Grady: “Sorry babe!”
Shanon: “Daddy! Help me daddy! Mama’s hick sister and her family have lost their fucking minds!”
Fat Mortimer: “Not right now baby. Daddy’s got to go to work. Have fun with your game with Auntie DD and all them now! Bye bye!”
Well, that’s the last time I check on those family members for a while.
“Dammit horse! I’m TIRED of you asking me that! It’s my new doggie food dish! Now stop ASKING! I’m NOT sharing my cool new toy with you!”
“I don’t want to use your damn food dish! GOD. I have a whole buffet row I can go check out now that Pat’s gone!”
“O_O I don’t want to eat a cow, I’m just here for the little plant shoots in the garden…”
“Oh, fine. Since no one is taking care of them now, I guess it’s best if they are put out of their misery. Still. You even look at me funny, there will be one less horse in this garden.”
“Yeah… I kinda already went ahead and leveled most of the garden…”
“YOU DID WHAT?!”
Well, at least the horses are fairing well to Pat’s death.
Meanwhile, Bear still has a tendency to play pinball in his boxers. Not that I’m complaining though.
“Hee hee, I peed on you.”
“THAT’S IT HORSE, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU”
“AH, what, leggo of mah toof!”
“Listen, I blame you for the death of my husband, and if you even so lay a root on the horses, I will turn you into a veggi burger.”
“LEGGO MAH TOOF OO BITF! Her grip! How ish her grip so st’ong?!”
You don’t want to know, cowplant.
“Well first off, don’t CLAW through your damn stomach, Tater!”
Ah look, “twins”! Both green girls. Ken gave birth to Sugar, named after the country band Sugarland, and Tater gave birth to Carrie Tay, who is named after both Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift. Pretty much because I get those two confused all the time with each other.
Sugar is a couch potato and Carrie Tay is a slob, and both are light sleepers. Light sleepers make the worst toddlers, but we will see.
Bella: “But… I’m not DEAD yet! Where am I supposed to sleep now?!”
Oh yeah… Oh well.
“Naw babe, ur jus’ in time fur the show!”
“I couldn’t stay away furever! I jus’ kept thinkin’ bout my present frum the boys ‘n I’d been itchin’ to come back ‘n actually check it out! Literally. Itchin’.”
You should ask Bella about that.
“Wanna turn the swings on fast and see who spews chunks first?!”
I swear, every time I turn my back on these guys, they are trying to launch the babies in the swings into orbit.
“JESUS, BEAR. BREATHE MAN.”
“Ok yew two, ‘gotta funny joke. Man files fur divorce ‘n the judge asks why. ‘Man says, I caught mah wife in bed wid mah best friend. I told mah wife that it was over, she was a cheatin’ ho ‘n I wanted her ‘n her stuff outta the hawse by the next day. Then the judge asked, ‘well wut’cha do wid the best friend?’, ‘n then the man said ‘I popped him on the nose ‘n said ‘bad dog!'”
“Sigh. Tater babe, I love your corny jokes and all, but not at three in the morning.”
“Yeah Tater. Wake me up again ‘n I’ll throw one of my many found rocks at yew.”
“Git away frum mah kids, Bear.”
“Ain’t our little family just perfect, Tater?”
“Ken, I see that wish for another baby coming up in your wishes. Like HELL, man.”
“FINE… but hey, speaking of our perfect little family anyway, don’t you get the feeling something is missing though?”
“Yeah… Like, we have another child, right? Dolby? Debbie?”
Don’t you have school to go to today, Dolly? It’s almost 12pm, and you are still here?!
“Yeah well, the bus never showed up at the hawse. ‘Guess it’s a free day fur me. That’s sorta gud…”
“Nope, I got everything under control.”
I don’t know, you are looking really fucking stupid to me.
“I AM goin’ home! Yew know… whenever the bus driver gits ’round to comin’ to pick me up…”
YOU HAVE YOUR PINK CAR. DRIVE YOUR DAMN PINK CAR HOME FOR FUCKS SAKE.
“Gawd, Bella… I don’t know. I mean, Pat was a gud friend to me, I’ve known him since he was a lil’ baby… ‘n now his poor ole’ widow comes to me for comfort? I mean, I know I’ve had the “first kiss” wish in my box for as long as I could remember, but I jus’ don’t know…”
Getting these two together was EASY. Easier than with Shark even…
Bella: “What can I say, I AM easy.”
Nascar: “What can I say, I’m desperate.”
“The question is, my dear sister, who is SKILLIN’ from it?!”
“Oh gawd, it sounds like a rabid raccoon trapt in a tin trashcan!”
They got away with ruining the babies’ childhoods because daddy and papa were over at the museum, where they bought it out and opened up a Secksie Hall of Fame on the second floor. I got the idea from another legacy, of which I can’t remember which because I fail.
See, Tater saved all the portraits from the moves. He’s been carrying all the canvases around all this time.
“Had I known that the chunky red bird-beaked man was Tater’s ancestor, I would have thought differently of him when I first met him…”
Sorry about that.
“It’s best to not ask questions, son.”
“…I picked a REALLY bad time to do my homework at the kitchen table, didn’t I…”
This here just pisses me off a little. When I build a round pool, the sims can’t touch it. Oh no, the roundness is too damn complicated. But when EA builds a round pool, it’s the most simplest thing in the world! Screw this house and it’s working round pool.
“Does this pool make me look fat?”
Don’t you have a job to finish here, Bear?
“Yay for CT! Going to grow up to be such a pretty little girl, yes you are!”
Poor Ken. He’s the only one who really gives a shit about this.
“It’s true, I hate the rest of this family because of that right there.”
“…It’s going to be me that kills that woman, isn’t it?”
“Oh lawd, wut is it, Nascar?”
“I’m banging ur mama.”
“Yew might as well call me papa now, Tater.”
“If I just close my eyes, I can pretend that a half naked sex-stank old woman isn’t the one that’s holding me.”
“And yew look like my nose.”
That’s because you’re still cross eyed, dear.
“Does it matter, Horse Bella? I’m failin’ anyway, why should I go to school… it doesn’t make up for the fact that my Christmas was crap and has made me feel miserable ever since.”
Sigh, just hurry up and get on the bus!
Sometimes I don’t know why I bothered to get you a kid car if you WON’T EVEN CONSIDER USING IT.
“Damn woman. I’m a dog and I know better than to trust cake attached to a thorny throat vine.”
“At least have some damn table manners, plant. You know swallowing sluts in one gulp is rude.”
“Ah yes, well that’s what she gets for threatening me in my own garden and trying to pull my teeth out. I say good riddance to that… tasty… ho.”
“SOB, oh, sniffle snot boohoo… Bella! My poor BELLA! Why death why?! Sniff sniff… sob, she… she took my V card man! Why would you take her away from me?!”
“Really Nascar? Wow, you are pathetic, no wonder I’m never coming for you.”
And so, RIP Bella. I’d say you are handjobbing with the angels now, but I think that’s frowned upon in heaven. So you might be in hell now. Or even still alive in the inescapable pit of the cowplant’s stomach. Who knows.
And I’ll wrap this chapter up with some notifications that caught my eye from town.
Geobe: “I do hope you know, sir, that $8 today isn’t the same amount as it was back in your day.”
Lee: “I KNOW that. I’m being a sarcastic asshole, you chicken greaser.”
Geobe: “Me and my wife are very offended with you >:I”
Um, YES?! Teach CT to walk, dammit.
What, WHY?! What the crap, Tater, pick one of the two kids up or something!!
“I can’t! I can’t interact with the toddlers at ALL without cancelling the action first!!”