And so, the vacation turned into its last few weeks, before Wren’s family would return home. Wulfric finally fought his shark and secured his status as the loser parent with his daughter. Wren was helping her sister Raven raise her resort’s star status, and Merlot and Syrah weren’t having any luck with the mermaid hunt. Just a herd of loser vampires.
Syrah: “Don’t be such a wet blanket, dude! I’m just trying to make waffles for breakfast, why you gotta be so damn loud?”
Syrah, you probably should leave that to someone else.
Triton: *Twerks on the sharks face*
Shark: “And you see why I bit your fishtail off all those years ago.”
Triton: “Cruel, but just payback.”
Triton: “Now I must return home, for that weirdo kid has returned, and wants my body.”
No one wants the lame normal human body you have, Triton.
Gnome: “A whole new world for me to adventure in! I can’t wait to block other sims way down here, glitch and go invisible, and get stuck right outside of the border of this lot!”
But he is a cutie mcpootie though.
Syrah: “Wow! You look even less like a fish man than Triton does! I almost mistook you for a drowning babe! But anyway, them breasts.”
Maya: “Yeah, the currents make them very bouncy and very hard to swim with. The lack of tail doesn’t help either.”
Merlot: “Where did that “mermaid” vanish off to, Syrah?!”
Syrah: “I don’t know, bra, but I do know where that SHARK CAME FROM”
Shark: “Have you defaulted or recently been involved in a foreclosure?”
Merlot: “OH NO!”
Merlot: “SYRAH, PLEASE CALL A SEA AMBULANCE”
Syrah: “Wow, I’m really tired of all these sharks attacking you, bra.”
Merlot: “OH, YOU’RE TIRED OF THE SHARK ATTACKS, I’M SO SORRY”
Merlot: “After a harrowing encounter with that darn shark, it’s so nice to just chill and say hello to the clams. Hello clams.”
Kraken: “Meine freund! Ich habe ein neues Schachspiel! Komm, spiel mit mir!”
Merlot: “What the-”
Merlot: “SYRAH! TELL MY FATHER AND SISTER I LOVE THEM! AND TELL MY MOTHER SHE ALWAYS DID A DECENT JOB CUTTING MY HAIR, I JUST NEVER APPRECIATED HER ENOUGH FOR IT”
Raven: “YES! Four stars! Now we are finally getting the recognition we deserve! I’m gonna go get snacks!”
You probably should go get a janitor crew while you’re at it. Been letting the place go while I was gone.
Merlot: “I sure hope no freaky giant octopus and sharks are in this place.”
Syrah: “I don’t think so. The sea grass seems to be too thick for them to squeeze through. I think you’re safe here, dude.”
Salty: “They think they’re safe, but I’m STEAMING MAD”
At the fact that your name is Salty or at the fact that you not only don’t have a tail, but you don’t have any feet either?
Salty: “Hah! For that, I have eaten your precious children.”
Merlot: “I wanted to be a merman, but not like this.”
How about you idiots don’t reset inside of each other, ok?!
Merlot: “Is this the mermaid you were talking about earlier? Damn, Syrah. You weren’t kidding about the boobies.”
Syrah: “I know, bra! Lookit’ them bob!”
Maya: “Do you two have to be so inappropriate?!”
Syrah: “ALRIGHT, this bullshit resetting stuff has GOT to stop! I just want to look around a sea cave, not sign waivers and fees to the resetting gods just to get through a hole in a rock!”
Merlot: “If I have to wait to depressurize one more time over this bullcrap, my brain is going to pop.”
Maya: “Maybe I should pay a visit to the land witch, Ursola, and see if I can trade anything for a fish tail. I don’t have a voice to pay her in, but maybe she takes payments in breasts.”
Shark: “I’m so glad I found you two again! So have either of you thought about it, and found a good co-signer with credit you are getting on board with???”
