Tom Barton’s: Dim Shades – A Supernatural Tale Part I

Alright then, Supernatural has been out for a month already, but with October coming around the corner freaking here, holloween creeping up, and almost fresh off the heels of the past EP expansion, I think it’s time for another EP playthrough with everyone’s favorite family in the world, the Kardashians!

But since the Kardashians couldn’t be here for our playthrough, seeing as I can’t afford the diamond studded and NBA player-filled celebrity suite they demanded to stay in during the shooting, we have to use the back up Rotter and Ferne family.

Here is our main star of the show, and hostess for this playthrough, Raven Ferne.  She will narrate this, as I am lazy and want to go make a cheeseburger.

“Is the camera rolling, Eider?”

“The fuck if I know.”

“Hello, and if you are just tuning in, welcome to my show.  I haven’t come up with a name yet, but it will probably be something like Raven’s Grand Prime Time Tonight, or, Raven’s Bandstand Hour, or, Raven and Raven’s… Raven…ness.  Are you sure you’re even getting this on film?!”

“I think the cap is still on.”

“Dammit Eider.”

“This is my twin sister and BFF 5ever Wren.  She loves balloons, unicorns, and skanky Harry Potter fanfics.  Matter of fact, she’s an aspiring magic people-person as well!”

“Dammit Raven, I already asked you once to get that damn camera out of my face.  Can’t you see I’m practicing magic here?”

Raven: “We started a normal life, as single cells in our parent’s, Youtube Ferne and Priscilla Singh’s, genitalia, and became to be after an awkward threesome involving Uncle Azazel.”

Azazel: “My body is ready.”

Wren: “…I don’t think that’s something you should bring up on camera, sis.”

Raven: “Trust me, the audience will love the saucyness.”

We loved our Great Uncle Azy.  He was an awesome magician of course, the best in town.  He would always show us tricks and do magic for us, which Wren absolutely adored most of all.  I liked his magic tricks, of course, but they just weren’t for me, like they were for my sister.

What I did love though, were his flower tricks.  I love flowers.  He may have inspired Wren to want to dive into the world of JK Rowling and magic, but he inspired me and my love of nature.

Of course, we didn’t have our beloved uncle around for many years.  

When our Aunt Kerrie was still pregnant with our cousin, Eider, she and Aunt Jesse attempted to repair a stereo, only for our Aunt Jesse to meet an untimely death of electrocution.

Needless to say, our Uncle Azy was devastated over the death of his late wife.

“WOO!  Single again ladies!  Check it out: bachelor status in the house!”

AHEM.  I SAID ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED ABOUT THE DEATH OF HIS LATE WIFE.

“…Oh yeah!  OH NOO, BOO HOO!  NOT MY JESSE, MY FLOWER, MY SWEET BABY, MY LIFE”

“Oh save it, you cow.”

After the traumatic loss of her friend and aunt-in-law, Aunt Kerrie’s water broke over the corpse of Aunt Jesse, and thus Eider was brought into this world.

“DAMMIT WOMAN!  My wife recently died!  I just wanted to sit and watch some football on ESPN, not watch a live filming of A Baby Story on TLC!”

Heartbroken over the loss of his beloved, Uncle Azy left the manor in search of his next adventure and meaning in life.  We haven’t seen him or heard from him since.

Eider grew up into a fine kid I suppose, if you call his mother’s constant sheltering of him fine.  She’s been coddling him ever since the incident.  

Oh, and all of his father’s I-released-Monty-in-your-bed-again-to-laugh-at-your-screaming games.  Uncle Facebook… well, Aunt Kerrie had him neutered recently because of all that.

Either way, Eider was kinda scared of everything, and had a weak constitution for things that frightened him.  

Fast forward six years since the death and me and Wren just started high school.  I followed my passion for flowers and my family let me turn half of the lounge room into my own little greenhouse.  I love keeping an indoor garden and my two best friends, Eddie and Herman, are the best mutant plants a girl can ask for.

The other half of the room is Wren’s little magic station, where she kinda bypassed Azy’s little magic tricks and went full blown wiccan on us.

