Island Paradise: Surf and Sailing

Hello once again everyone!!

I know I haven’t updated lately, but you know what I haven’t done even longer than that?  I haven’t gotten a new EP in a while, in over a year actually!  I have been thinking about getting one for a while, and I finally think I have settled on a good one: I’m going to try Island Paradise!

I know it’s not the newest, and you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, “Sabrina, that EP is so 2013, everyone has it and Into the Future is where it’s at right now!”  And to that I say, “Well… yeah but… mermaids.”

So without further ado, we turn it over to our test family before we turn it over to our legacy families, as we journey through Isla Paradiso.

Everything here is so beautiful and clean looking, unaware of the filthy data I’m about to shove through it.  So exotic you can almost smell the warm sunshine and feel the salt on your face.

After our last EP test, Wren and Raven adapted to lives as a fairy and a witch.  They grew up and eventually met and married their husbands, Marlon and Wulfric, brothers born to Liam O’Dourke and Cycl0n3 Sw0rd.  Raven and Marlon moved to Isla Paradiso soon after marriage, and adapted to island life.  Wren and Wulfric stayed in Starlight Shores, and had two children, a young witch daughter and a normal son.  Eider, the girls’ younger cousin, would go on and start a multi-billion dollar industry in anti-zombie warfare and government exploitation, and would later become the first werewolf on a space station in deep space.

Every year for the summer, Wren and Wulfric take the family to Eider’s mass estate for holiday, but this year is different…

A rented van putters through one of the islands of Isla Paradiso.  They don’t know which island it is, or if it’s even the right one.  A group of stupid teenagers stole all their baggage at the airport, including the map and cellphones.  They have been driving in circles for hours and are starting to get a little scared that they are in Farcry 3 instead of the calm and placid sims EP they are supposed to be in.

Merlot: “Why again can’t we go see Uncle Eider this year?”

Wulfric: “For the eighth time, son.  Eider has got to stay in deep space this year to deal with the oncoming Reaper threat.  We are going to spend sometime with Uncle Marlon, Aunt Raven, and Syrah.  You guys haven’t been here in five years, and it would be nice to actually have a traditional summer vacation on earth.”

Chianti: “I don’t exactly recall this place, father.  Why on earth would we go to some remote “pirate sanctuary” for a vacation anyway?”

Wulfric: “That’s something you’ll have to ask your mother.”

Wren: “It’s nothing like the Pirates of the Caribbean that you saw on the flight here, my little witchling.  It’s a good resort archipelago that does good, and mostly legal, business with mainland tourists.  Trust me, it’s not some pirate sanctuary, unlike that cheap hunk of rock, Barnacle Bay.”

Chianti: “I still don’t think this is going to be a good holiday.  Too many trees around, harboring wild beasts and guerrilla fighters, and all this humidity is making me stick to my seat!”

Wren: “No sweetie, I can promise, that’s just this cheap rental van.  I’ve kinda been sinking through this fake leather since I sat in this thing.”

Wulfric: “Welp!  We’re here!  I see there place hasn’t changed a bit since we were last here.  Go figure my lazy brother wouldn’t fix this place up proper.”

Wren: “Not everyone can afford to live in a spacecraft or a hover manor, dear!  Please behave with your brother this month, ok?”

Merlot: “I would also like to thank you two for picking out the best rental van your money could buy, mom!  After my PSVita fell through the hole that is the missing floorboard, I at least had the busted exhaust fumes to dope me up for entertainment!  Fantastic trip already!”

Wren: “It was the last four door vehicle they had on lot, son.  And if you keep being a smartass with me this summer, I am not turned off from the idea of putting a sleeping curse on my own son for the rest of the month.”

Raven: “Wreeeeen!  There you are, we’ve been expecting you for hours!  We also expected you to come up from the other way, since it’s only ten minutes from the airport from the far end of the street here.”

Wren: “I, eh, we went on a scenery trip first.  Hadn’t been here for a while, just looked around.  Don’t worry about it anymore, we’re here now, Raven!  How have you been, sister?”

Raven: “How have you been doin’ mah sister from another mister!”

Wren: “Ah yes, but we were from the same mister, Raven.  Our father was the same, as is our mother, we are all children of our Earth, and our father is the embrace of the Universe.”

Raven: “Why do you always have to get technical and weird with me, Wren?”

Wren: “You remember my daughter, Chianti, right Raven?  I know you haven’t seen her since she was a baby, but she’s also a witch, and she’s very smart.”

Chianti: “Hello, Aunt Raven, sister from another Father of Time and Mother of our Gaia, first rule of Fight Club is that we do not mention Fight Club to other people.”

Raven: “Um.”

