The Secksie’s Superbowl Special II

For the record, I almost didn’t do a Superbowl special this year,  seeing as we just got over a long series of crashes.  But it was considered and at the last second, I asked my magic 8 ball if I should do one anyway.

The 8 ball said “Don’t count on it.”

We are going to go ahead with one anyway.

“Bear, I was thinkin’ since it’s Secksie tradition-”

“-We only did it once, man.  It’s nawt really a “tradition”, ya know.”

“Shaddup ‘n lemme finish.  I was thinkin’ that we’d hold a lil Superbawl’ party tomorruh’, so yew wanna help me do this thing? I mean, I know yew ain’t gawt nothin’ better to do no how anyway.”

“Well, I was going to curl up on mah bed ‘n look at Opal’s old high school photo ‘n cry, but watchin’ a hyped up footbawl game does sound better.”

“Naw Bear.  Nawt here, the livin’ room’s too smawl’ fur a bunch of rawdy’ football fans.  Let’s take this party somewhere better.”

So the Secksies rented out the football (football?  I still don’t know what kind of field layout this is.  Aztec soccer?) field behind the school building.

Nascar: “Hi there!”

“Dan, get your finger out of your nose, we are going live in about five or so minutes I think.”

“But I can’t, Rich!  There’s one of those sharp little boogers up there and if I don’t get it out now, it will press up on my nose and itch and all kinds of crazy shit-”

“DUDE shut up we’re on-HI THERE!  If you are just tuning in, welcome to our 2012 coverage of this year’s Superbowl, brought to all the sims by Sports Universe, the only station that cares that you watch sweaty men in tights.  I’m Rich Muron, and my partner here, Dan Prefer, will once again host this years Special, as absolutely nothing has changed since last year.”

“Speak for yourself, Rich, for this year I have grown a sportly new mustache!”

“And so begins our underpaid editing work…”

“So which team are you rallyin’ fur, Ken?”

“Oh, I don’t know yet, they both seem so cool, so I just sport the colors for both teams!  This way I’m for the winner either way.”

“Lemme guess, you’ve never seen a football game in your life, have you?”

“Oh Cleatus, I’m not even sure what a football is.  Is this the game where they try to get the teeny tiny white ball into the teeny tiny hole using a stick?”

“…Get the hell off the field.”

While waiting for the party to actually start, what better way to spend time than to actually play football!

“I’ve never held a football in my hands ever 😀 😀 :D”

Your great grandmother Virginia is proud, Tater.

“Ah, there’s nothing better than taking an ole’ pigskin and roughhousin’, just like the old days *crushes ball*”

“Hey now.  Don’t yew start playin’ no hardball wid’ me Nascar.  I ain’t havin’ any of that shit.  I ain’t skilled as yew are so play nice.”

“Oh, I’m playin’ nice alright…”

“I said NICE, Nascar, don’t fuckin’ pelt me wid the damn thi-”

“HAH, still funny after all this time.”

“Ok everyone SHUT THE HELL UP!  Football game time :D”

“Welcome back from the break, fellow sports fans.  As you are all aware, last year brought the end of my short time girlfriend and fellow reporter, Janet, who was digested by the half time show performers, the Black Eyed Peas.  Those brutes.  Consuming such a sweet flower like Janet, why?! I can’t believe they are even still allowed to tour!  And be near more people?!  More PREY?!  Why, if I was out there right now I’d stick a fork in each one of their-”

“Whoa excuse me, what?  …What do you mean I can’t spread BEP propaganda on national television?  It’s true I tell you!  Well I’m sorry your wife is a Fergie fan, but my Janet… No I wanna keep my job…”

“Sorry about that folks, apparently the producers decided that it’s best to hold off on my Janet eulogy until later, but for now, let’s go to the game already in progress, shall we?”

“Ah, apparently the Giants are already leading the Patriots (LOL I wrote Pats.  I miss Pat.) several touch downs already.”