“Ok Raven!  Watch this now, I seriously think I got the spell down right to set these flowers aflame!”

“Set them on fire and I’ll set YOU on fire, Wren.”

Needless to say, she’s not a good witch.  She’s not even a witch really.  Just a girl with a fancy stick she got off Amazon.

“:(“

Our story begins during the summer months, school wasn’t in, and we kept mostly to ourselves in our little room.  I was letting Eider play catch with Eddie when our mothers came in.  They both had these devious grins on their faces, usually gotten when they had a plan to get us out of the house for alone time with our fathers.

“Kids, me and your Aunt Kerrie have been thinking that you have been spending way too much time in this room of yours.  You are wasting your summer once again in this old stuffy room, you know that right?  We decided that it would be best to send you two and your cousin Eider away on a fun trip for a month!  What do you think about that idea, girls?”

“Um.  No.  I pass.”

“As much as we love the idea to be sent away, mother, I think we’ll prefer to stay here if you don’t mind.”

“Oh nonsense, it will be fun!  You’ll love it!  Of course we were planning on sending you to stay with your Great Uncle Stan in the lovely town of Gravity Falls… but it fell out of our budget to send you all the way there.  Instead, you will go to the closer, cheaper, town of Moonlight Falls, to a mysterious man we found on Craig’s List that would agree to board you for cheap!  Now doesn’t that sound exciting?!”

“MOM!  Please tell me Aunt Priscilla’s kidding!”

“Oh Eider, it’s going to be fiiiine.  You should go out and see the countryside a bit.  It will probably be good for you, son.  That and your father isn’t giving me any spending money until I learn to let you go places without tagging along too, so go pack your bags.”

And that is how we ended up dumped off in a quiet Washington town by a sketch taxi that had a license plate that said FRESH and had dice in the mirror.

“Are you sure this is the right place, Wren?  I told you to use the map and stop trying to magically guess our path with your magic thinking skills.”

“It’s called divination, and I think I got the right place this time!”

“Don’t worry Raven, the taxi driver had a GPS.”

“I don’t think the place looks half bad though, Raven!  Mysterious and almost magical if you ask me.  I swear if they have a black cat here, I will lose my freaking mind!”

“Well if they DON’T have wifi, I’m going to walk my unhappy ass all the way back to Starlight Shores.”

Beatrice: “Um, guys, any reason we are getting kicked out of our own house?”

Belinda: “Not sure, but hey, check it out!  I can balance an egg in top of my head!  Neat, huh?”

Bianca: “I’m sorry guys, my slutty school girl outfit wasn’t enough to keep us on our own property… next time I’ll try nudity to keep us in our house!”

Raven: “Eider, don’t get too close to them, I’ll call the cops later.”

“Actually guys, I’m kinda excited for this.  It could be an adventure!  Maybe this guy is an ex world traveler with many stories to tell us, or a cool undercover celebrity, or a reknown botanist, or-”

“Hmmm.  You aren’t the pizza guy.  Or the DnD fantasy strippers I hired.  So I guess you must be the kids I ordered off the internet… right?  …Please tell me you aren’t the strippers.”

“How excited are you now, Raven?”

“Ugh…”

“So… who are you exactly?”

“Of course, I should have introduced myself!  My name’s Barnabas Collins, not of Dark Shadows fame I assure you!  So no autographys for you, bwahaha!”

“I’ll be sure of that.”

“You seem… very strange, Mr. Collins.  Your eyes are haunting and your teeth are… scary. You aren’t a vampire, are you?”

“Ah, why that’s a strange thing to insinuate!  Of course you aren’t the first person to ask me that!  Ah my childhood.  Ah, the torches and pitchforks… why don’t you come in and we will get better acquainted over some tea.”

“Didn’t answer my question, but ok.”

“So I’m Raven, that there is my sister Wren, and this is our cousin Eider.  I promise we won’t get in your way, if you don’t get in ours, and this month long visit will go by quick and painlessly, I promise.”

“Why I don’t mind you guys here at all!  I love the company!  And kids are absolutely a delight in my opinion!  I think we will have a blast together!”

