Christmas Cheers and Tears

Hi guys!

Did you know: If I had my very own copy of Skyrim, you would probably never see me again?  Lucky for you, my brother took his copy back.  Along with his Xbox.  And his HD widescreen.  Unlucky for me, I’m still stuck relapsing, and sleepwalking at 4 in the morning because the orc stronghold demanded me to bring them a 2 liter Mountain Dew or I wouldn’t be accepted in their club ;_;

But maybe that won’t happen again tonight.

Moving on.

We start this chapter with some simself updates, as Rochelle joins the Secksie family in her own way.  Well, actually, not really.  She married a Secksie who’s actually the thrown out IF of a Secksie who’s only a Secksie in name only.  Oh Rochelle.  This makes me sad.

Two more simselves were also added to the town (there were going to be four but my computer decided to misplace them after downloading them.  Hopefully next time we won’t have that problem after I punch my computer in it’s screen face.)

First up is Megan, who was moved into Tate and Esme’s old house in town, and she got a roommate that I found in the simbin, that I don’t remember downloading, so I’m guessing she was a sim I downloaded from the oblivion crisis-I MEAN the Ambitions… townie babies crisis.

I have long forgotten who’s sim this probably is so if this is your Debbie, um, ta-da.  She’s Megan’s roommate.

Second is Hannah, who moved into Tallahassee’s old house that I so lovingly built for him before he moved off to live with his baby mama and all her housemates because he’s so smart.

Hannah also requested some specific roommates, so she got them.

“Wut… THIS ISN’T MY GRAVESITE!  And *GASP* MY WATCH!  WHERE THE HELL’S MAH WATCH?!”

Hi Lonnie.  Hi Jeramy.  Have fun taking care of Hannah.

And watch her.  I’m a little worried about what she’s probably planning over there.

Now back to the good part.

We start off with everyone pissing constantly and frequently, because what started as a Jared-wedding incident many generations ago has now become a full blown glitch, where everyone pees and pees and pees, and using the toilet is too hard for them.  They will stand in front of one and stare at it waiting for it to bite them on the crotch before they actually use it.

Here, I guess Pat was going to use the tub instead though.

Also, I am NEVER just clicking on Nascar’s stressed out moodlet again.  When Nascar is stressed, that really means he’s just desperately horny.

A LOT of emphasis on the desperate part.

“Nope, nothing suspicious in my livin’ room.  My frien’ly robot ‘n my loyal wife jus’ socializin’ is all.”

You are blind.

“‘N a lil’ deaf too I think.”

“Papa, are yew stupid ‘r wut?!”

“Not really.  A lil’ high though prolly.  I am a redneck “farmer” after all.”

Oh right.  What’s important right now is Lady’s birthday-

“Oh BELLA, ur so sexy when you blow dat horn *rubs chest on face*”

Can’t you two give it a rest?!

*commenced hand holding*

I’m going to lock you both up separately, you know this right?

Ah.

If Dolly is going to be a Tater clone, then Lady is surely going to be Ken’s copy.  Of course I hope not, but it looks like it…

Of course the party ends with a pee pee blessing.  Thanks Bella.  This is exactly what I needed right now!

“Someone please put me out of my misery.”

I want to.

“Behold!  I have given birth to the NEW Lake Superior!”

That’s just gross Bella.

“TATER!  Don’t sleep in Lake Bella!  Go take care of your new toddler!  She’s screaming over a wet diaper!  Go teach that girl how to use the potty!  Jeez!”

Bella then proceeded to be the happiest person in the house and that pissed me off because screw her!

If she’s so damn happy then SHE can stay home and take care of the babies and the dog and the horses.  I’m taking the rest of the family out on a drive around town in the new replacement motive mobile she bought the family with her points.

“Mm… nah.  I’m a little bit peckish right now.  I think I’ll have a slice of cake and fuck what you said about putting that kid to sleep in a crib.  I’m Bella!”

“Thank goodness papa and daddy decided to call a babysitter at the last second before leaving.”

