A Fish That Can’t Swim, Dies

For every chapter I upload is one less time a crash has failed to destroy my legacy.

Guess how many times the Sims has crashed on my computer since last chapter.  Just guess.

SEVEN FUCKING TIMES.  And TWO freezes.  I once again tried playing my Sunset town, only to get chased out by a frenzy of “rolling blackouts” on my screen and long frozen periods.

In the end, I just deleted my Sunset Valley (My purple mansion!!  And my Grim Reaper lovechild!  NOOOOO!)

So then, just for the hell of it, I moved my simself, along with my IRL roommates to Twinbrook, even though I’m not going to play them.  Just let them run their own lives.

Five minutes in, while visiting them with Jared, one of them farts and the other started insulting her for it.  I now live with two enemies.  Great.

Anyway, you aren’t here to hear me talk about my simself, you are here for the Seckies.  But before we start following them around, I want to point something out that’s illogical.

Ok, common sense.  Sinbad is older than Shark.  Shark was a teen when the game starts, Sinbad was a young adult.  Even when they were both moved into the Secksie house, Sinbad remained older than Shark for a while.  Ok, makes sense.

On day, I was playing with their biographies, and noticed that Sinbad was really young for an elder.  Way too young for me to be playing with him as long as I have been, even with the seven day time freeze.  Compared to the youngest elder in the house at the time, that was Shark, Sinbad was younger by 12 days.  Sinbad has not been near ambrosia or life fruit.

How the HELL is Sinbad still this young?! Why!?  I love you Sinbad, but at some point, you HAVE to die.  Seriously.

Watching Shark sleep at night shouldn’t help his youth either.

“Gross old dumbass.”

“Mmmm, take that Sinbad…. Shark won…. penguin sleddin’…zzzz….”

Ok, so now we are technically in generation three, as Jed grows up, and takes his place as heir to the legacy.  There is no way in hell I’m waiting for Berkliegh.

“Hey Jess!  Thanks fur makin’ it to my brother’s birthday!  This is just so aw’sum!”

“Well, I got fured’ from my tattoo job, an’ I thought, well, Ellie’s such’a great party thrower, that I needed’uh come!”

“That’s so sweet.  Hey, I was thinkin’, do you want to go out sometime?  You know, as boyfrien’ and girlfrien’ or somethin’?”

“You know wut, I sure will.”

“Hey old man.  Your gran’dawgter jus’ asked me on a date.  Is she one fine little filly’r wut?”

“My son and my granddaughter… no, just no.”

“Dammit Ellie, I try to be a nice grandpa to you and you go around and start messing with my son!”

“He’s not ur son, Sinbad, Jess is never gonna be Le-”

“HE’S GOING TO MAKE SOMETHING OF HIMSELF, YOU HEAR?! NOT BE SUCKED INTO A LEGACY FAMILY.”

“Maybe I shouldn’a come aftur all.”

Meanwhile, in the house, Jed finally blows out his freaking candles.  Way to not waste a lot of time here, Jed.

“But soft!  Wut light from yawnder window breaks!”

Birthday cake Jed, birthday cake!

Ah yes, he’s got his father’s features, a nice square jaw and not Leroy’s nose.  Jed is surely the winner over Ellie.  All five of his traits now are excitable and brave (I originally told you clumsy, but I got it wrong, sorry), good sense of humor, angler and loves the outdoors (makes total sense).

I even have his pretty little bride picked out and ready to go.  And of course, she needs a little work because she’s, you know.

insane

“RAWWWR Imma DOOR ninjuh!  RARBLERABULEBURALRARBUR I GOT YO ASS”

I think something in me a long time ago picked out Melissa.  And while she’s not the most beautiful sim I’ve seen, compared to the other women in town, she’s the best I got.

“Thanks gramma for fixin’ my life jacket.  After it expluded inna million little sparkles on the floor, I thought I was never gonna be abul’ to fix it again.”

“Sure whatever.  Just don’t strip down in the livin’ room when you are changin’ clothes again!”

“Now it’s off to finally woo the woman of my dreams now.  I wonder where she coulda run off’tuh…”

“OMG UR RADIO PLAYS CRAP MUSIC.  I FOUND DISHES!”

“Aww, you two look so CUTE tugether.  Yall should do somethin’ like date and be married.  You two would be so happy.”

“But…. he just slapped me!”

“You didn’t see it?  It was a slap outta’ love!  He completely has a thang fur you!”

“There you are my sweet!  Whatcha doin’ in here?”

“Ooooh, nooothin!”

“Psycho bitch.”

I set up a list of romantic interactions for Jed to do, and then checked on Jared, who was on a date with Tamara at the time.  Like is he ever going to be at any birthday parties?  Yeah right.

While watching Mr. Up-and-coming-country-music-star woo his baby mama to the soft light of a streetpost and the music of a crippling old Gala Ball, I switched back over to Jed right quick for a checkup.

I zoomed in just in time to see the knives of betrayal quickly fade away over his head and hit pause.

What did Shark do this time?!

Little did I know, it wasn’t Shark…

“-like flowers or something.  Flowers are really romantic.”

