The Valentine’s Day Heir Search

Hello fellow sim legacy players/readers/stalkers/people who looked me up via google/my mom/your mom/etc.  Time for another chapter!

First, I would like to clarify any confusion I may or may not have caused in my Superbowl “special”.

First off, after I posted the previous chapter, I noticed the Steelers’ logo on one of the screenshots in the background.  After looking up the Steelers once more in google, I slowly realized that, correct me if I’m wrong, but the football players in the black jersey’s were in fact, the actual Steelers.

And I made out like they were the Packers during the special.  I do not apologize for that.  Just wanted you all to know how hard I just failed.

CAN YOU TELL THAT I EVEN WATCHED THE SUPERBOWL LOLOLOL

“I see, this certainly changes a lot…”

“So this means that the STEELURS really did WIN the Supurbowl!”

“No it doesn’t, Jurry.  I’m the winnur, and nothin the player says changes wut happened IRL.”

“LOLFRIDGE.”

After the Superbowl party, the pizza girl returned.  With nothing.  I had them order a second pizza when Warren failed as hard as he did with the first one, and coming back to my game caused both the pizza on the porch and the pizza she brought to dissappear.

“Yeah, someone at the end of your driveway picked up the pizza and signed for yall guys, then drove off downtown.  Yall still have to pay me $30 for that btw”

Screw you bitch.

After Virginia was declared heir, I thought that it would be a good idea to go around and look at potential spouses.  Like I normally do.

Sadly, no one exists in this town I think that would be pretty enough.  I literally went from a town full of pretty sims, to a town full of ugly sims, to a town full of boring old people and average sims with faces 1-5 in four generations.

“I came to Twinbrook after retiring from the first sims game!”

GTFO and stop lagging my game.

Hey Nicolas, haven’t seen you since you were five!

“What the hell do you want?”

I just wanted to say hi, damn…

I think he’s just mad because he’s the only black guy in a town of white people.

Hm, he looks promisi-

Oh, nevermind.

“What?”

Nothing Trenton, just didn’t think you were even still around anymore *sobs*

“Hello?”

….

“I’m naturally this blonde.”

I’m tired of blondes and black haired sims, why aren’t there any redheads anymore?!

“HOLY SHIT I’M NAWT A HUNDRED PURCENT RENDURD”

._.

Hmmmm….

“Hell no.  I’m five, I’mma gurl, AND I’m a Secksie.  Back the fuck off.”

The only people breeding in this town are the Secksies.  I’m never going to get the diversity I need after imbreeding this generation, am I?!

Oh hi there cutie!

*slight eye twitch*

This is the only guy I can find that’s slightly cute.  However, his face looks too similar to sims I’ve seen before.  I don’t know.

*leaves quickly and quietly before I can get his name*

…FUCK.

“Hello thur, new nayburs!  My name’s Jed!  May, wut a luvley place yall got heer!”

“Thank you mister Jed!  Glad to meet you!”

“Say, do yall have a handsome yung’ son, er, somethin’ runnin’ round who would like to meet my purdy lil’ grandawdur?”

“Hee hee, no sir, me and my husband came to retire here in Twinbrook to get away from the hustle and bustle of the big city.  We have no kids at all!”

“Well then, I’m just gonna have my way with ur garden.  That’ll teach yall to come die in OUR town!”

Way to show southern hospitality, Jed.

“Suthurn’ hospa’tailitee?!  They should have shown it to ME by bringin’ a son with ’em!  Damn!”

“Oh Ambur.  I was thinkin’ it bein’ Valentines and all, yew wanna go on a date with me while I got the day off?  I’ll take yew to that fancy ass rest’rant in town this afternoon if yew wanna!”

“Oh wow!  Really Dodge?  I would like that vury much!”

“K, meet me there at 11!”

“Wut ’bout Shark?  Can Shark come on a date too?  Shark is bored and wants romance too!”

“Oh, uh… awkward…”

“Damn Warr’n.  I had gas like that too once, but nawt that bad!”

