A Wish For A Normal Wedding

Hey Pat.  Ready to do another chapter?

“Wuzzuhuh?”

I think he is.

After their wedding, DD and Bun moved out to face the dangers of story progression, which has started to do nothing for me again (MY COMPUTER HATES SUCCESS), where they gave birth to probably their only child, Anwar, which sounds like he will grow up to be a futuristic cybernetic warlord/heavy metal band guitarist.

Also, Nascar got an upgrade.

“I CAN SEE FOREVER”

Ok, maybe not.

“Hmm, the fireplace is a lil’ warm.  Feels like someone’s been tamperin’ wid the fireplace wen they know how much I hate it when this thing’s touched… RONDA.”

“Don’t fuckin’ look at me, I ain’t touched ur precious fireplace >:I”

With only two women left in the house, it looked like they would turn their hormones on each other, but a new women soon joined the Secksie family…

“OH MY GOD, A PUPPY :D”

Oh STFU Bella and go to the barn, Pat’s already up their checking out new objects hay.

“Hey Pat!”

“Hee hee… Hay…”

“Bella!  I called yew to mah hawse cuz I wanted to give yew these!  I picked them outta the field today, jus’ fur yew!”

“Oh Pat, they are so beautiful, I love them!  I will keep them forever with the other flowers you got me years ago for prom!”

“Oh Bella, ur still as lovely as the day I found yew standin’ behind ur parent’s stone fence, givin’ out handjobs to every boy that passed ur hawse!  Move in wid’ me, ‘n I’ll promise that yew’ll never have to do those kinna’ things ever again!”

“Oh Pat, I would love to live with you!  Plus with my brother running around without pants and underwear on, it was getting kinda awkward.”

“Yew know wut?  Why ruin this wonderful moment we’re havin’ right now!  How ’bout we git married, right heer, right now!”

“Tee hee, in this stuffy barn loft, really?”

“Yeah, why nawt! After all, every time mah family’s ever had a weddin’ party, somethin’ screws it up!  Let’s jus’ have a small lil’ thing, right heer!”

“Ok!”

Pat and Bella quickly exchanged rings in the solitude of the barn, nothing to mess up their beautiful moment…

“Wanna go check out how soft the hay is behind the storage room door?”

“OMG I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK *speed strips*”

“Oh YEAH, gonna go git laid now!”

And in the loft room, they found…

“Wut the fuck yall doin’ in heer?!  Pat, yew ‘n ur bitch git on outta heer!”

“I’m tryina’ make drugs to sell on the side in heer!”

Dale, that’s the potion table.

“Bitch, do yew NAWT see that gas tank ‘n the paint thinner under the table?!  ‘Is a damn meth set up ‘n yew know it!”

“PAPA!  Wut the FUCK?!  Yew built a METH LAB in the storage room of MAH BARN?!”

“I know!  Ur papa’s really messed up, Pat mah boy.  I jus’ ain’t as gangsta as I usta’ be, ya know?”

Actually, after adding the “potion” table to the back yard at the old house, Dale has been rolling wishes to make potions for a while now.  It was only a matter of time, anyway.

Anyway, Bella Secksie after moving in.

“I look like one of those little house on the prairie chicks now…”

She wants to be leader of the free world.  Haha, women in politics.

“KAMEHAMEHA”

Dale, you know it’s more normal to use the fire hose, right?

He also uses his axe like I use the mop at work.

“Dammit, why can’t I git this door to bust open?!”

I don’t know, but try using both hands.  It will get you back to the house faster.

“Dammit Bella!  Why is Bloateh’ outta his pen?!”

“Don’t yell at me!  The poor puppy looked so lonely out there in that nasty little gate, so I let him out.”

“But nawt in the hawse Bella!  Damn!”

“Oh Pat.  Let me just take your mind off of Bloaty…”

“Oh really… wut’cha gawt in mind…”

“HEY GUYS IN HEER IN THE DININ’ ROOM, I PEED MAHSELF, GO GET A MOP, WILL YA”

Bloaty: “Bloaty’s photobomb powers, ACTIVATE”

Later:

Bloaty: “Hey, I heard squealing coming up in here so I came up to see if you got me a new penmate, but I guess not…”

While Pat and Bella were traumatizing the pig, Ronda was out at the park, watching her elderly mother… proposition Red Rider, I guess.

