“WHY DO I HAVE A CHILD?!?”
Being suddenly sick sucks. But it does give me a lot of time to do nothing, and so I’ll give you another chapter three (more or less) days in a row.
Remember me having a baby? It grew up. I’m still not impressed D:<
“Well ain’t ya a cute lil’ boy. I’d like tuh hold more than hands, if ya know what I mean.”
Of course, I’m not really impressed with the babysitter I hired so I wouldn’t have to handle my own child either.
“What the hell is wrong with you, you pedophile?! I’m considering on kicking your ass out of here if you keep looking at Jeramy that way!”
“Hey, please don’t harass my hired help, no matter how creepy he is. I gotta pay him so I can sleep, even if he keeps looking at the baby with that creepy stare.”
Enough of my simself’s neglect. Yall’ heer fur the Seckies!
Last time, Melissa was on her way to the hospital to have her second child. And here she is, with half of her face embedded in her mother’s chest!
This is Chevrolet, also named after a car, just like her brother. Melissa’s got to make them match! Her traits are, uh… I don’t recall right now. I’ll have to get back to you all on it.
So Jared, how it go in there?
“I never want to see the inside of my niece-in-law’s vagina ever again.”
That’s good to hear!
Back at the house, everyone decided to stop watching the gardening network long enough to watch ‘Wet Dream on Elm Street.’
Greatest sim movie ever.
Dodge is a cute little baby. He spends all of his time upstairs playing with his toys, being all cute, which is something I’m still not used to in this legacy.
Both Jess’s are back in the yard, so does this mean it’s birthday time?
Check it out, both Jess’s are already old. I guess living with Ellie is more stressful than it looks!
I can tell which one is the “real” Jess, because he’s the one with the whiter hair, and the not-as-zombified stare.
“So, where’s the party at?”
“Definetly not inside me, Trenton.”
Like father like son.
It was Berkliegh’s birthday. Wow, how time flew with her. It feels like it was just the other day she was a baby.
I actually liked Berkliegh a lot. Yeah, she about killed my game several times, and she was pretty boring, but I almost sympathized with her, having to live with the rest of her insane family.
This is actually the first time I remember her smiling.
She grew up fat, and I gave her a little bit of a makeover. After siphoning all the fat out of her back and thighs, she was given a nice little makeover and left the house for good. Something tells me that she’s going to make something out of herself.
Or join her second cousin Adriane on the street corner. Who knows.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU WORM.
“Oh wow! Look’it all the notes comin’ out of Uncle Jar’d’s ass!”
Yeah, time for everyone to leave now.
Sinbad loves the babies. Which is good, because I never pay attention to them. Pretty much after Sinbad is done with his night shift killing people in the warehouse out of town, he’s back home taking care of the little children.
Isn’t he just a great nanny?!
“Ok Dodge, say ‘cop’.”
“Good! Now say ‘cops are bad’.”
“Cowps awe bad!”
“That’s right! Remember little Dodge, cops are bad! They come to your place of work and destroy all your torture equipment and your meth labs so you can’t make a living in sales!”
“Good boy! Now say ‘mommy is a pig’!”
“What’cha readin’ there dear?”
“Somethin’ on lobsturs. Can’t seem to find the lil’ bastards anywhere.”
“Yew know wut else has lobsturs?”
“Dear, if that’s some kind of sexual innuendo, it’s not really sexy.”
It was sexy enough for Jed, I’m sure.
“Git out of my way, half naked chick! I really have to hawnt the sink right now! It’s an emergency!”
“Ugh, the voices in my head are really bad today. Now I’m seein’ a ghost in the hawse.”
“Welcome back to ‘Fishin’ wit’ Jed’. Today, we are gonna try fly fishin’ off the edge of a bridge. But wait yew say, ain’t fishin’ on bridges illegal? Nah, only in certain counties.”
“The trick is to do it right thru the metal frame of the bridge. This way, yew get more support on the rod, and more easily yank the fish out of the watur. Don’t worry ’bout it obstructin’ ur view. Wen yew git that fish, yew gonna know.”
“Crash ur game. Scream at ur desktop just ‘cuz it’s mockin’ yew ’bout it crashin’. Sit in ur own angur fur a couple minutes befur yew remember that yew last saved right as yew got to the bridge, so yew didn’t really lose anythin’.”
“Return to the fishin’. Catch, and profit.”
Ugh. I know how you feel right now, Melissa.
“Yeah, that’s right, scrambled eggs. And don’t you THINK ’bout comin’ back up the toilet. If yew do, I’ll smash yew wit’ my hammur!”
Well, everyone takes their anger out on vomiting in different ways.
