The Overly Happy Lake Monster

“You.  You killed meeee.”

Oh, hi Sinbad!  I haven’t seen you in a while, and you took your time making your ghostly return.  You look good, you know, for someone who’s dead.

“Muurrrrderrrrrrerrrrrr.”

“What?  Poison?  I have no idea wut ur talkin’ ’bout, weird ghost man.”

“Um, dear, Sinbad didn’t mention anythin’ ’bout poison…”

“I know!  And I have no idea wut he’s talkin’ ’bout!”

“Hmmmm.  Sinbad needs a new opaque jacket….”

“Hey, it’s my son, Jared!”

“Yeah, that’s Jar’d alright.  He still lives here.”

“NO!  I do not accept this!  He’s no longer my son!”

What is your problem with your son now?!

“You just wait boy!  When you die, I’ll be waiting!”

Someone is angry for no good reason…

As usual.

OH GOD YOU ARE DEPRESSING ME

THAT’S IT, WE ARE GOING OUT AND DOING SOMETHING FOR ONCE WITH YOU.

“So boy, a y’ung man like yew knows a thang ‘r two ’bout pol’tics, don’t cha?  Wut do they teach yew in them skools these days?”

“Right now my Pol’tics class is goin’ over the other three biggest cities in the country right now, and how they’ve affected our economy as a whole.  Sunset, is our country’s capital, and it added new jobs and has hard workin’ people in their pol’tic field.  Then there’s Riverview, which is smaller than Sunset, but still a great asset to our country right now.  Their crime rate is low, and their families are hard workin’ fur the most part and have a well balanced society.  Then there’s that Bridgeport, which is probably the biggest city in the country right now.  Most of their money comes from tourism.  But for a city that big, it’s just full of a bunch of them liberals, they spend all their time partyin’ and clubbin’ and Lolas and Lady Googoos and Keeshas er wutever.  Ridiculous.  Buncha hippies and left wing zombies is all they are.  I made an A on that paper.”

“They teachin’ yew well, boy.”

“Say, yew old enough to vote, ain’t yew?  Yew know the electshun’s comin’ up, right?!  Remembur to vote fur ur old Aunt, will ya?  I gotta lot of plans to help run this country right, and I’m gonna need ur vote!”

“If yew vote fur me, I’ll bring more of them coffee cafes to Twinbrook!  I like coffee!  And it’ll open more jobs, and people’ll finally stop workin’ in the salon like everyone is frickin’ doin’ in this town!”

“Um, coffee shops, Aunt Lu?  I don’t think that’s a really good start fur a potential leader of the free world.  Besides.  I don’t even like coffee, it messes up my stomach.”

“WAAAT?!  That’s not possibul’!  All yung kids yew days consume that shit like M&Ms!  Now don’t go TELLIN’ me that yew don’t drink coffee!”

“But I ca-”

“STOP LYIN’ BOY”

“OK I’ll drink coffee!”

“Gud.  Now vote.”

That was the scariest inspirational speech I have ever seen.

Ooh, it’s been a while since I’ve seen a protest.

Apparently this one is about the Overly Happy Lake Monster.  Because nothing threatens a society like a smiling beanie baby from the water.

“Hey!  That monstur is dangerous!  It can’t live in this lake, it’ll kill us!  The governur’ needs’ta do somethin’ ’bout it!”

Um, you ARE the governer, Luanne.

“HEY!  That man ain’t got a sign!  And he’s blockin’ my way!  Luanne!  Get rid of this losur!”

“I’m on it.”

FATALITY

“Yeah!  That monster’s got to go!  I used to like the Overly Happy Lake Monster, but after it knocked my son into the lake and tried to eat him, City Hall has to do something with that beast!”

“Wait… Sabrina?  Didn’t YOU trip your son into the lake?”

“I think you got me mistaken with, eeeeh, Lucy or someone…”

“No, I don’t think so-”

“DOWN WITH THE OVERLY HAPPY LAKE MONSTER”

“Yeah, that monster has been terr’rizin’ the lake fur two long!  We can’t let that monstur goin’ round eatin’ our children…”

“OH NO, JED’S AT THE LAKE RIGHT NOW!”

“Hello thur fellow fishin’ lovers.  This is “Fishin’ wid’ Jed”.  Today, we are back at the lake, workin’ on catchin’ perfect fish.  As yew should know, Shark’s are prolly the hardest thing to catch perfect in this lake.  I donno why.  It’s wierd.”

