I can almost smell the cornbread and moonshine. Looks just like my backyard.
HOLY CRAP IT’S MY… mother?!
“MY MOBILE TELEPHONE’S GIVIN’ ME BRAIN CANCER!! MY HEALTH!!”
“That’s Renee William-Brown-Jones thank you very much. I’m happily married to my husband of two years. With our seven year old daughter.”
What decade are we in?
“End of the 80s…ish? I don’t really remember myself, crack is cheap… crack is wack. Now if you don’t mind, me and Holly Greenwood are having our weekly Madonna Fan Club meeting in here. I mean, you can stay if you want. It’s bad to the bone, and so much better than my AA meetings!”
“You just want them My Little Pony toys they got in them things right now, Jenni! Humph! Fine, but Madonna first. Madonna’s going to be forever, Jenni! That My Little Pony crap’s just going to be a stupid little short fad.”
So, if we are in Twinbrook in the late 80s, then means our founder…
Sooo… Leroy doesn’t exist. Yet. The current Secksie clan traveled just a little far back in time. I don’t think these people even know what dial-up is.
So without further distractions…
“Uh-k. Sorry :I”
“Alright guys. This newspaper still says Micheal Jackson is still black, so we can’t, ‘n shouldn’t, under any circumstances, mess anything up that can change the present-future. Gawt it? Don’t step on any bugs, don’t hurt anyone we meet, matter’fact, don’t breathe anyone else’s air, mmk?!”
A little late to be worried about all that, Dolly. Just being here is probably enough to probably change a few things.
That and story progression is going to work this time XD
“Check it out! Our ‘cross the street neighbors are CT, Lady, and Sugar and their families! How convenient.”
“Very convenient, now I can see my grammbabies everyday! Now, if yall don’t mind…”
Wait makes this funnier, or in my case at the time, scarier, was that Tater’s car actually spun around on it’s front wheels before it smashed into the Harley Beast and sped off.
“Glad to see you made it through the time wormhole, Tal, well not really. Hope you can get accustomed to the time period here, well… not really.”
“Don’t worry about me, with my fashion sense, I may soon be the most hip guy in town. However, sad to say, on the other hand, my wife didn’t make the trip. I’m afraid that my poor Rochelle, scared and alone now, didn’t make it through the time machine :(”
I think she died, or better yet, she got enough sense in her head to
escape leave Tal. Ah well. There’s a new version of her around. LEAVE HER ALONE, TAL.
You’ll be fine. Just don’t set anyone on fire and I think the line will be safe, Dolly.
“Why don’t you just be grateful your soon-to-be new father ain’t throwing your ass out into military school, you little shit! Goodric bothered to take you in and the least you can do is put up with bunking with your brother, Goodwin!”
“Goodwin is NOT my brother, Goodric will NEVER be my daddy, and you are the shittest mom in the world, Sindney!”
“I could just CHOKE you, you little-”
“YAY fur me! I finally found Pipaw’s old hawse! I knew beatin’ up that hobo fur him to tell me the address wus a gud idea! Even though I may have messed up the future doin’ so and I could turn into a redhead becawse of it fur all I know…”
“HEY. Crackwhore! This ain’t your pimp’s place, so you better turn around and go right back out that door if you know what’s good for you!”
“HUMPH, says the dried up ex biker slut.”
“Sinbad, are you inviting street hookers into the house again?! I already cleaned this house twice from the last four you let in! They are NOT stray animals other kids our age would rather help, you know!”
“But I feel so sorry for them…”
“I’m nawt a hooker, people…”
“Haha, ‘as right, you tell them, Goodwin.”
And now I see where Goodwin his horndog ways from.
“Well… despite all of father’s wallets that go conveniently missing after they leave, I guess it’s the good Samaritan thing to do…”
“Wut is it wid’ yew boys ‘n hookers?!”
“Wait a minute… Pipaw would never blat’ntly tell someone of his fondness for unicorns! Oh gawd, just bein’ in this house is messin’ up with the space-time cawncenplatur’! I better git outta heer as quick as I can!”
Back on the lot, a new house loomed over the riverside. It’s an edited version of this house, and I’ll probably continue to add rooms to it as I see fit.
Well considering half the horses in this stampede are “sleeping” there isn’t much “stamping” going on.
Also all the horses are named Zenyatta. I know I shouldn’t have skimped on naming them myself, but real creative game.
“What are you talking about? I’m watching tv!”
“Our Commodore 64s are devices used to film us naked and record tapes of us in a government database in a genetic conspiracy program! Down with technology!”
“I, Hannah, have recently tried the Commodore 64, and it’s internet sucks! I want them to hurry up and invent my “old” computer!”
“But we look alike. How can you say you aren’t my own parent?”
“We don’t look alike! You look like a fish! A big sucky-face pink salmon.”
“BOO HOO HOO”
“Oh no she di’n’t”
“SHUT UP SAM”
“Ok Bear, jus’ hurry up ‘n make ur pasta ‘n get outta mah way.”
Don’t you have a fiance you should go home to?!
“I’m so sorry sir. I tend to forget I got to wear old people’s diapers, you know…”
Of course, from that gaudy attempt at fashion, one can only assume this is the Bull residence. And on the Bull residence, there is of course…
“It’s the Amy Bull baby! Foundress of my husband’s little clan! And she is adorable.”
“Old man smell like my diaper!”
“Seems a bit much, don’t you think? It’s just piss.”
Living with the Secksies, ruined you, huh Ken?
About this time, the Rackets started a long list of rivalries, namely Max Racket (another previously old person that cleans up real well. So gangster. Now I know where Bear gets all his swag) started picking fights with several simself girls, not just Cait here.
For a minute, I thought he had moved out by himself and abandoned his wife and kids at his parents, but I found them all together. Being all familyish.
“HUSH, Silver! What with my father causing hell and picking fights with those strange women that appeared out of nowhere, you really still want to be at the big house when shit goes down?! It’s safer if we go into hiding, and you can stand to live in a shack for a few months! Damn!”
Still messing with the timeline and series of events. Go me!
“Sorry to come through the wall so late at night and send ur wife screamin’ into the next room, but I wanted to introduce myself! I’m Bear Secksie, and I’m from the future! Coincidentally, I am, through many generations and such, related to yew! In a way, ur are my grandpaw or something!”
“…Blue scary water man make Shawk’s nappy all soggy :I”
Aw, he is adorable. I almost forgot why I hate him so much.
“Shut up ‘Wowwy! No bawdy gives a shit.”
“Sam, do you have to be everwhere I go?”
“Yes, Taylor, I do.”
“Sigh, wut is it, Nascar?”
“Yew gonna hurry up ‘n marry the boy already? Lawd knows me ‘n Veronica can’t get married until you do. Damn narrator won’t let us.”
“Well, that is true.”
Oh Dolly. You are the epitome of romance.
“Oh wow, it’s so freaking shiny! Yeah, I’ll marry you!”
“I like being involved :(”
I’m sure you will dear. I’m sure you will.
***End of chapter note: Leroy Secksiedog comes from Elissa’s Derp Legacy and he is awesome 😀