“Are you sure Dan?  It looks like it’s the Patriots that are leading instead.”

“I really can’t tell.  This game looks so… familar.”

“So Bear, what’s the point of this game again?”

“To WIN”

“Uh huh…”

“Cletus bored now.  Cletus need BEER!”

“Calm yourself Cletus.  It’s not even the end of the first quarter yet.”

“Try one of the bubblegum flavored drinks we have in the ice bucket next to the couch.”

“Are you KIDDIN’ me?!  I can’t git drunk off that!”

The first guest to the party was the dorky orcy dovahkiin, who came on a baby blue bicycle.

“I love this thing!  It doesn’t die when I ride it off a mountain.”

“Someone help me get a damn beer already!  I don’t have THUUUUMBS!”

“Bear!  Just get your dog a beer already!  I want one too and I can’t get one if there’s a line for it!”

“NO!  The commercials are already over?!  Not yet tv, I’m still SOBER!”

“And someone really married that carrot top?”

“Actually, I think she ran away because no one has seen her lately.”

“We are back Dan.  Is it just me or is number 12 looking a little squiggly today?”

“All the Tom Bradies look a little squiggly today.  I’m glad you said something, I thought it was my new contacts acting up.”

“No, it’s been like that since number 41 went missing.  My theory is wild dogs, Dan.”

“Cleatus is sad.  Cleatus still hasn’t gotten a beer yet :(”

“Oh my Malacath, will someone get this damn dog a damn beer already?!”

“How’s the party over there, Tal?”

“I have to say Bear.  I really don’t prefer the view.”

“Are you kidding me?!  I think that’s the best view in the whole house ;)”

“Well if you think it’s so great, Ken, why don’t you switch seats with me?!”

“RAAAH, Bear ANGRY!  Why are you here and not in SCHOOL, Dolly?!”

“Um, cuz, school let out TWO HOURS ago, Unca’ Bear!  Gawd!”

“SCHOOL ISN’T LONG ENOUGH UGH”

“Hee hee, he’s just sexually repressed”

“SHUT UP NASCAR”

“So Rich, looking forward to the halftime show coming up in a few seconds?”

“No actually.  It brings back so many sad memories.  So sad.  So heartbreaking.”

“I don’t know, makes me kinda hungry myself.”

“BAAAW NOOOO MY POOR JANET WHY”

“HAH, it gets funnier everytime I say that!”

“So halftime show, Rich.  I don’t know, something’s just not quite right…”

“Like what, the fact that Madonna is about as old as my grandmother and she still makes me hot?”

“No, WHAT?  Um… I was thinking more like-”

“Ah, there we go, NOW it’s a halftime show!”

“What are we watching, Rich?!”

“American entertainment, my dear friend.  American entertainment.”

“…Wait, ain’t she British?”

“Wait, what’s going on now?  I can’t see the TV!  Hey you!  DOWN IN FRONT!”

“Oh hi guys!  I just wanted to come over and say something.  I’m Angelita.”

“WHO CARES, MOVE, IN WAY OF TV”

“Oh wow.  All these people here… maybe I should leave… *continues to stand*”

“That’s it, I’m going to have to kick your ass now, aren’t I?!”

“OOH football fan fight!  GIT HER!”

“If a fight really does go down, this really will be a great party!”

“I might actually put money down too if it goes down!”

“GASP!  She’s still in front of the TV”

“I think I’ll get in on this bet too!  If I win, it’ll help wid’ mah medical bills fur mah arm.”

“Who’s ready for more football!”

“Dan!  Your mustache fell off!”

“Ah well.  That’s what we get for paying the editors with ham sandwiches I guess.”

“Alright, so far the Patriots are in the lead-”

“Giants, Dan.”

“I’m not really paying attention.”

“Well you should.  It was a great play, filled with whimsy and woe.  Giant’s number 22 got into a spat with Pat’s 12 right on the field, and 12 had to come pull 12 off of him, and 12.”

