A Gift From Sam To Bear

First off, I would just like to thank everyone that sent their condolences and sympathies last little update, I read every single one and want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  My readers are wonderful, awesome, and you all smell fabulous.

This past month has been pretty hard, and still is sometimes, but I’m still functionable, I’m still playing games, and about to try to start posting regularly again.

I guess I should start off with Taylor’s makeover, which I had done before the passing of my father.  After I gave Taylor this shirt, we buried my dad in a Harley Davidson shirt as well.  Yeah.  But eventually I was able to stand the sight of Taylor again.  So it’s all cool.

“Wow, this telescope is powerful as all git’ out!  I can see the craturs on Mars wid this thing!”

“AHEM.”

“Well, ur the one that stood in front of the telescope, Dolly.”

“Also, yew should see a doctur’ bout that dandruff.  Because, fuck.”

“If yew were alive, I’d strangle yew, of course.”

At some point, I don’t remember when, Taylor had developed some weird fear of how awesome the horses are or something.  He’s not a coward, and I don’t think he’s neurotic.  Just weird.

“Oh shit, they are out there, watching me, waiting for me…  they are so cool, but they’re out to get me, I swear!”

I’d say he needs to get out more, but I think that’s what he’s afraid of.

Aw, mommy wants her son to have a bachelor party!  I haven’t seen anyone recommend one for anyone, so I’m going to pretend it’s because she loves her baby boy XD

Even if her baby boy is scared of awesome horses.

“Nascar, I’m scared!  They are so cool, but they got me trapped in the garage!  Hide me, quick!  Hold me :(”

“Why does my pathway have to be blocked by such an idiotic dumbass?”

Meanwhile, Ken wasn’t helping and became his block of clay.

“First, I must BECOME the art, before I can create it!”

Ok, Spongebob.

“So Vurawn’icuh, I wus thinkin’ while the boys were havin’ their lil’ bach’lur party, we ladies could come here and watch a movie ‘r something, while they have fun!  Wut’cha say?”

“Cool idea, Dolly.  Too bad there’s no show right now :\”

“We fail, don’t we?”

“Oh, hi ladies.  I am just getting off of work and I’m on my way to the bachelor party.  Anything I can help you with?”

“How ’bout yew help me wid’ a tour of your workplace, Sam?  Hmmm?”

“You know, I’ve been thinking, Dolly.  And I know where you are going with that, but I think I should stay out of your love triangle you seem to be working on with me and Taylor.  I know, I’m good looking, and so damn desirable that you are willing to by-pass our cousin status for the third time this legacy, but I just think…

Dolly, I think that this legacy should end with one man as your partner instead of your weird polygamist ideals, and because Taylor is the one with the ring, I gladly forfeit my rights to breed with my cousin and will step aside for him to have a happy life for you, instead of spending these last few generations stepping on egg shells to keep peace.  The narrator agrees, and I think I’ll move out tomorrow to give you guys elbow room.  Is that ok for you?”

“Ah Sam, that’s jus’ fine with me.  I prefer staying friends with yew instead of riskin’ our relationships with each other.”

Yeah, over this break I’ve decided to stick with one gene donor instead of Utah-ing it up this last gen.  And even though Sam is good looking as hell, I love my little pink haired equinophobic more.  Sam, well, is just less expressive than Kristen Stewart in my opinion.

Yeah, I went there.

I’ll add him to the exchange though eventually maybe.

BACK AT LA CASA

“Mom, when you said you were going to help me throw my bachelor party, I didn’t think you were going to try to cater it in my bathroom with some druggies you found on the street.”

“Taylor, they aren’t druggies from the street!  They are druggies from the laundromat.  What were you expecting me to get for you on such short notice in this town?”

“Oh Andrew, your hair!  It’s so soft and blue and all your colors are so psychedelic man…”

*Tries to take a deep wiff of all the colors*

“Mom, please don’t volunteer to help me throw my wedding party.  Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go cry now.”

“Bear?  What are you doing in here napping when you could be in that bathroom partying it up with the guests?”

“Aw, go’way Sam.  Bachelor parties aren’t fur me anyway.”

“Come on Bear.  You look so damn sad in here pouting and being a loser.  What’s wrong now?”

“Oh, you know what’s wrong!  I’m alone!  Everyone here is about to get married and move on with their lives, even Nascar.  And I have no one.  The only girl I ever loved was lost to me when I left Sunset, and after Opal, I found no one else I could see myself with really.  Going to those parties just remind me that I’m going to be single for the rest of eternity, so I might as well wait this out in this room.”

“Bear, that’s no way to think!  I’m not getting married yet, and I’m having fun!”

“You have a while to find the one for you, Sam.  I will never see my Opal again, and no one will ever match that.  Can I go back to my nap now?”

“Look, I will not see one of my friends mope around like this hopelessly, so I am going to get something for you before I leave the house tomorrow.  I won’t tell you what, but when I’m gone and you finally get it, remember me fondly, ok?”

“You’re talking nonsense, but ok, man.”

“Cool, now go enjoy the party now.  I hear the stripper finally arrived.”

