The Three Hookers of Twinbrook

At first I thought the gay couples would be ok.  I thought, hey, they could adopt, right?

Then I realized that no one in the history of Twinbrook has EVER adopted in this game and I’m depending on EA’S STORY PROGRESSION, so I’m kinda stuck depending heavily on people breeding their genetics.

So I went to a couple houses, and uh, played God a little.

“Look, Moonbeam, the ride was fun, and trust me, the lovin’ was AWESOME, but… I’m breaking up with you.”

“What?!  WHY?!”

“I don’t know, I just have this feeling all of a sudden… that I kinda want to have children one day, so I’m abandoning all of our love to go live with a really flirty man in another house just because he has a baby crib in it.”

“PLEASE!!  DON’T HIT ME, I’M SORRY ABOUT THIS!!”

“…uh, I wasn’t going to hit you D:”

“YOU!  I HEARD about my mama moving that Doctor Who fellow in your house with you, DON’T TRY TO HIDE HIM FROM ME SKEHRER!  He’s in the bathroom right now, isn’t he?!”

“Marissa, I d-don’t know what you are talking about, I d-didn’t even know we were toge-”

“ISN’T HE?!  UGH!  That’s IT!  I’m breaking up with you!  Yeah….”

“Uh… Marissa… ”

“WHAT.”

“…You are still staring at my breasts.”

“And uh, who are you again?”

“I’m your lover and soulmate for the past three years now!”

“Um… yeah… get out.”

Sigh, listening to the sad break up music is too depressing for me ._.  After destroying the lives of a few more sims and shuffling them around town into new houses, I returned to the Secksies, hoping nothing drastic has changed since I left.

I just come back to find Dodge pooping hard in the yard.

“I’m nawt poopin’, since yew left, I’ve been tryina’ remembur who the hell I am ‘gain!”

I don’t think he’s losing his mind from old age.  Dodge never had it in the first place anyway.

“Father!  I have completed cleaning this repulsive house of yours!  Did you know that you let your trash settle for so long that it has grown it’s own poltergeist and has haunted your kitchen?”

“Would ‘splain the brokun’ ‘pliances and that damn Shark guy.”

Actually I’m used to the house haunted at all hours of the night.  Their favorite place seems to be the garage, which I’m not surprised hasn’t caused Lonnie to lose his sanity.

Oh wait.

“Dude, wus’ dat cu’lone ur wearin’?  Damn, that’s awesome, bet’cha ur a stud with the ladehs’ wid that shit, ain’t cha?!”

I’d like to bet that’s from digging in the trash can a zillion weeks ago when they first moved in.  I still don’t know how Pilot’s dating Jamie or why she even moved in with him.

“Sceeeeeeeent…”

“WHAT?!  Stop touching me!”

“I’m nawt tuchin’ yew!”

“You are touching me!  Stop touching me!”

“I’m nawt TUCHIN’ yew!”

“Audio!  Get in here and tell him to stop stealing my scent!  He won’t stop touching me!”

“Humph.  Wierdo.”

“Hey, ur insane like me!”

“Person person plus plus!”

You are both morons is what you two are.

“So guess wat, grammpaw!  I rolled a want to go fishin’ so guess wat?!  I’m gonna be a fishurman, jus’ like yew are!  This is gonna be great!  Yew teachin’ me to fish, we catch dat Ovurly Happy Lake Monstur, make a lota’ money and retire quickly!”

“Oh… yeah, that’s great Vurginyuh’…  but yew know the first lesson of fishin’ is to shut up and nawt scare the fish off, right?”

“But grammpaw, I brough’ mah cell fone!  Wut if I get a facebuk’ update?  Er’ wut if one of dem boys get outta school and wanna come over and hang out?!  I kinda havta’ have it on really loud ‘cuz I can’t hear it on vibrate and come on, yew know my Lady Anna’bellum ringtone isn’t really quiet, an-”

“Hey Vurginyuh, shut the hell up” *smacks with fishing pole*

“OW grammpaw!  Wut the hell wus THAT ’bout?!  I think you got the hook in my eye!”

“HAH, sudden light change wus sudden.”