“Hmm, yall smell that?  Smells like corn chips and rottin’ fish corpses.  Don’t worry though, when you are fishin’ that’s usually an ok sign.  I myself like to get good n’ stinky n’ roll ’round in the water.  It attracts sum catfish if yew reek just enough!”

“Ah, thur’s nothin’ like a crisp, clear night by the lake with a bucket of chicken livers, and the smell of Freetos comin’ from ur arm pits-”

“Jed?!  JED!”

“Um, ma?  Wut are yew doin’ here in the middle of the night?  I’m kinda shootin’ my show here right now ma!”

“Oh shut it, Jed.  The seven years yew’ve been doin’ ur lil’ show have I not once seen a camera.”

“Jed, yew aren’t allowed to go fishin’ by urself late at night!  Didn’t cha hear ’bout the Overly Happy Lake Monstur?!  It’s been eatin’ children, and I don’t think it’s safe fur yew to be fishin’ like this anymore.”

“A happy…. lake monstur?  Really?  In this lake?  Huh.  Yew would have thunk I would have caw’ght it already!”

“JED!  Ur missin’ the point!  I don’t need my lil’ son gettin’ eaten by sum Overly Happy Lake Monstur!  And then mah only son will be ded!  Then whose gonna help ur old and eldery agin’ mother, huh?  Nawt that crazy wife of urs, that’s fur sure!”

“Sigh.  Come on ma, let’s get in my van, I’ll drive yew home.”

“Hmm, this ain’t rust…”

Best you don’t ask Dodge.  It’s an age old mystery.

“Amber?  Is that yew?  Wut are yew doin’ in the dump yard this late at night?  Matter of fact, how come yew seem to be everywhere I am lately?”

“Well, first yew gotta understand, Dodge.  There ain’t that many people in Twinbrook anymore fur some reason.  I swear the story progresshun is broken.  Just like everything else in this game these days.  It’s the end of the world prolly.  And plus, my house is only a mile or two away from here, I’s just walkin’ the trash down heer.  Wut ’bout yew, why are yew heer?”

“I… I was uh… grabbin’ a snack.  Yeah.  Yew heard ’bout them scavenger hippie guys like the ones frum Aw’stralyuh’ that live on thrown out fud?  Yew know, it’s gud cause I’m helpin’ reducin’ waste!  Cause I’m just that gud of a person!  Yeah!”

“See?!  Lookit’ this… potato?  It’s still gud!”

“Oh Dodge, don’t put that in ur mouth!”

Just something about this says that isn’t safe.
“Hmm, that potato tasted like metal…”

*two hours of induced vomiting and violent convulsions later*

“I’m glad to see ur finally able to keep something down, Dodge!  I thought I was gonna have to call a hospital after you passed out like that after throwin’ up that chunk of glass!”

“Well, thanks fur makin’ me that bowl of cereal.  It was great, Amber.”

“Wait, what time is it?!”

“Um, two in the morning maybe?  I don’t really know… why?”

“Well… unlike yew townie guys, I’m kinda… watched…”

“DODGE LACKET SECKIE, COME OUT OF THAT SHACK WITH YOUR HANDS UP”

“How did yew even know where I was?!”

“How did YOU get to stink that bad, boy?!  Damn you stink!”

“My co-worker told me yew were out at the dump yard wid’ ur cousin?  Hah, I’m just surprised yew let them catch yew.  Would’a jumped in the river if I were yew, Dodge.”

“So… does this mean yew ain’t mad at me?”

“Nah, don’t yew worry ’bout all this.  I’ll get ur record “fixed” tomarra’ at work.  Kids’ll be kids.”

“Hehe, thanks mom!”

“No prob!  Just don’t tell ur dad.  He’ll shit a fish if he knew!”

“Does that bitch ever blink?”

“Mama told us nawt’ta stare at the bus drivers, Chevy.  Legend has it, if you stare into their eyes, yew will become one of them.”

“Now that’s terrifyin’.”

“Hey Dodge.  How come we’re the only ones on the bus?”

“We haven’t passed the trailer park yet.”

“So…….. how much?”

“DAMMIT JED, how many times do I have to tell yew?!  We are ur COUSINS!!

….

Ten bucks.”

