“Naw, that’s just ‘cus I’m awesum’ like that.”
I also didn’t know that you could upgrade the wardrobe mirror… with a wrench.
“Naw, I’m purdy sure that’s still just my awesome self, now stop neglectin’ me like yew’ve been doin’ lately.”
Sure sure. And I’ve also just now noticed that Nascar’s arm is coming out of his neck. The crashes haven’t been kind to you, Nascar.
Last time, the triplets grew into teenagers, and I guess I don’t hate them as much as I used to. They still piss me off a lot though.
“Oh mah gaw, I can’t go take a bath now! The swaump grass is in mah way!”
That is the WORST excuse I’ve heard ever, Dammy. Get your lazy ass in the bathroom NOW.
“Dang baby, you lookin’ fine. Look at my ripplin’ muscles, I know I can lift yew up toots.”
“The bed’s makin’ a pass at me!”
Pfft, you know you like the attention it’s giving you, Dammy.
Yeah yeah, R.P. He brought back Leroy’s mullet and Jared’s pornstache.
I really have nothing else to say about them.
“Oh Darr’ll. She’s jus’ a growin’ gurl, she’s gawt’ all dem’ hormones n’ stuff goin’ on, she prolly was jus’ upset n’ lashed out. Bet she didn’t even mean it. I know she still loves yew n’ all, she’s just goin’ through a really hard time.”
“But Vurginyuh! Yew weren’t out there wen she said wut she said! Yew didn’t hear the words that came outta this child’s mouth! I mean, I know I ain’t her daddy, but she’s my dawghtur! It really hurt, yew know?”
“Oh, Darr’ll, babe, just stop worryin’ so much ’bout this! She’s a teen! She’s prolly gonna rebel like this fur a while! Yew were a kid once too yew know, yew went though that same phase once too!”
“Yeah… I guess ur right babe.”
“Oh babe, yew know wutta man wants, don’t cha!”
“REALLY, guys?! I’m out heer paintin’ yew know!!”
“Oh lawd, Dale that creepy-ass busdriver keeps checkin’ me out… GAWT AN EYE PROBLEM MISTUR?!”
“YO DAWG, KEEP CHECKIN’ MAH SISTUR OUT, HUH?! HOW BOUT KEEPIN’ UR EYES ON THE ROAD BEFUR I KNOCK YO FUCKIN’ LIGHTS OUT DAWG”
Dixie’s hat: “Oh shit, just stay quiet and pretend we didn’t get on the bus.”
Meanwhile SOMEONE didn’t get on the bus because it took him an hour to get dressed, the lazy fuck.
“My mommy’s my only friend ‘cus she loves me.”
“Oh hell, yew really are a bitchy loser, ain’t cha?!”
“Daaang, ur just so cute, I can’t wait ’til yew get older so I can tap that”
“NO Bianca, stay away frum that loser pervert! I’m comin’ to save yew sis!”
“Wutever, yew didn’t even like me anyway…”
“Can’t believe he tried to ground me, it’s so stupid and nawt fair… can’t wait til’ I grow up and start livin’ by my own rules…”
“Wait a minute, don’t I know yew?”
“Didn’t think I’d run into my birth fathur at the beach today…”
“Everyone seems to say that…”
“Eh, I keep findin’ ur lil’ fotos in the newspaper, yew bein’ such a genius n’ yew keep comin’ up on the front page with ur school achievements, yew on the front wid’ur mama that time wen ur triplet siblin’s were born, I’ve been keepin’ track. How’d yew know I was ur dad?”
“I guess I could say the same thing. Ur foto in the paper, like the time grammpa blew up ur store, yew stealin’ the railin’s off the bridges a couple years back, I wus keepin’ track too.”
“Listen, I don’t know wut to say bout me, yew know, nawt bein’ there fur yew… I jus’ wasn’t ready to be a dad. Can’t say I really loved ur mothur, and with my track record, I’m sure yew wouldn’t have wanted me to be there wid’ya anyway.”
“Don’t worry bout all that. I always told myself that if I ever saw yew in person, I would git really mad n’ stuff. I just… I don’t know, I just don’t feel mad right now…”
“Then he grounded me! N’ that’s were I’m supposed to be right now!”
“Oh dang gurl, I guess yew get that frum me, amirite?!”
“I think I’ll jus’ wait an hour til I change in MY workout outfit, k thx”
“Oh hell, my clothes dissappeared. Oh well, I’m sexy either way”
“OH GAWD A HERNIA, DALE CALL THE AMBUH’LANCE”
“Oh Jay? That’s my son! Why, I remember when he was born… He was only four pounds and he was just this small. I remember when me and Pauline brought him home for the first time, and I brought him to the back porch here to get a better look at him in a better light… then I dropped him off the side of the porch into the lake over there.
The first time it happened I managed to convince Pauline it was an accident, but after the third or so time I did it I figured I had to stop because she was just getting suspicious.”
“Bitch please, I’m Dale SECK-ZAY, I ain’t gotta wear no pants if I wanna.”
“Oh, Darr’ll’s kid huh…”
“Why do I have to sit in the back seat?! It’s nawt fair!”
“Cus ur fat ‘n yew’ll stretch the leather uh’polstry I have in the front seat! Now shut up back there!”
Probably not, Dixie, since Darrell might just still be upset with yew.
“Sure mama! It’s a lovely mawnin’ to come sit out on the back porch anyway, I don’t mind at all!”
