The Slowest Wedding in the History of Weddings

I spent my weekend babysitting my dad’s dog I actually had a Labrador throw 2x4s at me and my foot might be broken because of the little shit, so I spent a lot of time on sims 3.

This was the majority of the game.

Last chapter involved a bunch of fights and babies and other depressing stuff, so I decided that it would be good to take the family out for a nice outing at the local pool.

“Awesum!  Am I gonna find any chicks here?!”

It’s not that nice of an outing.

“ALRIGHT!  Swimming!  Finally, some fun for us in this legacy!”

“Oh noes, how embarassing!  I can’t go through with this!”

What’s the matter with you now, Amy?

“Look at my husband!  He’s so hot, so young, and so muscular!  Sinbad is totally the sexiest man in this town!  And I’m, like, old, saggy and all around gross!  I can’t get in a bathing suit around him, my husband will make me look bad!”

Aww D:

“Hey son!  How about a breath holding contest with your old man!  I bet that I’ll beat you!”

“Pfft, ur on, old man!”

“Give up boy.  You can’t beat your father, no matter how long you hold your breath!”

“You wish, paw!  You don’t stand a cha-”

“EW, WHAT DA HELL!?  HE PEED IN THE POOL!!”

“YEAH!  I WON!  You ain’t got NOTHING on me, Jared!”

“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU PEED ON MY LEG!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

“Stop whining boy and take your loss like a man!  I didn’t raise a whiny little bitch.”

See Amy?  Now was getting in that bad?

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING TIME

“Check it out ma!  Imma kanguhroo!”

“ME TOO!”

“Playtime Sharkie!  Tee hee!  Splashy splashy!”

“STOP THAT SHIT LUANNE, SHARK IS NOT PLEASED”

“But I was just tryin’ ta-”

“SHARK ANGRY”

“D:”

However, later on that evening, everything was alright again.  The sunset was beautiful, everyone was in a good mood, and even the pool didn’t stink of old man sweat and burning chlorine as much.  It was almost romantic.  And it was there Shark decided that he really did love Luanne after all.

“Hey, Luanne.  Shark has been thinking, and Shark wants to give you something.”

“Hm?  Wus’ that?”

“Luanne, it’s a wedding ring.  So, what do you think?  Will you marry Shark and make the rest of this magical night duh best night of Shark’s life?”

“OHMAHGAW, ARE YEW PURPOSING?!  OHMAHGAW, YEW ARE PURPOSING!”

“I will marry yew Shark!  Oh, I jus’ luv yew so much!!”

“And Shark loves ya too!”

After that, the family celebrated the new proposal by going down to eat at a restaurant, where Sinbad realized that he no longer loves his own son.

Sims could wish for that?  And Jared is his best friend in the whole world, his only one as a matter of fact!  It was so sad.

But then the game crashed and he forgot all about it.

I AM NOT PLEASED WITH MY SIMS 3 PRODUCT

The proposal wasn’t forgotten, because I’m getting better with saving stuff, and the next morning, a small little outdoors wedding was set up in front of Goodwin’s Sinbad’s white pick up, and as many sims as I can stand on one lot were invited.

Aw, and the blushing bride was actually very pretty.

It must have been the glasses.

Luanne’s boss, Cho, was invited, and look at that, she brought a friend.

AND AWW, THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS AND EVERYTHING.

“Say what?!  I didn’t come with this chick, I don’t even KNOW her!  She just came up to me and started grabbing on my arm and crap!”

“Wh-what?  You don’t like me?  But weddings make me SO LONELY!  I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME GOODWIN!”

“I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU”

And the mother of the groom was even invited to grace us with her presence.

“What the fuck is all this!?  My son left his lovely life in our family manor to come live in this run down piece of shit?!  BOOOOOO.”

Shut the hell up and be happy you have grandbabies.

She was soon followed by the groom’s mean ass sister.

“What the HELL?  She’s wearing the same dress as me?!  ME?!  OH HELL NAW”

“Ugh, her brothur marryin’ in mah family?  We gon’ be related to HER?  Ugh, I’m so glad I moved out of this hawse.”

“Ok, enuff showin’ off all the guests that made it to tha weddin’.  Now, where’s Shark?  Why ain’t he here yet?”

I’m sure he’s coming Luanne.  I just saw him put on his formal

and disappear into thin air

“WUT?!  Wut the HELL do ya mean by that?!  HE’S NOT COMIN’ AT ALL IS HE!?!?”

It’s just the lag!  I swear!  There is no way he could have bailed BEFORE even showing up!

“Sinbad?  Like, where’s the damn groom?  He was supposed to be here two hours ago. Have you seen him anywhere?”

“Do I look like that boy’s damn keeper?”

“OH LAWD SINBAD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS”

“I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO SHOW UP”

“BAAAAW, oh LUCY!  I got STOOD up!  He gave me the ring then skee’dadduled!  How could he DO this to me?!”