“It wasn’t me!  I learned how to not fart while on Saturn!  UGH!  Wut is this stuff?!  I can’t see!  Now I can’t move!  Help me someone!  I’m stuck!  I can’t move again!”

“Well that’s strange.  Dodge told me to meet ’em heer at 11, and he’s nawt heer!  Wut’s holdin’em up?”

How did you even get back here?

“I don’t know!  I’m just as confused as yall are!”

“And thur’s a ded gurl back heer!  WAAAH!  I’m scured!”

Man up, jeez.

“It’s so nice that we finally get time like this away frum the hawse!  I just hope the kids and ur fathur can take care of themselves while we are gone.  Speakin’ of the kids, you really think we’re ever gonna find a boyfriend fur Virginia?  All these hicks in this town just aren’t gud ‘nough fur her!”

“Don’t worry bout that dear.  I gotta very special lil’ agent on that!  I let Warren outta the hawse to go find a man fur our dawghter!”

“Mmm, pie…”

“WUT?!  You let Warren OUT OF THE HAWSE!  DODGE!  Why would you do that?!”

“Luk babe, I know ur just as worried as I am, but I trust our “son” to find a man fur our dawghtur fur us!”

“Well hello there sweetcakes!  I’m Warren, your new sugurdaddy!”

Men Warren.  We are looking for men.

“Back off you old pervert!  I’m already married!  Get away from me!”

“But, but, I don’t think he’ll find!  I don’t think he cares if we flirt!”

“I GOT MACE”

“Harblegarbllfdkjadpie”

“But Dodge!  Wut ’bout that problem of his that we left him in space fur?  You know.  THAT problem.”

“Gurvlargaaharb *swallows* that’s nawt really that big of a problem dear, I still don’t know wut ur goin’ on about that fur.  Hell, we’re married and we’re cousins!”

“But Dodge!  People heer in this hick town have… opinions.”

“HALRJKEWLGADASN.”

“Halrjewlgadasn?”

“harblakewvarewnagfn.”

“Vvvrgurbrnskghmmm.”

“Hey purdy lil’ thing!  My name is Warren!”

“And I really don’t care.”

“But baby, I’m worth seven trillion dollars in assets and have a four billion dollar life insurance policy!”

“Ooooh!  Really now!  Tell me more!”

“Well, uh, yeah, none of that goes into effect until 850 years from now, and I kinda have to be on Saturn for that…”

He soon after confessed his attraction for her and she turned him down hard and ran home.  Pfft, he doesn’t need her anyway.

“Ugh.  But why does he still have to live with us in our hawse!  He’s a grown man!  Hell, he’s older than us now by fiddy years! The least he can do is get his own place and stop livin’ off us!”

“Ambur!  I’m nawt ’bout to kick our 105 year old son out of the hawse!  I can’t even believe ur talkin’ bout this!  He’s ur son dammit!  Yew would think yew’d be able to accept him anyway, his lil’ problem and all!”

“But!  But Dodge!”

“Don’t yew remembur… this is the south we’re livin’ in.  We’re still a lil’ butthurt bout the civil war, so yew know how a lot of people still feel ’bout… that.  And don’t get me wrong!  I love Warr’n.  But… his problem!”

“Dear, do yew remembur wut I said earliur’?  We are married!  We. Yew’d think aftur this, that Warr’n’s lil’ problem wouldn’t be that big of a deal!”

“That’s true I guess.”

“Now, that ur done worryin’ bout wut the town will probably nawt even notice, help me watch this candle… I uh, uuuuuuugh, I don’t think, the flame has moved in ten minutes *drools on plate*”

“I hope ur right.  There just are sum picky people in this town, yew know…”

“Don’t worry about that.  Someone out there will accept Warr’n fur his condition one day.”

“Oh gawd, he’s heer and he’s flirtin’ with that woman ovur there…”

“Just keep lookin’ at me and pretend we’re in deep convursatshun and maybe he won’t see us…”

“Thanks fur the dinnur, Dodge!  It was really nice.  Ur such a great husband.”

“I know baby.  And yew know wut it’s time fur, don’t cha dear?!”

