The Pitter Patter of Barefoot Children

“No, no NO!  Brown is such a boring color!”

“Um, what’s wrong with it? I thought my outfit made me look civilized!”

“What you want to do when you walk into a room is make a statement!  You want colors that are bold and say something about you!  I have the outfit that is perfect for you!”

“You are going to be hearing from my lawyer.”

Oh hi, didn’t see you walk in here.  This is my Southern Prettacy, and so far we are still stuck on my ugly ass founder. Luckily, Amy’s resistant eggs finally gave in and became fertilized, so generation two is just around the door!

Which is good, because I was tired of looking at her cloud print boxer panties.

“Aw, I love sheep!  They are like little clouds!”

Stupid maternity.

Now that she’s pregnant, she can stay home from work, and actually be a good little housewife.

“Wuuut?!  But I thought that pregnant women, like, got to relax and enjoy their time off!”

Not you, and not in this type of legacy.  Pregnancy means cleaning.  Besides, you two let this house get WAY out of hand.  Generation one does NOT have to be synonymous with trashy.

When she isn’t picking up after her husband, Amy chases that dream of actually being good at fashion.  Which she’s not.

“This is going to be my greatest work ever!  I call it ‘Fat Hooker!”

Actually, that one might be a hit around here.

Leroy has spent most of the time talking on the phone and studying invention from the safety of books.  And when he isn’t doing that, he’s insulting the papergirls.

“He told me I was flat and he wouldn’t even consider stalking me for another two years!  That really hurt!”

Leroy!  What do I keep telling you about the younger girls?!

“Don’t get caught by their dads?”

Sigh.

“OHMAHGAW!  This is the greatest day of my life!  He’s finally eating my own cooking!”

“Well of course dear!  I’m starving, and Burger King doesn’t open for another two hours!  I have no choice!”

“Um, well, at least you aren’t digging out of the trash for scraps again.”

“Oh, I don’t think even the baby agrees with my cooking!  I think it just threw up and it’s like, coming out of my hootch!”

No that’s your water breaking.  Go call a taxi, our first baby is here!

“Ok, but where is my husband?!  I really need him here with me for this!”

Leroy, your wife is having a baby, you need to get to the hospital right now!

“I can’t, the shower is broken!  It’s like we have our own little fountain in the backyard now!”

You can fix that LATER!

“No!  I want my little fountain!  Think of it as a gift to our child for it’s first birthday!”

Ugh.  Anyway, Amy made it to the hospital in time and had little Luanne, who has daddy’s skin and eye color.  Her traits are neurotic and athletic, which means that she’s going to be one of the kids that’s going to constantly worry about her father hitting her because she didn’t win her pee wee football game, pretty much because the coach refuses to put any players that have vaginas.

And she’s named after Hank’s blonde niece off of King of the Hill.  Isn’t that nice?

The family is broke, and had to sell their extra toilet just so the baby didn’t have to sleep on the floor.  Behold, pink camouflage!

And here’s a little tidbit!  Deers are supposedly color blind to warm colors such as pink and bright orange, so when Luanne turns seven, the deers will know who to fear!

Luanne is going to be Twinbrook’s redneck ninja.

“What do you mean that my first child is a girl, Amy?!  I can’t take a girl out and teach her how to noodle catfish!  Those things in that there water out there will snap a girl in half!”

“Like you even know how to even fish yourself.”

Leroy does love Luanne though, I guess.  He’s always feeding her and every time she cries, he’s the one that gets up and takes care of her.  He does care for his daughter, dispite her handicapping gender.

“But still, can I have a son now?”

“Suriously?  I just got out of the hospital you know.”

“All the more reason to woohoo now!  I haven’t had any in several months!”

Not that he hasn’t tried though.

“Hey cutie pie!  What’cha doin’ around in this here junkyard and who’s your friend from the sims 1?”

My graphics card is shit and slow as hell.  She never rendered that day.  What the hell.

But Leroy finally got to level six in invention, and now knows how to blow shit up.

Really?  You have to STUDY to learn how to rig a bunch of cherry bombs to something?

“This isn’t just a cherry bomb, little missy.  This is five pounds of ACK-32 grade 4 blastin’ mater’al here!  Things are about to get more fun around here!”

“YES!  The crappy worthless stereo is gone!  And it was so loud!  MORE!  I need to blow up MORE!”

“HELL YEAH!  BOOM! Hahahaha!  I have created light!  I am GAWD!”

Leroy eventually ran out of junk and had to come back into the house, and the next day, had to host little Luanne’s first birthday.  Random neighbors were invited, including the local Opie kid and the grandmother-boy thing.