“I really don’t care, to tell you the truth.  You askin’ the wrong woman.”

Then, almost two hours late, like a silent fart he appeared out of thin air.

“Shark is here babe!  Why is everyone yelling at Shark?”

Ok everyone, the wedding is about to start!  Find your seats!

FIND YOUR SEATS PEOPLE!

“We like standing up, especially standing up for three hours!”

“Man, screw this.  Shark hungry.  Shark wonders if the waffles in the fridge are any good.”

“OH FUCK NAW SHARK!  I did NOT just stand outside for four hours just so you could DITCH and go eat because you are HUNGRY!  MARRY THE DAMN GIRL OR I’M CASTRATING YOU IN YOUR SLEEP TONIGHT!”

“Hmmm, castration or starvation, which is worse?”

“Psst, starvation!  Tee hee, come’ere and marry me!”

“HURRY UP WE ARE ALL STARVING HERE!”

*TWO MORE HOURS LATER*

“There suriously has to be a patch for this shit.”

*Half of another damn hour*

“Hey look Luanne, look at what Shark found in his pocket!”

“Yes, that’s a RING my dear.  You put it on mah finger now?”

And so, even though HE married HER, Luanne’s last name changed to Racket to my displeasure, and she proceded to nom nom on his face as the crowd bitched about how awful of a wedding that turned out to be in the end anyway.

“Ah yes.  It fills my heart with joy at get togethers like this.  Not only will the married couple soon realize how much they hate each other now that they are married, but everyone else hates the married couple just as much now.  I think this was a very succesful wedding in my hindsight.”

Hey Sinbad, shut up.

Now we go to the after party, where there was food and DANCING!

“Boo!  Old man, you SUCK!”

“I’m not dancing, I’m twisting my sore legs from standing so long!”

“Haha, Goodwin, you can’t dance, you are too old to be any good at dancing!”

“SHUT UP SINBAD, I’M NOT FUCKING DANCING”

“Aw shit, I just pissed myself!”

“Why didn’t you go behind a tree or something Sinba- oh shit, I have to pee myself now.  This wedding sucked.”

“Aw, so ur my niece, Sandra?  I’m so glad to finally meet yew!  I’m glad you took after ur mother, yew are so cute!  Why, you have two little cousins urself and believe you me, they aren’t nearly as cute as yew bla bla bla”

“I cut school for THIS?”

After the party, I finally realized that Jared had gone missing.

“Hey, I was going to the party, then I didn’t care.”

He stood in someone’s basement for SIX hours before I realized he was gone.  Dumb ass.

Everyone was miserable and tired and stinky after the wedding, so Jed didn’t get a birthday.  He grew up on his own.

I have NO idea where that nose came from.

“Hee hee, da Tinkewbells give me kissies on mah nowse!”

His sister, Ellie Mae, is still a toddler though.

“Oh Mr. Bear.  Ur da only one to give me attention as of lately”

“Fer that, I’m gonna EAT YOU NOM NOM NOM”

The following morning, two birthday cakes where set out, as it is time for even more birthdays!

“Aw MAN!  It’s my birthday ALREADY?!  But I ain’t ready to grow up yet!  I haven’t had my first kiss or gotten to first base or anythan’ yet!”

“No son.  It’s not for you today.”

“It’s for me.”

“Aw man, paw.  Sucks tuh be you right now.”

So yeah, not all good things last forever, because Sinbad FINALLY gets old now.  But he stayed young for a really long time, longer than I was thinking it would be.  It was a good run.

“YEAH!  Woo, I’m missing school for this!”

“Hey, would you look at that!  The ghost guy showed up!  And he even wore actual clothes for once to my own party!”

“Of kurse I dressed up fur this occashun!  I can’t miss the elder birthday of teh man that’s bangin’ my wife!  It makes me feel gud that I died yung and ur gettin’ old!  YEAH!”

Any wishes Sinbad?

“Hmmm… I wish that the game would crash so I can stay young for just a bit longer!”

WISH GRANTED *crash*

MOTHERFUUUU

*two more cake purchases later*

“What the hell?!  I’m sharing my birthday with a TODDLER?!  Why can’t I just have anything to myself for once!”

Trust me Sinbad, rather one double birthday and two birthdays at separate times.

“Burthdays make me DURR”

I hear ya.

“Oh, why does gettin’ old have to hurt my ass so much?!”

“What the hell?  What happened to my sexy bad boy image?!  I look less like a criminal and more like I sell John Deere tractors for a living!”

FAJKWERIFBVW*#@%)(&*# HE LOOKS LIKE MY BIOLOGICAL GRANDPA

WHAT THE HELL TWINBROOK

And Ellie Mae grows up…

Huh… would you look at that.

Well, hate to leave you hanging about her real appearance, but HAHAHA CLIFFHANGER

HANGING FROM A CLIFF

AND THAT’S WHY HE’S CALLED CLIFFHANGER