The Lament of Bloaty: A Pets Expansion Adventure Part I

Good news everybody!  I was lucky enough to find someone with the charger I needed, and when I tested it on my computer, I discovered that it is in fact the charger that was shot, and not the port.  One drawn out and overly complicated trip later, I get a new charger, and we were back in business again.

Until I installed Pets.  Oh god, it was a hell of unfathomable proportions for the longest of times…

Tater: “Wut the fu-ALL I WANTED TO DO WUS GIT A POPSICLE”

Welcome to the horrors that is Pets, Tater.  Well, horror for me anyway, when all the problems were sorted through, the sims seemed to enjoy it fairly well.

But there’s one in the Secksie clan that I just knew was going to hate the Pets, if not for the same reasons I did.

This story is basically about Bloaty, and his little adventure into the new EP that is Pets.

“Dear diary:

I don’t have thumbs.  Oh damn that’s right.

This will be my mental blog then.  I was born a simple pig, mother was a noble woman, left alone to raise 23 piglets after my father ran away to become a Jimmy Dean sausage.  After joining Pat and his family, I befriended the Tater boy and we were friends for a while.  His ghost brother was ok, and for a while I thought his sister was a packmule.  Pat didn’t seem all to thrilled to hear that opinion of her from me, but then again, I didn’t know he could understand what I said anyway.

After Mountain Dew died, Pat was a little down.  More than anyone else in the family.  Heartbroken, Pat declared that the family would move, because he couldn’t bear to live in a house that killed his daughter.  So we moved to this town.  This… horrid little villa of a town, Appaloosa Plains.”

“I read about this place on the internet.  The town that would come with the new “pets” our world was getting.  Animals can could move on their own, actually befriend the sims.  I didn’t like the sound of it too much.  These… pets… they threatened little animals like me, the friends you can find in the Sculpture or the Misc. aisle in the shop catalog.  What would become of pets like me, huh?  Where in my existence would I fit in a world that no longer had a use for creatures like us?

I prayed when Pat declared that we were leaving Sunset.  I didn’t want to move to the Plains town, I didn’t want to even see a horse or a cat or a dog, at least not one that couldn’t be moved other than in shop mode.  But lo and behold, the moving truck backed away and we were here.  In Appaloosa.  The creator must have been lazy (I was, that and I fell in love with this house anyway), because we were instantly set in a very nice premade house for once… of course, it wasn’t going to be long before the Secksies brought their… southern flavor into this place…”

“I didn’t even have time to fear the arrival of my replacements.  Almost instantly, Pat adopted a horse, named Lynyrd…  Apparently Freebird was already taken by another horse in town… and then they got their hands on a hound named Cletus.  Hell, I was instantly forgotten.  I wasn’t even unpacked for three days after their arrival!”

“Watching them frolic and interact… I instantly knew that this was no longer my place to be.  I couldn’t join them, I couldn’t even join my family before they came…  Immediantly, I knew my time here was already up.  Soon the Secksies would put me on a back shelf, and I would be forgotten next to these adorable frolicking animals.”

“So, while my past family continued unpacking and while Pat lectured his father on why he couldn’t start a new meth lab in this fancy new barn of theirs, I slipped off of the property, and made my way down the road, in search of my destiny.”

“I traveled around the town for a few days.  Appaloosa was a really nice little town.  Very little.  Their population is nothing to the other towns it felt like.  Quiet.  But there was so much more here than Sunset.  Packed onto these lots, you knew this was a small town on the edge of a Civil War/Pioneer tourist trap.”

“This was a very ideal place to live… if it weren’t for all the varmints and creatures… taking over my life…  But oh, this world’s graphics card just can’t do this world justice.”

“Then one day, while sorting through sandwich scraps thrown in a garden patch, I realized that was lost.  Hopelessly lost in a town with no future for me.  Yes, this was a gorgeous town, but there was no place for me, and I knew I would never find Sunset again.  I lamented, what would become of old forgotten Bloaty?”

“One afternoon, I was sorting through an old trash bin, behind the little grocery store on the corner, when I heard a boy’s voice.”

“It called out to me, ‘here little piggy piggy‘…  Being hungry and tired of going through old hooker cigarette butts and litter box droppings, I wondered up to the young lad.”