Seriously, what is Chase?  The first time I saw her/him/it I thought it was a grandmother until I realized Chase was a head shorter than Leroy.  I mean, this isn’t the first time southern breeding has confused me, but damn.

“So, wut am I supposed to do here?”

You have to help Luanne blow out her candles on her cake, since she’s a baby and can’t do it herself.  I know it’s the first time you had to do this, Leroy, but it’s not that hard.

“It IS though!  I think the cake is broken because I can’t get the candles to appear!  This is too fustrating!  Can I just blow it up and call it a day?”

“Boo, ugly guy!  This party sucks!  Your house sucks!”

Shut up, Thing.  Like you were the first choice for a guest here at the party anyway.

“Ah, I see why she can’t grow up!  She’s all corked up at the bottom!  It’s pluggin’ up all the grow up sparklies!”

“What are you talking about, it’s called poo, and she’s going to ‘uncork’ it all over your face in a second if you don’t stop holding her like that!”

“Well, whatever’s wrong with it, make it stow’p screamin’.  My jumbo sized ears are amplifying the noise and it’s makin’ me deaf!”

“Sigh.  Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”

Yes you do, Amy.  Sorry for making you wake up on your day off for this.  What Leroy failed to do seven times, Amy did it in one go.

“Haha, the cake failed.  You didn’ work for me, you dumb!”

I think it might have something to do with Leroy being an idiot.

Luanne grew up to look something like her mother, hopefully, and bald, which frustrates me. It looks like she’s going to have her mother’s black hair, but I can’t really tell because the mirror won’t let me change toddlers for some stupid reason.

After the party, Amy realized that she was pregnant again, and was excited to announce to Luanne that she was getting a brother or sister.

“Oh look Luanne dear!  You are going to have a little siblin’!  I’m so excited, aren’ you?”

“No, because I STINK!  I’ve been sitting in my own feces for two hours now!  Do something about that, will you PLEASE!?”

Leroy didn’t take the news of another mouth to feed very well, because no one is making money, with Amy pregnant all the time and Leroy spending all the money blowing stuff up.

“I’m not blowing stuff up this time!  The ants are having a nuclear war, and I just lent them mah blasting material!”

Then it shouldn’t have to cost you $20 bucks to fund an insect war!

“It does if you are on the confederate side!  Go south!”

“There is nothin’ wrong with this here stool at all, but since I can’t salvage it, I’m gonna blow it up to smithereens!  WOOOOOOOO!”

…….

“Aw crud.  Why didn’t the blasting powder go off already?  Dang, it’s a dud!”

“I wonder why this thing didn’t go off?  Was it this wire?  Or was it that ‘un?”

“Ah, I see now.  I forgot to set the timer off.  How dumb of me.”

After pulling the splinters and taking care of the third degree burns he got, I thought it was time for something safer for Leroy to do in the meantime.

“Shut it lady.  Like you are really going to use these old mountain dew bottles in ‘hur.  Just think of it as going to the good of my backyawd’ science lab!”

“Jeez, Luanne.  Since I told your father about my new pregnancy and that we are going bankrupt at the same time, he sure doesn’t stay home as much as he used to.  I wonder where he has wondered off to this time?”

“Hey baby.  Herd’ that Goode guy dumped you and left you barefoot and pregnant.  How ’bout you switch from the “Goode” guy to the bad boy?”

“Well, Sinbad is pretty hot, I thought that it would be kind of interesting to ask him out…”

“Um, I ment me.”

“Well, to tell you the truth, I just got out of the bar an hour ago, and you are starting to look like Brad Pitt under this street lamp.”

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

I think I’ve been putting off working on his lifetime wish for a while now.  I don’t know, I’ve always been a slackass when it came to lifetime wishes and LTWs.

Being a fashion designer apparently means that you are also good at painting in this world, so Amy started the family portraits since she had nothing else to do at the house since she’s out of work.

“I stuck with a monochrome color, since he’s such a REDneck in the first place.  And a jerk at that.  I call this one, ‘Livin’ with the Devil’.”

That’s lovely, put a satanic twist on your lovely husband.  Kind of symbolic in a way.

Sort of like the paper girls are lately.

“That assface that lives here insulted one of us, so we finally finished our ritual arrangement of dirty papers on his front porch!  Now, we can start the chant and finally have revenge on the dirty old bastard that lives here once and for all!  BWA HA HA HA!”

The paper girls have a thing about semi-circles.  But really?  Who still reads the paper in the sims 3?  We have computers now, like the things we use to play this game.  Get with the times, people, even the south ain’t that far behind.

