlfriend option?  Are you broken or something dear?”

“No, I just think it’s because you are married or something.  Who the fuck knows. Has to do something with the slow graphics or something, prolly.”

So yeah!  Leroy can’t ask anyone to be his girlfriend, no matter how high their relationship is!  I can only figure it’s because he’s married, because we all know that these sims aren’t the sex crazed lunatics from the sims 2.  We have come a long way from that discusting game, I’m sure *cries*

So yeah, it looks like Leroy won’t get his lifetime want at this rate.  I’m so pissed off.

“So yeah grandma!  I’m doing great in school!  I’m just about to enter my first year in college, oh wait, I’m now in my first year in college, and then I’m going to graduate and marry my fiance.  You met him, remember?  We will soon have a baby on the way.”

For Pete’s sake, Florence!  Slow the HELL down!  Let the stupid newb player catch up with the damn town!

“What the hell is your problem?!  Blue eye shadow?!  Are you mentally retarded or something!?  I’m going to fucking bury you in the garden, how’s THAT for payment?!”

Maybe in a upcoming chapter, we will stop bullshitting around and finally get somewhere with the legacy.  How long have I focused on Generation one?  Shouldn’t Leroy be dead now?  Damn.  Whatever, until next time!