Time Paradox

Ah Twinbrook.  Long time, no see.  I see everything appears to be untouched and ready for the Secksies’ return.

I can almost smell the cornbread and moonshine.  Looks just like my backyard.

HOLY CRAP IT’S MY… mother?!

“MY MOBILE TELEPHONE’S GIVIN’ ME BRAIN CANCER!! MY HEALTH!!”

Renee William-Brown?  What the crap happened to you?  You’re… younger.

“That’s Renee William-Brown-Jones thank you very much.  I’m happily married to my husband of two years.  With our seven year old daughter.”

What decade are we in?

“End of the 80s…ish?  I don’t really remember myself, crack is cheap… crack is wack.  Now if you don’t mind, me and Holly Greenwood are having our weekly Madonna Fan Club meeting in here.  I mean, you can stay if you want.  It’s bad to the bone, and so much better than my AA meetings!”

I’ll… pass.

“Mama, please!  I’m so hungry!  Why couldn’t we go get a happy meal first like you promised?”

“You just want them My Little Pony toys they got in them things right now, Jenni!  Humph!  Fine, but Madonna first.  Madonna’s going to be forever, Jenni!  That My Little Pony crap’s just going to be a stupid little short fad.”

So, if we are in Twinbrook in the late 80s, then means our founder…

“What’s crackin’?! …No really, hat’cha lookin’ at?  Can’t a stray dawg like me can’t walk ’round downtown without garderin’ attention?!”

Sooo… Leroy doesn’t exist.  Yet.  The current Secksie clan traveled just a little far back in time.  I don’t think these people even know what dial-up is.

So without further distractions…

DUSTY!  Get yo’ bitch ass outta the camera’s way!

“Uh-k.  Sorry :I”

…The Secksies.

“Alright guys.  This newspaper still says Micheal Jackson is still black, so we can’t, ‘n shouldn’t, under any circumstances, mess anything up that can change the present-future.  Gawt it?  Don’t step on any bugs, don’t hurt anyone we meet, matter’fact, don’t breathe anyone else’s air, mmk?!”

A little late to be worried about all that, Dolly.  Just being here is probably enough to probably change a few things.

That and story progression is going to work this time XD

Along with them, new fresh simselves were added, maybe they will stay away from ugly people to breed with (OMG WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS TWINBROOK)

And I stuffed them all in two swamp houses.  How harmonious this will be!

And of course:

“Check it out!  Our ‘cross the street neighbors are CT, Lady, and Sugar and their families!  How convenient.”

“Very convenient, now I can see my grammbabies everyday!  Now, if yall don’t mind…”

“GIT OUTTA THE ROAD, DUMBASS!  LEARN TO DRIVE BITCH”

Wait makes this funnier, or in my case at the time, scarier, was that Tater’s car actually spun around on it’s front wheels before it smashed into the Harley Beast and sped off.

The first thing I did was reacquaint Bear with Tal just because I’m kinda mean like that.

“Glad to see you made it through the time wormhole, Tal, well not really.  Hope you can get accustomed to the time period here, well… not really.”

“Don’t worry about me, with my fashion sense, I may soon be the most hip guy in town.  However, sad to say, on the other hand, my wife didn’t make the trip.  I’m afraid that my poor Rochelle, scared and alone now, didn’t make it through the time machine :(”

I think she died, or better yet, she got enough sense in her head to escape leave Tal.  Ah well.  There’s a new version of her around.  LEAVE HER ALONE, TAL.

“Wut’ve we done?!  Anything I’ll do could mess up the space-time cawnstantinawple’.  My smart phone’s nawt workin’ anymore ‘n everyone smells like musky Calvin Klein!”

You’ll be fine.  Just don’t set anyone on fire and I think the line will be safe, Dolly.

And then what does she do?  Goes to Sinbad’s and Goodwin’s house. So much for being scared of changing the future.

“Why don’t you just be grateful your soon-to-be new father ain’t throwing your ass out into military school, you little shit!  Goodric bothered to take you in and the least you can do is put up with bunking with your brother, Goodwin!”

“Goodwin is NOT my brother, Goodric will NEVER be my daddy, and you are the shittest mom in the world, Sindney!”

“I could just CHOKE you, you little-”

“YAY fur me!  I finally found Pipaw’s old hawse!  I knew beatin’ up that hobo fur him to tell me the address wus a gud idea!  Even though I may have messed up the future doin’ so and I could turn into a redhead becawse of it fur all I know…”

“HEY.  Crackwhore!  This ain’t your pimp’s place, so you better turn around and go right back out that door if you know what’s good for you!”

“HUMPH, says the dried up ex biker slut.”

“WATCH IT.”

“Sinbad, are you inviting street hookers into the house again?!  I already cleaned this house twice from the last four you let in!  They are NOT stray animals other kids our age would rather help, you know!”

“But I feel so sorry for them…”

“I’m nawt a hooker, people…”

“Haha, ‘as right, you tell them, Goodwin.”

“Ooooh, Ms. Sindney’s panties…”

And now I see where Goodwin his horndog ways from.

“I can’t help it… they are all so homeless, and they all look at me with their crusty puppy dog eyes and I can’t help but let them sleep on the couch at night.”

“Well… despite all of father’s wallets that go conveniently missing after they leave, I guess it’s the good Samaritan thing to do…”

“Wut is it wid’ yew boys ‘n hookers?!”

“You know what I really like, lady?!  I loooove unicorns.  They are just so neat.”

