Worse Than A Pyromaniac

Upon returning to a “fixed” sims game (and I mean that in the lightest way possible) I got bored and created new sims.

It’s the Left 4 Dead gang 😀 (without CC so YES I’m aware of my terrible sim making skills)

“THERE ARE NO PILLS HERE!!”

And there are no infected either, Louis.  Gotta learn to compromise, man.

“Lalala, I’m heer’ta start makin’ nother simbot my gud man, and I’m kinna’ lookin’ fur a new pink diamond ‘cuz I only got so many days left to live, so I’m kinna’ on the clock.”

“Well, we don’t have any today, but if ya’ come again tomorrow we might have one in stock.”

“Heeey!  Ur that boy that set fire to all those heads of cattle years ago!  Hah!  Ur workin’ at a dollur store now, yew deadbeat!”

“Ugh, can anyone in this town ovur look my deliqent past and move on?!  I’m tryina’ forget that and move on with my life now!”

“And ur also the lil’ prick I cawght in bed wid’ my dawghtur!  Yew knocked her up yew sum’ bitch!  I have a mind to break ur head ovur this counter right now!”

“Wut?!  Ur threatenin’ me ’cause I slept with ur daughtur?!  Vurginyuh’ was EASY, anyone could’a knocked that broad up!  Why don’t yew go back home and go back to pretendin’ that that dundurhead Darr’ll’s the father and leave me out of this!”

“Like the hell I will yew lil’ punk!  Yew think I don’t know that Darr’ll’s nawt the fathur?!  I wus hopin’ and prayin’ that aftur I was told ’bout Darr’ll that he was the fathur!  I never wanted a lil’ pervert fire startur like yew to EVER be ’round my dawghtur aftur I caught yew in bed with her!  But when that lil’ gurl came out lookin’ like YEW, oh let’s just say ur lucky I don’t have my chainsaw heer with me!”

“So wut, I’m the daddy, nawt like I’m gonna pay up fur child support fur a kid I don’t want!”

“Like HELL yew are!  My dawghtur bettur get support frum ur deadbeat ass, or I’m gonna kick it!”

“THEN BRING IT YEW OLD GOAT”

“OK OK, I’ve learned my lesson!  This hurts, please let my head go!”

“TO HELL WITH UR HEAD, I’LL BREAK IT OFF!”

“Aaaaow, that hurt…”

“Deadbeats like yew make me sick.  I’m comin’ back tomarrow to see if yall stocked up on any pink diamonds, n’ I’m ALSO gonna check on if ur startin’ to help my dawghtur with ur baby.  But don’t yew EVER step foot on my property again.”

Then Dodge went home and took a shower with his clothes on.

“Well wut?  How else yew expect me to wash Sheldon’s blood off befur my wife sees it and starts askin’ questions?!”

I don’t know, why don’t you just do a load of laundry for once?!

“Hmm, the park’s pretty empty today, I wonder where all the people ran to after they saw me coming?”

Tamara and David Tennet need to do something about their glitch baby floating through town.

“Ick Vurginyuh, these waffles taste like charcoal!  How the hell’d yew cook them, a furnace?!”

“Daddy, tell Darr’ll to like my waffles or yew’ll zap him with ur mood changur fur me.”

“V-Vurginyuh!  Yew can’t jus’ use ur daddy on me wen’ yew think I’m bein’ mean to yew!  It’s just not fair!”

“But yew love me, right Darr’ll?  Daddy said that if yew were ever mean to me, that he’d make it right!  So eat my fud’ ‘n like it!”

“That’s still nawt fair Vurginyuh!  I can hardly git these down, and yew can’t keep runnin’ to Dodge fur every lil’ thing I do-”

“Shut up and eat my dawgthur’s fud’, boy.”

“Y-yes sir *chokes*”

“Hey, where’s that robot that supposed to be takin’ care of yew?!”

Don’t start depending on Nascar to start raising your children for you, Virginia, pull your own weight around!

But speaking of him, where is Nascar anyway?

“He was playin’ in the sprinklur’s wid me befur he started actin’ up and broke!  He wasn’t much fun to play wid’ in the watur anyway.”

Oh NO!  NASCAR!  Don’t worry, Dodge is on his way to save you!

“NASCAR!  Don’t worry buddy!  Daddy’s heer to fix ya!”

“He was like that wen I found him Dodge!”

“Leave my robot alone!  Ur gonna kill him woman, with ur sprinklers!”

After getting his repairs, Nascar got revenge on Amber by slamming his body through hers while wielding a shield made of flaming cake.

“Ah!  I’m back!  Have any cut pink diamonds come in today fur me?”

“Oh great.  He’s back.”

“Humph.  Of course nawt, at least not fur yew, Dodge.”

“Well then.  Have yew at least gotten on the right path to helpin’ my dawghtur with ur child?”

“Do yew think I have?!  I’ve already told yew Dodge, I don’t want anything to do with that kid!”

“Peh.  Old asshole.”

“Well then.  I guess an ass whoppin’ didn’t convince yew last time, this might!”

“What the… HOLY SHI-”

“Gud riddance, I say.”