“One thing though, there has to be a garden here.  If there isn’t one, then I’m going to make one.  If you won’t let me, I’m leaving.  That’s MY only condition.  I think Wren’s is that she needs a place to put her alchemy table, and Eider’s is that this place has to have a level 5 security system.”

“Oh well, sure, we have a garden out back, our attic already has an old witch corner I never mess with that she’s welcome to, and trust me, we don’t need a security system around here with the live-in maid that I have.”

“Master Barnabas, I think we are out of clean bedsheets.  Seriously.  Whatever the hell you are doing to that poor bed, you got to stop.  I can’t keep burning the sheets after four measly uses.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!”

“Eider, watch your language.”

“Kids, this is Bonehilda, my live-in mai-”

“AHHHHHKLGAJIEGOAHGAF SHIT”

“Jeez cousin.  It’s just a skeleton woman, no need to be so rude in front of her.”

“Ah, he’ll be fine.  Once he comes around to Bonehilda, she’s actually quite a cool lady.  She’s a good cleaner, cook, and makes for an interesting game of strip poker.”

“I… will try to remember that.”

“I’ll have to tell you though, don’t touch the Grim Reaper.  He tends to hang out here a lot and… gets a bone up for Bonehilda if you get my meaning.”

“Say baby, how ’bout you and me later tonight, a candlelight walk through an old folk’s home and a dinner by house fire later?  I think that’s gonna be a romantic night on the town if you ask me!”

“Death, look, I’m sorry but I told you no already.  I’m working full time and just don’t have time for a love life right now.”

“That’s not what you said during our first date!  Don’t you remember the winery? :(”

“Dude, I got alcohol poisoning that night and it, and YOU, killed me!  Move on, Death!”

“I’ll admit, even though you creep me out, and this house smells like must and old people, this might be kinda fun!  It’s almost a magical place, and reminds me so much of an uncle I used to know!”

“An uncle?”

“Yeah, my uncle Azy used to make magical flowers for me and my sister!  This place kind of reminds me of him, so maybe this was a good idea to come here after all!”

“I’m serious Master Barnabas about the sheets!  It’s really starting to go stale up there!  Master Barnabas, please!”

“EVERYONE HOLD THEIR FREAKING HORSES.  There is a broomstick here.  A BROOMSTICK!  OH MY SWEET LILITH I’m going on a joyride.”

And so Wren did, and finally got a taste of what it was like to be an actual witch.

Of course, she did get hit by a car not five minutes after she left on that thing.

Oh.

We still haven’t heard back from their lawyers yet either.

“GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH BONE LADY WANTS TO EAT ME”

It took some time to coax Eider back in the house.  I swear he ran around the yard, urine trailing behind him for a good three hours.

“What a lovely little club!  I may be underaged, but may I have a virgin witch’s brew special?”

“…Oh.  That’s right.  Still no bartenders.”

One of the only things from Late Night that I don’t have so far that I would like.  Ah well.

“You may have impressed my cousins and got them to like you, but I know what you are, you monster!  I can see through your thin little veil of deceit!  You are a vampire, a bloodsucking monster!  And I will be damned before you lay a hand on me or my cousins!”

“Ok fine, so I’m a vampire.  I promise though, I’m not going to hurt you!  I don’t prey on kids or anything, so you are safe with me!  It’s not like I volunteered to care for you for your blood, I promise!  We’re cool, little guy!”

“WE AREN’T COOL!  YOU ARE A MONSTER AND IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME OR MY COUSINS IN A TASTY WAY I’LL STAKE YOU! DON’T THINK I CAN’T DO IT!”

“Eeeh!  Mean, aren’t you? :(”

It took me no time to get reintroduced into a quaint little cabbage patch in Barnabas’ back yard.  Actually it did.  It took a lot of time.  Ever try to stick a peashooter and cowplant in a suitcase and then have to struggle to get them back out of it?  It takes some work.

“Sooo… Bonehilda.  I was thinking, later on, we could catch a romantic movie?  I got two tickets for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I hear it’s to die for.”

