Cradle Robbin’

AMG U GAIZ

WE ARE HALFWAY THERE

I CAN SMELL THE IMPENDING CRASH

Oh and spring break was awesome, I got licked by a giraffe.  It’s not really important, I just like telling everyone.

Last time, Virginia had a birthday and grew up the same way her brother Lonnie grew up: retarded.  At least Amber got a kick out of it.  Poor Jed looks scarred.

Dodge stopped giving a damn.

Virginia now wants to be a Jack of all Trades (watch me fuck this up) and has gained the trait childish.

Probably because of all the children at her birthday party.

Go ahead Virginia, pick one out.  Chances are that one of these things are going to have to grow up and be your husband/baby daddy.  Oh sob.

“Ooh, well ain’t cha jus’ a lil darlin’!  Wut’s ur name?  Sheldun?  That’s so cute!”

“How’d I know yew again, lady?”

“Welp, I’m gonna leave now and pretend I have a family to go home to.  Catch ya lata’ Vurginyuh’!”

“Aw, ok then.  How bout a hug befur yew go, cutie?!”

That’s not a hug.

“Mmmm, squishy.  Oh yeah, by the way, ur party sucked.”

Screw you Sheldon, I thought I did a good job with this party.

Meanwhile, grampa Jed left early to go hang out with his grandchildren with Harley.

“I jus’ luv playin’ futball with diff’rent people every now and then”

“GIT READY FUR THE ULTIMATE IN SPLEEN PAIN”

“OH GAWD GRAMMPAW!! NAWT AGAIN!  PLEASE!  EEEEEEEEEEEEK!! *hides in the bushes*”

Really?

“Oh stop bein’ a lil bitch, Micuh’.  Fine.  No Spleen Destroyur fur yew.  Baby.”

Exactly how can you play football in the bushes?  That can’t be comfortable.

I’d like to think that Micah got a few poison ivy rashes and some serious briar cuts.

And back at the house, the party ended after Lonnie motorboated my roommate’s  boyfriend, who in turn was not too happy about it.

YES

One of the DOZEN of hairs I downloaded actually made it into my game *saves the website it came from*

Ok, I totally lost the website it came from T_T

I don’t know why, considering that Virginia is a couch potato, but she started wearing a tacky matching workout outfit.  I know you people have seen these things.

“Let’s see, grampaw Leroy is violatin’ my cake cuuuuzz…..?”

OH YEAH

FORGOT TO MENTION

GUESS. WHO’S. BACK.

“Come on, yall know yall missed me!”

Why can’t you just STAY DEAD?! DX<

“Aw man, I’m thinkin’ bout makin’ a baby wid yew gurl”

Um, the fridge?

“Yeah baby.  I know ur justuh’ kitchun ‘pliance, but we can make this work…”

Can’t we just get someone to act sane here for once?

AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE

“Wut? it’s fur a new coat!”

…No.  Just no…

“Ok computur’ I need a job.  Nooooow…. go.”

Try opening it first, Virginia.

She had to become a gardener locked for a day or so, so that was the first job she got, dispite her one skill point in it.  But that’s no biggie.

She went down to the store and sold all her mother’s fruits and vegetables from her garden that Amber had grown since she had first moved into the house.  There was so much that Virginia automatically jumped up to level 5.

Easiest damn job I’ve ever done.

Before the store could realize that she didn’t even grow the damn produce and charge her for stealing her own mother’s product or whatever, Virginia quit and moved on.  Like a true scam artist.

Lonnie and Amber still don’t see eye to eye just because of their little tiff with each other back when Lonnie was a child.  Never have an insane person in a house with an inappropriate person.  They just don’t work.

“-an’ dad’s jus’ so borin’, and can yew believe he’s even still alive at his age?”

“Lawnie, that’s ur papa ur talkin’ bout, don’t be such an asshole.”

“Sigh, mama, yew just don’t understand do ya?”

“DANGIT TUH HELLBLARGFUGH, that damn raid’yo bettur nawt have knocked me upHURLGH”

People, come on now.  Stop humping the household appliances!