“The kid looked familar, as if I’ve seen his features before in Sunset, and with that hair color, I knew he was related to Pat in some distant past. The kid smelled of shaving cream and pickle water, but he had a nice face, and gave me a soy cookie.  Tasted like crap too.

He said his name was Youtube… what kind of idiot would name a poor kid that?  Instantly I could tell this kid was lonely and in need of a friend.  And he came to me, a little toy pet, bought from the catalog!  Of course this kid needed a friend!  And so, that’s how I became Youtube’s pet for a while.”

“He let me follow him home, and it was a quaint little suburban dwelling north of town.  Youtube told me, ‘I think I’ll call you Smuckers… you’re going to like it here, Smuckers!  You can sleep at the foot of my bed, and you’ll get the best kind of chow we can get for you!  I think you are really going to enjoy it!‘

I couldn’t believe it!  Smuckers?  I thought Bloaty was bad but jeez.  No wonder the kid was lonely.”

“Then as soon as I walked into the house, I instantly realized why the kid looked familar.  There stood that Lee Ferne guy, Youtube’s father, with his husband VJ, Youtube’s… other father?  They didn’t even notice me at first, because Lee was WAY too excited over a cat pole.”

Youtube: “Dad, I brought home a new friend!  His name is going to be Smuckers, ok?”

Lee: “For what, two weeks?”

Youtube: “I’m serious dad, we AREN’T eating my pet pig!  Jeez dad, I hate it when you do bacon jokes, you know I’m a vegetarian…”

Lee: “You aren’t ever going to be evil like me, your brother, and your father, are you?”

Facebook: “I knew I smelled pickle water and shame back in the house!  And look, you found your real twin!  Moving into a sty with him too?”

Youtube: “Dad, tell him to stop making lame jokes at me…”

Lee: “Haha, I don’t know Youtube!  That one was actually pretty funny… Haha, a sty…”

Youtube: “Sigh.”

“Apparently, this kid, Facebook, was Youtube’s twin brother.  Dang, when it came to naming the kids, these two are idiots, aren’t they…  Apparently Facebook was the evil child, the apple in his father’s and grandparent’s eyes.  Youtube just came in a two for one package, I suppose.”

“The dream that I found my place to be… my pet free family… soon dashed out an open window, when I realized that this family did have a pet.  A cat, named Marian.  Youtube named her, which would explain why his father’s were upset that they couldn’t name her Yahoo…”

Marian: “The hell?!  Why you talkin’ to yourself, boy?  Weirdo.”

“Marian took a liking to me though… in all the wrong ways…”

Marian: “Aw Youtube, you brought me a gift!  How did you know I liked bacon?!”

Youtube: “Don’t do that Marian!  We aren’t going to pick on Smuckers now, he’s part of the family!”

Marian: “Or what, what are you going to do about it, Youtube?! You big baby, you are a bigger pussy than I am!  How about grow a pair and work out a bit before you even think about taking me on!”

Youtube: “Sigh… you are right…”

“While he was getting his ass handed to him by a cat, I took a look around Youtube’s house.  There was one bedroom in the house, and it was occupied by a… bird.”

Turnip: “I JUST LOVE FLYING AND SHITTING ON EVERYTHING THEY LOVE”

“I didn’t stay in there long.”

“Youtube led me through the rest of the house.  He shared the garage with his twin brother, in a cozy little bachelor pad in the front of the house, Facebook on one side, and Youtube on the other.”

“Facebook also had a little pet, a python named Monty.  Ever see someone snuggling with a snake that wasn’t Lord Voldemort or any chicks from weird bestiality porn?  Neither did I until then.”

Youtube: “Can’t you put that snake down for ten seconds and help me show Smuckers around the house.”

Facebook: “SHHH, shut up sis.  Monty is telling me on how I should humiliate you tomarrow in front of the cheerleaders…”

“After Youtube took a swing at Facebook and then had to pry a snake off of his face, Youtube went to sleep, and I at the foot of his bed, just as promised.

As I laid down for the night, well, I tried to anyway, I knew that this was going to be a long and wonderful friendship with my new family.  Well, I thought so anyway.”