“Hey thur, maw-in-law! I’m preggo again!”
“NO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPININ’!!”
“Glad to see you takin’ this so well!”
“Why is it when I’m anywhere, Dominick is here with me?”
“I think he might have a crush on you, Sabrina!”
“Shut the hell up, Jared.”
Just looking at this photo gives me a headache.
“Wut the hell yall lookin’ at?!”
Oh god, she scares the crap out of me!
I like her 😀
“Ugh! Why the hell is Lisette heer?! Nobody invited her heer!!”
“Maybe if yew had actually spent time with me, Jar’d, I wouldn’t have to crash all yall’s baby parties.”
You can’t tell, but the book she’s reading is ‘A Wall Between Us’. Trying to say something, Lisette?
“What the hell are these? Sparkles?”
“Oh wow, this party IS awesome!”
“What the fu… I’m dying? Then what’s all this light doing here?”
“Does this mean… I’m going to heaven? What… even I know that’s not right!”
“Shut up Jed, I’m dying here!”
“Dad?! Dad?! What’s happening?!”
“It’s ok son. My time was WAY over due.”
“But you could have died with so much more dignity!”
“Oh no, *snort* Sinbad. He’s dyin’ *snicker*, this is terrible.”
“… Sis, what did you do?!”
“Oh nothin’, my dear brother. Heh heh, nothin’ at all. Muahahaha!”
“Yeah, you definitely did something. I don’t wanna be here anymore.”
“Sinbad Rotter Secksie. Your time has come! Get over here and uh, die with some self respect.”
Instead of even moving, Sinbad resisted for the last time, and disappeared right where he died without talking to the Grim Reaper.
RIP Sinbad Rotter Secksie.
You weren’t really part of the legacy, but you made a
great step-father. I knew this day was supposed to come, and you lasted longer than you should, but I’m going to miss your mean ass.
He gives his most prized possession, his Harley Beast, to his son Jared.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE DAD IS DEAD!”
“WHOA! Calm down Jar’d! It was only a matter of time, you knew that!”
“I KNOW! But dad wasn’t supposed to die here! He was supposed to die in a standoff after takin’ over the town with his army of meth zombie slaves, not at the business end of Jed at a baby birthday! I’m JUST SO ANGRY!!”
“OH! Sob, Luanne! I’m just… sniff… so upset. Luanne, I’m an orphan now!”
“Oh Jar’d. That’s not true. Yew’re 45 years old, I don’t think yew qualify as an orphan now.”
“Hey Chevrolet! What’cha doin’ there, sis?”
“I’m gonna put on the old teddy’ burr’s pants. What does it look like?!”
“Oh sis, like yew know how to dress urself.”
“Ur just jealous because I HAVE pants. Doubtin’ my ability to dress myself, yew’ll regret the day yew doubted me…
“Can yew say cookin’?”
“Can yew say, mommy makes gud pancakes? Can yew say, arsenic?”
“Can yew say, ‘that bastard should have begged for forgiveness when he had the chance’?! Say, ‘Nobody doubts ur mother’s ability to kill a man that messes with her children’?!”
“That’s right, lil’ Chevy!”
I see who Chevrolet is probably going to take after.
“RAAAAH IMMA GHOST!”
“AHHH, THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED”
You don’t say, Jared.
“Oh dad. I miss you so much. We all miss you heer. It’s just not the same here without you dad.”
“Yeah yeah yeah, it’s sad Sinbad is dead, I’M IN LABOR HERE!”
“OH GOD, NOT AGAIN, WHAT DO I DO!? I WISH MY DAD WAS HERE TO HELP ME!”
“FORGET UR DAD FUR TEN MINUTES AND GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!”
“OH NO, MELISSA! THE BABY’S COMIN’! WHATDOIDOAHHHH?!?”
“Furget it, Jed! I already got a ride to the hospital! Let’s go Jar’d! Tra la la la la!”
“W-why does he have a wrench at the hospital?”
Probably because Elvis had to drop off his wife from “falling down the stairs”. The better question is, why did you walk out of the hospital without the baby again?!
Meet the final baby of the generation! Harley Seckie, named after Harley Davidson, just to complete the trio of children named after vehicles. The only baby with the red skin coloring in this generation, I also forgot her traits. If she’s anything like her siblings though, I’m going to love her!
With the birth of Harley, I’m ending the chapter here with Chevrolet about dead because without Sinbad, everyone would rather stare at the babies for an hour before feeding them, and Jed, standing in some magic garbage that I have no real idea how it got there (the trash can was put there FOR the trash pile).
Now if you mind, I’m going to sit in front of a trashcan or a toilet for half an hour until my stomach empties itself.