Two Day President

Time for another prettacy chapter?  Why the hell not.  And you know what I realized last chapter?  Nothing happened again.  Aging off was on again.  Sigh, I got to stop trying to play a Sunset game if I can’t remember to turn off that shit afterwards.

“Dammit Jed, shut that fucking fridge!  I’m makin’ damn pancakes!!”

“But I’m starvin’ NOW, woman!  Besides, yew don’t know how to make pancakes!”

“Now, cake, on the other hand, is always there fur me wenevur’ I need it in the fridge!”

“FINE.  Eat ur fuckin’ cake, get fatter fur all I care.  The rest of the family will eat my pancakes fur breakfast!”

“Wut tha’ hell, Jed’s wife?!  They’re burnt, no one in hell is gonna wanna eat them nasty things!”

“Well then, fuck all yall.  I’ll eat all my damn pancakes by myself!”

“Mmmm, dad’s old cake plate!  Why yes, I’ll lick it clean rather than eat maw’s cookin’!”

Lately, Lucy has been spending every night napping in Luanne’s bed.  It’s really pissing me off too, because it’s making her a worse ghost than Leroy ever dreamed of being.

Luanne can’t sleep, and that makes her miserable to go to work in the morning.  Her job is suffering.  She won’t reach her LTW because Lucy won’t go nap some where else.

I DON’T WANT YOU HERE LUCY, GO BACK TO YOUR GRAVE DAMMIT!

I tried to redecorate a little after staring at the same lame bathroom for a while, but about five minutes in, I got very pisssed off about Amy and Sinbad’s room pretty much being in my way.  So it just went from a boring, everyday bathroom, to a boring everyday bathroom with a make-over set.

In all actuality, this kinda looks like my grandmother’s bathroom, without the hole in the floor.

I tested it out, as if I really need to.

“How do you like this, Trenton?  I wore this in my first music vid’uh ’bout twenty years ago.”

“NOOOO!  I hate it dad!  I don’t want ur old 80’s jumpsuit!”

“But we were tourin’ with the Georgia Satellites at the time!  I got so much ass in that suit!”

“Mweheheheh.  They will never suspect the museum guard!”

Note to self.  Melissa is not allowed near priceless artifacts and art.  Ever.

Now that she has her own cruiser, she decided to chunk up the yard with another car.  Now where the hell is Jared supposed to park the Harley Beast?!

Speaking of cruisers:

“DODGE!  COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP”

“Wut the fuck now?!  I was just gettin’ some waffles that weren’t burnt!”

I had no idea you were even out of the house!

“Got cawght again, son?”

“Yeah maw, sorry.”

“Yeah, don’t care, later!”

“Um, thanks maw, fur… not carin’?”

“Melissa may not punish you the way she should, but I sure will!”

WHAT THE HELL, HE WAS JUST STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK FOR TWO MINUTES!

“Oh gawd, am I really in trouble now?”

“I wish you were!  I’d haul your lil’ jailbait ass to the big house and let you stew there for a long time!”

He was just STANDING ON THE FUCKING SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE!!

“What the fu- WHO’S THIS ASSHOLE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!!”

“Um, to be fair, ur drivin’ on the wrong side of the road…”

“SHUT IT BOY.  I’M STUFFING THIS MECHANIC IN THE CRUISER TOO!”

You might as well.  This new mechanic, Hector, is the worst repairman I have ever had in the history of living in Twinbrook.  This is the second time I’ve called his slack ass to come over and fix the tv.

“I’m sorry Senor, I don’t see a brroken tv.  I’ll take mi fifty dollars y get in de police man’s car, si?”

LIKE HELL YOU WILL, GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THERE AND FIX THE TV BEFORE YOU END UP MISSING MORE THAN ONE TOOTH

“Hey, Jerm’y.  Ur mama called, said ur curnrows gotta go.”

“But… she’s the one that helped me do them!”

“Oh wow!  I’m not as embarrassing anymore!  Thanks Dodge!  I look great!”

“Yeah well, when ya leave, don’t let my papa see yew.  He’ll tell you that yew should cut ur girly bangs.”

“Um… Dodge?  We are in a bathroom… near the toilet… where the hell…. did you get that…”

“HOLY FUCK THAT IS SO GROSS WHY DO I KEEP COMING HOME WITH YOU!?”

