Kissin’ Cousins

I really don’t know how to start off new chapters anymore.  A ranting banter?  What am I supposed to say?

HEY GUYS

NEW CHAPTER!!!

And after the next chapter or so, I’m putting up a heir poll!  Who’s excited?!  No?  Eh.

In the last chapter, Luanne finally died, and following her death, the ghosts came out and had a massive make out session in the kitchen to celebrate.

“We AREN’T making out!  I don’t even KNOW her!  She just came over and started sticking her mouth in mine!”

Wasn’t that your excuse last time, Goodwin?

TONIGHT AT SEVEN:

Remains of a corpse were found in the cemetary

No one is surprised

ONLY ON YOUR LOCAL REDNECK REPORT: NEWS FUR THE PEOPLE

After Jed caught his first mangled corpse deathfish, Timmy De Blew, the mummy-curse-sim-dispite-not-having-World-Adventures, decided that he was tired of this shit.

He hopped into his magic car and got the hell out of there.

He never came back.

“Yo Buck!  What’s happinin’, brother?  Yew luk… terr’ble.”

“Nothin’ much man, high five my dawg!”

“I just came here to tell yew our big sister died last night.  And ya know, with yew bein’ next to die and all…”

“Yeah I know.  I’m just waitin’ fur it now, since I haven’t achieved anythan’ in life an’ have been standin’ inna fire department bathroom my whole life.”

“Oh Trenton!  Ur Aunt Lu died last night!  Sob!”

“It’s gonna be ok dad.  I’m sorry to hear that, I voted for Aunt Lu too.”

“Sniff… yew know, yew have vury purdy eyes…”

“Ok dad, now you are just creepin’ me out…”

*sobs uncontrollably*

“Wut’s up Robert?  Wut’re plannin’ on repoin’ today?”

“Oh nothing important, just your liver”

The only thing in the corner that he could have taken was the picture or the radio and he took neither, which makes me think that the repo guy actually took something out of Dodge’s inventory.  Of course nothing appears to be missing, so chances are Dodge is missing an organ or something.

Hey, Repo Robert.  Wrong show.

“Elvis seems to be purdy far outta town to just be readin’ a book up in the hills like dat.”

Yeah well, he’s probably waiting for you to leave so he can finish burying the bodies.  I swear, Elvis seems to be doing the most inappropriate things in the most awkward places lately, I’ve noticed.  I can’t be the only one.

“Yew heer fur the party?”

“Y-yes I am!”

“Gud.  ‘Cuz, u’ll know wut’ll happen if yew didn’t come…”

How did you even make friends in school, Chevy?

So yes, it is Chevy’s birthday, which is good, the children were only taking up so much of my attention anyway.

Of course it’s not a party until someone gets into someone else, namely an underaged child.

HEY, hispanic repairman guy, you AREN’T here to stick your junk into the back of Harley’s head!  You are here to fix the radio, in the NEXT ROOM.

“I deedn’t see a broken radio!  But I will still take mi fifty dollars, and be on mi way!”

The most.  Useless. Repairman.  Ever.

And yet, he’s not the only one getting into children.

I guess I have taken quite a liking to Trenton.

“Um, Ms, uh, Legacy Woman?  I, um, am still in the 10th grade, c-can you back off a little bit?”

“This is why I don’t like my mom.”

Wow, Jed’s genetics were strong with this one, weren’t they?

Chevy gained the perceptive trait, which dispite being a trait that’s good for becoming an investigator or a private eye, I can see this going hand in hand with her kleptomania a little TOO well…

“So glad yew could come to ur cousin’s birthday party, Trenton.  I’m sorry it started out well, with that creepy brunette rubbin’ up inside yew like that.”

“Well, that’s cool and all dad.  But you think you could stop holdin’ my hand while we dance?  You are still bein’ really creepy urself.”

Could be weirder you know.

“HEY!  Get ur knee away from my balls!”

“Get ur balls away from my knee!”

Awkward teen years.  There’s nothing like it.

“Oh!  I’m gonna suck on this giant ass crawdaddy like thur’s no tomarruh!”

And I see where Dodge gets his awkwardness.

“Oooooh, I can’t believe I’m gonna get to make out with Ambur inna public bathroom!  This is gonna be so badass!”

“Ok, Dodge, I ‘greed to meet ya sumwhere and make out with yew in a place where our parents can’t find out, but thur’s no way in hell I’m makin’ out with yew in the boy’s bathroom at the park!  Do yew KNOW wut the local hookers do in there?!”

“Then how ’bout in the bushes next to the bathroom so no one will see us?”

“That sounds just fine!”

I don’t know, the last time I saw Adriane, she was standing in those bushes.  Just for the record.

“Hey Dodge.  What’cha doin’ with our cousin?”