“It’s nawt fair.  All these people, like mah brother ‘n sister findin’ love.  ‘N I haven’t even gotten to talk to a new person since Thornton died befur I could even git close to his life insurance policy…”

“Dammit!  I want love too!  I wanna man, ‘n a weddin’!  ‘N dammit, I want those things right now!”

“Marry me, Fat Mortimer!”

In the middle of the street, Ronda.  How classy.

“What?!  This is sudden, why would you bring this up now, of all times, Ronda?!”

“It’s either me or Forever Alone, Mort.”

“Oh yes, then, YES!”

“I am THIIIIIIS much happy!”

“…Good fur yew dear.”

Across town, the proud father of the bride was busy putting out a garden fire, in which he still had to go through all the rooms of the house and find two morons, that don’t even live there.

“Dude, GTFO of their kitchen, the fire’s in the gard’n fur fuck’s sake!  Big fuckin’ baby!”

That’s one way to save someone’s life.

After putting out the front fire, I send Dale to the other fire in the corner of the lot only to realize, it’s the damn house on the cliff.  And the fire is on the part of the lot that’s unaccessable.

And to make it better, somehow Deborah came over from a house she was working on, and trapt herself.  Oh joy.

“DALE!  Come down heer quick!  I can’t stop starin’ at the fire lika’ bystandur, ‘n I keep cancellin’ to put it out like an id’jit!  I can’t even walk off the lot!  Yew gotta save me, Dale!”

“Bitch, yew trippin!  I ain’t jumpin’ off this cliff fur that fire, yew stupid! *runs off*”

(Note one of the Dammy girls in the background.  WTF WHY)

“Where tha’ fuck he think he goin?!  Did he really jus’ LEAVE ME down heer?!”

Actually, Dale ran around the WHOLE block, just to get around the cliff to get to the fire and save his woman.

CUE THE HERO MUSIC

“Bout time ur ass gawt down heer to put this thing out.  In about ten hours, that fire coulda’ reached me!”

“SHUT UP, I jus’ ran ’round an ENTIRE block to put his fire out ‘n save ur ass, so I’m too tired to hear ur shit!”

“My gawd, this fire could be art.”

“Dammit, Deb’ruh!  Get outta mah way!  Yew wanna git burned now ‘r somethin’?!”

“Naw, I changed mah mind at the last second, I think I’m gonna help yew put out the fire aftur all!”

“…Yew dumb ho…”

“So baby… I’mma firefighter, ya know…”

NO WAY DALE

“OH MAH HERO *slobber*”

“Mmm, gonna git me some tonight…”

The next morning was Mortimer’s and Ronda’s wedding, which would have been really nice

IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE DAY HAUNTING GHOSTS

AND THEIR BITCHING ABOUT HOW TIRED THEY ARE

AND RONDA’S DAMN BUTT PHONE

AND BELLA PISSING ON SKEHRER’S SHOES

“You mean this isn’t the little girl’s room?  Oopsie!”

Dammit, Bella.

“Oh Dale, what did I ever do to you to deserve this T_T”

“I really had to go, so shaddup!”

Also note that it’s soon going to be the bride’s turn to pee herself since no one wants to listen to my commands of going to the fucking bathroom.

AND OH JOY, Dale got the pissing problem that Jared had at Dodge’s wedding now…

“Damn I knew I had way too many 40s this mawnin…”

“Dad scoot ovur, it’s mah turn to use the bathroom.”

SKEHRER’S NOT THE BATHROOM, GUYS

Father/daughter pee pee bonding time at it’s best I guess.

“DAMMIT, DO I LOOK LIKE A BATHROOM?!”

“YES, YES YEW DO, LADY”

“So glad I’m still wearing these ugly brown rainboots, la de da”

I blame YOU for this, Bella!

“Yo Deb baby!  Did yew see how many times I pissed on that lady’s shoes!  It had to be ’bout 8 ‘r 9 times!  I’m so OG right now!”

“Sob, I gift him his cool little bandana and this is how he thanks me D;”

See what I mean when I said something always happens at wedding parties?  Well, Ronda and Mortimer moved out as quick as they could and joined Bun and DD and ANWAAAAAAR in story progression bliss.

And this is my only picture of Bella’s first pregnancy, what the hell was I doing those three days?!

“OMG A BABY! QUICK BLOATY, FETCH ME MY HUSBAND”

“Do I look like your damn watchdog to you?!  No wait, don’t answer that…”