Brokeback Haystack

Hee hee, I rhymed.

So, after Bear and Tallahassee grew up, I thought that the house was way too small for all these sims, and building on to the house wasn’t really going to get anywhere.  It’s a small lot, and it’s a trailer.  So if I was going to add Ken to the house and have Ken and Tater babies, the house was going to get very  busy very fast.  So someone had to go.

I sent Bear and Tallahassee to a new home.

The moved onto the lot next door, so they wouldn’t be far from me (well, Bear anyway.  I could care less where Tallahassee goes after this).

“But why’d yew let Tallahassee design the damn thing?!”

“HEY, you weren’t even offering to help me design it, Bear!  I don’t want to hear you complain about my vision!”

“Please, don’t send me away to live in a giant carrot cake!”

But… the house is too small, Bear…

“…Why would you do this to me…?”

OH GOD BEAR, why do you have to make me rethink kicking you out?!  Please don’t leave, I changed my mind!  DON’T GO, BEAR!

But to refute my claim, the game runs SO much better on this lot than the other, bigger ones.  And that’s still not saying a lot.

But sometimes, it still gets a little hectic.  So I send the horses off to the little equestrian training grounds every so often, if I remember to.

“Um, Bella?  We have a big problem here… *clink clink*, can you go get someone with thumbs and a steel cutter? ._.”

It would be nice to keep Lynyrd with all four of his legs >:I

They pretty much spend all their time here sleeping.  Remember when I said they are the laziest animals ever?  I still mean that.

“Oh likable Bella.  Why can’t I become an astronaut?”

“Because you are afraid of space.”

“Golly gee, you are right!  Thanks for reminding me!”

-_-

While I’m reminded about my fear of solar flares, let’s move on to Tater having a bachelor party, considering I haven’t had one since Sinbad and Lucy got married.  Even the other groom was invited because why not.

“They know they can use the door, right?”

I don’t think they know, Tater.  It’s been about an hour already -_-

It’s sad that the first one to figure out how to use the door was Bear.

“Wut door?”

Exactly.

“Alright, here’s the deal, boys.  You can come in and do whatever you want at this bachelor party, but you see this ring here?!  Even think about touching my man, and I’ll bitch slap you.  With this hand.  With this ring on it.  I’m not even fucking kidding.”

“GASP!  Well at least I’ll get hit with what looks like a work of art!”

“Now I’m really glad that I was born with no cheek bones :D”

“Oh!  It’s gonna be that kind of party!  Woo!”

“Mm, yeah.  That’s a male strippur’ alright.”

“But look!  It’s Tate!  Yeah, I like Tate!”

Standing in between two half naked sexy male strippers, and Tater’s more concerned about the old prude that stayed on the porch the whole time the show was going on (considering that one of the strippers talked about dead people’s urns, but still)

“Eeh, I’ll just stand out here with the little elf boy and let them do… that… in there all they want.  Why, back in my day, we never saw any other naked people ‘cept our wives ‘n even then I ain’t never wanted to really see Esme in full light ‘cuz she’s had the same ole’ body since she was 23!”

“Well, I don’t want to go in there because I might get jealous and bite a stripper.  Because I can do all that they are doing in there just fine for Tater all he wants!  So why’s he got to go and hire strippers?!”

“STRIPPERS?!  Did someone say STRIPPERS?!”

Oh hell, Bella escaped from the tool shed.

*lots of pouting and heavy breathing*

NO BELLA.  You are NOT allowed in there until the strippers are gone.  It will be hell if you traumatize at least one of them and you might be looking at a lawsuit.

“Look at me!  I’d make a great male dancer too, wouldn’t I?”

As you can tell, the dancing is over and no one gives a rat’s ass, Tallahassee.

“Bear!  Give a speech!”

“Wut?  NO!”

“DO IT MAN!  Ur mah brother!”

“FINE.”

“Hey look Tater, I found the front door!!  *kills Cletus and lets in Bella*”

“Alright, er’body calm down ‘n shut up fur a second!  I have a speech fur mah bro, the man of the hour.  AHEM…  Tater is a freak of nature ‘n bigfoot yeti boys like him shouldn’t be allowed to mate at all.  Thank ya’ll.”

“Wut the hell, man.”

Cletus: *is still dying*

“In other words Tater, ur party sucked.”

“Awl, ur just pissy cuz I couldn’t get Opal to come dance on the table fur ya, now could I?”

“Why yew durty lil son of a bit-”

And this is where the game not only crashed, oh no, the entire computer SHUT OFF, because, oh get this, the new charger, the one I had to go out of my way to get, ISN’T WORKING EITHER ANYMORE, and I didn’t realize it until the computer said nighty night.

In a mad attempt to get any amount of power to the computer, I tried the first one that went out.  AND FUCK IF I KNEW IT, it went on instantly.  BUT.  If I move it, it goes back out.

SOOOOO, my computer is stuck on the floor, in front of my dresser, propped up on a digital camera, just being all in the way.  I hate everything about this thing right now.

After a nice little restart and a re-eviction of Tallahassee (BUT NOT BEAR THIS TIME 8D  I have learned my lesson!) I told myself to forget the bachelor party, I’m done waiting around.

MARRIAGE NOW.

Tater found Ken loitering around outside of the abandoned warehouse (like he could even be a criminal, LOOK AT HIM)

“GIT THE RINGS.”

“Um… ok?”

“LOL, this ain’t the bingo center!  Why am I driving?”