The stripper did arrive.  But she got pathblocked on the porch by nothing and vanished into thin air like the dumb bitch she was.

Starla, determined to not let her crybaby son have a bad party, apparently took the stripper’s place, and got drunk and naked in the bathroom with the men.

Best mom ever.

There was a little partying in the kitchen, in which Ken demonstrated his water bending ability to keep his suit from getting wet.

“No Dolly, this is the only suit I got, and I got to keep it clean for the weddings!”

“BLUGHBLUGBLUG”

Also, Calvin Riffin, Sugar’s new husband and Taylor’s father, drowned himself on bubbly.

“Sir?  Sir, I don’t know CPR and I’m not a defibrillator, but do you need me to drive you to the hospital anyway?”

The next shiny morning, everyone saddled up and went to Nascar’s and Veronica’s wedding site.  Well, everyone but Sam.

“You guys have fun!  I’ll probably be gone by the time you get back, but give the robots my  good wishes!”

After they left, Sam kept his promise to Bear and set his plan into action.  He hijacked the time machine, and traveled to the past (or, the future?  Since we are already in the past, I’m confusing myself).

MEANWHILE, the wedding party was already in full gear.  Not really.

“When WE get married Godric, I’m taking all your MONEY!”

“Dammit Sidney, don’t scare me like that!  I know you love me for me!”

“Hee hee, sure.”

Not long after they broke up anyway.  Ugh, after all that hard work I went through putting them together.  They suck.

Meanwhile, the lucky couple tried to get into it as well.

“We’ve been plannin’ our weddin’ fur weeks, Veronica!  Stop being so grouchy all of a sudden!”

“But I just don’t feel like it right now!  Go away, Nascar, and let me ruin my own wedding party the way I want to!”

*One Moodlet Managing later*

“Bitch, get ur ass to that weddin’ arch now.”

“Oh ok, fine, you know I’m a sucker for flowers and mood erasing radiation waves anyway. So glad I’m marrying you today :D”

As usual, there were some robot prejudice going on anyway.

“Yawn, trash compactors having a wedding.  Nothing to do here folks.”

“Haha, Nascar getting married is so funny I broke my own arm!”

“Bawww, I don’t want to be here!”

Jeez, what’s wrong with you now, Bear?

“I’m never going to get married and have a happy wedding like this couple!  I hope no one sees me here so I can just go home and mope already…”

Sigh…

It took all day for them to get ready to go through with their marriage.  It actually quite sucked really.  Everyone wasn’t really cooing over the happy couple as much as they were “OMG ARE THEY ROBOTS” and “WTF THIS CHAIR ISN’T WORKING HELP”

“No Tater, you didn’t miss anything at this wedding I assure.  Actually, I’m glad you aren’t here right now dear, because I’m kinda sexing up your brother right now.  Well, no, of course not on purpose!  Yeah, he’s crying about being alone… I already knew that was the reason he stood here in front of me, yeah…”

“Blubububu, alone foreevvveeerrr….”

“Hold on Veronica, I know we are still saying our vows, but I think I should take this call… hello?”

“Yo man, it’s yo main man Kyle!  Over here, in the front row!  I’m calling you using my butt!  How cool is that!”

“Dammit Kyle, shut up!  I see you standing over there!  Me and Nascar are having our WEDDING right now!”

And then, their honeymoon was brought to them by Lynyrd’s death when they got home.  What a fabulous way to end their afternoon.

“It’s ok, Lynyrd Secksie.  Soon I will take you away to the other side, where you won’t ever have to hear the whining and screaming of that pink haired loser everytime he sees you walking around in the yard.”

“HEY!  He freaks me out with his tiny feet and huge head, ok?!”

“I think I’m more sad that Death rides side-saddle like a bitch :(”

Dolly, you have never been on a horse in your life, I don’t think, so don’t complain.

“Hey Bear!  Was the wedding any good?”

“Nah, I cried a lot and Ken beat me with his cellphone.  Then Nascar beat some other robot named Kyle with his cellphone.  He’s gotta go to court about that in a month though.”

“Well, I’m about to run off now, as much as I loved living here in this house and sharing the laundry room with you.”

“Good luck out there and I hope everything works out for you.  We’ll be seeing you around, Sam!”

“You probably will.  Won’t.  Maybe.  Who knows yet.”

“But remember that thing I told you about last night?  My “gift” to you?  Well, let’s just say it’s in town now, and when you find it, well, no need to thank me, ok man?”

“Still no clue what you are blabbering on about man, but still, good luck out there.”

And then Sam left.

Next morning was Taylor and Dolly’s wedding.  Finally.

“Everything’s gotta be purfect fur our weddin’ Taylor… but I’m so scared somethin’s gonna go wrong and screw this up fur us… ain’t yew nervous too, Taylor?”

“Something going wrong!?  SOMETHING GOING WRONG?!  IF ANYTHING, IT WILL BE MY FAULT!  I don’t WANT to ruin MY OWN WEDDING!  I’M A SCREWUP!  NOOOOOO!”