DODGE!  Just because he wasn’t going to pay child support to Virginia, doesn’t give you the reason to murder him with explosives!

“Wut’re yew talkin’ bout, murder?  I ain’t killed him, he’s just fine!”

“M-my counter!  My store!  Why would yew do this, this is my li’vlyhood!”

“Daaaang, blowin’ up public propur’ty wus fun.  More fun than I thought it would be… HMMM….”

Jesus Dodge, go easy on the store, it’s not it’s fault!

“Yay!  Fire!  FIRE!  Rubbul’ everywhere!  My adrenaline has never run like this befur!  Burn!  Burn store burn!”

“Yew know wut, I’m just gonna go on home now…”

“Hello, yew must be Vurginyuh’s Aunt Harley.  Nice to meet yew ma’am!”

“Ah, hello Darr’ll, Dodge has told me all kinda stuff ovur the phone ’bout yew!”

“Eh, I kinda need to talk to someone ’bout him.  Dodge is, well, I don’t know why he’s so hateful to me.  He doesn’t like me, and while I do love Vurginyuh’ I feel that my forced marriage to her didn’t have to happen!  I mean, I found out I’m not even the fathur of Dixie, so why does Dodge refuse to listen to me when I try tuh bring it up?”

“Darr’ll, listen to me.  Dodge has, well, a hard time expressin’ his emotions wen it comes to his kids, yew know?  He’s had a hard’ nuff time with the town kinda lookin’ down on them because their imbred, n’ then wen the whole baby thing comes along, he just wanted wut’s best fur his dawghtur.

I guess wen he found out bout ur whole Twistur game, he’d just figgur’d ur Dixie’s papa n’ wanted Dixie’s fathur in her life.  Dodge’s intentshun’s r’ really gud, he just has a hard time expressin’ them.”

“Ah!  This is just too fun!  I feel like a kid again!”

“But still, I’m nawt Dixie’s burth daddy!  Yes, I do love that lil’ gurl like she was my own, but I really need Dodge to hear me out wen I try to tell him that I’m not the one that slept with Vurginyuh!”

“It might just be the fact that he doesn’t want to believe yew aren’t the daddy.  That would put Dodge in the wrong, and yew know how much pride that arrogant old man has!”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just wish I could get anything across to him that doesn’t involve him tryina’ kill me!”

“I hear people talkin’ bout me over heer! Wut’s goin’ on? :D”

“Hey Darr’ll!  Did yew know my favorite color is Grey?!”

“Um… really?  M-my favorite color is grey too!”

“Neat!”

“…”

“…”

“Well, I’m gonna go back to the house and check on Dixie and Vurginyuh…”

“DODGE SECKSIE.  HOW can yew keep treatin’ that gud boy like shit?!  What the HELL’S THE MATTUR WID YA?!”

“W-why the hell’r yew yellin’ at me lady?!  I don’t even know yew!”

Alzheimers is horrible, Dodge.

“Dodge don’t GIVE me that shit!  I’m ur sistur and we were talkin’ on the phone just last night!  Yew ARE gonna give that boy more respect than yew are now, whethur yew like it or nawt!  He loves that gurl of urs and Dixie couldn’t have a bettur fathur!  Wut more do yew want from him?!”

“Ok, ok, I see wut ur tryina’ say!  I’ll try to be nicer from now on!”

“Don’t GIVE me that and then nawt do it at all!  Papa gave yew the mood changur in his will to use wen yew need it, NAWT as a weapon to git wat yew want!  Yew keep treatin’ that boy like shit n’ I’ll come to the hawse and shove it up ur ass!”

“Ok!  Please, no more Harley!  I get it, I won’t threatin’ him no more with it.”

“Vurginyuh, ur goin’ too slow wid this toilet trainin’ thing!  Her birthday’s tomarrow, why are yew takin’ so long with teachin’ her skills!”

“I’m tryin’, Darr’ll!  The robot wus supposta’ do it fur us!”

“I already told that robot that it ain’t allowed near my dawghtur’, yew know this!  Gah, get outta my way, I’ll do it!”

“Darr’ll go away, I got this.  I’m gonna teach Dixie geography now, so if yew don’t mind-”

“HOLY SHIT I NEED TICKETS FUR THE WILLIE NELSON CONCERT FUR TONIGHT”

“Sigh, I’m so sorry Dixie that ur papa’s such a fuckin’ moron.”

“Mowon!  Daddy’s a mowon!”

Dixie had her a little birthday the next morning, and I tried to invite guests.

“Y-yall didn’t invite that ole’ refrigaratur’, right?”

“Lawnie, the fridge lives heer, remembur?”

“Oh… hell…”

“Is it all right if I smoke in the bathroom?”

Oh jeez Poi Boi, are you the offical party crasher or something?!

“Ok, here yew go lil Dixie, I gotta go yell at ur aunt Jurry for bein’ inappropriate dispite the fact that she ain’t even heer.”

“But mama, if I stay a child any longur, I’ll just derp!”

“Nawt my problem, baby!”

Next time, we’ll see Dixie all grown up and her vision will be fixed.  Til then, I leave you with this.

Well, I guess that’s what you get for drowning your twin toddlers in the reservoir all those years ago, Tate.