“Vurginyuh’, it’s me!  Recuh’nize me?  It’s me, Sheldun’!  We met at the party, remembur?”

“Wait, how’r yew Sheldun?  We JUST talked on the phone!  Five minutes ago!  Yew sounded… so much youngur!”

“Uh yeah, bout that, I hit puburdee’ on the way ovur heer.  My voice cracked and stuff.  What’cha think?”

“Aw man…”

“… Yew sound dissappointed Miss Vurginyuh’.”

This is a game of tag, by the way.

UGH.  Whatever happened to a good old tag on the shoulder?!  Really guys?!

“Mmmm, this is squishy too!”

“I like playin’ tag wid’ ya Sheldun’!  We should really git tuhgetur’ an’ do stuff like this more often!  I jus’ enjoy ur comp’neh so much!”

“Thanks Miss Vurginyuh’… but uh… do ya really have to have ur hand wrapped ’round my hip like that…  makes me a lil’ uncomfurtable…”

Why are you complaining?!  You’re the one that was groping her earlier!

“RAAAAHSHARKISTHEGHOSTFURTHISGENERATIONGOAWAY”

“GAWT’O MIGHTEH wut was THAT?!”

“Sweetheart, I need tuh talk to ya.  I’m kinda gettin’ worried yew know, cuz of all the time ur spendin’ with these… children…  The town’s kinda talkin’ sweetie.”

“Papa, I don’t know wut ur talkin’ bout!  I’m just makin’ friends, I don’t know wut ur so worried ’bout.”

“Yeah but, none of ur friends are older dear.  And wen ‘r ya gonna find urself a man?  Girl like yew needs to go find urself a rich husband to help support yew dear!”

“Aw dad, don’t worry bout that right now!  I can’t help it if all my guy friends are a lil… smallur *hand gesture*”

“Virginia Clem Secksie, yew BETTUR NAWT BE REFURRIN’ TO WHAT I THINK YEW ARE REFERRIN’ TO.”

“I was talkin’ bout all ’round shortur papa, damn!”

I don’t know, I still smell Pedobear in the room *puts face down in shame*

“Come on sweetheart!  Please fur ur old papa at least TRY talkin’ to some guys ur age!  I know yew think ur still a child urself, but yew kinda need to grow up, ok?  Heer, I know a guy that would be really nice fur yew, I met him at a fur-wheelur race event last year.  Heer’s his numbur.”

“FINE papa.  I’ll go meet this guy, if it’ll please ya.  I don’t know why ur so worked up at me findin’ a man just cuz I hang out with kids who don’t have parents ‘r guardian supervalence’.”

“That.  That right there is why.”

Now that Virginia has a date, I can kind of move on to more pressing matters.  Like why Berkley is still in the house from a party two nights ago.

“P-p-please don’t send me home!  I don’t wanna go back by mahself!  I might fall and break mah old hip and die!”

So I did send her home.  She did die a couple of minutes later.  Huh, she wasn’t lying.

And also, why is Cycl0n3 in the house?!  No one even INVITED him or LET HIM IN!

“Sssh, leave him be, he’s had a really hard day findin’ out that his gurl Tamara would rathur date Cho’s eldur n’ dyin’ son than stay with him.”

Still no reason to come crashing on the living room floor now get him out.

“So ur the friend my papa wus tellin’ me bout?”

“I LIEK STEAK!”

“…”

“I mean, yeah, I’m Braden.”

“Yew luk… how do I say… oldur?”

“I’m 45 sweetcheeks.”

“Oh my!  Well… then… I don’t know but uh… I’m kinda nawt lookin’ fur a boyfrien’ at the moment… fur the record…”

“Oh don’t worry ’bout that, I already have a boyfriend myself!”

Can there be a glitch in the sims that cause all the sims in town to become gay?  Because I’m starting to see a pattern.

And what are the odds that two roommates of the same name end up dating each other?  Unless he’s glitchy and is dating himself.  Then that’s just really sad.

