Wow. I didn’t know that about my own child. All this time I thought I had a son! I guess I should go ahead and change his name to Jermina and ask Harley if she’s ok being a father.
And then if that’s the case, then Harley wasn’t what I thought she was either. My perception must be off lately.
After telling his son that about Aunt Jeramy and Uncle Harley, Dodge then proceeded to eat poop from the training potty.
“GRAMMPAW!! DAD’S EATING SHIT AGAIN!”
“None of my bis’ness wut Dodge does, Warren.”
Oh look, a birthday for Heidi.
She grew up to be neat. Really now.
“Father! How can you work in this filth! This is not sanitary for a grown man such as yourself!”
“Baby gurl, ur gonna have to use english. I lost yew at fawthur.”
“Oh GOODNESS! What have I done! How?! How could I soil myself?!”
“I am so ashamed! The humiliation! I believe I have been around you people for far too long! I’m becoming one of you!”
“No dear. Yew were always a Secksie, and this just proves it!”
“And so is ur big brothur in the kitchen.”
“This is awesome, she took off her top”
Figured out how to use the computer… I see.
“On Saturn she would come out of the screen and please me.”
Glad we aren’t on Saturn.
“OH GAWD WHERE’D THIS TREE COME FROM?!”
Lol, while in the garden, tab key revealed a tree had punched Amber in the stomach, triggering labor pains.
“FUCK I’M GIVIN’ BIRTH TO A TREEEEEE”
“Oh Jerry. I don’t think anyone here really thinks I came all this way from Saturn. They’re all like, you’re insane and, why didn’t you just stay dead, and I don’t remember him, and stop looking up my skirt street perv and get out of my yard. Wut did I do to make this town not believe in me?”
“I bewieve ur frum Saturn big brofur!”
“Thanks Jerry. You are such a sweet baby. I just can’t believe you grow up to be such a cruel, tyrannical High Lord of Mars!”
“So, wut did I say!?”
“Yew were right, Lawn’e! Warren is batshit insane!”
“I told yew!”
OH YEAH, I about let the intro of the third baby slip.
This is Virginia Clem, named after Edgar Allen Poe’s 13 year old cousin/bride. She rolled couch potato and outdoors lover, like so many before her
“So wait, if one of them is named after a man that married his 13 year old cousin, and the other one is named after a 13 year old cousin, does this mean they’re gonna have to be kept in separate rooms?”
Don’t think too hard on it, Jed.
It’s birthday time, as you can tell. After all, when else is there a cake in the kitchen and a random kid on video games?
“I’m not random! I’m Guinevere, Harley’s and Jeramy’s first daughter!”
Oh you poor child.
The guests no longer hang out on the porch for way too long. They now come right in and make themselves comfortable.
And by comfortable, they run straight into the nursery/Jed’s room and clog up the doorway so now no one is getting out or coming in
GET THE FUCK OUT OF JED’S WAY OMG YOU ARE PISSING HIM OFF
Dispite all the guests invited, the only people that actually came to the caking was the main family members. What a waste of invites.
“Lol, I married Sinbad’s old character to a male prostitute.”
“Is THAT wut I have to luk forward to?! That luks like it hurts! DAMN!”
“How do I luk, sis?”
Besides Lonnie, someone else had a birthday.
“Hurray fur yew toilet! Yew turn five years old! YAY TOILET!”
Well, it’s hasn’t been taken by a repo man yet…
Remember that Lonnie’s insane? Well, now he’s also a workaholic, which might explain why he’s ALWAYS in his formal suit.
“Dude, I think I might be a bit stoned, but I just thought I heard this old fart tell me he was my brothur.”
“Um. I AM your brother, Lonnie…”
“Ugh, why am I the one that’s always taking care of the children? Grandfather? Why didn’t you take care of Virginia’s diaper when she started crying for it half an HOUR ago?”
“I had other important things to do! Like DEATHFISH! I really need to go fishin’ fur that! That’s important!”
Warren spends all his life pretty much teaching the toddlers skills.
“On Saturn, I wasn’t taught skills! They were digitally implanted in my head! I wonder if I can just do that with you!”
We are not shoving the computer through the baby’s skull, Warren.
“So dad, there was a bottul’ of rat poison on the counter this mawnin’ and when I went to get my breakfast, I noticed it half empty! HAH! Would be kinda funny if someone slipped that stuff in my fud, wouldn’t it?!”