“Are you kidding, kid?!  That bitch isn’t setting one foot into MY kitchen and touching on MY fine china!  I think she can watch you just fine from the porch.”

I want to choke you so much right now.

Originally, the guys were all going to go hang out at the Bistro, but by the time they all got in the car, the Bistro was closed, and so they all went to the 24 hour diner instead.  Ken walked in, sniffed the air and walked out to vomit.

“BLARRGH I’m tired of this vomiting stuff ;_;”

“Is that ur hand on mah ass?”

“Mmhmm, you bet your sweet bippy it is…”

“Sounds like someone’s askin’ fur a rammin’ later on ;)”

“Ooh, I don’t think I can wait ;D…”

“DAMMIT TATER THIS ISN’T WHAT I HAD IN MIND”

“DEMOLIT’SHUN DURBY FUCK YEAH >:D”

And here I thought Tater loved cars.

The boys finally got back home about 6 in the morning after pulling parts of the Stonewall Jackson out of the grill of the van and repainting it, only to find out that while they were gone, it snowed in their yard!  And just in their yard, the rest of the town was JEALOUS

Of course, it was a southern snow.  Two square acres of half inch soggy goodness, and Bella ran to the store earlier and bought enough canned goods, batteries, and candles to last through a nuclear war

The snowday was also Dolly’s birthday, and Bear did the honors.

And by honors I mean he destroyed the kitchen table.

“At least move away frum the table while ur holdin’ my kid, Bear!”

“Don’t worry about this man, I’m Bear!  I gawt this…”

Of course I also found out that Lady had NOT even been moved from her spot the night before.  That’s what made this event so much more frustrating…

“You are a really shitty grandmother, Bella.”

“I’d prefer the term, ‘sexy cougar’, thank you very much, Nascar.”

“What does she have to cry about?  I’m the one burning to death here!”

“I know, whiny lil’ kid of urs, ain’t she?!  It’s Dolly’s birthday, and she prefers to scream about herself.”

Yes yes, THE TABLE, PEOPLE

Ok, now that the table is replaced and all the neighbors and a useless firefighter are here to stare from the front porch, let’s try this again shall weBELLA TAKE CARE OF THE DAMN KID

“But I don’t WANNNA, I’m BELLLLA”

And I’m going to SCRATCH OUT YOUR EYES

Oh yes, Dolly.  And she isn’t a clone of Tater!  Yes!  I misjudged you, and now I love you again, Dolly.

“Yeah, well, yew furgot to finish teachin’ me to walk, so now I’m unlucky.”

It will keep you alive, now won’t it?!

“OWWW, UGHN, if my back hurts because of why I think it’s hurting, I’m going to kill Tater!”

Well, seeing as Lynard still hates you and Horse Bella hates the world right now, it’s not soreness from horse riding so…

“Yep, blue shirt.  I’m going to kill that man.”

“TATER!  I thought you said that after Dolly, YOU were going to have the next kid!  And then I had Lady.  So what the hell man?!  Why did I just stand in the yard for three hours and change into a blue shirt with familiar back pain, huh?!  I thought YOU were going to play the role as birther this time!”

“But Ken, can’t yew see?!  I also am in a new unexplained shirt after standin’ in the kitchen fur three hours!  I promised to be the mama daddy, and now I am!”

“But… so am I!  Technically I’m still the mama daddy again too, Tater!”

“…Well that’s what yew git fur gropin’ my butt the other day.”

Actually I just wanted to see what pregnant Tater would be like.  That and the quicker I get the kids out of the wombs the quicker we can actually get back to Ken getting any kind of horse riding experience.  I swear the horses mock the poor guy.

“That pussy cowboy wannabe tried riding me again the other day.  Can you believe that Bella?!  So I pooped on his crotch when I bucked him off and he hasn’t been back since.”

“Oh that’s nothing.  He tried approaching me the other day with that damn saddle and I threw a duck at him.  I felt sorry for the duck.”

*Angry Ken portrait is angry*

And then Christmas happened and the Secksies had a little Christmas to themselves, because the rest of the family could go blow it after their attitude at the Thanksgiving get-together.

