Maniac Marriage

“Sabrina, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m reading my palm, what does it look like I’m doing!?  It says… six more months of winter.  Huh.”

“Living here sucks.  I am NOT entertained at all.”

“Shut up, you aren’t the one sleeping on the couch.  Hmm… would you look at that, my palm told me that I have no taste in shoes.  Pfft, as if.”

Note that only one of my roommates has a job.  Go figure I’d be the lazy ass sitting on the couch all day staring at my hands.

What?  How is that… Luanne… is that even…

Back at the Seckies, everyone is excited, or I am, about Jed finally growing up and finding a girlfriend.

Ellie Mae moved out with Jess, and I found them a house far away from the rest of town.  Two days later, I found Ellie moved in Goodwin’s old house,  despite the fact that she and Jess are still in love and even married.  I can’t explain that one at all.

Jed has had a head start on his LTW, to have 13 perfect fish in an aquarium, and constantly fishes, even if I didn’t tell him to.  Something tells me this is going to be easy, and yet, it probably won’t be.

And Jed, should you be holding that piranha like that, with teeth as big as it has?

And what the hell, a river filled with sharks and piranhas?!   Where the hell is Twinbrook, in Brazil?!

No wonder swimming in the river isn’t an option.

“Wut’s this?  It’s not a fish!”

No, but it’s something I have never gotten by fishing before.  Treasure perhaps?  A diamond maybe?!

“It’s not a fish.”

Don’t be such a loser, Jed, it’s a treasure chest!  That’s better than a smelly fish anyway.

Not by much though.  Turned out to be a candle.  Because let me tell you, if I want to put something in a treasure chest for people to find later on, I’m going to put in a CANDLE.

“Berkliegh, I’m really worried about ur paw.  He hasn’t been home all night, and I called the bar.  No one’s there.”

“Mom, do you really gotta talk to me while we are watchin’ tv?”

“How can you not be concerned bout ur paw?!  Something’s really wrong bout this!”

“He’s probably dead in a ditch somewhere ma.”

“Berkliegh!  Don’t SAY things like that!  That wud be terr’ble if ur father died somewhere and we didn’t find out!”

Aw, poor naive Luanne.  How little you know.

But I see someone is really excited about his father kicking the bucket.

“My paw is dead!  WOOOOO!  This is the greatest day of my life!”

I know Shark hasn’t really been attentive or caring to his children all that much, but damn Jed.  Show some compassion.  Even Sinbad is a little down after Shark drowned.

“SHARK NUT STOMP”

“Nah man, it’s just not the same.”

“Yeah, I know…”

“Jed.”

“Um, Melissa.”

“Don’t call aftur the one night stand, don’t bother tuh keep in touch?  I see how it is.”

“Wut?  Wut the hell, Melissa, I called you three times today, and you spent the night last night!  How the hell did’ja you think I invited you here now?!”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m out!  Tee hee, catch me later!”

Oh hell no, I’m NOT doing this whole ‘chase’ crap again.

“No no no no no, stop Melissa!  I’m surious.  We can’t keep chasin’ each other around like this.  I… I need to ask you somethin’ important.”

“Mmm, ok sure.  I guess I got the time.”

“Melissa Lejole, I haven’t been so in love since the time I cawght’ that albino big mouth bass, but wen the park ranger forced me to release it back into the nature per’serve lake, I was devestated.  I cried and mah mom took me to McDawnalds’ fur some chicken tenders to make me feel better-”

“Get to the point, Jed.”

“Melissa, I’m determined that, unlike that fish, I ain’t gonna let you go.  Will you marry me and be with me furever?”

“Yes!  I will!”

“This is the greatest day of my life, after the death of my paw!  There is something else I wanna ask too.  I want to pick out where we are gettin’ married at, if that’s ok with you.”

“You don’t wanna front yard marriage like ur parents befur you?  That’s fine I guess.  But where do you want to do this at?”

I always wanted to try an off lot wedding, and I think I’ve picked a place that Jed would like very much.

“Um, a backwoods pond?”

