Fires and Babies

It’s that time again?  It’s that time again!!

I pretty much spent most of my weekend playing sims, because after driving five or so hours to a hotel only to get turned around because we were all under aged leaves you with very few options.  Thankfully my friend’s friends let us crash at their place for the weekend and thankfully I brought my sims 3 disc just in case.  But like you give a damn about my weekend, y’all are just here for the SECKSIES!! 8D I know I am!

Not much happened in the last chapter, since it crashed and I lost about three hours worth of shit, so let’s start this again.  We decided on Shark to be Luanne’s new hubby, now it’s all about tricking the commitment challenged block head to fall in love with Luanne.

“Why does it all have to be about Luanne, huh?!  I want love too!  Waaah!  Why can’t I find love for mahself!?”

Jared, dear, you are only seven!

“But that doesn’t mean anything!  My classmate’s parents let her fall in love, and they even let her keep the baby!”

…….. Anyway…….

“I know you don’t luv me right now, Shark, you don’t even want to be mah boyfriend!  But I was thinkin’, that since we’re such good friends, how ’bout you move in wit’ me and my family, and we will take care of you, and you never have to see Lolly again!”

“You know what, Shark thinks that’s not a half bad idea!  Shark would love to leave Shark’s fancy two story plantation manor…”

“And move into your broken double wide!”

“Don’t worry about the hawse right now, Shark!  As soon as you give us all ur’ money, we will improve jus’ fur you!”

And Luanne kept her word, and they did.

Well, kinda.

Hey, it’s still better than the trailer.  I kinda modeled it after one of my mom’s old boyfriend’s house, because I remember that place being the most backwater house I had ever seen in my life.

It even has trash all over the yard, just like it was all over my childhood.  I can still smell the cigarettes and old wood.

However, the Seckie’s house is still not finished because there is a puddle in the way, that NOBODY in the house can mop up, or even try to get near, so I have to wait until it dries up a bit at a time…

Which took fucking days 😡

Until then, the house wasn’t finished, so the bathroom and the toilet had to be moved into a double-wide outhouse, which no one in the household liked at all.

They constantly stood outside the outhouse and bitched about it for two days, like it was on uneven ground or something.

As for bedrooms, only Sinbad and Amy had their own room.  Jared and Lucy slept in the living room, and Shark and Luanne were forced to sleep together in the kitchen.  Not that they had a problem with it.

I’d also like to mention that when Shark moved in, he was just at the beginning of his adult cycle, which I found strange, considering that he should be more or less than five or so days younger than Amy.

“So, Shark, you ready to do it?”

“Shark do what?”

“Woohoo silly!  What else?”

“Uuuuuh….”

My friend saw this shot and I thought she was going to cry from laughing so hard.  Oh Luanne.  Keep them together while I’m in the room plz.

“I’m so proud of mah daw’dur gettin’ it on like donkey kawng!  She’s made the family proud!”

Dammit Leroy, you peeping freak!  GO AWAY ALREADY!

But Shark and Luanne woohooed…

And woohooed…

And woohooed some more.

And no jingle ever sounded.  After about the seventh woohoo, I was beginning to worry about them never getting pregnant.  The house isn’t full, Luanne and Shark are both young enough to have children, so what was giving?!

“Ewwww, why does the kitchen smell like sex and steamed tomatoes?”

“You don’t wanna know, Granny Lucy.  You don’t wanna know.”

Back at Shark’s old house:

“Dammit, what kind of stylist are you?!  I asked for two everyday outfits, two formal outfits, two bathing suits, new shoes, a new hairdo, a different hair color, and three athletic outfits!  All you gave me was two everyday outfits, two formal outfits, two bathing suits, new shoes, a new hairdo, a different hair color, and TWO athletic outfits!  This is UNACCEPTABLE!  Get off my lawn!”

“Suriously lady, fuck you and the entire Racket family!”

“I’ve been standing outside the bathroom for five hours!  But I blame Leroy!  Because he doesn’t want to woohoo me, I will join the ghosthunters, come back to the house after I get promoted high enough, and I will come back and KILL him!  Then the bathroom will be all MINE!!  BWA HA HA!”

Bitch bitch bitch, yes the bathroom is still broken, and it’s not Leroy’s fault for once.

But the puddle finally dried up, so the house was completed, and the rest of the rooms were built, including an oversized bathroom to avoid future whining.

“Now that we have our own room, you thinkin’ wut I’m thinkin’?”

“A pool table?”

“No silly, sum celebratory sexy time!  Woohoo!”

And so they celebrated their new room with some lovin’.

“Mmhmm, I know what he’s thinkin’!  He got sum!  A’durrr!”

“Shark really, really, really has to pee!  Can Shark get up and go use the bathroom now?!”

No!  Not until you knock her up!  Now pants off, mister!

“Heheheheh.  I feel like making someone miserable today!  I wonder who it should be!  Should it be ma?  How ’bout Luanne?  Even that dumbass Buck will do!”

How about you stop being stupid and go to school already!

“I don’t wanna!  The school bully gives wedgies to losers like me : (”

“And there you go Jen…oh… I never had that, liek, happen before.”