“We get it, you are man crushing on Brady.”

“Number 154 scored a touchdown!  It was amazing!  The greatest play I wasn’t really watching!  Apparently it involved some tricky maneuvering, black magic, and a turnip if I’m not mistaken, Rich!”

“…How do you stand to watch this confusing mess, Dan?!”

“A lot of vodka, my friend.”

“BITCH.  We told you to MOVE five minutes ago.  It wasn’t funny then and it’s not funny now, so GET LOST.”

“UGH, how rude.  You invite my sister and my mother, and not me, and you think you can talk down to me like that?!  The nerve of some people.”

“I’m LEAVING.  I have a happy meal in the fridge with my name on it that I need to get to now anyway!”

“Good riddance.  Don’t let the door slap you on the ass on the way out.”

“Now that that’s over with… HAHA, WHAT?!  We are watching football?!”

“Um, we’ve BEEN watching football the whole time…  what did you think we were watching?”

“I didn’t know, I was too busy making fun of you, Carrot Head Man!”

“Sigh.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, wait, how did Troy Purmurdurburur get on the field?!”

“Don’t you remember, Dan?  They never caught him from last year!  Legend has it he’s been living under the stadium, awaiting the next Superbowl for him to make an appearance in.”

“Should… someone go get a net or something?”

“Why is one of our editors running around screaming on the field?”

“Dumb ho got a hand cramp, Dan.  But the good news is now with Troy returned to the property of the Steelers, the game is back on, and I really think it’s going to be a good game this year after all!  We haven’t had as many players die in hole related deaths as we did last year.  Hell, the Patriots still have all their Tom Brady clones.”

“No wait, Rich, what’s happening now…?!”

“I think… I think they are playing baseball now, Dan… Wait, I don’t think they even know where the baseball is either…”

“What is this, I don’t even…”

“Oh, it’s over?!  Oh, and let’s see… Giants got all the points first quarter, then Patriots got something… carry the two… plus ten…”

“Oh NO,  I’m out of $4000!  My gamblers anonymous group is going to be PISSED”

“WOO!  Giants WON!  I wus a Giants gurl all along!”

Actually I was certain the Secksies would be more of a bunch of Patriot supporters.  Maybe that was just me.

“Doesn’t matter winning team won, WOO!”

“Boo!  This party sucks because Angelita sucks BOOOOO”

“I agree, she is such a party ruiner!”

“Guys?  She left an HOUR ago.  She’s not even on the lot anymore.”

“So, wut’d yew think ’bout ur first football game, Ken?”

“I… am so confused.  Am I supposed to be this confused?”

“Have yew had anything to drink yet?”

“No, I haven’t!”

“Really?  …Then ya shouldn’t…”

“Well, we better hurry up ‘n start packin’ up.  The field’s startin’ to attract local hobos.”

“Yall boys mind of I sleep here for a few hours?!  Cool, thanks!”

“Hee hee, this is where I come to meet up with my local coke dealer!  Get it?!  Coke!  I’m funny.”

“Oh man, that joke physically hurt me.”

“Hurray!!”

“Um, ok?  Are ya jus’ now startin’ to get into the football day spirit or somethin’, Ken?”

“No, it’s also my birthday, Tater!”

“Oh, yeah that’s right, I remembered…”

Yeah right.

“Kinda looking a little worried there Tater ;)”

“Oh no, I’ve just been glitched in the face on ‘n off all day now… but yay fur my husband!”

“Well, that’s it folks, our Superbowl coverage comes to a close this year.  Sigh, Dan… after this, do you even think they’ll let us keep this job?”

“I hope so, I still have to pay for my ex wife’s spa therapies and step-children child-support.”

“I’ve already told you to sacrifice her to the BEP, Dan!  Why won’t you listen to me?!”

“Sigh, where’s my mustache, I’m going home.”