I send him to the bookstore to buy some books, and I find him near the dumpsters with the hookers!  DAMMIT JED.  Do what I fucking told you to do DX

“I like hangin’ out with yew sis!  It’s so nice to hang out with a gud friend like yew, don’t cha think so too?!”

“I luv hangin’ out with yew, Chevy!  Even though half the time yew dissuhppear wen I ain’t lookin’…”

“Eh, don’t worry ’bout that right now.  Hey, our cousins are home, so why don’t yew go in thar and talk to them’r somethin’?  Introduce urself to the brown haired one, I don’t think you ever met Sandruh’ befur.”

“Hi there, I’m Harley!  We’re second cousins!  I live in the house next to the bridge near the hospital!”

“Yeah, I’ve been to your house before!  I heard that you recently got some new stuff and a few new rooms since I last saw it!  ‘Bout time too.  Your house really sucked.”

“Eeeh, we do with what we can without freezing up on buy mode.”

“Eh, I prefer my house better.  It’s cleaner, and we have much nicer stuff.”

“Heeey.  Weren’t there sum patio furniture out here earlier?”

“Nope, ur crazy, let’s go home now!”

The next morning, back at the house:

“Yeah Tamara!  You wouldn’t believe it!  I woke up this mornin and when I came into the kitchen, there was new shit everywhere!  I was thinkin’ the tooth fairy was makin’ up fur ignoring the time all my teeth got knocked out when Buck rammed my jaw into the old propane tank!  … Well then where do YOU think all this stuff came from, Miss Common Sense?!”

“Hey there Dodge!  Didn’t think I’d see you here, wut are the odds?!  Did you come here for the movie?”

“Um, Amber, this is the stadium, not a movie theater.”

“Yeah, but the big screen over the stadium is cheaper than going to that over-expensive theater.”

“But, that’s defeatin’ the purpose of going to a game… and that’s not true…”

“Hey Amber?  I’ve been wonderin’.  I always see yew, or ur mama and dad around town, but why are yew are always by urself, or wantin’ to hang out with me?”

“Aren’t you, uh, in a relationship or somethin’?  I mean, a girl like yew, shouldn’t yew be with ur boyfrin’?”

“Oh, I’m single.  Didn’t yew hear me last time?  There aren’t that many people left in town anymore!  There are literally two teenage guys in town right now!  Trust me, I’ve checked!  And besides, yew KNOW Jeramy.  He’s too needy!”

“Heh, that’s true, Jeramy really is a sissyboy…”

“Besides.  I really like hangin’ out with yew Dodge.  Like, a lot… More than yew really know.”

“I say, Amber, are yew comin’ on to me?”

“Hmm, what do YEW think, Dodge?”

But… you two are COUSINS, guys!

“Aw, well, technically, we aren’t cousins, isn’t that right, Amber?!  And besides, I’ve really liked yew fur a long time too… yew know wut, I don’t care, come here!”

Awww, first kiss

Wait

It’s so wrong

And yet it’s not really ._.

“Yew know wut?!  Screw all those stigmas that come with datin’ ur cousin!  Amber!  How ’bout yew become my girlfrin’?!”

“Oh Dodge!  I thought yew weren’t ever gonna ask!”

“DODGE LACKET SECKSIE!  STOP TUNGIN’ UR COUSIN AND HOP IN MY CRUISER”

Seriously, cop guy?!  Two nights in a row?!  Give Dodge a break!

“DODGE!  WAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YA, BOY?!”

“W-wut dad?!  I was just out five minutes after curfew!”

“NOT THAT BOY!  Offisur’ Procter called me when he found yew, told me yew were makin’ out with that Ambur’ girl!  She’s ur COUSIN, Dodge!  UR COUSIN!  DODGE!  Do yew KNOW wut the town is gonna say ’bout us Dodge!  More than USUAL!  And what will Jess and Ellie do wen they find out?!”

“Dad!  She’s not technically my cou-”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER DODGE!!  YEW-”

“Dodge?  Dodge.  Don’t fart while I’m tryina’ lectur’ yew, boy.”

Wow.  Long chapter was long.

SORRY

NOT REALLY

So here, have some Lucy pissing me off by getting on Luanne’s nerves.

“I can’t sleep wit’ her on my bed!  That’s my side of the bed!  I can’t sleep on Shark’s!  I’m exhausted!  Git rid of her!”