“Shark knew it!  Shark KNEW IT!”

“What did Shark know?!  Oh… dammit Shark, this isn’t what it looks like!!!”

Sinbad flirted with his own granddaughter.  Admittedly, it was his step granddaughter, but creepypasta nonetheless.

Everyone stopped what they were doing at the time, which at that time was virtually nothing but stand in the kitchen, and ran into the bathroom to watch this train wreck commence.  Sinbad on the other hand, ran out through the bedroom door, and promptly turned around to take a nap on his bed.

OF COURSE here the game crashes, and the last save was JUST prior to the flirt, so technically he didn’t do it.  Still when I came back to the game, everyone was pissed at him anyway, flirt or no flirt, which leads me to think that he may have flirted with Ellie a SECOND time, right before me catching him that time.  The world may never know.

After Sinbad was done with his nap, he woke up to an insanely pissed off wife.

“What the FUCK, Sinbad!  Shark told me everything!  He saw you do it!  Why the HELL WOULD YOU FLIRT WITH YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER?!”

“WHAT?!  You are really going to LISTEN TO THAT DUMBASS?!  Shark walked in at a bad time, I could have been talk about Ellie flirting with my son for all he knows!  Not even the player knew what the fuck I was talking about, she was out floating around in the sky at the time!  Don’t accuse me of that shit, Amy!”

“ACCUSE YOU OF NOT DOING THAT?!  SINBAD, THE MEMORY IS THERE, WE ALL KNOW IT HAPPENED, DON’T FLAT OUT LIE AND TELL ME YOU DIDN’T DO THAT!”

“DON’T FUCKING CALL ME A LIAR WOMAN!”

“OR WHAT?!  YOU AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT, SINBAD!”

“Ok ok.  I’m sorry.  I don’t really know what happened back there in the bathroom, but if I did flirt with Ellie, I’m sorry.”

“Ur…….. wut?”

“I guess I couldn’t help it, I’m a flirty old man, and it was probably just an impulse statement.  I don’t want to hurt you.  Can you forgive me?”

“…… Fine.  I forgive you.  I’m just too tired to be fightin’ about shit like this.”

“Oh, thank you Amy!  You are such a great wife!”

“Wait, wait, just like, don’t touch me for a couple days, ok?  I’m still a little sore about the subject.”

“That’s… that’s perfectly fine babe.  How about tomarrow, after I get off of work, we will go for a date, just me and you, and we’ll build our relationship back up to where it was before.”

“Ok, I would like that.”

Despite the forgiveness, Sinbad slept on the couch that night.  He may be a heartless asshole, but he’s never treated Amy poorly before.  Sinbad didn’t want to run it into the ground anymore than it was already at at this point with Amy.

Ellie went straight to her room after the whole bathroom fiasco.  And where was Melissa, the one that called the whole flirting idea out in the first place?!

“Ooh, I’m gettin’ laid tonight!”

Technically, she couldn’t have had anything to do with Ellie and Sinbad’s little “conversation”.  But I like to blame her anyway

JUST BECAUSE SHE WAS THERE

ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THIS, MELISSA?

After the young couple’s first woohoo, at least Jed’s, Melissa then proceeded to watch him sleep.  All.  Night.  Long.

“He just looks so peaceful…”

Can you get any more insanely creepy!?

“Mmm, the ceilin’ might look ten times better with vegetables painted on them.”

I guess you can.

The next morning, Berkliegh proceeded to crash my computer no less than three times on her own with her birthday, which despite her growing up to be gorgeous, made me dislike her even more.  She grew up with the clumsy/artistic/neurotic/I don’t even fucking know anymore trait.

Note that she has a bed sitting outside in the corner of the screen.  She’s just so unimportant to me that I didn’t even bother building her a room.

“Dad, I was thinking about movin’ out and living with Jess, and givin’ Berkliegh my old room.  I know what you are thinkin’, about what you thought you saw with me and Sinbad in the bathroom, but I don’t have a thing with grammpa.  I love Jes-”

“Shark’s daughter is a homewrecker.”

“…Why did I try?”

So I sent her on a date around town with Jess, because the sooner she finds her mate and is out of the house, the faster Melissa can move in and take her spot.

“Why don’t you just move Jared into my house, to you know, help take care of his son?”

Because Jared is my favorite, you can’t have him yet, Tamara.

Back at the house, Jared was skilling, Jed was washing clothes, Shark was probably out at the bar, and the house was busy freezing my game.

Sinbad went out to clear his head at the pool.  This way he was giving Amy some time to herself so she could cool down.  Besides, I think he enjoys freaking people out.

“AAAHHH!  Sinbad is evil!  Stay away from my baby!”

Tamara, why the hell are you persistent on ruining all my photos today with your stupid self?!

“…My evil senses are going off.  Something is terribly wrong, even more than usual.”

“What’s going on?  I laid down for a nap, and, I’m floating?  Oh, oh no…”

“…I’m sorry Sinbad…”

“Please Mistur Death sur’!  Give me one more day!  Sinbad and I was gonna work on our relationship tonight and I just need a a few more makeovers for my final promotion!  PLEASE!  I’M ALMOST A FASHIONISTA!”