“HMMMM.  I do believe they are holdin’ hands over there.”

Good eye there, Chevy.  I wouldn’t have noticed if you didn’t bring it to attention.

“Hey there, Jed’s sister thing!  Yew do know our kids are over there makin’ out in the bushes, right?”

Melissa, the rat.

“Sigh.  Yeah, I knew that.  I’m not happy with it, but wut can ya do ’bout it.  I just hope it’s sum kinda wierd teen phase or somethin’.”

“All I can say is don’t tell Jess ’bout it.  If he found out Ambur’ was still datin’ her cousin, well, his poor old heart would just give out!”

Oops, too late Ellie. I think he noticed.

“Jeramy?  Is that yew?  Dude, that’s the third time you’ve called me to talk, I told yew I wus spendin’ the day with my girl!  No, I don’t want to go cow tippin’ with yew right now man… dude, why are ya so needy?  Don’t yew have other friends?”

“That girl luks really familiar, like I know her from somewhere…”

I don’t know where you could know her, Ellie.  Maybe it’s because she’s your daughter.  Considering that you are still over at the park anyway with Melissa.  Do you HAVE to stalk me EVERYWHERE I go with my sims?!

“Hey Tamara… like wut’cha see baby?”

“Do you really have to flirt with me every time I try to use the toilet, Jared?”

By the way, Tamara moved to another house in town, completely leaving her son and her mother, who also moved into a house closer to town.  Tamara moved into the Art and Love household, despite the fact that Buddy and Gala lived in a suburb house, and Tamara is in a really small shack in the woods.

A little dissappointed about how she pretty much left her kid with her really old mom, but I can’t help but feel a little sad for Tamara.

“Sigh.  I’m kinda gettin’ tired of stealin’ the same old lawn furniture and left out huntin’ gear by these air headed suburbans.”

“…Hmmmm….”

“I don’t think that Ms.  Old-Widow-99-Day-Old is gonna be needin’ this car fur very long anyway.  I’m gonna go ahead and say I’m helpin’ this lady more than anythin!”

And so begins Chevy’s quest for stealing cars and sticking them in her pants pocket, or wherever sims put stolen cars, and probably hiding them under an abandoned bridge or something.

Back at the house:  SIGH.  I’ll have someone call hispanic repairman guy.

“Um, hello?  Yew?!  It’s seven thirty in the morning, how did yew even GIT this numbur?  Wut the… hang out with yew?  Dude, I barely KNOW ya, no I’m not…  Wut?  Dude, don’t cry, that’s not cool… ok, ok, if yew stop ur blubberin’ I’ll come see yew for 30 minutes.  Fuck.”

So, who called Chevy?!

“So, my hunch was RIGHT!  It was Jeramy that called me! And fur sum reason, there is pee all over the floor!”

Jeramy has become VERY needy lately.  He continuously calls the Secksie children, and has been the first one to be stupid enough to invite one of my sims to hang out.  I know there is a lack of sims lately, but son, you need to really make some more friends!

“Aw mah gaw, dis is so EXCITIN!  I’ve never had a friend come over and play with me!  This is the greatest day of my life!”

“Yeah, well, I’m only here for a few minutes, yew hur’ me?!  Better make it worth my while.”

“What?  There are two of them in the living room now?!  Did Sabrina give birth to another one, because we aren’t feeding this one too!”

“Eeeeh, I’m Jeramy, no one likes me because I still pee on the floor and sleep in the grill outside!”

“Do ya SEE why I hate these people I live with?”

Afterwards, Chevy stole a truck and a van from the parking lot of the stadium.  You would think places like that would have more security.

“Hey babe, um, I’m so sorry ur dad died yesterday while we were at the theater.  I really wish I could help yew, because I feel kinda like I should have helped wen it happened…”

You might could have helped by not making out with his daughter.

“It’s nawt ur fault Dodge.  We just came to see the place he died at.  It was, just so sudden, yew know?”

“Oh Dodge!  There’s nothin’ you can really do, just the fact that ur here with me is gud enough fur me.  Yew are the best boyfriend a girl could ever want, even if we are ‘of blood’.”

“Oh Ambur.  Yew have just completely stolen’ my heart as well, yew know that?”

“Yeah, and I’m tryin’ fur a lung to while I’m there.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s still just insanely creepy how they’re touchin’ on each other in public like this!”

Shut up Jared, you are kinda breaking the mood by gossiping like that while they are right there.

And um, you DO know she’s been broke for many many years now, because, you know, she’s dead.  In your backyard.

Jared, stop gossiping on dead people.  You aren’t really achieving anything.

Whatever.  Next chapter, Harley grows up, and there might be a poll coming up soon as well!

ALSO.  The heirs and Jared are available for download over at the exchange, if you want to play with them or kill them yourself, whatever floats your boat.