It’s not a Valentine’s chapter until someone starts bumping uglies.

“TELL ME I’M THE BIGGEST YOU’VE EVER SEEN”

“Yew guys know I can hear you through the wall, right mom and dad?!”

“DAMMIT DODGE THIS IS WHY OUR CHILDREN ARE SO MESSED UP IN THE HEAD”

“Well hello tall, dark, and pixilated!”

“You musta’ just moved into town!  So wut do you think miss?!  Me, you, a couple?”

“Wow, straight furwurd, ain’t cha?  Um… how bout dis?  Yew wait heer right quick, I gotta do somethin… ovur thur, right quick.  BRB.”

“Heh, sure I’ll wait!  I’ll wait forever for you my balding lil’ flower!”

….

*four hours later, literally*

“Dammit, I think I’ve been duped!  She actually left me waiting, and she’s not even on the lot anymore!  Why do I have such a hard time picking up chicks?!  I’m going to be alone on Valentine’s day tomarrow, aren’t I?!”

“Grammpaw!  Didn’t cha heer?!  I’m the winnur of the heirship!  I’m gonna git a hot boyfrien’ and everythang!  Daddy told me so!  Warr’n gonna pick me up a man, and do yew think he’ll play futball as well as me too?!”

“NAWT IF HE CAN’T HANDLE THE SPLEEN DESTROYER LIKE YEW”

“DAMMIT GRAMMPAW STOP PELTIN ME WITH THE BALL”

The next day, I sent Warren across the river going door to door looking for boys.  That doesn’t sound creepy at all.

“Hello there, I’m Warren!”

“Hi there, I’m a father!  Well, that’s what I was just told, I think my ex girlfriend just had my baby, right now, this very second.  Lol, I don’t even love her anymore.”

“You have such a nice house sir!”

“Well thank you!  I’ve had everything imported from Italy and France to match the rest of the interior decoration when I moved in!  Thanks for noticing!”

“Hey!  Wut’s that smell you’re wearing too?  It’s really nice!”

“Oh thanks!  I mixed it myself!  It’s mostly Calvin Klein, with a hit of sandalwood, and I added a spritz of Bath and Body works’ Butterfly Flower over that!  I think that it’s just fabulous, don’t you?”

“It… it really is.  I think a pretty smell like that goes great for a guy that looks as great as you do!”

*lol quick room change*

“Wow thanks…. that sounds so nice coming from someone like you… my girlfriend didn’t understand, but I’m glad you do…”

“Heh… yeah…”

“Yeah…”

*quick friends and romantic interests*

“Oh… oh my god… I… I just realized something…”

“Hm?  What is that?”

“I… I can’t believe it… I’m…”

Go ahead and say it!

“I’m gay!”

That explains that one weird time you tried telling Leroy a flirty joke before he poofed away.

“Wow really?  I’m one of the sparkly gays too!”

“No, just realizing that you were gay just gave you a heart attack, babe.  That’s all!”

Wow, really?!  Of all times to die, Warren.

“Ah that’s ok, I’ve been gay for years!  The only reason I even dating Spring was to try to cover it up you know, because you know what this town thinks.  But I think being gay is ok!  And we should really go see a movie sometim-”

“Oh wait, your dead now.  This fucking sucks.”

“Tell me about it.”

“WARREN SECKSIE!!  Come out of the closet.”

Actually it’s a bathroom, Grim.

“Wasn’t referring to that.”

And so that’s how Warren died.  Nice way to spend your Valentine’s day isn’t it?

“Oh Guin!  I just heard my oldest son is ded!  I’m… so… sad!  He wus the best friend I had!”

“I’m sorry Uncle Dodge!  I… I didn’t even know he was your son!  I thought he was ur grandfathur ‘r something!”

“Nope!  That would be Shark!  Yay for Shark!”

I really am a little sad that Warren is now dead.  He was a great baby raiser and managed to get all three toddlers to learn all three skills before growing up, making him the most successful child raiser I have had yet.

RIP you crazy Saturn bastard.