“Don’t worry bout blindin’ me in my eye grammpaw, I’m ok now.”

“Dammit.”

“I just like fishin’ out heer wit’ yew!  Dispite yew bein’ really mean and abusin’ me wit’ the futball my entire life, I’m really happy yew got to play with me grammpaw!  It ment a lot that yew even stopped to spend time with me as often as yew did!”

“… wow, that, thanks Vurginyuh.  I…that means a lot to me.  Besides, yew were my favorite outta all of Dodge’s kids.  Lawnie’s just dumb as a sack’a hammurs and didn’t Jurry Lee kill herself aftur the Steelur’s lost the supurbowl?”

“No grammpaw, she’s actually still in the house!”

“Still, I like yew kid.  I hope yew make a great fishurwoman one day.”

“Sigh… ughn, don’t know why I’m all out of it all of a sudden…”

“Grammpaw, yew don’t luk so gud, how ’bout yew go home and go to bed.  Stop fishin’ fur a day or two.  Yew are a hundred n’ four years old.”

“Naw, I justa’… gotta go sit ‘r somethin’.”

Meanwhile across town, Lonnie was in trouble with the cops again.

“I’m makin’ a break fur it!  Tell me if he sees me or starts shootin’!”

Does it matter?  You just drive yourself to the jailhouse and turn yourself in anyway.

“Ur right, I would.”

“Who’s this broad?  And why is she standing in my spot in front of the school where I stand every afturnoon wen’ the kids get outta school?!”

The question is Virginia, why the crap are you still standing outside of the school?  There are no kids in town anymore to go see go to school anyway, they all grew up!

“I dunno’ Vurginyuh, but she’s mighty fine, ain’t cha lil’ lady?”

“Ew no, please, leave me alone, creep!”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna ignore the fact that yew came outta nowhere Lawnie, and go somewhere else now…”

Didn’t matter, afterwards, all three of them started a game of tag until about 11 that night.

Then right after, almost as if something clicked…

People started breeding.

Cycl0n3!  You and Tamara worked things out!  Congrats!  So, you going to let your little baby cry like that?

“What the hell are you talking about?!  That isn’t even my kid!  Tamara ran off and made a baby with that David Tennet Doctor Who fellow!”

Damn, really?  The Doctor moves fast, doesn’t he?

I feel sorry for you, Cycl0n3.

“Haven’t seen yew at work lately!  And I see why now, yew and that boyfrien’ of urs got busy I see!”

“Yep!  We’re having a little girl!  I’m so excited to be a mother now.”

“I’m gonna warn yew right now, keep ur baby away from my sistur!  She’s really, uh, friendly, with kids these days.”

“Oh trust me, she comes near my baby, I’ll fuckin’ knock her lights out.”

._. I bet she would too.

“That goes for you too, Sabrina!”

Oh come on, I’ll take care of your kids if I was watching them… maybe…

“Wut da hell is dat?”

Oh yeah, recently I’ve created a few flirty hookers to add around town, because it seems a bit quiet without a few local prostitutes running around Twinbrook.  Maybe they’ll shock a few elders into having heart attacks and killing them off and get them out of my way >:\

This one is Candy Stripper, the naive hooker and probably the cheapest.

“Psst, hey gramps.  My going rate is $50 an hour, teehee!”

“Yeah… I’m gonna call the cops now.”

This is Red Rider, the solemn angry looking hooker.

“Hey kid!  Can’t cha’ see I’m widda client right now!  Beat it halfpint!”

“UH…”

And finally, the last hooker is Golden Girl, the only hooker I actually based off an actual hooker that runs around town here.  I like to think she’s the head of the hooker trio.

Here she is, uh… flirting with Lonnie?

“So hot stuff, lookin’ fuh sum company tonight?”

“Oh gaaawd, I’m fin’lly gonna git laid, ain’t I?!  Oh man oh maaan…”

“I just gotta say furst, ur gonna have’ta pay upfront wid’ me, and in cash, mmk?”

“DAMMIT, I’m broke, why can’tcha just take my dad’s credit card, huh?!”

Immediately afterwards, Lonnie wished to flirt with Red Rider?  Really Lonnie?  What was wrong with Golden Girl?!  I spent a lot of damn time making Golden Girl the nicest hooker out of the three!