The beautiful Christmas morn started off with the muddy melted snow slicking up the front walk and Hannah still standing on the porch from the morning before.

“I’m not stalking, if that’s what you are thinking.”

You live with Jeramy.  You ARE stalking.

“Nuh UH!  Just because Jeramy gave me some stalker pointers, like the fact that you don’t usually check the front porch on a regular basis for people, doesn’t mean I’m stalking!  I just like the sweet smell of Skoal wafting from their windows, and the breeze of Bear’s presence going past my butt ~_~”

That’s it, I’m having the family call Lonnie to come pick you up.

“GUUUUUYS!  WAKE UP!  WAKE THE KIDS UP TOO!  It’s CHRISTMUS’!  And I’m gonna be Santa this year guys!  WOOYEAH!”

“What the hell papa?  I thought we agreed that I was gonna be Santa this year, yew got to be Santa last year!”

“Well you certainly are fatter than he is, dear.”

“I will kick yew out of a window, Ken.”

“Pat, this is a day of celebration.  I TOLD you that if you are going to dress the part, you can’t half ass it like this!  Go put on your suit dear!  Don’t be lazy on me this year!”

“But Bella dear, remember that giant-ass hole in the crotch yew caused from las’ Christmus?  Yew never sewed that back up yew know!  Yew want my ‘jingle bells’ to be danglin’ out in fronna Gawd ‘n ery’body?”

“GUYS!  Watch ur potty mouth!  A child is present!”

“But Pat dear, that hole was your fault, remember ;)”

“Um, Bella, what…?!”

“Yeah, that’s right Nascar.  Santa was riding this lil’ reindeer all night long.”

“…I’m just going to be somewhere else now.”

“Well that’s nawt cool!  There’s nawt a damn present ovur heer wid my name on it!”

“Tater, that’s because the only gift you need is the little treasure I put in your tummy.”

“You are the worst present giver ever then, Ken >:I”

“:(”

You are a cranky preggo, Tater.

“Hey Bear.  This gift is from me and your brother!  I hope you like it, because it’s REALLY big, and for us to stuff it into this little box, there is going to be some major assembly required.”

“Great.  I look forward to that…”

Eventually, Bear got his own arcade machine put together, to which he’s constantly playing with in his underwear in front of his prisoners replacement dead Secksie members.

Leroy: “OOH, I wanna be the blue’un :D”

Shark: “NO, Shark is the blue one because there are two green ones, and there are two fire ghosts in the family.  Ur a green ghost.  Asshole.”

Leroy: “;_;”

“Here ya go Bella.  I picked it out at the pawn shop special, just for yew.”

“Oh crap.  What can it be I wonder.”

“It’s a woohooium ingot!  I remember wut yew were talking about the other day at the dinner table, about how ur favorite things in the world are long, red, and hard.  I saw it and thought of you.”

“Well… that’s sweet I guess.  But I didn’t get you anything Nascar…”

“Ah well then.  Say, how do you open your fly, Nascar?”

“Well I-wait, what?!”

“Last minute Christmas gift, sweetheart!  So open up and say mama, dear!”

I don’t think she cares about the children in the room.

“Daddy!  I love my present so much!  Can I go outside ‘n play with it now?!”

“Yea sweetheart.  But yew gotta ride it to school, since yew still have to go to school on Christmas.  Now hurry!  Befur’ I ground ya fur stayin’ home on a holiday!  GIT!”

Aw, Dolly got a Barbie car for Christmas :3

“Bitch PLEASE.  This is a CAMARO.  Ain’t no lil’ Barbie bitch car gonna top my ride, I’m high rollin’ now!”

…You know you have to share that with your sister when she gets older, right?

“>:(”

“Alright, now that the holiday party’s startin’ to die down, who wants some of my homemade Champagne?”

“Ooh ooh!  Mommy does!  You always make the best champagne, son!  I don’t know how you do it!”

“…That’s just nasty.”

“Wait papa!  We still have one more gift to give, and it’s fur yew dad.  Me ‘n Bear have been savin’ up our money fur this fur a while now, and well, we think ur gonna git a real kick outta this.”

