I think we are about to wrap up the second generation, but nothing really happens in this chapter, at least I don’t think so anyway. So have a filler! Yes, that’s all this chapter is, so you can go back to doing your homework.
But if you are still interested, let’s read on.
“Jar’d, there goes that noise again. Ur sure we got all the flyin’ skuirrels out of the roof, right?”
“Dammit sis, fur the last time I know all the skuirrels are gone, now let me finish my stinkin’… nothing.”
“Hey Ellie, you sure you need to be ridin’ around on grammpa’s Harley Beast? I don’t think he’s gonna be all that happy to find out that you got it.”
“Oh shut it Jed. Grammpa doesn’t mind, I’m sure. I just need to figgur’ out which handle does the gas again…”
So in the last chapter, I determined that Jed is the new heir, because there is no way I’m going to be waiting on Berkliegh to grow up. I don’t have that much patience in me.
And apparently neither does the game.
It’s like someone crafted a baby doll out of scrap tin or something.
“Come on Jed! Work that extra fat off yew! Shark wants to see yew SWEAT!”
“Come on dad, I lemme havea’ break! I feel like I’m losin’ more than fat, yew know!”
“WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. MY. BEAST.”
“Oh, grammpa, can we talk about this later, I ain’t decent!”
“YOU PEOPLE ARE NEVER DECENT AROUND HERE!”
“DAMMIT. Why does everything I eat turn to stinkin’ CRAP?!”
Anyway, Jared, who in the last chapter was worried about knocking Tamara up, has been doing other stuff, like work, and playing guitar
“Oh Jared. I know ur datin’ that Tamale chick, but we work togethuh, and we jus’ know each other, yew know?”
“Is this goin’ where I think it’s goin’?”
“Oh Jar’d. This can go whereva’ yew want it to go. I jus’ feel like we’re made for each other.”
So Jared has been seeing other people. All his friends are women, and he does play guitar…
“Shark thinks yew need’uh work out sum more. Shark doesn’t want fat children who can’t play for the NFL one day.”
“Dad, I’m really tired, do you think we can do this some other tim-”
“SHARK SAYS WORK OUT NOW.”
“Yeah! Go fur it Ellie! Shark wants to see yew burn off those luv handles that are holdin’ you back from gettin’ anywhere in life!”
“I don’t wanna, dad, I’m too tir-”
“RACKETS DON’T GET TIRED THEY GET PUMPED MAKE SHARK PROUD.”
“YEW AREN’T MAKIN’ SHARK PROUD! PUMP IT PUMP IT PUMP IT!
“So. Jed. How’ve ya been?”
“Um, well, I just got up-”
“Yew really need to work out more. I don’t want you bein’ fat, Jed, so how ’bout you go get on that treadmill!”
“Suriously? Why do yew n’ pa have to be hardcore athletic people, huh? Can’t yew two just be normal for once?!”
“Pfft. My son is fat, doesn’t wanna work out, just wants to fish all day, Sinbad sucks, and this kitchen stinks.”
“Come on grammpa! I said I’m sorreh! I really don’t know where that scratch came from on ur motorcycle, and I swear it wasn’t me!”
Meanwhile, Jed took off when both his parents noticed that ESPN was on, and went fishing.
I just don’t know how the hell he’s going to catch fish through the steel frame of a bridge.
“WHOA! Check out the size of this herring! She’s a beauty! She gotta be at least 22 pounds!”
I was actually looking across the street at Tamara’s house, when I noticed this little turd standing on the front porch.
“I’m a happy, good looking teen boy! I come from a nice household outside of town, and I love people! I love children! I’m Berkliegh’s babysitter!”
I don’t think he’s doing a whole lot of ‘sitting’, especially by standing on the front porch. I don’t even know WHY a babysitter is here, considering…
“Boo! Sinbad, you suck! I’ve heard things about you, horrible, like Grassy Knoll horrible!”
“I’m not that bad…”
Ok, note that both Sinbad AND Shark are home with Berkliegh. Are they REALLY that fucking unreliable when it comes to taking care of a child!?
“SHARK NUT STOMP”
“Oh HELL NO, you BETTER NOT”
“Shark has successfully saved Berkliegh from the evil perverted gnome. Shark do good?”
“Oh you sum’a bitch, my neck BETTER not be broken…”
“ELLIE! Your father has been retarded for the last time! First he attacks my gnome, NOW he’s standing on the floor hydrena-thing and won’t get out of my way! You need to get your fuck tarded father out of my way before I kick his ass!”
“Mmm, floor cleaner feels good going up Shark’s shorts.”
“This isn’t bout my dad bein’ stupid is it? It’s bout that fuckin’ motorcycle out in the yard, ISN’T IT?! I said I was sorry for taking it, so don’t you DARE jump down my ass the second I come home about having to baby sit my father!”