“Oh lawd, she looks terrible!  Even worse than that time we found her under the porch at four in the mawnin’ after she got back from the tequila bar!”

“And then that bitch Lolly thought that she had the right to criticize me and my work!  Me!  After all the shit and lag I went through to give her her damn outfit!  I totally hate the Rackets and everything they stand for!”

“Hun’ after the work you have done for me, I’m thinkin’ she may have had the right to criticize you.”

If you think that the Seckies are having it bad right now, let me take a second to talk about the Jones-William-Brown-Whateverthehell family.  Since Buck married Florence and moved in with her, I can now see their family tree and I’m guessing that recently, Renee died, but she didn’t die alone.  She had a kid by Lincoln here, and apparently the baby, Miranda, died as well.

The whole time that Amy spent over at her friend’s house, Jenni spent every waking second flirting with her step-father and trying to get down his pants.  At some point or another much earlier in the game, I watched them make out with each other in town, so I’m guessing that they were together before Lincoln hooked up with Renee.  Why and how he knocked up his then girlfriend’s mother I don’t know.

THIS FAMILY SCARES ME D:

“KNOCK ME UP TOO SHARK”

“SHARK CAN’T THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO FUNCTION”

“Dammit, why is the fire alarm so loud?”

Why the hell did someone leave the stove on!?

“OH LAWD NO!  Fire!  I’m relivin’ my death all ova’ again!”

“OH LAWD NO!  That MICROWAVE!  It’s so DISGUSTING and GRIMY!”

“Dad, hurry!  Put out the fire before it kills us all!”

“I’m tryin’ son, I’m tryin’!”

“No you ain’t!  You keep spraying ME!  STOP THAT!”

“Heeheehee, I’m spraying you…”

“Don’t aim it at me and Granny Lucy, dad!  Aim it at the fire!  THE FIRE!”

“I AM!”

“NO YOU AIN’T!”

“My work here is done.”

“But now we gonna starve!  And the stove is busted!  And no body died!  That wasn’t fun at all!”

“Not my problem.”

“FUCK!  I’m LATE again!  They are gonna take my rank away from me again if I mess up anymore!!”

“Yeah, you really do suck, don’t you lady?”

But I think that the excitement over the fire kick started Luanne’s ovaries into working, because she became pregnant soon after the fire was put out!  It’s offically generation three on the way!  Still doesn’t explain why there was no jingle though.

Her father celebrated by going down on…

the ground under the floorboards o__o

“Yes!  I’m finally gonna be a mother!  I’m a strong willed woman, so look out world, here I come!”

“Meh meh, I’m Luanne, my dumbass boyfriend knocked me up and I now think that gives me the right to think that I’m smart and strong, meh meh, considering his jobless, slack ass isn’t gonna pay for child support by the time the bastard is born!”

“SHUT THE HELL UP!”

Speaking of the ‘proud’ father.

I’m really starting to hate him.  And not just because he doesn’t want to officially go out with Luanne either.

First off, he wants to have 20 friends as his life time wish.  So he spends most of the time on his cellphone talking to random women he met at the bar, and when he isn’t doing that, he’s bitching about how he can’t get to his phone, or do anything as a matter of fact, because something is blocking his way.

“Dammit!  Shark can’t reach into Shark’s pants and get Shark’s phone!  There is a laundry line in Shark’s way!”

“Dammit, what the hell, the living room isn’t any better for Shark!  Shark can’t even turn around and go eat in the kitchen!”

I had no idea the washing machines could break here D8<

Then make yourself fucking useful Shark, and fix that!

“OW!  That HURT Shark!  Shark in alot of pain!  Shark lose brain smartness now!”

YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT DX<

“Goodwin!  Long time no see, buddy!  You’ve gotten…

Old D:”

“Yeah, old age hit me kind of hard.  Thanks for helping me find my old outfit though.  I thought I was going to be stuck wearing green forever!”

“But why are you so old and Sinbad ain’t?  I thought you two were, liek , the same age and stuff!”

VERY GOOD QUESTION, Amy.  Why is Goodwin about dead and Sinbad still about 15 days away from Elder?  I thought they were relatively the same age and stuff.

MY THEORY is that when he moved in (along with Shark) the life stage restarted at the beginning of it or something.  I guess that if that’s the case, it’s has very good advantages, even if I find it a little bothersome to me, considering that I wasn’t thinking that I would be playing with Sinbad that long at this ‘time’ in his life.

Not that I don’t mind though! :3

“Hmmm, the stove is on!  Hey everyone!  Are we havin’ barbuh que tonight?”

D:  Not again!  Who turned on the stove again!?

“Nooo, not again!  Amy dear, put it out!  Hurry!”

“I’m tryin’, don’t yell at me!”

“Hey guys, where’s the broken item in questio-HOLY SHIT”

“Mmmm, dis taste jus’ like marshmellows!”

“This ain’t the time to eat da fire exten’quisur fluff Amy, PUT IT OUT!”

“Fuck.  I missed the fire again, didn’t I?”

“You bet your slow stupid ass you did.”

“Oh mah gaw, I can make the newspaper float!  I has telekuh’nesus!”

No, you just broke my porch >:\  stop that.

“Shark can’t get to Shark’s cell phone again!  This ghost guy is in Shark’s way!  Shark thinks that the ghost stole Shark’s phone because Shark can’t use it!”

For fuck’s sake, Shark, STOP BREAKING ON ME!

AND WHO KEEPS LEAVING THE STOVE ON?!

“MOOOM!!  NOOOOOO!”

“MOM!  GET OUT OF THE FIRE!  HURRY!”

“HOLY HELL!  GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY ARMPIT LUANNE!”

“Hahaha!  Ohmahgaw guys!  Check it out!  I actually made it to the fire this time!  I can’t believe it!  This is a first for me!”

“Good, then do something about it!”

“Nah, I think you got it under control.  Just remember to not light any more fires on this lot and you will be safe.  Laters!”

“YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!”

“BITCH GET BACK HERE AND HELP ME PUT OUT THIS FIRE!”

A new low for Twinbrook’s fire department.  I hope she burns.

No one died, the stove was replaced, and the next morning, Jared had his little birthday party.

“Finally, I get some love!  I’m not the loser I thought I was after all!”

“Hmmm, wut?  Where’d all this water come from?  Did Shark bite a hole in the water bed again?

“What?!  No, I’m in labur!  Not today, not on Jar’d’s burthday!”

“Shark! Get in here and help me!  I’m having the baby!

Shark?!”

And he’s at the bar getting drunk >:I

“Shark isn’t drunk at the bar!  Shark is drunk at the GYM!  Get it right!”

Fuck where you are drinking, your girlfriend love interest is in labor!  Hospital now!

“Don’t worry Jared!  I’m still here for you!  Yay for you my little buddy!  Happy birthday!”

“Thanks Granny Lucy.  I’m glad someone cares for my birthday, even if it’s the person who hates kids and doesn’t really like it when I’m around.”

And so he grew up to look like-

Wait no, the GAME CRASHED ON ME AGAIN, this time taking my DESKTOP BACKGROUND with it

But I saved at the last fire

TAKE TWO:

“Oh Jared!  Happy birthday!  You are so

Short D:”

“Jeez, takes a lot mom.”

He got the artistic trait.  Yay painting and guitars!

Meanwhile, at the same time down town, Luanne gave birth to little Ellie Mae, named after Elly May from the Beverly Hillbillies (only later did I find out how it was correctly spelled but how was I supposed to know how they spelled it!?  I had no internets!  It’s spelled like my grandmother’s name though, so big deal)

Ellie Mae is clumsy and artistic ok, I don’t remember what she is now that the game crashed and she had to be rebirthed, but it’s stuck in my head that that is what she is.  I don’t know right now, sorry.

“Hey, Luanne, Shark’s sorry Shark missed the birth of Shark’s first child, but you know… all that Jack Daniels…”

“Don’t talk to me right now, Shark…”

“Hmm, Shark is really making Luanne miserable.  I guess I should be happy that she’s upset, but still…”

“RAAAHARGARAROARAGYOUAREATERRIBLEFATHER”

“HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT”

“Dammit Sinbad.  That was mean!  You scared Shark shitless!”

“Hey, you had it coming.  Only I’M allowed to make Luanne’s life a living hell.”

Aw Sinbad!  I guess that’s nice of you?

“Yay, I’m totally done with the first of the second generation portraits!! : D”

What the hell is that, Amy?  That’s the worst painting I have ever seen in the game, and portraits in the sims 3 suck as it is!

“Well I kept messing up on her face, because, well, you know, so I kept gessoing over it with black.”

I’m not pleased at all 😡

Meanwhile, Lucy is back to being insane and contradictory to her personality.

“I love you little baby! I really do!  I love taking care of babies and cleaning up after them, you are so adorable!”

Old age must be really getting to her.

“GAH!  I HATE that stupid boyfriend of Luanne’s!  Probably even more than Luanne!  I work all night only to come back and find him bitching about something, or doing what he’s doing now, flirting with hookers at the bar!  This is CRAP!  I spent all my life taking care of my only son, and what does he do?!  Dump his kid on us!”

“Yeah, you tell’em dad!”

“Jared, go put pants on when you are around the table.”

Jared said no and promptly ran outside to light a fire in his underwear.

There is something about this family and playing with fires while in the nude.

“So dad, what are you going to do about Luanne and Jared?”

“Well, I can’t do anything about Luanne, with her being your mother’s bratty daughter and all and whatever.  But Shark is a real douche.  Not wanting to even be seen in public with his baby mama and that crap.  Even I’m not that evil.  Hmmm, I wonder if I can get away with murder….”

Probably not.  With him working and Luanne needing an heir or whatever, Sinbad will probably get old and die before Shark anyway.

BUT WE SHALL SEE, next time on the Southern Prettacy!

“You know what, Lucy?  I really don’t want to be a father at all.”

“WHAT?!  That’s not right, since Ellie Mae is a wonderful baby!  But I think you are a cool person anyway for that.”

._.