“Hey, I’m not as excited as you are either.  Now if you don’t mind, I don’t care about your wedding.  I’m leaving.”  And Berkliegh did when I wasn’t paying attention.

“But, a weddin’ in the woods far away from town?  Seems a lil’ shady to me.”

“Hate to break it to ya, Melissa, but pretty much everything in this family is a lil’ creepy and shady.  Thank my dad over there.  He has a good bit of influence with the shadiness.”

“Dammit Jared stop being so truthful”

“And I shall be your entertainment fur the evenin’!”

Like hell you are, get your ass over there and marry Jed.

But first, let me say. I invited a mess of guests to this thing.  I invited Buck and his daughters, Ellie Mae and Jess, Jared’s son’s, even Tamara.

No one showed up.  I had everyone wait two extra hours after the party started, and no one even drove by.  Blaming it on the fact that my computer sucks and this being the first time I had a wedding held outside of the home lot, we proceeded with the ceremony.

I don’t think Melissa minded it at all.

“Is this er’body that’s showin’ up?”

“I guess so, unless you wanna hold the party off until another date when more people can make it-”

“No!  This is fine.  Matter of fact, I don’t even like the crowd that came!”

“Oh Shark!  I miss yew so!  If only you were heer to see ur son get married!  Oh, why did yew have to leave me?!”

“He left you because he’s dead, bitch!  HAHA!  I killed him!  BWAHAHAHAHA!!”

Nice sweater, Sinbad.

“I can’t believe I’m gettin’ married!  This is so…. oh mah lawd this is… EEEEEEE!”

“I can’t believe my son just squealed like a gurl.”

And so, the wedding went off much better than at Luanne’s and Shark’s.  Probably because of the lack of people.

*crickets chirp*

“Now that we are married, how do you like my housewife hairdo?”

“Did you really just change ur hair?!”

“You bet ur ass I did.”

And get this, later back at the house, I realized that half of the hairstyles didn’t even appear for her, including the last one she had.  They just didn’t show up in the Change Appearance.  Fuuuu-

But let’s offically introduce her now.

Meet Melissa Secksie (nee Mellisa Lejole, changed at City Hall because, I’m sorry to the people born with Mellisa as a name, but it’s always been MeLISSa to me.  Don’t confuse me with your messed up spellings.  I can only keep up with so many versions of a name.  This isn’t one of them.)  Her traits are evil, loner, brave, friendly, and eccentric, which isn’t quite insane, but it’s only a couple of screws away from being so.

In my opinion, she sounds more like a threat than Sinbad does.  Sinbad is hot-headed and just mean.  He’ll jump on your ass in a second and just be a real asshole.  Melissa sounds like the type of person who acts all nice, but then if you fuck with her, she’ll sit alone and cook up some horrid plan to torment you into madness.  And she’s brave too.  That means she’ll probably do whatever the fuck it takes to make sure her enemies suffer.  Look at that grin!  I don’t trust her.

After the wedding, they all had the reception party at the local diner/Waffle House.  Classy.

“Hey check it out guys!  How yall like my new muttonchops?”

“Why aren’t I dead yet?”

“Why?!  Why did my son have his reception at the cheap rest’rant!  Oh Shark!  I wish yew were here!  We’d have the reception at a funner place, like the bar, if yew were here with us!”

“Jeez, if your pancakes were that bad, maw-in-law, you should have said something!”

“So, you ready to seal the deal, babe?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

GENERATION FOUR, YEAH SON

Yeah, got it in his first go!  Good job Jed!

“I’M MORE FERTIL’ THAN A FISH IN A CORN CROP”

“Um, you changed ur hair again?”

“Of course!  I always sleep with a hibiscus in mah hair at night!  Makes it smell gud in the mawnin’.”

Sometime in the middle of the night, Melissa wished to start on her LTW and join the police force.  She then got up in the middle of the night, and went to get said job at four in the morning.  Because that’s what sane people do in order to work in the law enforcement.

Meanwhile, back at home, I found Sinbad in the back, grieving his dead wife for TWO AND A HALF HOURS straight.  I found it traumatically heartbreaking because after her death, he seemed fine with it for a while, but then to find him breaking down like this…

Later, he carved “super asshole” into the epitaph on Shark’s grave.