“Um, Shark thinks Shark has been on the floor cleaner fur too long. Shark is startin’a get a moisture rash.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP SHARK”
“….. I have this weird feeling I’m bein’ watched. And not in the weird Shark-is staring-at-my-backfat way either….”
“Oh lord no.”
“I wus just wanting to apologize for snappin’ at you. And I’m really sorry about takin’ ur bike. I just wanted to be cool fur once instead of bein’ the bore that I usually am. Just figgured I could spice things up a bit fur a day, yew know?”
“Humph. Fine, apology accepted.”
“So, can we play a game together like we used’tuh?”
“Can I kill your villagers?”
“THEN SCREW OFF”
Meanwhile, in a feeble attempt to separate himself from Maniac Melissa, Jared went to go see Lisette. He had a song for her.
“Oh Jar’d tha’s so romantic! Too bad I’ve gotten Botox or I’d show you haw’ I really feel on my face!”
“So, Lisette, woohoo now?”
“Um, I donno Jar’d, I’m purdy tired, how about we hold off for a while, or at least until you dump Tomato.”
“No woohoo fur yew fur correctin’ me.”
He got woohoo anyway.
Instead of a sex scene, here’s Sinbad scaring the crap out of Leroy.
Ok, so Leroy has COMPLETELY vanished from my game, and only appears if he goes upstairs and takes a bath in the newer tub. Every now and then the spooky sound effects go off, and he haunts stuff, but I think it’s time to reset the dumb shit.
After having her first woohoo with Amy’s son, Lisette decided to call Jared’s mother over the next day and ask her to do her hair.
After all the hard work Jared put into it last night to mess it all up AMIRITE
“Hm, so ur Jared’s new thang… I’m not impressed.”
“First off, you are too fat.”
“What the fuck woman, all I asked fur you to do was do my hair!”
“What the hell did you do to my hair?!”
“What the hell did you WANT me to do to your hair?! Shave the rest of it off?!”
“I don’t like yew.”
“Fine then bitch. Be that way. I ain’t never gonna like you either anyway. Stay away from my son.”
Sigh, I just give up.
Dispite the fact that Amy is the one blown up, I blame the fire completely on Shark.
“Tell me about it. You are completely useless. I can depend more on that dumbfuck Luanne more than I can on you retards.”
“Thats it, here’s your fine for $500. Stop being an asshole.”
Determined to find out what the hell firefighters do all day, I sent Ellie over to the fire house to look around. Apparently, standing in the bathroom for hours on end is ALL THE RAGE now.
“Hey Uncle Buck! Long time… ok, so we haven’t met.”
“By ur hippo sized cheekbones and ur landing strip of a chin, I would have to guess Ellie.”
“Hah. So yeah, you have heard about Jar’d right?”
“Yew dumbass. He’s my brother. I lived with the loser for a while you know.”
“And ur mother? She’s my SISTER.”
“WOW. The more I lern everyday…”
“Whoa whoa whoa. I come down to get a tattoo, and I find some poser blocking my way through the salon! Who the fuck do you think you are?! Tattoos, spike collar!? If you think you’re the new me or something, I’ll kick your ass!”
“Oh, no sur’, I’m the new tattoo artist! I just live right outside of town, not tryin’a bother no one! I just want this job to be able to buy a house for once or something and live like a normal person.”
“So, you are just here to take Lucy’s old job?”
“Well, yeah, I knew Lucy! I remember meetin’ her years ago, back when I was just a baby! Great artist, ya’ know. She taught me everything I know about tattooing for a couple of years too now that I think about it, befure I was finally picked up off of the streets and filed over to the Adoption Agency.”
“You knew Lucy? Adoption agency? Wait a fucking minute here… your name…
You wouldn’t happen to be… Lee Ferne… would you?”
“No, well, I wouldn’t know, the Adoption Agency called me Jess. I have no idea who my parents were anyway, but whatever, that’s past shit, you know? Anyway, you came for a tattoo right?”
“I’m still convinced you are Lee Ferne.”
“Well, after you asked fur a viking riding a moose through a thunderstorm and then took off your pants fur an arm tattoo, I’m convinced you are a little drunk, sur’.”
“Hey Tamara! Long time no see! I have been so busy lately, you know with… livin’ right across the street from you an’ all. Haven’t seen you in a while!”
And so, Jared DID get Tamara pregnant! DRAMA! But more on that next time!!
What will Jared say now?! Why the hell did nothing really happen in this chapter?! Who the hell is Jess and why do I find him so familiar?! Why do I keep asking cliff hanger questions on the end of my chapter posts?!
FIND OUT NEXT TIME