Wren: “I told you not to try to shaka bra to Aunt Rave-oh forget it.  Just go upstairs and unpack your suitcase.”

Marlon: “I’m glad to see you made it okay, bro.  I’m also glad to see you made it here alright too, Merlot!  You remember your ole’ Uncle Marlon right?”

Merlot: “Yeah, Uncle Marlon I remember you, blablablabla, now that I’ve said hey, can I go get my Xbox out of the car, dad?”

Wulfric: “I told you I didn’t even want you to pack that thing!  Just, no, Merlot.  You are here to spend time with your family, and you aren’t leaving me here alone with your Uncle Marlon.”

Marlon: “Don’t worry, Merlot.  I’m sure Syrah is around here somewhere, and you two can hang out.  He’s been looking forward to your visit all week.”

Marlot: “Oh please don’t let Syrah actually be here today…”

Wulfric: “Ignore him, I’m going to have a talk with him later about being a rude little prick anyway.  Let’s talk about what’s really important here today, brother.  Your island is still a top-of-the-notch fishing destination, correct?”

Marlot: “Well, we did have a massive oil spill two years ago that destroyed a majority of our coral reefs, but we’ve managed to hold on to about 10% of our species and their population.”

Wulfric: “Magnificent!  I’ll get my fishing rods out of the van!”

Raven: “Since you were last here, we’ve managed to purchase our own boat house as our secondary home!  We recently got the engine fixed through, so sometime later, we’d love to take you out for a ride on it.”

Chianti: “You really don’t expect me to roll down this cliff to get to that thing, do you?”

Raven: “Oh no, you don’t have to worry about that.  The boys are going to go down and check it out.  I’m taking you to our little resort me and your Uncle Marlon run in the meanwhile!”

Wulfric: “You really should put a railing and some stairs down to this place, Marlon.  I don’t like falling off ledges like that.”

Marlon: “Ah, some dirt in your mouth builds character, bro.  Anyway, this is our boat house, we spend more time in the main house, but you guys are welcome to stay here during your visit.  Look around, make yourselves at home, I have to go to work now though.  People around going to save themselves from drowning around here, haha!”

Marlot: “Why is it so loud in here?!  Wait… oh no.”

Syrah: “Merlot!  How’s it hangin’, bra?!”

Merlot: “Ugh.  Hey Syrah.”

Syrah: “I’m so stoked you’re here, man!  This is gonna be one bitchin’ summer already, I can feel it!”

Meanwhile across town, the girls arrived at Raven’s and Marlon’s resort that they purchased with the insurance money Raven got when her mother was killed in a freak pizza delivery accident.  They called it the No Seasons, because Four Seasons was already taken, but mostly because of the absence of a certain weather related EP.

Raven: “Hey Darin!  How’s business been going today?”

Darin: “Well we almost got a customer!  Someone actually walked by the resort, and I tried to entice him in by running out and crying, holding onto his leg and screaming ‘please don’t go, we need business!’  I think it went well, he only kicked me in the face once and didn’t run away as fast as the last guy!”

Raven: “That’s fantastic!  We are going to get this place off the ground in no time with that kind of upbeat optimism!”

Wren: “How do you even pay anyone?!”

Wren: “Well, you do have a lovely spot on the island!  The water is nice and warm, and with a little better upkeep, you can have this place bustling in no ti-”

Raven: “WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A DING DANGLY MINUTE!  What was our desk clerk’s name again, I just fracking noticed it!”

Wren: “What”

Darin Dick: “Yes, everyone has to point out my name tag.  Now that I think about it, maybe that’s what’s driving everyone away.  I wouldn’t want to take a hotel room from someone named Darin Dick.”

You poor man.

Raven: “I see you still haven’t discovered the usefulness of a razor, sister.”

Wren: “There’s nothing wrong with embracing the naturalness of the body you were given.  Embrace it, and thank the mother earth everyday for this natural coat of winter protection.”

Raven: “It’s the middle of fracking July, Wren.”

Wulfric: “Alright, young man.  I have to lay some ground rules down.  We are on vacation, so no electronics, no video games, no computers.  You have to spend time with your family, and spend some time with Syrah.”

Merlot: “This is bull hockey.  I didn’t even sign up for this junk.”

Syrah: “Don’t freak, Uncle Wolf.  Me ‘n Merlot’s gonna have a banging good time!  I’m gonna show him around the island, introduce him to some of my beach bunny buddies, and he’s gonna have a bossin’ good time!”

Wulfric: “See, Syrah’s gonna be with you.  You are going to be fine with him.  Now, I’m going to go fishing, and you two have a good time.  Stay out of trouble, and don’t get lost, because the locals don’t speak english around here and probably can’t help you.”