“Ah, the stereo is back, my old nemesis.  We meet again, I see.”

“YES!  I have achieved nuclear fusion and have created a STAR in the junkyard!  I really DO have the power!”

“It’s ok little baby.  Maybe one day soon, daddy will blow himself up and we can cash in his life insurance and finally get out of this built on trailer we call a house.  Maybe even a double wide if the insurance is even really worth anything!”

“OK OK!  Sorry!  A foundation house, whatever you want!  Just stop kicking mommy’s uterus!  LEROY!  Get in here and take me to the hospital!  The baby is coming!”

“What?!  No!  No hospital bills, we couldn’t even afford the babysitter to come watch Luanne while you are at the hospital, much less the bills and lawsuits I’m facing from destroying things with lethal bombs, MUCH LESS a bed at the hospital.  Just get back in bed, and have the baby, and call me when you are done.  I’m going to the neighbors and watch the friday night game from their window!”

“Leroy, you are an ASSHOLE and I will hate you forever!”

So Amy had a home birth, and had Buck, named after many people out here, I’m sure, and also this pet squirrel we had a few months ago that we recently released.

He was the greatest pet ever.  When we released him, he turned on my brother (who never liked Buck in the first place) and bit the hell out of him.  That was the coolest day ever.

Sigh.

Anyway, this Buck is brave and clumsy, which here means, drunk and his last words will be, “HEY EVERYONE!  WATCH THIS!”

“Oh great, another mouth to feed.  I ain’t got the money to feed myself, much less two chaps.”

Oh Leroy.  Trust me, it get’s worse before it get’s better.  Just wait until next time.  In the next chapter, things really start going to hell for you guys.

About missmiserie

I'm HUNGRY.
This entry was posted in Generation 1. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to The Pitter Patter of Barefoot Children

  1. Pingback: Love and Marriage | The Southern Prettacy

  2. Simsnewbie23 says:

    “Anyway, this Buck is brave and clumsy, which here means, drunk and his last words will be, “HEY EVERYONE! WATCH THIS!”

    VERY funny!

  3. Dannielle says:

    This is so funny! You’re a great writer.

  4. Del says:

    Oh God, Chase had me crying with laughter. This is the funniest legacy/prettacy that I’ve ever read.

  5. kemalifan says:

    This is very fun to read! Make me love Sims 3 even more 😀
    I’m glad themonarchlegacy brought me here 🙂

  6. insanekittym says:

    My husband’s nicknames are Buck or Bucky, LOL.

  7. misims says:

    Loved Leroy’s ‘can’t afford the hospital bill’ speech. But he needs to be wearing the saggy boxers, no real (redneck) man wears a robe. God, I wish Pets had been out so they could’ve had some huntin’ dawgs.

    Squirrel!!! I just mentioned in neonrochelle’s legacy that we had one when I was little, I pulled the end of her tail off. (Don’t judge me, I waz only 7.) Did ya’ll ever let lizards bite the end of your nose and run around screaming for 5 minutes? (Not that I actually did this to my little cousin..shh!!!)

    I have heard those famous words many times in RL. And most of the time they weren’t even drunk. *HA* (I’ve even said them: “Hay pawpaw, watch this!” **does flip off top of swingset- lands flat on back-loses ability to breathe for several minutes** another great moment from my seventh year!)

    Loves this SO MUCH **goes to next chapter for more flashbacks, um.. FUN READING**

  8. I know this is 4 years after this was published, but I’ve just found this and OMG. It’s like you found the nest in the woods of Mississippi my family came from and wrote about it! Even the blowing stuff up bit! (The local fire department has an entire filing cabinet drawer dedicated to my dad and his obsession with setting it on fire because it’s good for it, or blowing it up because it’s fun .) This is awesome and I can’t wait to keep reading to see what other family members show up. Thank you for the laugh and the good reading! Hopefully by now you’ve finished college and have made it out of the black hole yourself.

    • GetSherlock says:

      I think you got it on the nose. I’m in the deep, deep woods of Mississippi and most of the people on my dad’s side of the family think that the solution to everything is a mixture of wine coolers, duct tape, and fire. And I think that a few relatives’ last words were indeed, “Hey, lookit this!” And then cousin Roho had the trailer up ten cinder blocks high… Anyway, this legacy is great and I hope to plow my way through it as fast as possible 🙂

  9. Eli Merren says:

    I think I may die of a hilarious attack before I finish this!

  10. LMAO, maybe work wasn’t the best place to read this, I’m getting funny looks…

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