“Honey, I wanna talk to yew ’bout ur papa. I’m sure yew felt really angry at him fur tryina’ ground yew n’ all, and I know ur a gurl, n’ ur gonna break curfew a few times anyway. But yew really hurt Darr’ll wid wut yew said to him the other night. Yew know ur papa’s a big softie ‘n his feelin’s are easily hurt. Don’t yew think that maybe yew should talk to him bout this whole thing?”
“I’ll talk to ‘im ’bout it latur.”
“Ok. So… where’d yew go aftur school yesturday? Yew definitely weren’t heer bein’ grounded yesturday, I know that fur a fact.”
“I know, I know. But it wus strange mama, we ended up bondin’ n’ all, and I really like him.”
“DIXIE! Oh gawd… don’t tell ur pa… Darr’ll bout this! He’ll just die!”
“Wutever mama, don’t listen if yew don’t wanna, be that way then.”
“Hey Dale, doin’ homework in heer I see?”
“Naw mama, don’t call me Dale anymore, the name’s Fo-Twenny, ya dig?”
“…Please tell me yew don’t know what the meanin’ of that word is…”
“Damn school is hard. Yall guys wouldn’t happen to know the answur to numbuh one, would yall?”
Are yew really asking the flies about homework?
“Why nawt, figgured since they’re always wid’ me they’d know the answurs too…”
Meet Authur York, the new repairman.
“I just love my fuckin’ job SO MUCH”
Good, fix the damn sink already.
Dude, you already fixed it. Why are you still standing in front of it complaining about it, idiot.
“Papa, did yew really jus’ piss under the table? Man, yew sick.”
“Dammit, ‘already told yew, don’t call me Dale no more, it’s Fo-Twenny! Get it right, dawg!”
“Hell, why am I still in their kitchen?!”
“Wut the hell were we doin’ again, Da-I mean Fo-Twenny?”
“Dang, workin’ out’s gawt me all worn out…”
I find it interesting that he still pretty much has a block head. Hard to shake off Dodge’s square jaw I guess?
Yes. I’m aware of this. FIX IT.
Dammit Dammy, don’t distract the hired help!
Yeah, she tends to be a nuisance, sorry about that Authur.
“Hey! That’s very rude! I’m nawt fat, jus’ a lil meaty! …Mmmm, meat…”
Run Authur, run while she’s distracted!
“Ah, Dixie, ur back! I haven’t seen yew all day!
“Dixie, I wanna talk to yew ’bout wut happened the other day. Luk, I’m sorry I acted the way I did wen yew broke curfew. I overreacted. I didn’t mean to snap, n’ I know it’s ‘cus ur just a growin’ teen, n’ ur gonna do things like this. I just don’t want yew to stay mad at me. Will yew forgive me, baby doll?”
“Dad, I forgive yew. I forgave yew a long time ago. ‘N I jus’ wanna say, I didn’t mean those mean things I said. I know yew ain’t my real daddy. But I really do love yew like yew are. Can yew accept my ‘pology fur snappin’ at yew like I did?”
“Oh baby doll, course I do. So glad we’re friends again!”
“Yeah… but dad? I have somethin’ I wanna tell yew. It’s kinda important, and kinda on topic bout wut we’re talkin’ bout. Dad? I was at the beach the other day, and I ran into someone while I was there…”
“Dad, jus’ lemme finish…”
“Dad, I met my real fathur at the beach the other day. ‘N I gotta talkin’ to ’em, n’ I really like him, dad. ‘N I was thinkin’ that I know yall don’t like ’em all that much, but I want him in my life more often, ok?”
“Dad, don’t give me that sad luk. I really think I had a lot in common wid’ mah real fathur… n’ we’re friends n’ everything now. I’ve been talkin’ to him on the phone a lot lately, and I’m gonna spend more time with him… from now on. I just want to have a connection wid’ my real dad…”
“Dad, don’t give me that luk! Me and Sheldon’r friends. ‘N I like stayin’ in touch wid ma’ real fathur. I’ve invited him to my birthday party in a few days, n’ I jus’ don’t want yew gettin’ too upset over this, mmk?”
Well… that went well, didn’t it?
I’ve never been good with story transitions
So guess what time it is!
HEIR POLL TIME
Ok, first we have Dixie Secksie, Virginia’s only child with Sheldon. She’s a good genius, and an eco-friendly person with a green thumb. She might have a thing for Jay, you know, if he ever comes home long enough for the two of them to get further acquainted.
“Bitch, it’s FO-TWENNY. GIT IT RIGHT”
Yeah yeah, he’s a clumsy, lucky, perceptive athlete who got less attention than he deserved. Looks like Darrell, but with Virginia’s hair and eyes.
Then there’s the triplets, starting with Richard Petty, the excitable eccentric loser who’s also a workaholic and virtually had no attention at all because playing with three toddlers at once as long as I did pretty much got me in the mood to just not give a shit.
Then finally, there’s Danica and Tammy Jo, or Dammy, who probably got less screen time than R.P. Danica is absent minded, excitable, friendly and frugal, while her sister T.J. is brave, friendly, unlucky and loves the outdoors. If you do vote for Dammy, vote because you think they are pretty, not because they’d be holding a duel heirship. Keep that in mind with the other candidates too. We are entering the second half of the legacy, and getting closer to the final generation. we need the best genes only, and trust me, I like something in each of the kids.
As usual, there is a poll at Boolprop, you got five days to vote, but I know some people have voted in the comments before so if you feel like you want to tell me your vote there, that’s fine. The poll is just to keep up with the tallies for me. But I can remember a few here too.
It’s all cool, dawg.