“Uh, Taylor, I wasn’t blamin’ yew… nawt yet anyway…”

“NOOOOOO!  MY WEDDING IS DOOMED!  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO/WHAT HAVE I DONE?!  SHIT SHIT SHIT!!”

“Daddy, what is wrong with my fiance?!”

“I think he’s GLITCHED dear!  He’s been screaming for half an hour already, and we are stuck in this unbreakable cycle of worrying over him and screaming with him!  I think he DID screw up your wedding!”

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

“OH NO, TAYLOR DISSAPPEARED IN THIN AIR!”

“NOOO, DADDY, MY FIANCE IS GONE!”

“Nonsense dear!  I just reset him!  … He is now stuck in his unbreakable cycle of panicking over and over again at the house, where if we got reset we’d do the same thing -_-”

So I did the only thing that would fix it and moved Taylor back out and into his mother’s house until the wedding started.  I figured that would solve the problem, at least for the weird glitched up screaming.

ALWAYS AT THE WORST TIME

“DAMMIT, my wedding is turning out to be a bust!  It’s been a hour past 10 when the wedding should have started and no one has shown up yet!  Not even Taylor!  I blame Nascar.”

Well, someone showed up at least…

“Oh hi there!  I heard that there was an open wedding at the park today, and I was just walking by and thought I’d congradulate you guys on the happy occasion!  I love weddings and all that.  I’m going to assume you are the lucky groom, correct?”

“Um… well no, and the wedding is kinda falling through right now… I’m sorry, what was your name again?  Are you on the guest list?”

“Well no I’m not, but I didn’t see anyone else in the park, and thought I’d stop by.  Sorry, my name’s Opal Suarley.  I really didn’t mean to intrude if I did though, I guess I’ll be on my way-”

“NO no no, wait!  Opal Suarley?!  I don’t mean to be pokin’ my nose in your business and all, but, I knew an Opal Suarley… but she lived in Sunset Valley.  I don’t think you can be the same girl… can you?”

“I don’t know about that, but strangely enough, me and my folks were going to move there many years ago when I was a child… and they were even going to throw me a party for when we got there!  We were even going to have a depressed clown I was planning on pushing in our new swimming pool and making fun of until he was seething with murderous rage because I thought it would be funny… but before we could get going, some red headed guy with evil yellow eyes popped out of this weird time machine-like wormhole and pushed the moving van into the lake!  Killed my parents.  I stayed in Twinbrook hopefully to find that evil time-traveling man and avenging my parents one day.  But enough about my life story, I don’t think I’m the Opal you are thinking of after all, haha!”

“Oh Sam, you are a mad genius!”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh nothing, just thinking out loud.  But, uh, I’m so glad you got to stop by Ms. Suarley, it was nice to get to meet you!”

“Ah, yes, well I’m glad to meet you too!”

Meanwhile, it was official for Dolly’s wedding.  No one was showing up, even after several hours of waiting, the robots wouldn’t stop heckling everyone, and DAMMIT Ken get off the horse.

“I think you need to call your fiance Dolly and see what the hell is keeping him.  You better make sure nothing happened to him on his way over to his wedding!”

“Ur right, ain’t like him to just go back to his mommy’s house to cry about ruinin’ his weddin’ then jus’ nawt show up to it…”

“Taylor?  Baby?  You do know the weddin’ started a few hours ago, right?  No one showed up at all, but I didn’t think even YEW weren’t comin’ either!  Come on now, when ya’ gonna get heer?”

Oh

WELL THEN

If THAT doesn’t deserve a nice kick to his crotch, I don’t know what does!

“Seriously.  Considering he didn’t even HAVE a job when he lived with us only a few minutes ago.”

Wow, that’s got to hurt.

“I’m so sorry to hear that your niece’s wedding is a bust, Bear!  I’m so embarrassed for her right now.”

“Huh?  Oh sorry, I wasn’t really thinking about them right now… but uh, I guess since the wedding is off, you want to go somewhere else and hang with me for the rest of this afternoon?  I’m free.”

“Oh, well sure then!”

It was actually kind of hard to enjoy their cutesy little date together….

Especially when Dolly was getting a moodlet like THIS

WHICH IS BULLSHIT, SHE WAS THERE

IT WAS TAYLOR THAT SHOULD BE GETTING THAT SHIT, NOT HER

NO ONE SHOWED UP TO THAT THING, THERE WAS NO WEDDING

GAH

Seeing as her afternoon was now free and depressing, I decided to send Dolly to the salon to finally, after all this time, ACTUALLY get her shitty tattoos fixed.

OF COURSE, lo and behold, a surprise at the salon awaited us…

“…Hmm… I’m in trouble now, aren’t I?”

Like hell you are, boy.

Here are some end-of-chapter popups about stuff from this chapter.

Oh poor Hannah.

And finally: AWWW.  They are picking on each other as children!

THIS IS TOO CUTE

OTP 5EVER

Next chapter, will there be a wedding and babies, or will Dolly just stick the tattoo needle into Taylor’s eye sockets?  Will Bear and Opal be together before it’s all said and done as well?

I DON’T KNOW

I lied, I do know.