Childhood Antics

Ahh, 2011.  Nothing like spending new years at your house alone.  What a great way to start the year!

Anyway, last time Dodge was growing up and I didn’t care because every time a birthday happens, God kills a kitten.

Well, hello cutie pie!  Melissa’s genes really did the trick, didn’t it?!

I think he’s got the Flirty trait.  I don’t really know, I have such a hard time keeping up with traits anymore.

I DON’T CARE *curls up in a corner*

But at least he grew up without problems and promising.  Unlike some other sims I know…

JERAMY KELLY.  You are TOO whiteboy for those cornrows.  Take them out, I’m not raising a little deliquent wannabe!

“You ain’t really raising me at all!”

And stop being mean to Daniel’s sister.  You are making the Secksies angry because for some reason they care.

“You know, I’m supposed to be ur grandmother.”

“I have a hard time trying to care, ghost lady.”

Stop harassing the guests, Lucy.  Everything you have to say doesn’t matter.

“Look at wut I found on the ground!  It’s my lil’ sis’s thought bubble!”

“Wut are you gonna do with that… you aren’t gonna…”

“Oh god, he put that thing in his mouth!  That’s so gross!”

“Hmmm, thoughts of my sister taste like dirt.”

Speaking of little sister:

“Wut the hell gramma, yew in my way old lady!  Back off!”

._.

It was a double birthday.  And she didn’t get any un-scarier, did she?

New trait is kleptomaniac.  Really?  That is not going to help D8

“…WUT.”

…nothing, just passing through…

“I’m NOT steelin’ my own stuff if that’s wut ur lookin’ fur!”

After the happy party, Melissa found out that her beloved brother died and I let her go and give her brother a final farewell, because he was her only friend before moving in with Jed.

I was happy to see the little party crasher/”home wrecker” die.  Afterward,  Melissa doodled new epitaphs on other people’s graves, just for the hell of it.

Some of my favorites:

“Son, I know you just grew up an’ all lately, but when yew gonna cut ur hair?  It’s too long, people gonna think I’m raisin’ three dawturs!”

“Come on dad, it’s just bangs!  I’m styish!  Besides, there ain’t that many hair choices left!  They keep dissappearin’ in the CAS.  Nawt like I got much of a choice.”

“That’s a bunch a bull!  You could getta’ buzzcut or something manly!  Or carry on ur ancestor’s name, get a mullet if you like long hair!  Just git rid of them bangs!”

“Dad, you just don’t get it do yew…”

“Wut the hell is this?  Is the top on the cesspool in the back off again?”

“Naw, it’s Great Granny Amy goin’ back to her little plot in the backyard.”

“She didn’t hav’ta stink up the whole damn kitchen, now did she?!”

“Hey dad!  It’s great you finally decided to spend some time with us again!  I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Yeah.  Sorry ’bout that boys.  I’m just so close to finally becoming a rock star, so I haven’t been that good of a dad lately, have I?  I just thought that it would be a good idea to spend a little time with you two before… you know.”

“Don’t worry dad.  I mean, yeah, I can’t forgive you for being pretty much useless for the majority of our lives, but… um…

well, I got nothing.

I’ll just give you a hard time befriending me as usual, but it’s nice to talk to you out here today.  This is nice.”

“Thanks boys, for giving me a chance.  I promise I’ll be a better father from now on.  Maybe.  It’s hard, you know.  Maybe after I’m famous, I’ll buy you both pink Catuh’llacs!”

“Um… dad?  You aren’t Elvis.”

Alright Jared.  Now that you finally got both wishes to befriend your sons finally after all this time fufilled… you ready?

“No… please don’t make me do this.”

Oh Jared.  I don’t want you to do this either… but it was only a matter of time.

Did you hear that?

It was the sound of a truck backing over a cat.

OR IT WAS JUST THE REPOMAN PULLING UP INTO THE YARD

No!  NO SIR!  I PAID this time, I made SURE of it!  I’m being ripped off here!  Someone is tampering with my mailbox!!

“OH GAWD HE TOOK THEIR BATHTUB”

Thanks for that, Berkliegh.  I don’t think I would have noticed.  Oh, and if he scares you and you are trying to run from him, I don’t think it helps that you are running towards his truck.

“Oh great, another birthday party.  I could just DIE.  OH WAIT.”

“Very funny Lucy.  Hey, you see this?  Yeah.  Fuck you.”

“DAD!  Don’t flip the ghosts off!  She didn’t mean it like that!”

Not really his middle finger, but

“Oh come on!  You stopped it that one time for my dad, why won’t you do it for me?!”

To be fair, the game stopped itself, I had nothing to do with it!  I don’t want you to get old Jared, but it was only a matter of time.  You are gonna have to die one day you know.

“Uuuughhh, I still look like my father”

“OH GOD THERE’S A CAKE IN THE YARD”

Nice observation, Jed.  Note the only one that seems really happy that Jared’s getting old is Tamara.  Got a thing for older men I guess, I don’t know.

A rock star can’t wear a flannel shirt and jogging pants.

Or maybe they can

I tried giving Jared somewhat of a Willie Nelson look I guess, just because he’s in music.  Eh.  Worked with what little CAS options the game gave me >:\

“I jus’ luv feedin’ yew, lil fishie!  It’s like I have friends.”

YOU ARE DEPRESSING ME

“Hmm, yep.  That’s uh grave alright.”

Nice detective skills, Private Eye Leroy.  Your intellect surprises me each and every time I see you.