“Wait a minute… Pipaw would never blat’ntly tell someone of his fondness for unicorns!   Oh gawd, just bein’ in this house is messin’ up with the space-time cawncenplatur’!  I better git outta heer as quick as I can!”

Back on the lot, a new house loomed over the riverside.  It’s an edited version of this house, and I’ll probably continue to add rooms to it as I see fit.

Awww, it’s a wittle horsie stampede!

Well considering half the horses in this stampede are “sleeping” there isn’t much “stamping” going on.

Also all the horses are named Zenyatta.  I know I shouldn’t have skimped on naming them myself, but real creative game.

My biggest problem so far with the house is their routing ability.

“What are you talking about?  I’m watching tv!”

Exactly.

The current sunday afternoon protest is about computers.  How strange.  Also, off topic, young Milly Pidgin cleans up real good.

“Our Commodore 64s are devices used to film us naked and record tapes of us in a government database in a genetic conspiracy program!  Down with technology!”

“I, Hannah, have recently tried the Commodore 64, and it’s internet sucks!  I want them to  hurry up and invent my “old” computer!”

…Sure.

“Yeah!  Windows 7 isn’t workin’ now, I can’t get my iTunes and Steam workin’, and all my porn and LOLcats ain’t even on my hard drive anymore!  Computers suck!  …I hate myself ;_;”

Aw, Starla sat down to play chess with her son.  Now what are the odds of that.

“Now I really don’t think you are my kid, boy.”

“But we look alike.  How can you say you aren’t my own parent?”

“We don’t look alike!  You look like a fish!  A big sucky-face pink salmon.”

“BOO HOO HOO”

“Oh no she di’n’t”

“SHUT UP SAM”

“HAHAHA!  Pink salmon!  I should’a come up wid’ that’un!”

“Ok Bear, jus’ hurry up ‘n make ur pasta ‘n get outta mah way.”

This picture is just to show how inappropriately appropriate the roadkill sign is.

“Hmm. My back is thinkin’ bout hedgehogs.”

Don’t you have a fiance you should go home to?!

Across town, Ken is meeting people as well.  And he’s also peeing on them.

“I’m so sorry sir.  I tend to forget I got to wear old people’s diapers, you know…”

Of course, from that gaudy attempt at fashion, one can only assume this is the Bull residence.  And on the Bull residence, there is of course…

Amy Bull.

“It’s the Amy Bull baby!  Foundress of my husband’s little clan!  And she is adorable.”

“Old man smell like my diaper!”

“Ah, the pee pee man is touching my baby.  Whenever you are done with her sir, give her back to me.  I’m going to have to burn that dress you’re touching that’s she’s wearing.”

“Seems a bit much, don’t you think?  It’s just piss.”

Living with the Secksies, ruined you, huh Ken?

“Wut?  Never seen a blue man swim through the ground befur?  Jeez.”

About this time, the Rackets started a long list of rivalries, namely Max Racket (another previously old person that cleans up real well.  So gangster.  Now I know where Bear gets all his swag) started picking fights with several simself girls, not just Cait here.

Very soon after, Shark’s father moved out of the house.

For a minute, I thought he had moved out by himself and abandoned his wife and kids at his parents, but I found them all together.  Being all familyish.

“I HATE this shack, Dennis!  It’s in bumfuck nowhere, the floors are cheap linolium and the doors are plywood.  PLYWOOD!  I didn’t agree to marry into this!”

“HUSH, Silver!  What with my father causing hell and picking fights with those strange women that appeared out of nowhere, you really still want to be at the big house when shit goes down?!  It’s safer if we go into hiding, and you can stand to live in a shack for a few months!  Damn!”

Still messing with the timeline and series of events.  Go me!

“Sorry to come through the wall so late at night and send ur wife screamin’ into the next room, but I wanted to introduce myself!  I’m Bear Secksie, and I’m from the future!  Coincidentally, I am, through many generations and such, related to yew!  In a way, ur are my grandpaw or something!”

“Wow… I mean, I promised Silver that I completely swore off the coke, but maybe I should really start actually cutting back…”

“Well if it isn’t my distant relative, Shark!  Ur such a cute baby, no wonder I still managed to inherit ur dashingly gud looks after all this time!”

“…Blue scary water man make Shawk’s nappy all soggy :I”

Aw, he is adorable.  I almost forgot why I hate him so much.

“WAH!  I WANT MY CWIB!  I WANT MY GOLD THWEDED PILLOW!  I HATE DA PAWCH HEWRE!”

“Shut up ‘Wowwy!  No bawdy gives a shit.”

Bear, sit up when you drive.  That’s not effective at all.

“Oh Taylor.  I’m so sorry ur mama made fun of yew and yew cried like a baby under the porch all night.  Come give me some sugah!”

“Mmm, giggity!”

“Sam, do you have to be everwhere I go?”

“Yes, Taylor, I do.”

“DAMMIT, DOLLY.”

“Sigh, wut is it, Nascar?”

“Yew gonna hurry up ‘n marry the boy already?  Lawd knows me ‘n Veronica can’t get married until you do.  Damn narrator won’t let us.”

“Well, that is true.”

“Taylor, ur gonna accept this ring’a mine, right heer, in this already dirty kitchen, befur I run off to work ‘r nawt?”

Oh Dolly.  You are the epitome of romance.

“Oh wow, it’s so freaking shiny!  Yeah, I’ll marry you!”

“Um, Sam, WHY are you still just standing there, you weirdo?!”

“I like being involved :(”

I’m sure you will dear.  I’m sure you will.

***End of chapter note: Leroy Secksiedog comes from Elissa’s Derp Legacy and he is awesome 😀