“A day or two went by.  Youtube and his family got along rather well after all.  Turns out he was friends with his fathers just fine.  Facebook was the antisocial weirdo that went around with the snake in his front pocket, pranking and yelling profanities at pedestrians.  

As I feared, the family loved pets as well.  They tried to befriend any animal that walked by their house.  Even the destructive little puppies, the horrifying puppies that looked like what a love child between Mordor and the depths of Hell would look like.”

Melting puppy: “I HARVEST THE SOULS OF THE CHILDREN NAMED IN THIS NEWSPAPER”

“I was bored waiting on Youtube to come back from school, and one day just watched Marian.  She was a cat, but dare I say it? I found her intriguing.”

Marian: “Is that a hair ball?  My POOP?  HAHA, I SHALL NEVER TELL I’m tired now.”

“The cat slept a lot.”

Bloaty: “Don’t do it, Marian!  Things that fall in there don’t come back out!”

Marian: “No, I have to!  Do you know how hard it is to poop anywhere else when you have a people butt like I do?!  You don’t UNDERSTAND!”

Facebook: “No cat!  This is my bed!  I need to sleep here and I don’t need you rolling all over my Playboys hidden under the covers!”

Marian: “Screw you man, I’m tired!  Go sleep on a counter for once, see how you like it!”

Facebook: “But… I’m the person in this household…”

Marian: “Look Facebook!  This is how much I care!  Zzzz…”

Facebook: “Hey look cat!  I have a nice heavy BRICK for you-”

Lee in the kitchen: “HIT THE CAT WITH A BRICK AGAIN FACEBOOK AND I’LL SNAP YOUR LITTLE NECK”

Marian: “Oh hi!  I think I like you FOREVER! Friendship :D”

Raccoon: “I’m a hydrophobic!  Wanna know what that means to a raccoon?! :D”

Bloaty: “Not while I’m doing ‘pig business’ in the bushes over here guys, GOSH”

Facebook: “Oh so fluf-”

Raccoon: “HISS”

Facebook: “YOUTUBE BRING ME THE BRICK”

Wild Horse: “You didn’t have to bite the kid you know.”

Raccoon: “Of course I did.  And he’s going to need more than a band aid after I was done with him and his little ‘brick’.”

“Curious, I followed the wild horse that night.  He was trotting down a well worn path, a path I sensed he had traveled many a night.  Where was this old veteran heading?  To a haven for horses?  An animal utopia of sorts?”

“Turns out he was meeting his buddies in front of this small house downtown.  Horses are a weird bunch…”

Spotted Horse: “Oh mah gawd, put your shirt back on!  He doesn’t want to see that!”

Followed horse: “Gross dude!  Those dance moves aren’t going to do it for you eithe- oh sick, he’s ‘windmilling’ it, duuude….”

“Horses are apparently perverts too, so I went home.”

“The next day was a Saturday, so their dad’s kicked the boys out for some ‘alone time’.  Bella used to tell me that a lot, so ‘alone time’ wasn’t a very… nice time.  I followed the boys too.

They headed next door, ‘to greet their new neighbors or something’.”

“But of course… teenagers.  They greeted them the only way teenagers could I suppose, which apparently involved Youtube falling off the porch.”

“Of course the woman of the house… oh wait a minute, that’s a man… the man of the house stormed out, shouting all kinds of frantic, jumbled threats to the boys.  The woman… ok yes, that one is a woman, I’m sure of it this time, I guess… called out to the man to calm down before he gave himself a hernia and that she was going to get the pickaxe.”

“Youtube and Facebook jumped off the porch and ran back to the house howling with laughter, just in time to celebrate their success with the ice cream truck.  I was left a little shocked that Youtube was even capitable of such actions, but my days with him did leave me with the impression that he had a grumpy side.  With his family, he could sure enough turn into the evil creature his parents hoped he would become.

Anyway, I eventually snapped out of my shock and turned to follow the boys off the porch…”

“When I realized that I was face to face with my most hated creature since my horror filled experience with the holloween dobermans… dogs.  Two blood thirsty killers, I knew!  I was going to die on the porch to these two wolves!  Oh dogs… why did it have to be dogs?!”

And so, we end this first half with Bloaty glaring down his sure death… the ending will be up next!