“Oh gawd I’m gonna have yew SO HARD”

._. dude back off the stuff a bit, you don’t have to give it a death glare.

“I really gotta focus on sumthin’ to drown out th’ sound of my folks screwin’ in the next room as loud as they are.”

“DAMN, HOW LOW CAN YA GO, AMIRITE BABE”

“DOES THAT THING EVEN STILL WORK ANYMORE”

And Jed and Shark share probably the only father-son bonding moment they’ll ever have… you know, if you can call this a bonding moment…

“Shark is so proud that Shark’s son inherieted the infamous Racket girth, sniff, so proud…”

…I’m not even going to say anything…

“Yo!  Guys!  The neighbur’s ‘r movin’ away again!”

Really?  They’ve only been there across the street for two weeks!  You can’t keep a neighbor long enough for shit, can’t you?!

“Well, they recently just had two kids all of a sudden, they’re prolly tryin’a get as far away frum Vurginyuh’ while they can.”

This is probably a good idea…

“Dang, that foul ole’ Sinbad ghost found his way into the house again.”

“Shut the fuck up boy, I did nothing but change your shitty diaper for the first seven years of your life!

Besides, I have more important issues to deal with right now…”

“Goodwin…”

“Uh, Sinbad.”

“I’m so gonna kick your pansy ass…”

“Seriously?  Why can’t we just be friends? D:”

“Eeck, old fart Goodwin, Shark is nawt happy with ur ass floatin’ around in his way, just get the hell outta here!”

“Awww, why are people so unhappy with me tonight?!  What did I do?”

Who knows, all you did was die in their yard and haunt their house for the past decade or two or five.

“Hey!  Vurginyuh!  Haven’t seen yew since yew grew up!  Check it out!  My voice finally cracked!  I’m about’ta have my 18th birthday!  Then, yew know, we can be togethur, maybe, if ur still interested…”

“Hm?  That’s nice…”

“Vurginyuh?  Somethin’ tells me yew aren’t really all that happy to hear bout this…”

“No, no, that’s nice an’ all, uh, Sheldun-”

“Darrell…”

I guess she was only interested in him for his cuter younger boy years?  I don’t know, I haven’t had much interest in Darrell myself even though my options are really low.

Really guys?  Stop that shit, you two are related (hasn’t stopped Amber) and Dodge is on the fucking lot somewhere D:<

“Wut can I say, he kissed me first, and it was the most romantic tonguein’ I’ve gotten in a while.”

“Well Miss Secksie (creepy) that’s the sweetest compliment I’ve gotten since I died bout a century ago-”

“BUT UR DAWGHTUR’ HAS NICER TITS THAN YEW!!”

“W-wut?!”

“Yew heard me yew saggy ole’ biddy!  Damn!  I don’t know how I was ever even in’trested in yew!”

Inappropriate sims.  They don’t know what they want.

And so, we bring this chapter to a close.  As our heir starts meeting “men”, will we find someone for her to love, or will we be in this uncomfortable stage where we are stuck looking at children for a while longer?  Because this chapter was kinda weird for me to write ._.

Will Lonnie actually make babies with the fridge?  Will Shark even move out of the way of it so that Lonnie can even reach it?  Will this town make fucking babies already?!

Will Darrell start stalking this family, because he’s been standing in the garden for seven hours so far.

“Yeah!  Seeds!  I can’t starve and die here because I can just eat this stuff and I’ll be fine!”

Touch the life plants and you’ll become a castrati and forced to live as a young boy forever.

Oh, and before we go:

Stefan was the kid I saw at the beach BTW.

I really would never have thought that a southern town like Twinbrook would be as open to gays as it seems to be.  Not saying its a bad thing.

But you know, when it involves my roommate, Moonshine, my simself daughter Marissa, Skehrer’s simself, Edamame, Einstein and Stefan, Death, Dionysus, Alabaster, Gunther, Chevy’s only son, four no-name old people, two Bradens, two new townie girls…