In the end, Tater and Ken didn’t have a lavish fancy-ass wedding like I wanted them to have, and that’s ok.  I hated the guests going through the “HOW DO PORCH WORK WHERE DOOR” routine at the last party.  Fuck that.

“Aw, ain’t that sweet!  Those two lamp posts are getting married!”

“ESME!  Git ur scrawny butt back heer, give me the car keys, ‘n take ur meds!”

And then Cletus blessed the wedding the only way he knew how.

“NO CLETUS!  BAD!  If ur gonna piss on mah leg, don’t squat like a girl!”

Then I went bird watching apparently.

AWWW

HOLY CRAP PINE CONES

Yes, I just got excited over pine cones.

“Aw, ain’t yew jus’ a sweet lil’ chicken nugget…”

“*Sniff sniff* … hey, why is it raining pee all of a sudden?!”

GAH

YOU TWO

MAKE OLD PEOPLE BABIES NOW

“Check this out, I found me onna’ dem Geico lizards…”

“‘N I’m ’bout to feed it to this bird.”

Bird: “Ah, yes.  Tweet tweet ma’fuka.”

Chameleon: *Nervous gulp*

Needless to say, the chameleon escaped and I never saw it again

Ok, am I don’t spamming you with the “wedding reception”?  LOL NO

Ok, here’s a game.  Let’s play Find the Horny Humpers in the Haystack!

If you smack the right one with a mallet, you win a stuffed purple lion like I did.

“Tater, I can’t find my pants now.”

“That’s ok, yew ain’t gonna really be needin’ them corpr’et duds anymore no how.”

Since Ken’s LTW is to be a Jockey, I gave him a rodeo cowboy makeover (because it’s the same damn thing if it takes place in a rabbit hole anyway.  Because I say so XD)

*stinks and ruins photo*

He then proceeded to take all morning trying to figure out how to get on a horse.  This could be a long LTW.

AND THEN, the repo man, despite the fact that I paid the damn bills, came in and took stuff!  I really need to remember that I have to play through to when the mailman gets the bills.  Because this is BULLSHIT.

That repo asshole destracted me long enough for Lynyrd to do THIS

OH HELL NO

Cletus: “Oooh boy!  I’m gon’ git sum fancy dog fud ta’night!”

“Alright horse… let’s try this agai-”

Lynyrd: “NO, the ICE CREAM TRUCK IS MOVIN’!  Everyone GIT OUTTA THE WAY!”

“Oh, I would like a nice green apple sherbet with extra nuts… WUT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T CATER TO HORSES?!”

Then Ken threw up in the bushes… but I don’t think he’s throwing up because of the bumpy horse ride 😀

…But how he managed to throw up on his back is beyond me.

“Tater’s mother, I have to ask… why do you think I’m an alien?  I mean, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything, but you seem so set on me being from outer space or something… why is that?”

Oh dear, Ken.  You shouldn’t open that box…

“Because aliens are SEXY, that’s why!  Now, how about we have some happy rub down time in my bed, what do you say, you martian man-hunk, you?!”

“WHAT?”

DAMMIT BELLA.  What is WRONG with you?!

“LOOK HERE, Bella!  I’m NOT an alien, and I am NOT going fuck around with you!  I married your SON, you stupid hoe!  And if you ever even THINK about coming on to me again, I’ll knock you out so hard on your skank ass, your own husband won’t even want you anymore!”

“UH!  I’ve never been so insulted!”

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry, Bella!  I didn’t mean to snap at you, I don’t usually do that!  I just think I’m all hormonal for some reason!  I don’t want Tater mad at me because I yelled at his mother!  Could you ever forgive me for that?”

“HUMPH.  Well, I guess I could try to forgive you… but you have to do something for me first…”

“I’M NOT HAVING RELATIONS WITH YOU.”

“Well FINE THEN!”

Tater spent the whole time behind them completely ignoring the scene between his husband and his mom, all the while turning Cletus into a shish kabob on some cruddy yard plants.

Cletus: “It’s just been a stabbin’ kind of week fur me…”

Aw, wait.  Is that a piggy chew toy?

Bloaty: “I FIND THAT OFFENSIVE”

In other news, Nascar has been breaking down a lot lately, more than usual.  It’s probably because of how poor he’s been taking care of himself lately, but he was perfectly fine and happy when he broke down this time.

I hope this doesn’t mean anything 😦

But good news!

IT’S BABY TIME

8D

“Alright now, Ken.  Now that ur gonna be havin’ the baby, no more horsin’ around on Lynyrd ‘r Bella ‘gain, ok?  Yew jus’ sit nice ‘n safe in heer ‘n learn all yew want ’bout ridin’ wid these books I got fur yew in town today, mmk?”

“Hmph.  This sucks anyway.”

I would find this loving moment between Tater and Ken endearing if it wasn’t for the fact that…

That looks a lot like a fist, Tater.

NO, BAD TATER.  NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST THE PREGGO *squirts with water bottle*

“Hm… I don’t know wut I’m doin’ LOL”

“WHO’S FUCKING AROUND IN MY KITCHEN”

Well, that’s it for now, Bear is trying to kill everyone with the stove.

Just one more thing before I end this.  Anyone ever played or at least dabbled around with the Sims Social on Facebook?

I don’t know why, but I can’t help but think that Bella’s “really, really big, glowing” secret is going to end with her trying to teach the poor alien about “the pleasures of human flesh” or something.

Or maybe that’s my Bella’s fault.  This is why she’s not allowed to have a computer.