Merlot: “Dad, no one speaks english.  We only know simlish in these countries.”

Wulfric: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”

Wulfric, the ever amateur fisher that he is, apparently believes that the best way to attract his quarry is to violently splash around on the beach and scare them all off.

Wulfric: “Actually no, I’m thrashing around, attracting the attention of the curious fish, making them think one of their friends are hurt.  They will arrive with med-packs, and then BAM, instant fish hook.”

How does he not have his own fishing show on the hunting channel.

Chianti: “Mom ended up sending me out with dad to keep an eye on him.  Apparently he tends to get into trouble when he’s alone.”

Ghost: “I once got into trouble here a few years ago.  Now I suffer forever for it.”

Chianti: “What, go away ghost, what are you even doing out here?  What do you think this is, Moonlight Falls?!  Jeesh.”

Wulfric: “You didn’t have to snap at him, you know, sweetheart.”

Chianti: “Hush it, dad.  I’m doing my yoga now.  I can’t keep my magical chakras in check if you and some blubbering dead guy keep chattering in my ear.”

Ghost: *Is outie*

Syrah: “You’re gonna love this, bro.  The boat house actually leaves port, in we’re gonna go all out today!  I’m gonna show you some choice surfin’ spots, and tomorrow, we’re getting up and chasing waves!”

Merlot: “Yeaaaah… about that.  Do you think you should be moving your parent’s house boat out of port and all?  I don’t think you should be taking this thing anywhere.”

Syrah: “Don’t sweat it, dude!  I’ve been driving this thing around since I was 10!  You don’t even need a license or anything to take this baby out.  Who needs a car really when ya got this babe!”

Merlot: “That’s cool and all, but maybe you shouldn’t take up the whole bay with this thing?  I mean, we got a speedboat coming in on us really fast…”

Syrah: “Once again, don’t sweat it!  She’s got plenty of breathin’ room starboard side, she can squeeze on by just fine.”

Merlot: “Oh GOD!  SHE’S GOING TO SMASH INTO THAT BOAT HOUSE!  SYRAH DO SOMETHING”

Syrah: “DUDE!  Calm your tits!  She’s still got plenty of space to get on b-LET GO OF THE STEERING WHEEL THERE’S NOTHIN’ WE’RE GONNA DO”

Merlot: “SHE SPUN OUT!  SHE’S TAKING ON WATER!  CALL THE COASTGUARD, THROW A LIFERAFT!”

Syrah: “You’re dad was right.  You really are a dweeb, Merlot.”

Merlot: “OMYGAD OMYGAD oh man ok, she righted herself, she’s going on around, I just, I need a paper bag to breath in.”

Syrah: “You really don’t know anything about boating, do ya, Mer?  Here’s the dealio, go take a sip of dad’s rum he’s got chillin’ at the bar, and sit and chillax for a bit on the deck, I’ll call you when we reach the other side of the island, mmk?”

Merlot: “Want me to pour you one too?  I’m making my very own special mix: hard cider with cherry Koolaid mix!”

Syrah: “Being as I don’t need to beach this house, I think I’m going to pass, but have fun with that, bro.”

Meanwhile, the sisters continue to hang out at the beach and get better acquainted.  They also learn at how bad the resort’s condition has degraded.

Masao: “Wow what a loser.  Obviously a tourist, HEY LADY, COOL PEOPLE DON’T WALK AROUND WITH A LIFE VEST ON, SHOW SOME TIT”

Honey: “Silly inland dweller, got a pair of monkey feet to go with them gorilla legs?  Hahaha!”

Wren: “Looks like someone’s messing with the wrong gorilla girl.”

Don’t Wren, they’re customers.

Honey: “What did you do to me?!  I’m with child!  If I find out you messed with my soon to be fetus I’m going to give this resort such a low score…”

Masao: “How low can you go though, right dear HAHAHA, please don’t kill us D:”

Wren: “Chidus Typhinius, make these losers amphibious!”

And so, the resort lost what little score they had, thanks to Wren.

Syrah: “Hmmm, this area is new to me, I think it’s called Virmire, and I wonder what killer cool crabs we’re gonna run into out here!”

Meanwhile, Syrah let his adventurous streak get the better of him, and instead of going to port before nightfall, he got a little distracted offshore…

Merlot: *Sobs* “Stupid fancy vacation, stupid *HIC* tropical islands, stupid Syrah, stupid *HIC* everything!  And stupid hot dogs!  Why can’t you actually cook right?!”

Maybe because the grill isn’t on?  Merlot go to sleep, you’re drunk.

Wulfric: “Four minnows and a tuna into this, I think I’m finally starting to understand fishing!  Especially now that I mastered the art of standing on the water, I will soon be this ocean’s biggest predator!”