Syrah: “WHAT?! WHY ME, MERLOT’S THE ONE YOU WANT, GO GET HIM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”
Merlot: “I’m glad we finally got to talk face-to-face again since I once met you and you vanished on me a billion weeks ago, Mia.”
Mia: “Yeah, I do that. But it’s nice to befriend you slowly over a cellphone. Modern technology is all we need for friendships really! That, and your dad’s hot ass helps too.”
Syrah: *dying*
Mia: “Here you go, some of that dank kush.”
Merlot: “I have growing concerns about this actually.”
Merlot: “Uh, excuse you Mia, this is just a pickle.”
Mia: “No way, man! This is magic seaweed, it’s guarenteed to turn you into a merman, and you can join the oceans with us forever! Or you can give it to your dad, and let him join me. That’ll be hot too.”
Meanwhile, Syrah actually managed to win against the shark, first one to do too!
Syrah: “Please, I do this twice a week while surfing. Shark punching is my breakfast, dude!”
Syrah: “Let’s celebrate the shark’s ass whoopin with a little party up in my place! Woo!”
Merlot: “Maybe later. Right now I’m cherishing the last few moments I have as a mortal man! Hopefully, this seaweed will turn me into a mermaid, and not a water vampire like everyone else.”
Syrah: “Everyone else but Maya. Who, by the way, followed us onto the boathouse somehow. Don’t let her in, or she’ll sink the boat. You know, old sailor superstition.”
Maya: “Wow, rude. I’m not sinking anyone’s boat, I just want to read this human tome about talking llamas and wizard chickens. Do I really have to do it out here in the dark?”
Merlot: *Too busy having a bubble bath*
Door: *Suffocating, how did*
THANK GOD, new mermaids are ACTUALLY mermaids! Look! Fish legs! I had no idea your inner fish was a goldfish, Merlot!
Merlot: “Yeah, I was hoping for barracuda or deathfish, or even robot fish, but goldfish? This is almost embarrassing.”
Merlot: “I found a red Sharpie upstairs and colored my scales with it, I hope you don’t mind. But I finally feel like the fish I always wanted to be!”
Syrah: “Dude, you wanted to be a merman since two weeks ago. You sure this is gonna fly by with you’re folks?”
Merlot: “Dude, they probably won’t even notice! Now that I’m a merman, I can be free from their opinion! I feel like I’m me for the first time in forever!”
Syrah: “Coolio then, bra. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep oogling Maya’s chest from the window then until she gives up on trying to read.”
Raven: “You know. I’m really happy for everything you’ve helped me with, Wren. The resort is so cool now, we have a cool pool, bar, boarding, everything’s clean, and we’ve attracted a lot of hotties.”
Wren: “It is nice out here now. The sand is cleaner and the food is better. I’m glad to be of service.”
Raven: “I hear your husband finally came back from his little island he found, and your son finally showed up. He’s in the pool trying out his “sea legs” he said. You should go pay them a visit.”
Wren: “Hey son. How’s the water today?”
Merlot: “It’s nice, mom! Just being a fish now, that’s all.”
Wren: “Sounds cool. Later, son!”
Merlot: “Uh, ok.”
Marlon: “Very slow day, today actually. The only highlight I have today at the beach is that I realized other sims could move their boathouses too. That one parked right there in the middle of the bay where all the heavy boat traffic goes through. What a pack of assholes.”
Wren: “Oh, welcome to the pack, new bartender! How’s the new job holding up?!”
Greg: “I’d rather be wearing a Mickie D work uniform right now, ma’am.”
Wren: “It’ll grow on you, it’s a good look, and I’m so wasted right now to see nothing else but an actual pink rabbit serving me drinks!”
Greg: “Sigh…”
Merlot: “This is so great! I’m finally so happy with my life! No longer will I be just simple Merlot! I’m now Merlot the Marlin, the new king of the ocean! Wow, actually that name sounded so much better in concept.”