“Nope.  You have had WAY longer than you needed to for that.  Time to go now.”

“Oh NO Gramma!  Who’s gonna change me into a new n’ improved makeover now?!”

“Um, a mirror and a dresser?”

“OH NO DEATH!  PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME!  I’M TOO INNOCENT AND PRETTY!”

*faint*

“…”

“HAHA!  You guys are still runnin’ on Windows ’95!  That’s so weak!  And look at this!  DIAL UP!  What a bunch of LOSERS!!  HAHAHA!”

“Don’t you have some burnt corpses to pick up?”

“Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me!  If I don’t keep up with the fire department, we’d be overrun with dead people, wouldn’t we?”

So Amy is dead now (about time). I completely flaked out with her near the end of her career, sorry Amy.  Died with 50k lifetime happiness, not counting the 30k spent on a body sculptor in the garage out back.  She was my co-founder and I miss her already.

“Oh Jess!  I suddenly got a memory fur a death!  My grandmother’s dead!  Oh sob!”

“It’s ok babe,  I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Listen. I wanna ask you something.  I know that with ur gramma gone and ur little incident with Sinbad in the bathroom… I want to ask… how ’bout you leave all that behind and run away with me?”

“Oh Jess!  I would LOVE to run away with you!  Let’s go right now!”

So that’s that.  Ellie Mae moved out with Jess, and they walked away from the front of the old 50-esque restaurant (I like to call it the Waffle House whenever I see it) and never looked back.

“Fucking Shark.  Told my wife that I was flirting with my granddaughter, and then she died without me making it up to her.  It’s… it’s all his fault.  Yeah.  That bastard is the reason she’s dead now.”

“You know she’s sitting right behind Shark at the table right?  Ellie and Jess crashed the game, so-”

“Shut the hell up Shark, I’m talking here.  If only it wasn’t my dear wife that died and was him instead.”

“Hmm.  Shark dead.  That gives me an interesting idea.”

“Um, you do know that Shark is still standing right here, right Sinbad?  Sinbad?”

So after Amy died, AGAIN, Sinbad carried out his evil plot of revenge.

“Heh heh.  This is my most evil plan to date.”

“Shark is here.  What did Sinbad want to call Shark out this late at night for anyway?”

“Look Shark!  To show that I don’t mean hard feelings towards you whatsoever, I dug us a pool in the backyard.”

“Shark doesn’t think this is a pool.  Looks like uh dirty hole in the ground to Shark.  And isn’t… isn’t this where all the hawse’s waste goes?!  That’s gross Sinbad!”

“No, trust me, it’s a pool!  I haven’t put up the pretty blue pool walls up yet, and yeah, that’s mud and stuff.  But go on ahead, try it out.  The water is fine.”

“Well, Shark does like swimmin’ and all.  It is a little invitin’.  Sure, why not.”

“Hmm, this water tastes a little funny.  Like crap.  Does this water taste funny to you, Sinbad?”

“Sinbad?  What’s goin’ on?  Where did this wall come from?”

“I’m puttin’ a wall up, can’t you tell from the wall placement tool and the ground grid?  It’s just gonna’ keep you from getting out of the pool while you slowly drown.  You backstabbing bastard.”

“Heheheh.  Pool.  That was a good one, if I do say so myself.  I knew the Cask of Amontillado was my favorite story for a reason.”

So Sinbad left for work, and left Shark all alone in the hole.

“Heh.  T-that was funny Sinbad.  Now I think it’s time for Shark to get out now.  Sinbad?  Sinbad??

Sinbad?”

“Sinbad!  SHARK IS SERIOUS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SINBAD, LET ME OUT!

SINBAD!”

“OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT, GET OUT OF MY WAY SKILL BAR!  I’M DROWININ’!  I’M DROWININ!!”

“BBUBBUBBB… at least… I’m… still skillin’…”

“What the fu-why the hell was this guy swimming in a cesspool?  This is so gross.”

I took the walls down right quick to watch the scene unfold.  I’m so nosey.

“Shark Racket Secksie!  Get out of that cesspool now!”

“Nuh-uh!  Shark doesn’t wanna!”

Note that no one came to watch Shark die.  Everyone jumped out of what they were doing each time that Amy died, but when Shark died this time, they still stood around, in the kitchen of course, and didn’t notice him gone at all.  Just shows you how much even my sims cared.

“Uuughk, that is so gross.  Someone really needs to cover up that sewage hole.”

And so I did with a steel cover.

“Oh Shark.  How could I have known you would drown.  This is terrible.”

“Oh wait.  No it’s not.”

So Sinbad finally feels at piece with drowning one of his mortal enemies.  Maybe a little guilty, but he got a kick out of watching Shark be miserable in his last seconds.

And with that, we end this chapter.  Next time, Melissa moves in and has BABIES (I hope, no more crashes, PLEASE D: )  Luanne might finally realize that Shark didn’t come back from the bar, and Berkliegh still does nothing!  Until next time!