“Grim look, you’re great and all, but I’m busy tonight.  Also considering I’m getting loaded as we speak, so I won’t probably be sober enough for a flick later on.  Sorry.”

“Hmm.  What’s that little twirp doing now?”

“Hehe, yay!  Candy!”

Apparently Eider had a thing where he liked to put brightly colored treats in his mouth.  Who knew a 6 year old would do that.

“Oh.  …WHO PEED ON MY CLEANLY MOPPED FLOOR?!”

“Uh, Bonehilda?  Don’t you remember that you don’t have a stomach?  Or skin?  Or even a Ziploc bag to catch anything you try to drink?”

“Oh yeah.  Yay, I can’t enjoy the finer things in [after]life!”

“Woo, I’m going to get laid tonight!”

“Go away, Death.”

“Sis, I have a problem, I think it’s those mushrooms I ate a dozen of.  They didn’t taste very sweet…”

“Go dance around a fairy house, and feel the magic healing power of the universe making you better.  I promise you will be feeling good by tomorrow!”

“Please Wren!  I need some actual medicine!”

“Fine!  Seeing as that nausea potion I made that I dropped on you earlier probably didn’t aid you in any way either, I need to go pick up some ingredients for some more experiments anyway.”

“GAAAHHH!  MY COUSIN IS GOING TO KILL ME!  I NEED A REAL DOCTOR!”

“Jeez kid, can’t you trust me and my magic healing abilities?  Have some faith in me!”

Barnabas drove them to the local potions shop, but I decided to go check out the rest of town.  I saw that Moonlight Falls had an arboretum, so of course I had to check that out!

“Pfffpfffpfffgag”

Instantly I was chocked on some ivy in the doorway and swallowed a black widow.  After the poison control specialist deemed that I was going to be fine, I checked out the plants… and searched for some fairies.

“Oh my, they have a TARDIS here too!  This store really has everything!”

“Well hello, tall, busty, and blood type O.  Oh how I have been waiting for you…”

We quickly learned that while Barnabas wouldn’t hunt us, he had a creeper tendency to spy on women behind doors.

Also, he was terrible when it came to watching kids.

“Hey Wren.  Your cousin is playing in the TARDIS thing, I think.  Ok?  Yeah.  Oh Booooobiiiiieeees…..”

“Enchanté, Great and powerful Fairy Queen!”

“Fairy Queen?!  Bitch, I’m a cashier, you think if I was the Queen… oh let me guess, you’ve been eating the mushrooms out of the discount rack, haven’t you?!  Damn kids.”

“Oh SHIT!  Wren!  You’re cousin went somewhere in the TARDIS!  Dammit, I’m sorry, I was too busy, I think.  Ugh.  Breasts.”

“I may have defecated myself a little.  Ok, maybe a lot.”

“Hey, LOOK AT THAT!”

“Look at what?  Oh hey!  Well what do you know.  That is a bright-as-hell yellow door.  Damn.”

“Actually, you know what, I like that door.  That is a cool door.”

“Bleeeh boobs…”

“Thank you, good sir, for showing me that wonderful door.  That door is my new friend and I owe our friendship to you-”

“BLEH!  BITCH YOU MOVED, I MISSED YOUR BOOBS!”

“GASP!  Mr. Door!  Did you hear that!  This vile monster is after my breasts!”

“Hiss, bleh, come to me, fair tits.  For blood isn’t the only thing I want to suck tonight.”

Barnabas.  You fail.  You fail forever.  Go home.

Of course, then I found the bees…

“Oh how I’m going to regret this in three seconds.”

“Yes!  Delicious and nutritious green honey!  It will go great on my multicolored toast recipe for breakfast tomorrow!”

“Hmmm…. I sense a disturbance in the force.”

That disturbance was Bailey Swain.

Bailey.  Swain.

Really EA.  Really?!  I know you are all die-hard Twitards, but on my computer?  Hell EA, you seem to be pushing Stephanie Meyers harder in my face than my aunt, and she taped the darn book to my door.