Merlot: “Hello, unresting soul. I am here to put aside your suffering and help you pass onto the other side.”
Cara: “Wha-I’M NOT SUFFERING! I drowned in a shower, not at sea, can’t I actually have some fun and do some activities without people thinking this is where I suffered my loss?! Get the hell out of here, kid!”
Syrah: “I have released my cousin into the wilds of the ocean and separated him from his family forever. I have done my good deed for the week. I deserve this relaxation.”
Merlot: “I’d go and say goodbye to my family, but apparently all is lost now. I guess Syrah forgot to turn off the stove again, so so much for returning there. Goodbye family, may I see you along the shores of where ever you travel!”
And so, Merlot headed for his new home in the sea, to find adventure, and new life amongst his people. You know, until the curfew police manage to set a fishing hook in his ear or something and haul him back home.
Meanwhile, the No Seasons finally topped out as the best resort in the whole town!
While it cost them more money to run the place than to actually make from it, Raven and Marlon were happy with their new and improved business.
To celebrate their new success as business moguls, they bought a new island, and treated Wren, Wulfric, and Chianti to a night on their new land.
Raven: “Camping is a wonderful getaway idea. Nothing but returning to nature, beautiful landscapes, and packing the hot tub to take with us was a great idea.”
Wren: “The sand here sticks together so much better than the resort sand! I’m going to have so much fun on the new island, Raven!”
Marlon: “Yeah, and with your sister turning in for the evening, I’m about to have so much fun in the hot tub with you, Raven!”
Raven: “Oh you dog!”
Wren: “I’m still RIGHT here, you guys.”
Syrah: “Well if this isn’t just thriller. Thanks mom, I really wanted to see you servicing dad’s “boogie board” in the hot tub.”
Marlon: “Ok, so maybe the hot tub humping isn’t such a good idea right now.”
Syrah: “Gonna try to forget about that scene this afternoon, and cook this squid over the fire, which looks a lot like a salmon steak, but I’m not arguin’.”
Marlon: “Hey, Chianti, where’s your father? He was supposed to meet us here hours ago for the celebration.”
Chianti: “He started ranting about obtaining the whole island nation. Something that the science facility told him that they wanted him to collect scales from all the minnows in the world. So I left him in the swan boat again and came on here.”
Wulfric: “Why does Chi have to be so hard on me and my goals?? I can catch the minnows, and she’s just being difficult. Sigh, I hate this boat. And it’s stupid swan face. Sigh… Great, now I can hear Germany’s national anthem being played from somewhere…”
Wulfric: “Great, and now the boat is taking on water. Could this day get any worse?”
Kraken: *Really loud Deutschlandlied*
Wren: “That’s what you get for dragging our daughter along on your hair brained, dangerous ideas, Wulfric! You know better than to anger a powerful witch and summoner such as your wife! Ugh. When will you ever learn…”
Kraken: *Please rise for your national anthem*
Wulfric: “OH GOD, WHAT DO I DO?! I’M NEVER GOING TO GET THE DEPOSIT BACK ON THAT BOAT!”
Wulfric: “SYRAH?! SYRAH IS THAT YOU?! QUICK, THROW ME A ROPE QUICK, I NEED TO BE DRAGGED BACK TO SHORE, I NEED TO MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS!”
Syrah: “Sorry Uncle Wolf, this board isn’t meant for two! Later, bra!”
Wulfric: “SYRAH GET BACK HERE AND HELP YOUR UNCLE, I DON’T SWIM WELL! SYRAH, COME ON NOW!”
And so, Syrah flew away into the night sky, leaving his uncle to get his toes nibbled off. Some say they were nibbled by the very minnows he was trying to catch, others say it was Mia Azul. But in the end, they all had a good vacation in Isla Paradiso.