Luanne finally got a human friend, that wasn’t her coworker for once, so I thought that a little sleepover would be good for her and her new friend.  I took a nice little tour of the house, found some cute little rooms for children, a quaint and cozy kitchen.

A body in the attic.

“OH WAAAH!  The poor lady nevur had a CHANCE!”

“Aw, an’ that poor lady wus uglier than ME!”

Well said.

“Hey, um, Dominick clone, wut’s up with the dead woman in ur attic?”

“Um…. oh Luanne, you has such purdy eyes…”

“Yeah… I’m… gonna go home now…”

ITS OFFICAL

THE REPO MAN IS BROKEN

I HAVE PAID MY BILLS AND MADE SURE OF IT

AND THIS FUCKER STILL SHOWS UP

BLARGHLSAFJGWBUEOJFIDSXFJOG

“Yo bruh, w-where yew gonna point that gun dawg!?”

“Hehehehehe….”

“N-no man, dude, DON’T TAKE ME MAN”

“What’s your problem?  I just want the crappy microwave no one uses anyway.”

“Thank fuck… oh shit, I need to check my pants…”

He then proceeded to take two worthless children’s toys that are worth nothing probably with nothing better to do than to make the girls cry.

If they gave a damn.

“Hey babe!  Uh, I was wondrin’, yew haven’t told ur parents that we’re a couple now, have ya?”

“No, but uh, I think my dad just now figgured it out, yew know, bein’ right over there and all.”

“Wudda hell, Dodge?!  Amber is ur COUSIN!  Yew can’t go ’round datin’ blood, boy!  I can’t let yew do this.”

“But Uncle Jess!  Yew aren’t REALLY my uncle!  And I luv Amber!  I don’t understand what the fuckin’ problem is!”

“… Yew better be happy I’m such a passive man, boy.  ‘Cause you see that stand back there?!  Do ya KNOW where that battleaxe is?!”

“……….”

“That’s wut I thought.”

“But yew don’t seem to git it Uncle Jess!  I luv Amber, and we are ment to beOHGOD HE HAS ME INSIDE OF HIM!  AMBER!  SAVE ME UR DAD IS GONNA KILL ME!”

“Yew did NOT JUST GLITCH UP INSIDE OF ME BOY.  AMBER.  GET THE DOOR NOW.”

“OH GOD I’M GOIN’ DAD HURRY DODGE IS BEST YOU GO NOW”

“I don’t understand where I went wrong, dad!  I thought that it was gonna go so much better than that!”

“I don’t know yew, just eatin waffles heer”

YESSSSS

Jared is a Rock Star, FUCK YEAH

“Now watch as I take both my hands, and make one hand.”

Do whatever the fuck you want, you’re famous now.

So the next day, he held his only autograph signing. And as usual, a copy of Ellie and Jess are on the lot BECAUSE THEY STALK ME EVERYWHERE.

“Is this all that’s comin’ to the signin’?!”

I guess so Jared.  It’s a really dead sleepy town.

“But… but… this is TERRIBLE!  I’m a rock star fur fuck’s sake!  Where is everyone?!  Where is my fans? Where are the naked groupies?!  WAAAH!  I thought I was famous now!”

You are dear, and I’m sure you have more fans somewhere… like Russia maybe.

“AMG ur really signing my napkin, I luv ur music Mr. Secksie sir AAAAHH!”

“Thanks fur bein’ a fan, you little prick.” *crumples napkin*

…Jared’s got to get his evil high from somewhere I guess.

“It’s Jared of the Road Killers, let’s hold hands while we wait for him to sign our papers!”

“AMG LIEK TOTALLY”

“Weird tattoo guy, ur hand is WAY to close to my crotch back off plz kthxjared”

“Oh wow, I totally like your music and have all ur albums Mr. Secksie sir!  I wish I came out of ur scrot’ like my brother did!  Daniel is soooo lucky!”

“He he, well thanks *crumples paper* just be happy ur related to one of my kin, yew little mistake.”

You are so cruel, Jared.

“Wow!  Thanks Mr. Secksie!  It’s so nice to have somethin’ from a famous person!  Now I’m gonna go home and check to see how much this is worth on ebay, but I won’t sell it until it’s ’bout as old as I am!”

“Uh, I don’t even think ur gonna make it home, ma’am.”

Florence was then dragged fifty meters and horribly mutilated.  I don’t think Elvis took not getting an autograph from Jared very well.