“OH LAWD NO!  NOT AGAIN!  I’M RELIVIN’ MAH DEATH ALL OVAH ‘GIN!!”

“Shut the hell up, stupid ghost man.  Ur stupid and yew disgust me.”

Wait, what are you doing messing with your brother’s workbench, Chevy?

“Just… enhancin’ it fur him.  Eh, I can’t figgur out why this screwdrivur won’t work fur me.”

I don’t know much about machinery myself.  But I would guess it’s because it’s a solid piece of metal with no screws in it.  Kinda pointless to poke at it with a screwdriver I guess.

“What the fu-WHO has been pokin’ at my hamstur incineratur’ inventshun?!”

Is that what the fuck that is?!

“They stabbed it with a screwdrivur’?  And wut the hell is THIS?!”

“HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIT”

And so, Dodge was supposed to die again.  This time, Chevy collected all the hooker money that came out of his dead body

No wait

…

I’m having a flashback to when I was a kid and this mexican woman let her kids waddle in the middle of the street in front of our oncoming van D:

“Why the hell’s that woman leavin’ her baby in front of my movin’ car?”

Sadly, Jed, that girl isn’t even related to that baby.  I have no idea where that kid’s family is.

“Well, I’m nawt stoppin’ my car fur a baby in the road.”

You wouldn’t, would you?

“My soul is empty.

With each passing day I feel a null void, like a cold empty fall wind on icy permafrost and all happiness is replaced with air.  I don’t care because I see nothing.  Beaten into me, I no longer feel, and the world asks me constantly,

why? It’s only human to feel.”

“And I will whisper to them…

Yes.  If I was human.”

“Enough of that, Harley.  Time for ur wittle birfday!  Yaysies! Cake and presents, isn’t that FUN?!”

WOW

Wasn’t expecting that at ALL.

When’s the last time that color of hair was in the bloodline?  Shark?  Interesting.

So.  Um.

What’s up with the, uh, coat?

“Grammy made me this hoodie hurself fur me!  It wus made outta an old quilt and a tabulcloth!”

Well then.  Luanne didn’t inherit any of her mother’s fashion sense, now did she?

WAIT.  Maybe she did…

“Hey babe!  I noticed you frum’ the window of my shop class!  Yew have track at that time!  Yew lookin’ fine today babe.”

“Lol, wut?”

“Wanna go grab a bite at the waffle hawse’r just go back to my place and, yew know, fool ’round?”

“…Wut??!”

“Are ur legs tired?”

“My… my legs?”

“Because yew’ve been runnin’ through my mind all day!  Actually, in my mind, yew’ve been in my bed.  And I ran outta lotion.  I gotta bad moodlet from it.”

“Um…. Dodge?  I… I don’t know how’tah begin this, but uh, I’m your cousin, remember?  Ur Aunt Ellie and Uncle Jess’ kid, Amber!”

“Wh-WUT?!  B-But, HOW?  I mean, yew aren’t showin’ up in my family tree or anythin’!”

“Well, you remembur wen Ellie and Jess were cloned?  Yeah, I’m the clone child.  Technically, I’m not ur cousin, but, yeah.  I’m ur cousin.”

“Well that just sucks!  This isn’t fair!  All I wanted to do was get down ur shirt!”

“I… I am not impressed.”

“Oh well, HEY lookit’ this!  It’s my gum from this mornin’!  And it’s still gud!”

“D-don’t eat that!  That’s gross!  And I don’t think that’s gum, that looks like old snuff to me!”

“So, you’re my baby sister, huh?”

“Yep, I guess so.”

“I’m, well, I’m not that impressed.”

“I guess you’ll have to do.  Yew are cute enough, I think yew can get outta a lot of trouble if yew were in it.”

“Huh?”

“Wut I’m meanin’ to day is that we are gonna be best friends.  I want us to hang out a lot, wut do you say sis?!”

“That sounds great!”

“But here’s the thing Harley.  If we are gonna be friends, yew can’t question anythin’ I do, ok?  Cuz that’s how friends work!”

“That’s great!  I always wanted ‘nother friend, bein’ friends with just Aunt Berkl’ay kinda sucks sometimes.”

“Gud.  That’s reminds me, let’s go visit Aunt Berkl’ay.  I haven’t seen her in a while and she might have birthday presents fur yew!”

“That sounds fun!”

“Chevy, it’s 7:30.  I’m tired.  I don’t even think Aunt Berkl’ay is back from her motel job, er wurever she said she worked.”

“So, Aunt Berkl’ay ain’t home huh?

Perfect.”

“So wut are ya gonna do?”

“Just go stand over by the mailbox and uh, yell if yew see Aunt Berkl’ay comin’ back.  I need to see somethin’ right quick…”

“Hey Chevy!  I think I see her car comin’ over the bridge!”

“Wut?  Ok, I’ll be there in a second!”

“I don’t think Aunt Berkl’ay is even usin’ this radio.  I’m just doin’ this radio a favor…”

“Chevy!  Wut are yew doin?!  Hurry up!  I’m tired and wanna go home!”

“Hold on, Harley!  I’m just checkin’ out Aunt Berkl’ay’s purdy lil flowers.  Just pickin’ a few fur mama.  Maybe all of ’em…”

“Chevy… wut were yew doin’?!”

“Nothin’ nothin’!  Hey, grab ur bike!  We’re gettin’ outta here befur Aunt Berkl’ay sees us!”

“Wut, why?!”

“Nothin’ let’s go!”

Well… that’s one way to end this chapter.