Two entries in one night, I have no life. Anyway, so far in the Southern Prettacy, Leroy is looking for love in all the wrong places.
Dispite his growing number of restraining orders, he finally found a girl that he could see himself with for the remainder of his life: Amy Bull.
Look at all those tattoos on that girl. I couldn’t pick out a more perfect redneck bride if I tried.
“I have great news, Amy! You have been chosen to be my bride!”
“Now that me and you are goin’ to be together, it’s ’bout time I get down that bra.”
Damn Leroy, you haven’t even kissed her yet!
And needless to say, she wouldn’t let him. And they are both flirty and everything! Maybe it has something to do with his nose probably impaling her in the face.
“You can’t trick me like that, my gaw. I smarter than that, liek, suriously.”
“Pfft. Fur someone who wears glasses with their PJs, I donno…”
“What was that?”
After Amy’s constant kiss rejections and running off to work, Leroy spent the remainder of the afternoon, er, window shopping.
“Any fine bitches in there?!”
“I’ll fine bitch you! What did I SAY about coming up on my porch again, boy?!”
Nothing says creepy than a thin film of fog in the middle of the night.
“Mistur, do ya have ta creep around in ou’ front yard at two in da mawnin’?”
“Well ya know. Tryin’ to pick out a wife, my current girl don’t want to kiss me, just makin’ sure there isn’t anything better out here.”
“You know what? You remin’ me of my own boys. You are welcome to come ’round our house at an’time.”
That was a first. Instead of being shooed off back to his house, they welcomed him inside with open arms, dispite it being the middle of the night.
“Maw, what’cha doin out here in the middle of the night? Are we related to that man? I sho have his ears. Hey wait, is he my paw?”
So um, he left and decided to check out the junk yard, a new lot thanks to Ambitions.
“I’m lookin’ for scraps to make me a disco ball. All I need is some ‘luminum and duct tape.”
“Look at this glorious pile of treasure! Why would anyone throw out this wonder trove of items?!
Only people like you would look at trash and see shiny stars. Only you, Leroy.
“I’m surious! Look at this chair! It’s still sittable in! I’m takin’ this wonder home with me! It’s going to look great on the back porch!”
At first when I saw this stuff, I was with awe. Free stuff?! TAKE EVERYTHING!!
Ah, yes. He finally has the starts to a house now. It’s a empty, carpetless, wallpaperless, roomless, box, but the front porch is fully furnished. Leroy likes the outdoors anyway. The trees give him a nice little moodlet.
After building his little trailer with a porch (high living, yall) he invited his Amy over for another attempt at love.
“Your eyes look terrible, baby. What happened to you?!”
“I’ve, like, been crying all night. I have to marry you and live in this?! Seriously? Oh sob!”
“Oh baby. It’s going to be ok. When you move in, you will be so hot that the house’s value’ll triplefold.”
“A trailer’s value never goes up.”
“Um… I’ll give you your own bike if you move in.”
Not impressed, Amy pretended that she had to go to work, and left, unkissed, and pleased to be the bane of my existance.
“Ke ke ke ke. I’ll never kiss that freak. Liek, he’s weird.”
And you aren’t? I think she’s possessed.
“Holy Gawd, look at this! An otherwise expensive statue! This is my lucky day! You comin’ home with me!”
Of course, I found out later why it’s in the junkyard. Same with that chair and a radio I also picked up. They are worthless, and can’t be used (except the chair, but not without it being called filth) and need to be replaced. So much for free stuff.
To make it better, this statue didn’t go into the family inventory like the other two items did, it latched onto Leroy’s personal inventory, and wouldn’t come out, get sold, or even deleted. So great. Leroy has to lug around a piece of shit statue in his inventory for the rest of his life. Hate to be him right now.
Other than that, he’s collecting scrap because he’s going to be an inventor. I plan on building him his own little garage and workplace… the perfect job for a guy like him.
“Why does this pipe have red stuff all over it? Why do ALL these pipes have red stuff on them?!”
Now I know my graphics card is shot all to hell, but rust is NOT that color. There’s only one thing I can think of it to be, and with as many pipes as Leroy is pulling out of the junkyard, I suspect that there was some sort of violent event/mass murder in the recent past of Twinbrook.
The next morning after collecting enough pipes for his inventor/murder investigator job, he called Amy for one more attempt on winning her heart before I gave up on her and moved on to Julianne.
“I can’t get to her! I tried to walk into the gate and I turn ’round and my girl is missing!”
“Durr. How did I get over here?! Where am I?! Liek, who’s the Joe Dirt cosplayer?”
After spending the whole day of chasing her ass around town, Leroy finally got that first kiss. In doing so, he permanently destroyed her sinuses by skewering his nose through her face. Romance at it’s finest.
“Now how would you like to be my girlfriend?”
“Oh, I donno Leroy. I was kinda thinking about dating someone hotter, and presumably more bad ass, like Sinbad or…”
Him or die in a freak pool accident.
“I would love to date you, Leroy!”
“Hm, now that I have a girlfriend, what do girls like? Shiny stuff? There are plenty of stuff I think she would like in here!”
After cleaning out both the junkyards, he moved on to the black holes that are the neighborhood trash cans. Ahh. It’s like playing my Slobacy.
“Did anyone besides me hear that blastin’ noise? Sounded like a shawtgun…”
While rummaging through suburbia, look who would run over to her best friend’s house (probably to help her give birth to that “Goode” dude’s illegitimate baby in her bathtub) while Leroy is going through their trash.
“Dubayou tee eff! What is he doing?! I can’t believe that he’s doing that!”
How can you not be shocked by a half naked redneck man going through your friend’s trash?
“Not that! I’m shocked he’s not answering his phone! What if it’s, like, an emergency on the other end?!”
I decided that it was the perfect time for Leroy to purpose to Amy. Half naked and dirty from dumpster diving while the shrill screams of a woman in labor pierce the night air. I’ve seen hicks purpose at times less appropriate than this.
“HAHAHA! Are you suriously kidding me! I could never marry you!”
“Dude, you are ugly! We’ve been over this before!”
Actually, I can’t blame her. If I was grossed out by a man that was just digging in the trash who then suddenly turned around and proposed to me… well, I’d call the cops.
But Amy is proving to be a major cocktease for Leroy. Next time, will she accept, or will Leroy turn to drinking and chunk her in the river? Will Leroy ever find out why all the pipes in town are covered in blood? Will Jenni Jones ever have that baby?
“Lol, I was faking last night. Just tryin’ to keep my parents from killing each other. Glad to meet you, I’m Jenni.”
“That freak put his hands on my daughter, I’ll castrate him. Last thing I need is TWO of her kids running around in MY house.”
Shut up mom.