Chianti: “Dad, it’s been 7 hours.  I JUST wanted to go parasailing!”

Their first night drifted on in Isla Paradiso.  Raven and Wren stayed the night at No Seasons, and Chianti gave up and went back to the house, leaving her father to be weird on the beach.  Crime ran rampant that night, resulting in all the coast guard boats to be stolen in an inside job.

Bernardo: “But crime will not prevail, for justice never sleeps!  We will continue to serve our town, boats or no boats!”

And no laws of physics either.

Merlot: “Zzzzmmmph, ugh, my head hurts.  Where am I… this isn’t my bedroom… oh that’s right, the boat house.  Mmmpf, really, where am I though?”

Merlot: “Syrah?!  SYRAH?!  Where are you?!  Where are WE?!  I can’t see a thing out here!”

Syrah: “Toot toot, we’ve reached our destination, bro!  The perfect spot for the perfect surf!  Who’s ready to catch some gnarly waves?!”

Merlot: “SYRAH!  Where ARE we?!  We can’t see a thing out here, do you even know where we ARE?!”

Syrah: “Well, last night after you started throwing raw hot dogs into the ocean, and drunkenly insulting the fish, you passed out and I decided to take a tour around a really cool island I found.  And so, we are HERE!”

To be fair, I don’t really know why they are out here either.

This is NOT really where I told you to go, guys!

Merlot: “Syrah, please!  We have to go back!  We are going to get into so much trouble for taking this thing out in the middle of open ocean like this!  Can’t we just forget about all this and I’ll just let you play Jet Ski Racing on my GBA!”

Syrah: “I will agree, it’s not as windy as I thought it’d be.  Which is a real bummer, so maybe the surf isn’t killer like I thought…”

Merlot: “I could care LESS about the surf, Syrah!  I just want to get this thing back to land before our parents notice we’re gone!”

Syrah: “Mer, please, don’t have a cow.  I’ve done this a buncha times, my parents don’t mind, and I’m sure you’re parents are gonna be cool with this!  Besides, we still see the northern coasts from here, so we’re all good!  Now get your doggers on and let’s go hit some surf!”

Merlot: “I don’t want to surf though!  Just take me on shore, you can just leave me there, and go surfing all you want, I just want to go home and sleep until this vacation is over.”

Syrah: “Dude, you really are being a bummer right now.  Look, a couple of waves with me, and I’ll take ya back to the beach.  Fair enough?  Fair enough.”

Merlot: “Don’t IGNORE me and jump in the ocean when I’m talking to you!  SYRAH!  You’re going to get me killed out here!”

Syrah: “That’s junk, bro!  The water is safe, and you’re safe with me, just jump in!”

Pictured above: Not safe.

Merlot: *Pretty damn dead*

Syrah: *Pretty dead too, didn’t think that through at all, did ya, Syrah*

Syrah: “Just lean into the wind, and let the board do the rest!  When I’m done with you, you’re gonna be the most natural damn newbie in the waters!”

Merlot: *Grips through the sail, tearing it probably* “I’m not all to sure about this, Syrah…”

Meanwhile, Marlon has quite possibly one of the slowest jobs out there.

Marlon: “I guess for such a remote island town, everyone here’s pretty good at swimming, you know?”

Marlon: “That, and no one is really here today.”

Are you sure you went to the right beach, Marlon?

Syrah: “Where’d he go?  Don’t tell me Mer already wiped out.  Dude!  Where’d you go?!”

Merlot: “Glub glub glub!”

Syrah: “Seriously?!  You gave up on surfing, bro?  BRO, surfing is life!”

Merlot: “GLUB GLUB!”

Syrah: “FINE.  You don’t have to surf, be a kook, see if I care.  Just snorkle around until I get back, I’M actually going to go out and enjoy this calm… boring water.  Lates.”

Merlot: “Thought he’d never leave.  That windsurfing mess was killing my knees.  At least in the water it’s nice and calm.  I really like this.  This is really… peaceful.”

Honey: “I have this really poor suspicion that something is wrong with this resort, Masao.  Like there’s something in the water or the beds have sand fleas… I don’t know, but that witch bitch is giving me the chills.”

Masao: “Well we did make fun of her all last night, so I’m sure she’s just angry.  Let her be weird dear, and help me finish this burger.  These flies aren’t going to finish it all off for me.  Mmmm, flies…”

Next time: Will Syrah and Merlot learn to get along while out in the open water?  Will Wren stop scaring off Raven’s customers at the resort?  Will Darin Dick stop scaring customers off at the resort?  Will Honey and Masao have tadpoles?  Find out next time, whenever that’ll be!