“Pssst… hey kid… come here right quick… closer…. *looks around*… have you ever heard of this legendary fish… the Overly Happy Lake Monster?”

“Wut the hell old man?!  I don’t want any of ur street drug, back the fuck off!”

“Reina!  Um, weren’t ya just like… a teenager the other day or somethin’?!”

“Yes!  Why’d ya ask?”

Oh nothing… just wondering.

“So, if ten plus ten equals twenty, then twenty plus twenty is fourty!  This school stuff’s easy, honor roll heer I come!”

“So, if the Dykes are on vacation ’til next friday, an’ the Curious lady is only gonna check on their hawse on tu’sday and thursday, then wednesday night is the perfect time to ransack their stuff between 8 an’ 10!  Sweet!  Dyke house, heer I come!”

“FUCK!  MY 97 YEAR OLD SHOULDUR’ HAS BEEN OBLITUH’RATED!”

“DON’T THROW THE BALL SO HARD NEXT TIME LUCY YOU BITCH!”

*smack*

“SORRY!  Doesn’t mean yew needed tuh throw it back just as hard!  Damn!”

“It’s ’bout time a cop finally came to the house!  We called you three nights ago!”

Still sounds like a more reliable police force than the one around here, speaking from experience >:\

“Wut seems to be the problem ma’am?”

“Well the other night, we had a burglary!  It was here that all of our patio furniture was taken from the back porch!  It was a couch and two lawn chairs!  I have no idea who could have done it, but we found small footprints in the mud near the river’s edge heading back to town and we think it was some kids or something.  We just want something to be done about this!”

“Well, if your stuff was stolen, then wut’s dis stuff on ur porch?”

“Um, we bought new stuff to replace the stolen stuff.”

“I don’t think so!  I think ur stuff returned because it missed it’s hawse!  Maybe it wasn’t kids that ran off with ur stuff, but ur furniture just wanted to go fur a walk down the river.  I’m sure that’s the reason and there’s nothin’ to be worried ’bout, ma’am.”

“That’s… that’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Did you escape from a mental institution or something?  Are you stupid?”

“Ma’am.  Don’t call an officur’ stupid.”

“Dumb lil’ whore, bet she had something to do with her missin’ furniture.  Never could trust a prostitute anyway.”

Sooo, looking for stuff to frame them with?  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Melissa’s the bad cop.  Just saying.

“I’M FINALLY THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD!  I’M ON MY WAY TO THE WHITE HOUSE!”

YAY!  I never thought Luanne was going to live long enough to make it!

“Now all I got to do is pack, move my family, plan my inauguration speech…”

Oh Luanne.  You might as well not do all that.

“Wut?  Why?  WHY?  I’m finally pres’dent like I always wanted to be!”

Yeah well…

She died two nights later when I wasn’t even paying attention.

In Sinbad’s spot too BTW

The closest cutting lifetime wish achievement ever, she didn’t even get to go to work for the first time at the top of her career.  Saddness.

“Noooo!  Big sis!  Don’t leave me!  Who’s gonna take care of me now?!”

“NOO!  GRANDMA!  I barely knew yew!”

“ERRBODY OUT OF MY WAY!  I’M AN INVESTIGATUR!  IT WAS MURDER!”

It was not, Melissa.  She was almost a hundred years old.  It was only a matter of time.

At least pretend that you care, will you?!

“Oh sister!  I’ll carry you with me always!”  *proceeds to eat ghost*

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  CAN’T I COME HARVEST A GHOST AT THIS HOUSE WITHOUT ALL THE WEIRD SHIT?!”

I don’t know, Grim.  You don’t seem to be helping the case yourself, and killing yourself doesn’t help.

“It was muy enterrtaining, Chevy!  We should hang out sumtime, that was fun!”

“No that wasn’t you jerk!  That wus my grammy!  How can yew be so heartless?!”

“Well, es what you get for running over mi hermano two chapters ago!  Adios, jerkoffs!”

And so, we end this chapter with Jared celebrating after his sister’s death by retiring from being a rock star.

I have no fucking idea what Dodge is doing either.

“Congrats on finally realizin’ ur a burnt out guitarist, Jar’d!  Fur the record, Bigfoot and the Banjo band were WAY better than yall anyway.”

“… Thanks fur that support, Dodge.  I’ll remember that wen I’m kickin’ ur lil’ imbred offspran’ round the yard.”