Also note, I moved the graves to the backyard under a tree.  Running out of space, I had to place Lucy’s grave behind the garage in front of a pile of spare tires.  I thought it was funny.  Apparently she didn’t.

“Um, you do know it’s nine in the mawnin’, right Lucy?”

“Yeah?  Ur point?!”

So yeah.  She stayed past 6.  Then 7.  DO YOU SEE WERE I’M GOING WITH THIS.  FUCK.

“Um, anyway.  Uh, Melissa!  Come out here right quick!  I’m gonna paint ur portrait!”

“Not today, Red head guy!  I’m on mah way back to the pond where me and Jed got married!”

Um…. WHY?  And why are you dressed in your formal NOW?

“Why are you askin’?  Jed’s already back at the pond himself!”

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

“Thanks fur invitin’ us to ur weddin, Cousin Jed!  I’m sure you and… Maniac Melissa… are gonna have a great life together!”

“Suriously, wut are yall guys talkin’ bout?  Me and Melissa got married yesterday!  Look!  I even have my invisabul’ ring to prove it!”

“That’s not what the invites said!”

“Melissa, what the hell is goin’ on?”

“BWAHAHA!  Isn’t this FABULOUS, Jed?!  I sent the invites out WRONG!  I sent them with the date a day LATE!  This way, we have TWO weddin’ parties!  It was FOOLPROOF!”

I don’t know HOW.  I looked over the damn invite twice before checking it in.  WHY and HOW it made the party happen the day AFTER it happened, I will never know, but all I can say is DAMMIT

“So Tamara, I see Trenton has grown up!”

“Yes, no thanks to you still.”

“Well, he looks great, Tamara.  I’m so happy the both of you could come.”

“PFFT.  He’ll pay attention to TRENTON, but he hasn’t even acknowledged ME standin’ here.”

I’m sorry Daniel!  He still loves you, I swear!  He’s just

Had a falling out with that skank mother of yours.

Not that Jared can talk, though.

But yes.  I checked Melissa’s family tree after adding her, and found out that she was an aunt.  She has a MUCH older brother, who has nailed Lisette sometime after Jared dated her, and she had Daniel a little sister.

To summarize, Melissa and her niece are also cousins-in-law.  Not as incestual as it sounds, but it was enough to confuse me, invade my dreams at night and gave me nightmares.

Horrible, Freudian nightmares where my dad was my cousin and my brother, making me nonexistant.  Woke up in a cold sweat.

“Oh Daniel, I do love you.  I love both you and Trenton.  Don’t you remember that time I took you to the fair or somethin’?”

“You never did that.”

“That’s right… that was me and my dad.  Sorry.”

Then the boys started vying for their father’s attention by throwing a pattern of interactions with Jared.

Chat with Daniel, gossip with Trenton, be cheered up by Daniel, be cheered up by Trenton, chat with Trenton, chat with Daniel, play tag with Daniel, play catch with Trenton…

Jared just stood there and pouted.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so confused in all his life.

“This party sucks.”

“I donno dad, I’m kinda havin’ a good time.”

“I got an idea, let’s run in a random direction and leave!”

“GREAT IDEA!”

And they did.  They didn’t run towards the road.  Adriane took off in the direction of my house in the woods and Buck ran to the other side of the pond and I looked away for a second and he was gone.

Dispite there being no ceremony during the actual party, the party was a modest success.  I don’t know how the sims 3 grades their parties, I was horribly confused.

But everyone left and Jed jumped straight into the pond and started fishing.   The flat mist of the pond looked more like Jed was standing underwater rather than next to the shoreline.  Wouldn’t have been surprised though.

“I can’t believe I’m married. I thought I was gonna get old and die alone, like Florence back there!”

“Um, I’m still happily marri-”

“OHMAHGAWD EVRRRBODY SHUT UP”

HURRAY!  The first of the fourth generation!  I never thought the crashes would let me see this MAGICAL DAY! ;_;

What will the baby look like?  What gender?!  Will I even get to fucking see it!?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME