A couple of days into their stay on Isla Paradiso, Wren and her family were settling in nicely. Wren tended to chase off all of Raven’s customers at the No Seasons resort, while Merlot and Syrah were trying to get along out on the boat house. Wulfric was determined to get some fishing in, much to the dislike of his daughter Chianti, who was stuck babysitting him in the meanwhile.
Chianti: “So I left him on the beach and went to teach myself to surf. I know I’m already 100 times better than my slacker idiot brother.”
This is true, as Merlot won’t stay on a windsurf board to save his life.
Marlon, Raven’s lifeguard hubbie, tends to spend his time on empty beaches, awaiting anyone who wanders into the water after eating a hoagie five minutes earlier.
Christopher: “CJ PARKER PLEASE SAVE ME”
Marlon: “Just stand up, sir! The water is only knee deep in this bay! Sir, just… oh just wait then, I’m coming in.”
Christopher: “You’re not Pamela Anderson.”
Marlon: “Don’t you have a wife and two children?!”
Christopher: “You saved me from drowning in the kiddie pool and I walked onto this beach by myself, but I think I sucked in too much water with my lungs and you have to suck the water out with your mouth, k thx”
Marlon: “This isn’t what Lifeguard School prepared me for…”
Raven: “Wren, what do you think of our resort right now? What do you think we can do to make it a little better?”
Wren: “Clean up a bit. Add some cool shit. These sand burrs are about to kill me.”
Raven: “Do you think you and your magic can help me out around here a little bit?”
Wren: “Mmmm. Fine.”
Wren: “There. I summoned a swimming pool. Now you have to support your end of the deal and take care of it and hire new workers to do so.”
Raven: “This is really nice, I do thank you for it. But let’s see… what else can we do to make this place more appealing?”
Raven: “I’ve been thinking Darin Dick. Your uniform is cool and all around here, but I’m making wardrobe changes.”
Darin Dick: “What kind of changes ma’am? Oh, and I prefer to just be called Darin. You really don’t have to say my whole name…”
Darin Dick: “Ma’am?! This isn’t what I was hired for!”
Raven: “Nonsense, you were hired to bring in customers, and this is going to drive them in in droves! People love rabbits, Darin Dick! Aw, don’t pout at me like that, everyone working here has to wear this too!”
Martin: “Did you know I went to an Ivy league school? Sigh, I was going to be a physics engineer.”
Wren: “Well, you certainly broke the physics, that’s for sure.”
Raven: “-And when she gets out to check, man door hand hook car door.”
Darin Dick: “I think I should really be back inside working, Mrs. Sw0rd.”
Raven: “You came out here on your own, really who’s fault is that, Darin Dick.”
Meanwhile, Merlot, who had decided to go snorkeling all day instead of hanging with his cousin, realized that it was getting late, and he was getting cold. So he put his regular clothes back on, and apparently continued to do the snorkel.
Merlot: “Glub”
Syrah: “Bra, there you are! Come on, it’s gettin’ late and we need to seek shelter back at the boathouse. The fuzz is gonna start skimmin the ocean for kids breaking curfew, and they use harpoons…”
Merlot: “Sigh, I suppose I have to…”
Syrah: “Yeah you have to! Have you ever been hit by one of them things?! Come here, look at my leg, I’ll show you a scar…”
Merlot: “Syrah, I do have to thank you for taking me out here today. Well, not for the windsurfing thing. That’s pretty silly considering there’s no waves out here, or wind…”
Syrah: “What are physics”
Merlot: “But I did enjoy the snorkeling. There’s just something about the ocean that I really like. Is there any way you can take me scuba diving tomorrow?”
Syrah: “I don’t, uh, really like scuba divin’, bra. I like the wind in my hair, the feel of the waves under my feet, not fish shit in my mouth, yanno…”
Merlot: “Aw come on. I think it’ll be nice. Aren’t you supposed to show me around and help me do things here in these islands? I’d like to see the coral reefs, check out underwater caves, and meet a mermaid!”
Syrah: *Vomits*
Merlot: “OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE! My dream isn’t THAT disturbing!”
Merlot’s father had a hard time touring through the town. Given any time when no one would watch his every move, he’d pull his fishing rod out of his butt and go to town.
Wulfric: “Wow, Masao really did have tadpoles. This is the largest damn frog I’ve ever hooked in the eye…”
Frog: “Hello my baby hello my honey hello my ragtime gal”
Wren preferred the resort after all she ended up doing for it, and didn’t bother staying the nights at her sister’s house.
Wren: “I did a damn good job on this swimming pool, why would I go to that straw hut my sister calls a house!”
Raven: “…I’m sitting right here you know.”
Merlot: “-Remember, to breath in through your mouth and keep your neck up, or you’ll get water in your snorkel. I realized that after about 25 minutes of drowning through mine.”
Syrah: “Yeah, and I look like a dork doing this. If one more person stops by in a boat because I look like an oversized drowning butterfly, I’m gonna knock you in the head.”
So Merlot convinced Syrah to take him out on a scuba tour the following morning.
Raven: “You know, we’ve had these rooms forever, but I’ve never bothered to see what’s inside of them. Let’s see what my customers get to deal with!”
Raven: “Nice. A piece of paper for a pillow, and a false door painted on the back wall. I see nothing wrong with this at all!”
No wonder there are no guests.
Marlon: “Well, I think there’s something in this room that could make it a little more spicy… me and you, Rave ;)”
Wren: “What, NO. My sister is in the next room overDON’T COME INTO MY ROOM WITH THAT… “THING” OUT, OMG RAVEN”
And with that, Raven and Marlon had even less customers than they did before… something like negative 3.
Wulfric: “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE THIS THING, THIS IS TORTURE, I CAN’T FEEL MY SOLES”
Marlon: “Oh just get out of my way! Let me show you how a pro does it, Wulfric!”
Marlon: “See? Completely pro.”
Wulfric: “Dumbass, you turned the thing off.”
Syrah: “And we call this the Floatin’ Rock, because the water’s so glassy that it looks like you can steer your ride right under the mountain! Haha! Don’t actually do it though, this is dad’s boat.”
Merlot: “Oops”
Syrah: “DUDE, I TOLD YOU DON’T TRY TO DRIVE UNDER THE MOUNTAIN, HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO PLOW THREE FEET INTO THE SAND?!”
Merlot: “Excuse me, lady! My cousin’s taking me to a diving spot he knows, and I just want to get there as quick as possible.”
Woman: “You estúpido, boy”
*Plows right through the foundation*
Merlot: “IT’S AN EMERGENCY”
Woman: “HEY LOCO, MI CASA AIN’T THE WALKING TRAIL”
Syrah: “Yo bra, all you had to do was follow me up on the sidewalk”
Merlot: “JUST GET ME A CHISEL AND HAMMER BEFORE THIS WOMAN CALLS THE COPS”
Syrah: “Before we do this, why do you even want to meet a mermaid, Mer? They’re just smelly fish people that totally give surfer’s hard raps ‘n stuff.”
Merlot: “Because… I think it would be cool to learn more about them, maybe even become one, you see. My mother’s a witch, and my little sister’s a budding witch, and being the normal one in the family kinda sucks. Not counting dad. Anyway, you wouldn’t know since you’re a fairy and all…”
Syrah: “I’m gonna run out of air and drown here while you’re dronin’ dude. Just get your gear on and let’s go.”
Syrah: “Now don’t get too far away from me, bra. It’s easy to get sucked up in some wack current, and I’m not chasin’ after your fish chasin’ ass.”
Merlot: “Woowwww…..”
Merlot: “This is AMAZING, Syrah! Look at all of this!”
Syrah: “Yeah, it’s pretty pretty down here I suppose.”
Merlot: “It’s so colorful! I could get used to this, Syrah! All the life down here is so exhilarating!”
Merlot: “Look! Upside down, backwards swimming fish!”
Syrah: “Yeah I wouldn’t touch them if I were you-”
Merlot: “And, aw, a shark eating sand, how cute.”
Syrah: “Yeah, uh, DEFINITELY don’t touch that.”
Merlot: “What? What happened? Why did you make us go back up?!”
Syrah: “You HAD to go near the dirt eating shark, didn’t you?! You don’t go near a shark, bra! Now come on, it’s late, let’s go back to the boat that you BEACHED, and go home for the day.”
Merlot: “AWWW. Fine.”
Merlot: “Come on, I think the boat was on this island in this direction.”
Syrah: “Yeah it is… wait, DON’T”
Syrah and Merlot called it a night, however, on the other side of town, Wulfric snapped his line on a parking meter while fishing in town. He got a fine. Upset, he went to a large in-town resort just because they had a sushi bar.
Chianti: “There you are, dad. I saw the van parked outside, and mom’s mad because you’re here and not at the No Seasons.”
Wulfric: “Oh yeah, I forgot your mother could read minds. Well, maybe if my brother’s resort had a sushi bar, we wouldn’t have this problem.”
Chianti: “You’ll have to take it up with mom. Can I get a bite to eat while I’m here though?”
Wulfric: “Sorry, I don’t think so. I don’t think it matters that you’re my kid or not, you aren’t signed into the hotel so they won’t let you. And you can’t sign in yourself, because you’re just a kid so…”
Chianti: “So… you can’t sign me in yourself dad? WOW cool thanks, I’m sure mom’s gonna love to hear that.”
Chianti: “It’s ok, I used to be able to spawn apples, back during testing, when I was actually older, and actually a boy when we were home in Starlight. So good news, I won’t starve to death.”
Wulfric: “Wow, a heated pool and everything! A shame, all these joys the resort won’t let you experience, Chi.”
Wulfric: “You have to do this for me, please lady! She’s my daughter, I mean, is there anything I can do?”
Lobbyist: “It’s out of our hands, sir, she didn’t come in with you so no she can’t do anything. Here, to make up for any confusion we’ve given you, have some brochures about hidden islands that we keep up here for stupid tourists, I MEAN, adventure seekers.”
Chianti: “They won’t even let me touch their food bar. I just wanted a veggie roll, you know, is that too hard to ask.”
Wulfric: “Chianti! New plan, we are going island hunting! Let’s go!”
Chianti: “Wait, what?”
Wulfric: “Let’s go! We are going to find our own island, where we can do whatever we want on it! We don’t need this resort, when we have our own resources now!”
Chianti: “It would be a lot easier if you remember that we have our own resort, dad. Dad??”
Chianti: “WOW, he drove off and left me, what a father.”
Wulfric: “Please, Wise Woman of the Hill. Tell me all you know about the mysterious Island in the Mist.”
Margarita: “How did you get into my house?! It’s four in the morning, I’ve called the cops and they are already here!”
Meanwhile, at the resort:
Marlon: “Should you really be playing in sand outside of the 3-in-1 bathroom?! That’s nasty, Wren! It’s leaking for shit’s sake.”
Raven: “The resort is going swimmingly, I feel we are going to get a customer any day now. But what can we do to really make this place stand out from the hunky junk resorts in town…”
And so Wren did some touch ups and landscaping on the parameter. The No Seasons got it’s very own balanced rock tower, a behemoth of 7-ton boulders stacked precariously four stories high! Surely that’s safe.
Raven: “I thank you, Wren, for helping me spoof up the place! I knew inviting you this year was going to save the family resort! Now you can go home now :D”
Wren: “What??”
Darin Dick: “This really isn’t in my job description. I really should have taken that offer up with La Coasta Verde. I hear they only have to wear a shirt and shorts for their job…”
Wren: “Just stop your belly aching and start working on the west wall. We’re building a fort unlike anyone has ever seen!”
Darin Dick: “Heeey, what do you know!? This is actually really fun!”
This is the face of a man who has temporarily forgot suffering.
But the fruits of their efforts payed off, and soon, they got a few customers to stay at the No Seasons!
Wren: “Maybe I should have taken off my stockings before running across this thing! Fire is creeping up my legs!”
Wulfric: “Alright, I’ve done everything Margarita told me to do, and the science building kinda made fun of me. They told me to go walk on some hot coals.”
Chianti: “Well I guess that means they’re telling you to get lost, dad. Come on, we can just take you fishing at a mountain stream or somethi-”
Wulfric: “No, it means that I have to go walk on hot coals! It’s to prove that I am tough enough to find the mystery island! That’s the only thing it could possibly mean!”
Chianti: “Dad, you seriously aren’t going to hurt yourself for an island map, are you?!”
Wulfric: “I’m not going to hurt myself, Chi! There’s a science to this and it’s going to keep me perfectly safe.”
Wulfric: “See? Not a challenge at all anymore since I did this yesterday morning!”
Chianti: “Yeah, you really learned from Uncle Marlon. Learned how to turn the coals down, that is.”
Wulfric: “Yep, I survived the coals and I’m back! So do I get that map now? … What’s that? You want me to fight a shark now? Well… I suppose if I have no choice then I have no choice.”
Chianti: “DAD”
Merlot: “Do you see any mermaids yet, Syrah?”
Syrah: “Shark! SHARK!”
Merlot: “That Racket guy? He’s a mermaid now?”
Syrah: *Makes magical fairy pee all over himself* “Actually it’s just regular pee, I just hope the shark doesn’t smell the fear in it…”
Merlot: “Hey, a cave! I bet there are tons of mermaids hanging out here!”
*POP*
Merlot: “WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?! Why did we reset on the beach?!”
Valerie: “The question is why did everyone reset on the beach? Even this mermaid got booted from the water.”
Syrah: “Wait! This dude’s a mermaid?! Where’s his fins?! He don’t have any scales!”
Merlot: “Obviously you need to be educated, ma’am. That’s a vampire if I’ve ever saw one.”
Triton: “Nope, I’m the king of the sea, King Triton King, at your service! I’m the leader of this town’s band of mermaids!! *Skinny little skin-legs being all… people legs FUCKING A*
Merlot: “You make one stupid looking fish man, but the pleasure is all mine, Mr. King!”
Triton: “Thank… you.”
Syrah: “Haha, he’s the dumbest looking mermaid I’ve ever seen!”
Valerie: “That’s very unkind, young man.”
Syrah: “And he’s so little! What do you see in this poser anyway, baby?!”
Triton: “Hey! The water is just cold! Tell him, Valerie!”
Valerie: “I’m not getting into this.”
NEXT TIME: Will Triton return to the sea as the majestic man-fish or is he just some vampire poser in swim trucks? Are all my mermaids like this? Will Wulfric have to go through fighting a shark or will he realize that the science facility is just making excuses to get rid of him? Find out next time on TOTAL DRAMA ISLAN-on wait.
The Southern Prettacy 
Yep, unfortunately, for whatever reason, the mersims don’t show their scales anymore. Which is bizarre, because they used to. Must’ve been a recent patch or something. I forget what.
As for the whole “glitching back to the surface”, thaaaat’s gonna happen a lot. Just wait for your Sims to depressurize, then dive back down and try again. It’s been a while since I played extensively in Isla Paradiso (because the aforementioned lag ticked me off), though, so you might have to work with it.
I realize it happens a lot when there is a sim about to explore a cave for the first time. After that first time, it doesn’t do it again. I don’t like that I have to “pop the cave’s cherry” and reset everytime just to actually get it to work afterwards, but I will take it over a crash, that’s for sure.
Hilarous! I want the underwater pack now!