***
Let’s take some time to have some afterthoughts on Island Paradise. Or skip to the end if you don’t want to read a block. First off, it’s a really pretty EP. The visuals are great and there is a good amount of cool new stuff in this game. Resorts impressed me the most, and the town is beautiful to look at. There’s always a new place to look at in this town, and I’ve barely scratched the surface touring it myself. New activities are fun, and the boats work like a charm and go through water more fluidly than I expected. I was afraid the land-to-sea transitions between sims, boats, and boathouses were going to be laggy and I am surprised that they work wonderfully well.
That being said, there are a lot more downsides to this EP than I wanted. A lot of people tell me Isla Paradiso is laggy and bugged, and doesn’t last as long as other towns. That’s troubling to hear, since so many things, like the Kraken and the scuba diving, seem to be virtually exclusive to this town. I didn’t have any problems out of the usual when I played, but I only played here for a short time personally. I hear that the problem can come from the Scott’s family’s boathouse not being docked correctly at the start of the game, so it’s recommended to deal with that problem upon the game’s start, but I haven’t tested that out myself so if you want to send a legacy family here, be precautious.
The town’s mermaids were a disappointment. Maya, Triton, Mia, and Salty should consider themselves embarrassed to even say they were mermaids. Apparently it was some sort of recent patch that messed them up? Get on your shit, EA. I tried to fix them myself (apparently I could do so through a loophole in testingcheats (?)) but every attempt to tamper with them crashed my game out. They didn’t really have a time to shine as their own sims, and that’s upsetting.
Underwater worlds are wonderful. I love everything about scuba diving, except it seems to take really long to build skill in it, and exploring caves for the first time reset everyone in the water onto the shore. Every cave does it the first time I do so. As I have said before, I hate having to “pop the cave’s cherry” just to use it without resetting.
I’m torn on the lifeguarding career. I didn’t get far enough in it to notice anything changing, and as strange and morbid as it sounds, I wish more sims would come and drown while Marlon was on duty. Some days no one showed up to be saved at all, and sometimes assholes would show up, get stuck in this “will I, won’t I” scenario, just to leave, and with the weird schedule, it could be days before Marlon would save anyone.
In conclusion, this is a great EP, but not the best, and not my favorite. With its problems, it seems like it would give even the best gaming computers some hard time. The content it comes with makes it worth it, if you are willing to put up with the bugs, and risk long term investment in staying in Isla Paradiso, at least until someone at EA bothers to solve the problems.
So I guess this is it. I’ll go back to the Pokemon and ISBI legacies for now, and it looks like you can go back to watching the resort, Darin Dick.
Darin Dick: “Wonderful! Does this mean that I can now have my old uniform back?”
Of course not, why ruin a good thing?
The Southern Prettacy 
It is a damn shame that the original mermaids no longer work properly. They looked so cool when they worked!
I’m just happy you didn’t get the kelp from Salty. (His kelp doesn’t turn your Sim into a mermaid. It just makes Sims sick) Otherwise, there wouldn’t be awesome Merlot Mermaid…Merlotmaid…eh, I can’t think of anything good.
Oh! And in case you were curious (and if I got the right links, you may have to copy-paste them), here are links that lead to pictures of Triton and Salty with their tails (before all this glitchiness happened) :
Oh so Salty IS the douche he looks like he is. Good thing I didn’t socialize with him then. Merlamaid? I can’t think of anything else either.
I like Triton’s tail, the yellow looks pretty good! Sucks I couldn’t actually see it in the game like I was supposed to >:I
I’d have to agree. I tried setting up some families here, but I have a habit of buying the biggest lot, which is right next to a mountain so if I scroll out even SLIGHTLY, the mountain blocks my view. As much as I love Isla Paradiso, it’s hard to do very much in it because of how glitchy it is. It’s a darn shame, but not much else I can do.
I really wanted volcanoes from this EP. The idea of a giant volcano storm with meteors falling from the sky was very appealing to me.
Still, resorts, islands, lifeguards, and mermaids are pretty cool. When they work properly.
This playthrough was loads of fun, though!