“Hmm… friendship points with my son…”
“Um dad? T-that rat poison isn’t in my soup… i-is it?”
“HAHA! Friendship points. Friendship points!”
“DAD! I’m SURIOUS! I don’t wanna die dad!”
“Son, we don’t even have rat poison. Ur imagination is runnin’ wild again.”
“IS NAWT! I DON’T WANNA DIE!”
“Hm, I feel like I was just here…”
Yeah, you were *turns on Ipod*
Virginia Clem baby, the only baby that isn’t blonde. Amy’s hair color is hard to shake, isn’t it?
“Ma? Ma?! MA?! MA?! MA! The ladybugs’r back in the hawse ma! I know they’re there, I feel them!”
“And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor…”
“And mah soul frum out that shadow that lies floatin’ on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevurmur!”
Stop teaching the baby sad poetry, Warren! She needs to learn stuff like cat, dog, and ABC! Not the Raven!
“Just teachin’ her about her namesake! Jeez! Besides, I can talk about death if I want to! He’s in the yard BTW.”
“Ugh, what is that a pond? Why am I in the backwaters, did someone drown in two feet of water again?”
No, just croaked over from old age.
“Oh DAD! Sniff! Baw! Why did yew have to die now?!”
“Sniff, sniff, wah… wait, wus’ that?”
“Heer yew go, Death ole’ boy! I picked this purdy lil’ flower just fur yew!”
“What the crap? Where’d you get this?!”
“They grow in bulk at the bottom of Hollowlog springs!”
“Damn! How many do you have!”
“Well damn. Fine. I’ll take this flower and give you a few more weeks to live. Damn. I shouldn’t be able to be bought over so easily by plants.”
“Well, isn’t that the strangest damn thing I’ve seen all my life!”
“Yay! I’m alive again! Thanks Death ole’ boy!”
“Oh shut it, you old man! You can’t avoid death forever! I’ll be back, you just wait and see! And when I do, I’ll make you rue this day that you tricked me with a flower!”
“Pfft, I’ll bet.”
“W-WHAT?! I just peed myself?! I have a bladder?! WHAT THE FUCK!”
“I’m so embarassed! DON’T LOOK AT ME! *Pulls hood over face* I’ll get you for this, Jed Racket Secksie! YOU’LL REGRET THIS! REGRET THIS DAY!”
“Dad! That wus amazin’!”
“Yeah well, I can’t keep doin’ that everytime!”
“I’m gonna tell you this right now. The remainin’ flowers are gonna go to those kids in there. You never know when somethin’ should happen to those lil’ angels. I want yew to take care of ur family when I really am gone son.”
“Thanks dad. This is wonderful. It should make up all the times yew just stood ’round and yelled at the babies.”
“So baby. I’m Lawn’ie. I’m kinda an important sim ’round these parts. So how ’bout it toots? How ’bout yew show me the guds?!”
“LONNIE! Such a potty mouth as that shouldn’t be on a young man such as yourself! Besides, I’m your sister!”
“… Ur point is?”
“THE POINT IS I’M NOT ‘GOING TO SHOW YOU THE GOODS’! DAMN. You people really are insane!”
“Just me baby.”
What the fuck are you doing?
“We’re playin’ just like we saw mama and daddy doin’ earlier!”
What the hell.
“Ok Jerry, now tell me I’m the biggest yew’ve ever seen!”
“Why would I do that?”
“I donno, daddy says that to mommy several times and then the game is ovur when she does say it!”
So there WAS a reason Jed was granted an extended life
HE WAS PUT HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD!
“Yeah! I’m gonna be a hero! Maybe they’ll talk ’bout me on the news, or better yet, I’ll be invited onto a talk show fur savin’ the town! Or they’ll give me a big hawse full of gurls and beer!”
*an hour later*
So, how’d it go?
“It SUCKED. Wasn’t wut I thought it was gonna be at all! They gave me a butterfly net and I had to chase a radioactive goldfish around the yard! Gawd that was pointless!”
“DAMN. That soup HAD to have somethin’ in it!”
Oh Lonnie. Not all in the living room if it’s that bad! Go outside!
“Sigh. One day soon I’ll be just like these assholes out here…”
I know, but maybe later than sooner.
I guess that’s it, we’ll leave this chapter here with the ghosts in the yard.
But wait right quick…
FUCK YOU SHARK. FUCK YOU.