“Wut can I say, I prefer vanilla.”

And prejudice, aren’t you, Lonnie.  Ugh, you are so shallow.

“So baby, let’s go finda big ole’ bush ‘er alleyway n’ do things, horrible things, to each other that I’ll regret in the mawnin’.”

“Um, ok.”

“Awesu-oh wait, OH WAIT, nawt YET Mr. Peepee, I haven’t even gotten down hur’ bra yet!  Why does this happen to me?!”

“Uh, sigh, why do I always get the impotent ones?!”

“Ok!  Now that I’ve finished my bis’ness wid ya, we’re soulmates now!”

“Um, what?”

“Yeah, my business is all ovur ur shoes!  That means I’m gonna be a papa soon, right!  I’m so excited to be a papa!  Let’s name our child aftur Bono from U-2, ok?!”

“WHAT?!  Did you escape from’a nuthouse ‘r something?!”

“Aw come on!  I wanna be a daddy!  Why won’t yew accept my sperm and make me a baby?!  This isn’t fair!  WAAAAH!!”

“P-please, you’re embarrassing me, and I’m a hooker!  D-do you need me to drive you home or call your parents to pick you up or something?  Huh?”

“Daaang, that old maestro guy really knew how’ta use that ‘conductor wand’!”

And from the mess you left in the bathroom floor I’m guessing it was, uh

You know what, I’m just going to walk away now.

“Aw come on babycakes!  You, me, behind the wall over there, it’ll be great!  If you name it, I bet I know how to do it!”

“Oh my wurd’, is that girl still here?!  I can’t figgur her out at all!”

“Oh gawd, this is too entertaining!”

Back at the house, the ghosts are doing their usual thing, yelling and booing at each other, breaking stuff, getting in everyone’s way…

Little do they know, a new addition is about to join them.

“I know Vurginyuh told me nawt to fish n’ rest, but I couldn’t help it… I *breathe* wanted tuh fish a lil’ bit… Aw man, I feel a lil day’juh vu comin’ on, like *breathe* I’ve done this befur…”

“Welp, I jus’ hadda’ heart attack.  Should’a seen this comin’.”

“HAH!  FINALLY!  Jedidiah Secksie, I finally have your soul!  THIS is for those times you publicly humiliated me with that mood changer!  I’m finally having my sweet, sweet revenge!”

“Naw, don’t worry bout that Death ole’ boy.  I knew it was my time for a while now.”

“You sure about that?  No begging me to give you a little more time, no crying or pleading?!”

“Nope, I’m ready to see my sweet Melissa.  Bet she don’t even remembur me, it’s jus’ been too long.”

“Whatever!  I’ve finally taken your soul you old asshole!  Revenge is mine!  Sweet, wonderful reven-oh.”

DAYUM Jed, I didn’t even know you got that many lifetime points!  Thanks for the sweet tombstone!  First for me!

“N-no paw!  Don’t die on me!  I’m too old fur yew to die on me and leave me without someone to take care of me!”

Dodge, you are 64 years old, you can take care of yourself now.

“Oh Dodge!  I don’t know how to feel right now!  I’ve been wanting to take his soul for the longest time now, and now that I have, he’s gone and left a sweetass tombstone!  It’s like a slap in my face!  Sniff, I feel like my revenge is bittersweet at best!  No… my revenge has FAILED!”

“Um… should-should I just uh, push him offa’ me ‘r wut?”

“Oh gurl I met at school the other day!  I just gotta text frum Vurginyuh that my grammpaw died!”

“There there, it’s ok, uh, I think.”

Really Lonnie?  You’re in a wall?

“Hey, you know what’ll make you feel better?”

“Gettin’ me outta this wall?”

“No, something better!  Well, not really since this kinda sucks for you, but still…”

If you can’t tell, they are kissing.

So to make light of tragedy, at least Lonnie finally got himself a girlfriend, that isn’t a hooker (which is great because Red Rider probably filed a restraining order on him).

“Oh and I’m gettin’ along with the death of grammpaw by becomin’ pregnant!”

Come again?