“If it’s ‘nother pack of half used cigarettes because yew boys fur’got again, I’m going to bury yew both in the garden.”

“Oh no papa, we remembered, and trust me, yew are going to love it more than Sabrina loves it, and she loves the fuck out of it.”

AHHHH REAL COWPLANT APTGIHBDJKSJFEWGKSDFKWALED

The cowplant is my Christmas gift to myself, and I personally, am very pleased with it.

The real cowplant is to the right.

“Alright replica, get out of my spot.  You are sitting right where I’m going to sit from now on.”

“But… where is a little statue like me going to go now? :(”

“Don’t know, don’t care.  Move heifer.  This is my turf now.”

“Scoot over pig.”

“Wait Wha-NO!  Get out of my house!  This is Bloaty’s Retirement Mansion, not Home For Replaced CC Statues!  Get out alrea-STOP YOU ARE BREAKING MY UPSTAIRS WINDOWS!”

“Mmm, cozy.”

“I can’t believe it!  Best present my sons could ever give me!  I’m gonna love this cowplant furever!  I’m gonna take such gud care of it, I promise, boys!  It’s gonna be such a great gard’nin partner, ‘n I’m gonna train it to never bite people, and I’m gonna’-”

“Oh hell… all this excitement jus’ killed me.  Well damn.  Thanks a LOT boys.”

“No papa!  Don’t go!  You haven’t met ur final grandbabies yet!”

“BEAR DO SOMETHING! YOU ARE THE GHOST EXPERT!”

“NO papa!  Don’t die!  I don’t want my papa do die ‘n become a ghost, this is so horrible!  Wah!”

“Yew say that like being a ghost is a bad thing, brother…”

“Oh hell no!  You ain’t coming up in my house and ruining my family’s Christmas!  You better take your soul stealing ass somewhere else before I snap it in half!”

“Well fine, do YOU want to be the old man’s replacement?  Because something tells me Tater is going to hate that more than his elderly father going instead!”

Nice try, Ken.

“That’s ok, Death.  It’s been my time for a lil while now anyway.  But can ya’ hurry up ‘n take me already?  I can’t believe I died in a dorky sock hat with a pom pom on the end of it. Let’s go before I manage to die ‘gain outta embarrassment.”

“Sure thing.”

“NOOOO PAT!  WHO’S GONNA RIDE THE “WHITE TAILED DEER” NOOOOOW SOB”

Sigh.  Why wasn’t it you, Bella?  I liked Pat.

“Wow, that… really was an embarrassing Christmas.”

“You said it, mama!”

“How many times do I have to tell yall lil assholes?!  I ain’t ya’ mama!  Now stop FOLLOWING ME AROUND THE YARD ALREADY”

I actually got the pleasure of watching Pat die twice in the same place.  Think watching Pat die in a Santa hat on Christmas was sad the first time, try twice.  Thanks crashes.  I enjoy the torture.

And now, I’m going to end this chapter with a little more simself nonsense.

During this chapter, Rochelle and Tallahassee had their baby, whom they named after Sarah’s baby with Derrick.  I’m not sure if Sarah should feel honored, or weirded out.

Speaking of Sarah, she is due again with another random man, whom this time she decided to marry.  I have no idea what’s going to become of her other children.

Hannah is currently dating a divorce wash up, who is still having kids with his ex wife I think… I don’t even know if they are really divorced or if Hannah’s just a side dish…

And Megan got mine and Elissa’s sloppy thirds… for all of two days.

Thor was once again released into the wild to prey upon the unsuspecting simself chicks of the town.

And finally, some Secksie incest.  Because it’s not Secksie if it’s not in the family.  Sigh, Ronda and DD should be proud =_=

***The arcade machine was a gift from Puddinroy, which I just want to say again, is really cool and thanks a lot.  I can’t keep Bear off of it.  And Dolly’s toy car is a kid’s bike from here.  And no, I couldn’t get Tater to ride it as much as I wanted him to.