“Hi, I’m new in town, and I’m kinda unsure about moving here from the big city, but dad got me a truck and it’s cool and everyone at school likes me lots and we can try to be friends I guess.”

“Don’t you have to go get hit by a vehicle or something?  Please.  Go away.”

“And then… and THEN… he called me a… m-m-MONSTER!”

“Why are you letting a 6 year old get to you, man?  And technically, he’s right, right?”

“ABUBUBUBUSOB”

“Ok, uh, just… just go eat some mushrooms out of the discount rack.  That’ll make you feel better.”

“Oh NO!  It’s a house made out of CANDY!  There’s a witch here, and this is how I die!”

“Oh THERE you are Eider!  I thought your frantic capslock-ridden texts to me was a cry for help so I came looking for you!  Oh neat!  Is this one of those puppet show huts!  I loved that one from the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Mmm.  Gypsies are cool.”

“I think it’s a monster in there, Raven!  A monster that eats KIDS!  And I got scared, and panicked and-”

“You went inside.  And left me out here.  Alone again.  I defecated some more I think.”

“Stay away from penguins?  I spent almost $700 for THAT message?!  Well then… better avoid Antarctica from now on at all costs I suppose.”

“Hah!  I will finally fulfill my dream and finally learn real magic from this magic witching potion!  Ok so I found it at the potion shop and got ripped off, but I will fulfill my dream, dammit!”

“And finally… the moment I have been waiting for!  I will now… set something on fire!”

*Magic fart noise*

“Dammit!  Now I’m out of magic power!  Damn.  When the crap does that refill again?  By harvesting the souls of beautiful children, right?  Well crap.  Off to the playground I guess.”

Meanwhile, this bitch:

“GETTING CRUNK”

Ok, moving on:

“Listen Death.  I’m starving, and since I ruined my chance with chicks last night, I still got to eat.  You’re my buddy, right?  My friend?  The mooch that won’t move out of my place!  Mind if you loan me some delicious plasma to satiate myself, bud?”

“Uh… sure?  I mean, good luck even trying to find a vein on me, dude.”

“Trust me, I can try to find something.”

*Frantically chews on leather cloak*

“Dude.  DUDE!  Go easy on the coat man!  It’s genuine apocalypse warhorse leather!”

“Hey, I actually did something besides get wasted!  Awesome for me!”

“YEP, NO SCHOOL FOR ME TODAY, NO LONGER IMPORTANT”

“I am the best maid in the world!  I’m smart!  I’m diligent!  I’m strong and powerf-”

“Oh damn.  That’s right.  No muscles.”

“HAHA oh man, I did that.”

“BONE BITCH IS STILL OUT HERE RAIOGHAKLRJKAOF *another lap around the house*”

“…Well shit.  Now I can’t move.  Halp?!”

“That… that is a problem right there!”

“FUCK SCHOOL, TOO SCARED, FUCK SCHOOL, TOO SCARED, FUCK SCHOOL, TOO SCARED”

I think she was doing it on purpose to scare Eider, but eventually, Bonehilda had to be rebooted.

“Eider!  Behold!  I finally conjured up the cure for your mushroom sickness!  Actually no, I found this at the store too because I can’t make potions for crap.  Hold still, I’m about to fling this crap all over you!”

“But I’m no longer sick!  That was days ago!  Wren!  OW!  YOU SLUNG IT DOWN ON MY FOOT!  FUCK!  THAT SHIT HURTS!  I THINK IT’S BROKEN!”

“Boy don’t cuss, you’re too young for that.”

“I don’t feel right now.  What the hell did you do to me?!”

“Hmmm, must have misread the label.  I didn’t fix your already cured mushroom sickness, that’s for sure.  Don’t, uh, look in a mirror any time soon or something, ok?”

And that is how Wren ruined Eider’s summer.  Ok guys, I’m running out of film in my camera, anyone want to ruin to the store for me and try to find some more in their small shops?

“DAMMIT RAVEN TURN THAT CAMERA OFF, I MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM HERE”

***

Alright, so that’s it for now!  Next chapter, more Supernatural stuff, and then I don’t know. I still didn’t get to make a cheeseburger.